She Cheated On Me. What Now?

[JimmyB]

I've been married for almost 11 years to my wife. I found out this morning that she cheated on me. She tried to deny it but she fessed up when I presented the facts that I knew.

 

I'm just lost and don't what the hell to do. I'd like to walk out the door but we have to young children. My kids mean the world to me and I hate even the thought of them having to grow up without there dad always around for them.

 

How in the hell can I ever trust her again? I absolutely despise cheaters. She tells me this was the only time it has ever happened but I'm not so sure I believe it. She balled her eyes out to me this morning begging for my forgiveness. She asked if I would go to counseling. I agreed to do that but I made no promises that I was staying around. I'm just not sure if I can ever forgive her for this.

 

I'm know I'm not a perfect husband but I know I didn't deserve this! I'm just so pissed off, crushed, and heart broken. This sucks.... :-(

[bentnotbroken]

Sorry, been in your shoes. I couldn't trust again. You don't need to make in decisions right away, try to regain some equilibrium first. Take your time. You are in the driver's seat.

[JimmyB]

Oh, I forgot to mention she works with this prick also. He used to be her boss. He's not her direct boss anymore. He manages a different department now. I did tell her that he will be telling his wife or I will be telling her myself. He told my wife he will tell her tonight.

[Bryanp]

This is so tough. The fact that you do not believe that this was the only time indicates that it is probably the tip of the iceberg. She has put your health at risk for STD's which means you both must be tested. She humiliated and disrespect you and your marriage and lied to your face until you showed her the proof. This means that she had no intention of ever telling you, she had no problem lying to your face and probably would still be screwing other men if she was not caught. If the roles were reversed, do you think she would be so forgiving and accepting as you? Clearly she has little respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[hopesndreams]

Sorry Jimmy, it's good she fessed up, she could have denied it. Cheaters are very, very skilled liars. You have two kids, but keep in mind that even if you are not with their mother you could have a satisfying relationship with them, with tons of quality time. Don't let that cloud your judgment on what you feel you need to do. You are now with a cheater, does she have remorse? If she does, that is good. Can you trust her again if you decide to stay with her? (you're in the driver's seat) She has to crawl through broken glass to make amends to you and if she does not, ditch her. That sounds harsh, but without true remorse she will only repeat what she has done. I would suggest a MC of course, and getting to the root of the problem in your relationship for her to do such a horrid thing to you.

 

I'm know I'm not a perfect husband but I know I didn't deserve this! I'm just so pissed off, crushed, and heart broken. This sucks.... :-(

 

NO ONE is perfect. You are not to blame for her actions, it was her choice. Now you have a choice to make. I would suggest professional help immediately. If you can't forgive her, than you just can't and no amount of intervention will help the marriage overcome this betrayal.

[Bryanp]

If you think he is going to tell his wife the truth then you are delusional. You should have talked to the OM's wife immediately. He will twist the truth to make it sound like you and your girlfriend are a bunch of psychos.

[lostsunsets]

Your wife says it's the only time. Tell her that a polygraph will insure that. Go on line to a local polygraph tester, download their information. Tell her you scheduled an appointment. I bet she will dump the info before you get in the car. Personally (though I wouldn't really do it), I would get up in her grill and tell her "now its a contest" lets see how many women I can boink. And tell her get ready for pain. At least let her worry about it. This way you will have company for all your sleepless nights.

[Lizzie60]

My advice: if you really love her and your kids.. and want to make it work.. you GOT to forgive her.. I know it's easier said than done.. but try. You owe that to your children.

 

Look into your relationship.. maybe there are a few things you can change.. who knows... this might bring you two closer than before..

 

I am usually against counselling.. but in your case, a few sessions might do wonders..

 

Good luck!

[hopesndreams]

I did tell her that he will be telling his wife or I will be telling her myself. He told my wife he will tell her tonight.

 

Yeah, I agree with Bryan on this, he will tell HIS truth and HIS truth only. Anyways, what does it matter unless she plans on leaving you for him. Do you think that is what she might do? If you don't believe that than what he says to his wife is of no concern really. Concentrate on just you and your wife and let him sort out his own problems. Your main concern is your wife, not the OM, unless she plans on being with the OM, but even then, there isn't much you can do about that if she does. You can't make anyone do anything you want them to do. I know it hurts and it hurts deeply, but don't even think about the OM right now, there is too much going on right now, OM takes a backseat for now.

[lostsunsets]

Tell the OMs wife yourself. In fact. Put her on the speaker box and let your wife hear the cries of another BS who's marriage she may have destroyed. I believe you will have to forgive her as well. But she has to win you back. First off, I would kick her a$$ out. Send her to her parents if they live local. If not maybe a friend you can trust. You have to have some time away from her. She needs to know that reconciliation is unlikely. This was not a drunken ONS. It was planned, arranged, betrayal. It was not a mistake. It was not an accident. I would encourage your wife to come on line here. She will take some heat. But there are definitely things she has to know to help you move beyond this. Like triggers, trivializing you pain, trickle truth. Call them the 4TRs. People on this board can help her help you. Please consider it.

[troubadour]

If you think he is going to tell his wife the truth then you are delusional. You should have talked to the OM's wife immediately. He will twist the truth to make it sound like you and your girlfriend are a bunch of psychos.

 

 

I agree with this 100%.

[Danger]

Contact a lawyer, start squirreling money away. DO NOT TELL HER YOU ARE DOING THIS. Prepare yourself for the storm. You may not lose the children, stop assuming that you will.

 

She planned it, she will continue it. She has lost attraction for you and "counseling" will not regain it. She has violated your trust and she only regrets being caught.

[imagine]

I did tell her that he will be telling his wife or I will be telling her myself. He told my wife he will tell her tonight.

 

And you believe him. When he tells her anything it will have a spin that makes you guilty.

 

Notify her and his employers. Inform parents, kids, friends and pastor. Tell them of the condition and that you are unsure what to do. Do this all at one time. Do NOT tell them what you are going to do, ever!

 

Mull over this time before divorce. Is there any part in the marriage that you can own to that may be considered your fault. Learn from it.

 

Cheating, however, is all her fault.

[FairyTale73]

Either make an open marriage with her (as you cant trust her any more)

or

divorce (you will be able to see your children and have your time with them anyway) .

[Lucky_One]

Something must be odd in the universe lately, because I am agreeing again with Lizzie.

 

You CAN forgive people and you CAN get past infidelity. It isn't easy, and it does take time, but things that are worthwhile deserve that effort. You have to decide if you think that your marriage and an intact family are worth that.

 

I agree with Hopesanddreams in that focusing on the OM is counter-productive to you and your life. Yes, having the EMA come to light on both sides is the best way to make sure that a pining OM doesn't try to keep contacting your wife and setting her own healing back - but worrying that he is going to make you sound like a psycho does nothing to help you. In fact, after having been in a similar situation in a EMA, I would say that the OM is probably scared to death that you are going to call anyway, probably feels guilty as hell, and believes that he should tell his wife that he was unfaithful anyway. Is he going to tell her that they had sex 5 times or 1 time? Who knows, and that really doesn't matter to YOU.

 

I would encourage you to read and post at MarriageBuilders.com. No matter which path you take, they can give you very solid advice without some of the off-the-wall whacko comments that you can get here.

 

Good luck. Your relationship with your wife CAN be saved and made stronger than it ever was! I wouldn't go making rash decisions right now about anything, as the overwhelming pain of being betrayed keeps people from being rational. Give yourself some time to think and reflect.

[NewSunrise]

Hey Jimmy--hang in there....especially for the kids.

 

Been there. Thank God, no kids. But a dog basically save me---she's my "kid". So I know exactly the emotions you're going through.

 

Whatever you do, keep your anger outbursts away from them. Don't belittle their mother in front of them. Take a deep breath, and take your kids and do something fun. Replace your negative emotions with something positive WITH THEM. That's what they'll remember most and will admire you for it down the line.

 

Expect your W will not be truthful about confessing to the MMW. You'll have to expose the affair to the dude's wife including both sides of the family---part of the process regardless how your marriage ends.

 

Expect that what your W is going and will go through is like weaning a drug addict. Going cold turkey with this MM will not be easy. She'll relapse---sneaking around, more lying. That's why you can't do it all alone. Exposure is a necessary requirement.

 

And yes, get some counseling. Your medical insurance usually covers the first 6-8 sessions. Pending on your sessions, your C may request for additional sessions for approval up to the maximum of 12-14. Co-pay is usually $30. Check with your medical provider.

 

Start collecting legal documents especially if you live in a "fault state", you'll come on top. Otherwise, everything is a split.

 

One day at a time, Jimmy.

 

Remember, replace negative with positive activities with your children. They are your BEST distraction that will result lifelong positive impacts for you and them.

[seibert253]

If your wife is truly remorseful, and wants to work on your marriage, it can be fixed, but on YOUR terms, not hers. If her heart is committed to fixing this then you are in the drivers seat, and you dictate the terms. Your terms are not up for negotiation, either she agrees to all or she's gone. Here's some suggestions:

• No contact in any form with the OM. If it requires leaving her job than so be it.
  
• Tell the OM's wife yourself. Do not think he will reveal all because your wife probably hasn't revealed all to you.
  
• No matter how painful it is, you deserved to know ALL that happened. You can't fix something if you don't know what's broke, or in this case what your wife broke. Sit her down and tell her she needs to be honest and tell you everything that happened. Tell her if she lies, or omits details, then the deal is off and you're filing for divorce immediately.
  
• Marriage and Individual counseling for both of you.
  
• Transparency on her part, and yours if you wish. Access to all emails, passwords, cell phones, computers, etc.
  
• To verify, install a keylogger on any computer she uses, (you may not want to tell her about this)
  

With time, love, and commitment, your marriage can be rebuilt and possibly be better than ever. But, it's going to take a lot of work, love, and forgiveness.

Good Luck and God Bless

[lostsunsets]

You will need to separate all finances and remove all other forms of support. She needs to experience what it is like to be completely isolated from you emotionally and financially. YOU ABSOLUTELY NEED TO OUT HER TO ALL FAMILY AND FRIENDS. SHE MUST BE BROUGHT TO A CRISIS. SHE NEEDS TO UNDERSTAND THAT WHAT SHE HAS DONE IS BENEATH CONTEMPT.

 

YOU, HOWEVER NEED TO BE CONFIDENT, HAPPY (EVEN IF YOU'RE DYING INSIDE). YOUR INITIAL ANGER IS OVER. YOU WANT HER TO SEE THE MAN SHE FELL IN LOVE WITH. NEVER CRY IN FRONT OF HER AGAIN. NEVER ASK HER TO COME BACK. SHE MUST BE A MASCARA AND SNOT RUNNING MESS BEGGING YOU FOR ANOTHER CHANCE. IF YOU WANT TO RECONCILE. SHE NEEDS TO BE CONSUMED WITH WINNING YOU BACK.

[Dexter Morgan]

I've been married for almost 11 years to my wife. I found out this morning that she cheated on me. She tried to deny it but she fessed up when I presented the facts that I knew.

 

I'm just lost and don't what the hell to do. I'd like to walk out the door but we have to young children. My kids mean the world to me and I hate even the thought of them having to grow up without there dad always around for them.

 

How in the hell can I ever trust her again? I absolutely despise cheaters. She tells me this was the only time it has ever happened but I'm not so sure I believe it. She balled her eyes out to me this morning begging for my forgiveness. She asked if I would go to counseling. I agreed to do that but I made no promises that I was staying around. I'm just not sure if I can ever forgive her for this.

 

I'm know I'm not a perfect husband but I know I didn't deserve this! I'm just so pissed off, crushed, and heart broken. This sucks.... :-(

 

 

Jimmy, its tough, especially when small children are involved.

 

I can tell you from my perspective that after the shock and hurt subsided after about a month, I decided there was no way I was going to settle for being married to a cheater the rest of my life and knew the only way I could make the thoughts of what she did insignificant was to make her insignificant. So I divorced her.

 

But you have to do what you want. I don't know if you can forgive her or not. What I DO know is that you will NEVER forget. You will be reminded of what she did from time to time no matter how far in the future it is.

 

So the question is, can you handle thinking about what she did from time to time? If not, you may want to consider divorce. That or at the very least go to counseling and let it all out. Let the counselor know in front of her that you will never forget what she did and don't know if you can handle being with someone that you perceive to be a cheater. See what the counselor and your wife say about that in a session.

 

I'd be interested to know since I had no interest in counseling in the first place. I just wanted her gone.

[Dexter Morgan]

NEVER CRY IN FRONT OF HER AGAIN. NEVER ASK HER TO COME BACK. SHE MUST BE A MASCARA AND SNOT RUNNING MESS BEGGING YOU FOR ANOTHER CHANCE. IF YOU WANT TO RECONCILE. SHE NEEDS TO BE CONSUMED WITH WINNING YOU BACK.

 

I agree with this whole heartedly. Some of the cheaters on this site think that groveling is beneath them after what they did.

 

I say anything less isn't showing enough remorse and desire to keep the marriage.

[Athena]

I've been married for almost 11 years to my wife. I found out this morning that she cheated on me. She tried to deny it but she fessed up when I presented the facts that I knew.

 

I'm just lost and don't what the hell to do. I'd like to walk out the door but we have to young children. My kids mean the world to me and I hate even the thought of them having to grow up without there dad always around for them.

 

How in the hell can I ever trust her again? I absolutely despise cheaters. She tells me this was the only time it has ever happened but I'm not so sure I believe it. She balled her eyes out to me this morning begging for my forgiveness. She asked if I would go to counseling. I agreed to do that but I made no promises that I was staying around. I'm just not sure if I can ever forgive her for this.

 

I'm know I'm not a perfect husband but I know I didn't deserve this! I'm just so pissed off, crushed, and heart broken. This sucks.... :-(

 

I read your post yesterday, but couldn't bring myself to post since memories came flooding back of when I found myself in your position... when you find out your spouse has cheated on you, your whole world changes. Your reality as you knew it, changes and you simply do not know where you stand, nor what to do.

 

My advice is not to make any 'rash' decisions... give yourself a few months to come to a Decision about the marriage... in the meantime, carry on with the stance you presented to your wife about NOT giving her any assurances that you will take her back! This is important, and I wish I had the presence of mind to have taken that attitude with my H when his first affairs surfaced. She needs to be shocked into the reality of what she has done. The only way she is going to do this, is by facing the consequences of her actions. So, don't shield her from anything... do not try to hide your emotions, especially your hurt and sadness -- she absolutely needs to see your face when you feel the devastation of her betrayal -- that is what will give her reason (if any) to not repeat this cheating behavior in the future!

 

Take control as much as possible, so you don't view yourself in the victim position (because being a victim strips you of your personal strength and power, and you will easily succumb to depression and worse). Absolutely TELL OM's W!!!!!! He had his one night to tell her, now you make sure you follow up. This single action will help you take back some feeling of being able to take an action to help yourself. Plus, she deserves to know what she is dealing with.

 

Keep yourself busy. Don't dwell on the visual mental images of their affair. This will weaken you. Don't search for reasons as to why YOU might be to blame.... read a few books, confide in a few good friends, get a support group for yourself, and try to keep your confidence in yourself intact.

Do not fall into the trap of becoming responsible to heal your W. She must do her part in that. Keep yourself safe from falling apart. You take responsibility for what you can, and no more.

[Athena]

and knew the only way I could make the thoughts of what she did insignificant was to make her insignificant. So I divorced her.

________________________________________

 

What I DO know is that you will NEVER forget. You will be reminded of what she did from time to time no matter how far in the future it is.

 

JimmyB -- like Dexter says above, his hurt was so great that the only way he could deal with it was to remove the cause of his hurt by divorcing his W. I agree that you will never forget, HOWEVER it is possible to make what she did not as significant, and stay with her over time, and still be there as a full time dad to your boys. But that would cost you emotional detachment. And that would certainly affect the quality of your marriage. And what you get out of the relationship would be diminished.

 

But it is possible to make a cheating spouse insignificant, by not being as invested in them any more -- either as drastic a measure as Divorce (like Dexter did), or by genuinely making an attempt at repairing the marriage (like others here have done), or -- like me -- to have tried everything possible to heal, help him heal, help him change his cheating ways, but in the end seeing it is not his choice to do so, and finally, opting to (for the time being) to make him insignificant enough to me by not focusing on him, but now turning my focus fully on me.

 

 

I am still married. Yes, I have not 'forgotten' what he has chosen to do over an over again. But I have taken the path of not caring... of disengaging from the heart connection and getting on with building myself back up again.

[JimmyB]

First off, thank you everyone for the advice so far. It was a long night. To answer a few questions, we are going for a counseling session tonight. I have made her no promises that I was staying around. I'm only going to counseling and giving it a shot for my kids.

 

I have already layed out some of my rules to her. I made it clear that I'm calling the shots and she will do whatever I ask of her.

 

I made her go over to her folks last night and confess the whole thing to them. We have a very close relationship with her folks and I knew that would be brutal for her but oh f*cking well. I will be verifying with my in laws that she told them everything. We also have a close relationship with my folks. I told them what she did and made her agree that she would go over there, face them, and apologize.

 

I will be seperating all of our finances. This weekend I will take my boy's to go do something fun and she isn't invited. I've also contemplated telling her she needs to go stay over her folks for a while. But that will have a huge impact on our boy's wondering why mom is not home. I'm trying to make it seem as normal as possible for them. They are only 5 and 8 and I know I'd never be able to make them understand. We are not arguing or discussing this in front of them. I'm trying my best to control my temper and emotion around the house but it's hard. I can tell they already sense something is wrong. They were very quiet on the way to school this morning.

 

As far as the other man, I had my wife give him a ultamatum about telling his wife and having her call me or giving me her phone number. I know I should not be vindictive but it's just what I have to do for my own peace of mind. This co*ksucker is not getting off without feeling some pain. He had no f*cking right to do what he did. I know it takes two to tango but he knows she is married with two young children and he has met me. He is the lowest of low and the scum of the earth. BTW....I have told my wife I feel the same about her right now.

 

Some have asked if she feels any remorse. She seems to but I don't know. She has been balling her eyes out to me for the last 24 hours begging for my forgiveness. I'm absolutely not ready now or possibly forever to forgive her for what she has done to me!

 

I've got a lot of built up anger and resentment in me right now. I've got a lot of thinking to do.

 

I appreciate all of the advice.

[Athena]

Jimmy, I agree with everything you have done with your W (such as made her tell her folks, apologize to yours, not given her any assurances etc). Well done. You laying down the law on your terms will help you. But -- they might not help your M as much... the part I am thinking about is you punishing her by inviting your boys out on a fun activity and excluding her. Are you sure that is what you want to do to her?

 

Perhaps you feel the need to 'break' her, like she broke you by her betrayal, but she is your son's mother and a member of your family. If you go out as a family, why would you purposefully exclude her?

 

You must punish her -- or rather, give her consequences for her infidelity (such as owning up to it), but what has removing her presence from a family outing got to do with her infidelity? I don't see that as fair, or as reasonable. And, while she is crying and asking for forgiveness from you now, she might come to resent you and then start rejecting you.

You want to make this effective in some way, right? I could understand kicking her out of the house if you couldn't stand her, but I cannot understand keeping her in the house, but telling her she is excluded from family outings.

 

Anyway, as far as your 5 and 8 year old children are concerned, it is good that you don't discuss their mother's affair with them, BUT I would definitely tell them something like, " Your mother and I are having some problems and we are very upset and mad at each other. But we WILL sort this out and solve our problem. Its just going to take some time. We both love you two very much, and it has nothing to do with anything you have done. It has to do with us only. But we are the adults here and we are in charge of sorting this out and I want you to know that I dont want you two to worry. "

[Athena]

 

I have already layed out some of my rules to her. I made it clear that I'm calling the shots and she will do whatever I ask of her.

 

______________________________________

for what she has done to me!

 

 

______________________________________

 

Be careful. While I can't blame you for being angry and wanting to punish her back for hurting you, you should also allow your HURT side to surface... not just your anger.

And don't justify being mean to her as serving her right... what you want to differentiate is letting her face the consequences of her infidelity, and allowing her to make restitution and feeling remorse, without you becoming a tormenting tyrant. Yes, she 'did this to you', but why would you want to engage in systematically destroying her?!

If that IS what you want, then rather divorce her, as Dexter did... do not change the person you were -- a loving, moral, ethical husband, into a $hit.