I am dying inside.

[Hunter658]

I've spent the past two hours reading this forum. I found it when I searched "I need space" on Yahoo. First of all, I want to thank the many of you who offered some really excellent advice in some of the threads I read. You guys are wonderful and it's nice to meet you.

 

I have a feeling this post is going to be a long one, so I promise I will try to make it as interesting as possible and thank you in advance for taking the time to read it. I'm having a really hard time right now. I don't know what else to do, so I'm throwing this problem out there in the universe for a moment in hopes that you will catch it and turn it into something tangible. I don't know which way is up and which way is down and it's really scaring me. My heart is a perfect stranger to me and I don't know how to find it again.

 

I am a guy who is attracted to guys, but I think that variable is only slightly relevant to what's going on. I fell in love with a guy named John. We met online a few years ago through some gay dating website (probably not the best place to meet) but there you have it. It's not as easy to find someone when there's a social stigma that exists out there that dictates who you are allowed to fall in love with and what is deemed socially acceptable. I don't like gay bars, have nothing to do with any "scene" or "community" and have always steered clear of conformity to anything. I'm just me. And I finally found someone who thought the same way.

 

He came out of nowhere. He had no profile picture and very little information other than his age and his whereabouts: Pennsylvania. I live in Nashville, Tennessee, and I can't remember if it was because I was incredibly bored (or horny) that I started talking to him anyway, but we talked for about four or five hours that night and exchanged numbers. I eventually asked him to send me a picture, and he did and I was blown away by this really incredibly gorgeous guy who just looked *normal* to me.

 

So we talked online a lot and toyed around with the idea of going to see each other but it was nothing serious. At least not to me. I dated other people and went about my life and he was just someone I talked to every now and then on AIM. We lost touch several times and it really didn't mean much to me then, but he apparently felt very strongly about me then. I uninstalled AIM a few times and completely lost touch with him for months until I needed to talk to someone on there and installed the program again. This was last December (08).

 

Immediately, he messaged me. He asked where I had went and why my phone number changed and that he had tried to get a hold of me. I was taken aback by that and by this time I had been hurt - repeatedly - by guys who say that you're the person they've been looking for all their lives and then all of a sudden have a change of heart and completely ignore you - so I was not thrilled with the idea of this guy in Pennsylvania. But I still talked to him and told him I'd still love to meet him one day.

 

It was around this time that he said he didn't want to be alone on Christmas. He said he had been with a guy for over a year but they broke it off because his boyfriend wanted to go out and "explore" and John wasn't having any of that. He still has ties to him though because they cosigned on a car together, had gotten an apartment and bought furniture by the time it ended. John moved back home with his parents and spoke very negatively of his ex-boyfriend and constantly reassured me he was never going to get back together with him.

 

I didn't want this guy in Pennsylvania to ruin my Christmas by either not showing up or not being the person I wanted him to be. Meanwhile, I could feel a storm brewing. Alarms were going off in my head that this is the guy I'm supposed to be with. Some of the things he said were just incredibly surreal. He told me that, in his whole life, he had looked up at the stars wondering if his soulmate was doing the same thing he was. We shared a lot together and talked about our goals and our dreams and what we wanted out of life - all the while considering the idea that we were soulmates. It started to get intense very quickly.

 

So I started dating someone else. I know what you're thinking. Crazy to back away from my emotions and selfish to use someone else as a decoy, right? But that is precisely why I dated someone else besides the fact that I didn't want to be alone on Christmas, either. I was honest with him and told him what was going on and he told me I had broken his heart. I told him he was crazy for thinking I would get so emotionally attached to someone who lives 800 miles away - that the idea of us being together was absurd.

 

Needless to say, the relationship I half-heartedly started ended somewhat badly. I just wasn't interested. I thought about John being alone on Christmas and it tore me up. Right around New Year's, I broke it off with Mistake #1 and started talking to him again. I apologized profusely for wandering and that is when the fire started.

 

Normal people would have backed away or would have been turned off by the idea of someone demanding so much devotion and attention so quickly. But I am not normal. He lives 800 miles away, and at his request, I stopped talking to any other guys who had been trying to contact me, any gay friends of mine who he found threatening, I always answered his calls, I never turned my phone off - stuff like that. I did that once and he threatened to never speak to me again. In exchange, he was doing the same thing for me. And I took full advantage of it. Sadistic? Masochistic? Maybe so. But it started a fire.

 

He told me he was going to ask me to marry him. He has a webcam and I would watch him sleep (among other things). Creepy? Maybe to some people. But not to me. I have a huge monitor and it was reassuring to me when I'd wake up in the middle of the night, turn over, and see him sleeping there - and knowing that there was no one else sleeping next to him and that I was the person that should be. It started to affect me psychologically. He would call me at 6:30 every morning on his way to work. Hearing his voice is how I would start my day for months. I didn't even have to set my alarm clock. I could count on it. And I could feel myself falling in love with him. I fell in love with his isolated nature and affinity to say things that I thought were profound. I was convinced he was the love of my life and I was desperate to meet him.

 

Right around Valentine's Day, he said he had made a schedule request at work to come down and see me for three or four days. I was elated. He told me he had bought me a Valentine's present, so I of course went out and bought him some expensive hoodies because he said he needed a new one.

 

Initially, he was going to fly, but for some reason, he decided to drive instead and at the last minute told me he was broke and that he was going to come down here on 40 bucks and that his paycheck wouldn't go through until after he had been here for a day. He also told me he was diagnosed with a hernia near his abdomen. He said he was starting to feel pain and that he postponed his surgery so he could come down here and be with me for Valentine's Day. I put some money in his bank account because I'm not going to let any boyfriend of mine go on a long road trip with no money.

 

And so he drove. He drove over 800 miles to come and be with me on Valentine's Day. I couldn't believe anyone would do that for me. He got here. He got here and I fell in love with him. He was the embodiment of everything I've ever looked for in a guy, and despite being controlling and somewhat paranoid, I fell madly in love with him while he was here. The sex was amazing and we tried that out a few times, and it was a new experience for me to share something like that with someone I was in love with - who loved me back.

 

We did very little while he was here except hang out together and we took a small road trip. He warned me that when he got back, his life was going to be very busy and he was going to have to focus on work. That was the first indication that the intensity of what we shared was going to die. He ended up leaving a day early because he was complaining about his hernia - which had now grown into a visible knot on his adbomen. I woke up with him packing his stuff and apologizing for being sick and that he had to go home immediately to be close to his doctors. He just freaked out. Through a lot of tears, he went back to Pennsylvania and I was left wondering if it was really because of the hernia or was it because I did not live up to his expectations somehow.

 

That question was answered, somewhat (at least to me), because he still called me when he got back to Pennsylvania. And he was still calling me every morning and talked about coming back down here for a weekend in the next month. I have to say, I put a lot of pressure on him to move down here (but with the nature of this relationship - I thought that was to be expected) and most of our conversations revolved around me asking him when he was coming back. I put more money in his bank account to buy him tires so he could pass Pennsylvania's strict inspection laws and wouldn't have to associate with his ex if he got pulled over and got a ticket. I paid for that, too.

 

That's when the phone calls started dying down. He made up excuses for not calling me in the morning. And I would wake up and get upset that I didn't get my daily phone call. And I would let him know that. I began wondering what was really going on and driving myself crazy over it. I was still gung-ho about everything and I was sensing some complacency on his side that was nothing short of aggravating. And I let him know that.

 

That's when he said he needed space. I don't have much experience with relationships and to be perfectly honest, this forum has given me the best advice, phrased in such a way that makes it somewhat more meaningful than my friends telling me to "get over it" or "let him go." It's impossible to just do that when my heart is 800 miles away being **** on. So I don't know what "space" means when applied to my situation, so I asked him about it.

 

Is it because he has lost interest? Does he not want anything to do with me anymore? Does space mean don't call, don't write? How could someone who means so much to me and who told me that I mean so much to them not want to talk to me? How could he do this to me? All these questions have been occupying a large space in my brain for a WHILE now and I hate to say that they are EATING ME ALIVE. They are absolutely consuming me. I am kitchen floor depressed and utterly devastated. And I let him know that I was not going to work, laying in bed all the time, and couldn't bring myself to smile because I didn't know where I stood in this "relationship" and it has continued to rape my thoughts almost constantly no matter what I'm doing. I let him know that, too.

 

It was at this point that he introduced a whole new concept. I pressured him into defining our relationship and he emphatically stated he was not strong enough to handle a relationship right now, that he loved and cared about me, but just had so much going on in his personal and work life that he couldn't handle the stress caused by me by chastising him for not giving me enough attention. What can I say? He began this.

 

After prodding him about it, he told me he wasn't really interested in dating anyone else in the meantime, but that it wouldn't be fair to me if he told me not to while he was utilizing his "space". That sent me into an apocalyptic rage where I stayed up all night letting these thoughts eat me alive. By morning, I was a neurotic mess and when he logged on to AIM, I told him I wanted him to send me my money back ASAP and that he was just like "every other piece of **** I've ever dated." He told me if I wanted him to cry I had done a good job and he signed off.

 

He deleted me off of Facebook and had me blocked on AIM for a while. Less than an hour later, I was on the phone begging him to forgive me for exploding like that and that I couldn't stand what was happening. He reiterated that I was not giving him what he asked for - space - and that every time I "touch it" I make it worse. Make what worse? He said I was "scaring" him and that I had no right to blow up his phone and that if I didn't stop, I was going to lose him. Nevermind the fact that the last time he ignored my calls, I found out it was because he had to go to the hospital to have a biopsy done on his stomach. He drove himself there and din't call me and tell me he was in so much pain.

 

I know I'm asking a lot. But what I want to know is:

 

Is there any chance of ever bign with this guy?

 

Is he just not into me?

 

If I give him space, how much space, and will i ever talk to him again?

 

How do I get over someone who I am convinced is the person I'm supposed to be with?

 

Because right now I feel so far away from my heart I could send it a postcard. I have lost five pounds over this. I'm not eating. I'm not sleeping. This is eating me alive.

 

Love Potion No9, anyone?

[KikiW]

I am not gay, so I won't pretend I understand how society affects one's abilities to explore their sexual preferences as they grow up. I suspect that in getting the general idea from society as a whole that homosexuality is not "normal" (I am relatively certain that there are very few places that completely accept homosexuals, therefor at some point a gay person must endure disapproving glares at best, or physical/verbal harassment at worst).

 

If true, then you have likely waged some internal battles regarding relationships. I believe your friend may be waging his own battles as well. And I think these battle have affected how you both have handled this relationship... it's not a horribly bad thing, it's just those ways in which we learn to love someone else, and the mistakes we make along the way.

 

That he would go from hot to cold like he has, I can only think two things - either he built you up to be his own personal God and when spending time with you he realized that like all mortals you have your flaws, or he was so overwhelmed by his feelings that he has begun building walls in order to protect himself.

 

My advice: he has asked for space, so give it to him. If you feel the need, write him an email - open with "I know you want your space and this will be my last contact until you contact me when you're comfortable, but I wanted to tell you how I feel..." Tell him how you held back because you were scared of your own feelings, tell him how he makes you feel when you hear his voice, tell him how you would love to be in a real, mature, comfortable relationship with him. Tell him if it doesn't happen, you will be very sad, and you will mourn the loss of what might have been, but that if it's not meant to be you won't push it. Tell him you hope to hear from him soon because you miss him, and then give him time to think about how he feels and what he wants.

 

I don't know if that's the answer, but that is how I would handle it if I were in your shoes. Hope it's helpful.

[Nicodaemos]

I dont know what to say too much. Always my problem, I have ideas, and thoughts, then, I get here, and .. blank. So, I will try this.

 

Is there a chance for being with him? I would think yea, but sounds like you two both need a break from each other for a while. Yes, space. Maybe No Contact for a month, or two, I am not sure. Like you had said, yea, alot of things were screwed up, no friends the other didnt approve of, and overly paranoid. Maybe he just couldnt take the intensity of it. Give him, and yourself some time to live your own lives, and let that blaze settle a bit. You play with fire, and it can burn, carefully tended though, and it will last forever.

 

You cant live with someone, and be a part of thier life if you have none of your own. I would think, tell him you still want him, but, you understand its a hard time in his life, medically, and professionally.

 

Think of it this way, you said you two had a fire going, well, the bigger, and hotter the fire, the more fuel and care it needs. But, if it cools, and is properly tended, it becomes a great, deep, and powerful bed of coals, that can outlast anything. Right now, it sounds like he ran out of fuel for such an intense, and involving relationship, and he wants things to settle. Not everyone can maintain that level for a long time. Regardless of who started what, swallow your pride, and give yourself, and him to find your own lives again. I am not saying anything about other men, that, depends on the person, but generally, keeping em out, prevents future, 'well you did this' things from coming up.

 

first thing, calm, I was broke up recently, ad for the first couple few weeks, yea, was bad. After over a month, when my truck came out of the shop, I had to pull over a couple times to not start crying and losing it. I drive a semi truck, and if I am not in complete control, my mistake can cost the lives of those around me.

 

For me, I can just force myself back into old habits, the good ones that is. Things that occupy, and take time, and just flooded myself with things to do. It helped dull the mind, and slow it down.

 

Eat though, cause it gives strength to the body, and what good are you to anyone, him, or yourself, if you are breaking down. Stay strong incase something were to happen to him, and, so you can live your own life.

 

What worked for me, at least to get on with life, was forcing myself into all the old things. I spen alot of time online, so, I got back into alot of things online that I did before, even if i didnt like them much, I pushed into them anyway. It helped settle me, got me back into a part of my life that I had before her, and, a part of my life that is always there. Not everyone can just smash on through the brick walls until they get to thier place of basic function. That is how I do it, so, that is what I can relay along.

 

Primarily, settle, calm, decompress yourself. Learn how to live on your own again, show him you have the strength, and the mental stability, to manage things on your own, cause, then he knows that you can manage things together, if something unforseen were to happen.

 

I hope you two can get back together, but, with a nice, deep, bed of coals that you two can take comfort and rest in until the next flare up of intense fire.

[Hunter658]

Thank you for the posts, especially you Nico. You are wonderful and I think you hit the nail on the head there.

 

I'm just so worried that if I give him this "space" I will lose the knowledge that we are together, his mind will wander, and he will forget about me. It scared me when he told me it was okay if I went and saw other people while he's getting his life together. That nearly destroyed me. I would honestly take a gunshot wound over the feelings I've been having. And I am not kidding about that.

 

I translated that to "Go find someone else, I don't care about you anymore but I don't have the balls to tell you that."

 

Or...

 

"I'm going to string you along for as long as I can because I am a sadistic bastard and like knowing I am in complete control over you."

 

Or...

 

Exactly what he said. He just needs time and space and does not plan on seeing anyone else and when the time comes, it will most certainly be me he's going to be with.

 

I don't know which one it is but it's tearing me apart. FOr the first time in seven days, we talked tonight. I wrote to him on AIM and told him "I love you and I hope you are well." As it turns out (the plot thickens) my best friend had messaged him and told him to end it with me and stop stringing me along because she firmly believes that's what he's doing. I can't possibly get mad at her for doing that. She's been worried I'll end up in the hospital over this. And I would just like to say that I am NOT a weak person and this situation has just taken its toll on me. So he told me about their conversation and again, nothing has been solved other than him telling me he needs "space" and that, although he understands my friends love and care about me, if any of them ever tries to contact him again he will end it completely.

 

I'm supposed to talk to him tomorrow. He said he would "try" to call me.

[Hunter658]

Your happiness should not rely on someone to make you happy. You need to find happiness from inside.

 

Although that is perfect and wonderful advice, my heart won't hear it. Happiness is a state of mind - just not one that I'm in at the present moment. Thank you for your response, but my heart is full of weeds and I'm having a dance with sorrow right now. She has my dance card. Happiness is Sorrow's distant stepsister who is on vacation in the Caribbean somewhere and has turned off her cell phone. I left her a voicemail, though.

[Hunter658]

I am not gay, so I won't pretend I understand how society affects one's abilities to explore their sexual preferences as they grow up. I suspect that in getting the general idea from society as a whole that homosexuality is not "normal" (I am relatively certain that there are very few places that completely accept homosexuals, therefor at some point a gay person must endure disapproving glares at best, or physical/verbal harassment at worst).

 

If true, then you have likely waged some internal battles regarding relationships. I believe your friend may be waging his own battles as well. And I think these battle have affected how you both have handled this relationship... it's not a horribly bad thing, it's just those ways in which we learn to love someone else, and the mistakes we make along the way.

 

That he would go from hot to cold like he has, I can only think two things - either he built you up to be his own personal God and when spending time with you he realized that like all mortals you have your flaws, or he was so overwhelmed by his feelings that he has begun building walls in order to protect himself.

 

My advice: he has asked for space, so give it to him. If you feel the need, write him an email - open with "I know you want your space and this will be my last contact until you contact me when you're comfortable, but I wanted to tell you how I feel..." Tell him how you held back because you were scared of your own feelings, tell him how he makes you feel when you hear his voice, tell him how you would love to be in a real, mature, comfortable relationship with him. Tell him if it doesn't happen, you will be very sad, and you will mourn the loss of what might have been, but that if it's not meant to be you won't push it. Tell him you hope to hear from him soon because you miss him, and then give him time to think about how he feels and what he wants.

 

I don't know if that's the answer, but that is how I would handle it if I were in your shoes. Hope it's helpful.

 

Excellent advice and I'm taking it to heart. Thank you so much for your insight. Sometimes you need a totally objective opinion to gain a realistic perspective. I honestly think he got overwhelmed in his life outside of me and that has made it nearly impossible for him to communicate with me at all and my pressuring him to do has only made it worse. Or at least I'm telling myself that's what's going on.

 

It was a great relief to talk to him tonight. How pathetic I am to be so clingy towards someone that just a word from them (even if it's a nasty word) sparks a glimmer of hope.

[Island Girl]

First of all I am sorry you are going through this.

 

You and John have been so intertwined it is no wonder you have been feeling as you have.

But as others have said you really should make sure you take care of yourself. Getting to the point where you are hospitalized or worse will certainly not help.

 

My advice: he has asked for space, so give it to him. If you feel the need, write him an email - open with "I know you want your space and this will be my last contact until you contact me when you're comfortable, but I wanted to tell you how I feel..." Tell him how you held back because you were scared of your own feelings, tell him how he makes you feel when you hear his voice, tell him how you would love to be in a real, mature, comfortable relationship with him. Tell him if it doesn't happen, you will be very sad, and you will mourn the loss of what might have been, but that if it's not meant to be you won't push it. Tell him you hope to hear from him soon because you miss him, and then give him time to think about how he feels and what he wants.

 

I agree with this.

 

I honestly think he got overwhelmed in his life outside of me and that has made it nearly impossible for him to communicate with me at all and my pressuring him to do has only made it worse. Or at least I'm telling myself that's what's going on.

 

I think you are right.

 

But he also could have handled himself better as well. Even if he is feeling this way he could have done better with more of an explanation and a bit more understanding that this was going to be quite a shock and hurtful to you.

 

It was a great relief to talk to him tonight. How pathetic I am to be so clingy towards someone that just a word from them (even if it's a nasty word) sparks a glimmer of hope.

 

You aren't pathetic. You are just feeling really deep painful emotions.

 

You really seem like a very sweet man from your posts.

 

Welcome to LS.

 

It is great for those back and forth emotional swings like you had using AIM. And it won't cause you additional angst and grief when you do.

 

Instead of contacting him you can vent here all you want.

[Cora]

I just wanted to say I am so very sorry for what has happened to you and what you are going through. There are probably no words I could say to make you feel better because really this just SUCKS!! Plain and simple it really does. I know it does because I just lost the only guy I ever truly loved who apparently never loved me in return. There is so much you don't understand and I know that. Please know that you are not alone and we are all here to help. This is a wonderful forum full of wonderful caring people who can all in some way relate to what you are going through.

 

You deserve so much better than how this man is treating you! If someone truly loved you they would never treat you this way! I am learning this the hard way. I feel for you I really do because I understand how much it hurts. To give you heart fully to someone who can just stomp all over it like that.....it's devastating. You appear to be a very caring guy with a loving heart. If this guy can't shape up and learn to love you the way you deserve to be loved then you need to find someone who can and will. That person is out there for you and you shouldn't have to settle for anything less! Hang in there and please take care of yourself.

[Hunter658]

First of all I am sorry you are going through this.

 

You and John have been so intertwined it is no wonder you have been feeling as you have.

But as others have said you really should make sure you take care of yourself. Getting to the point where you are hospitalized or worse will certainly not help.

 

 

 

I agree with this.

 

 

 

I think you are right.

 

But he also could have handled himself better as well. Even if he is feeling this way he could have done better with more of an explanation and a bit more understanding that this was going to be quite a shock and hurtful to you.

 

 

 

You aren't pathetic. You are just feeling really deep painful emotions.

 

You really seem like a very sweet man from your posts.

 

Welcome to LS.

 

It is great for those back and forth emotional swings like you had using AIM. And it won't cause you additional angst and grief when you do.

 

Instead of contacting him you can vent here all you want.

 

 

 

Thank you so much for your advice and for your wisdom. I was hoping you would respond to this thread. I've read a lot of your posts in other threads and you give some wonderful support and advice and I can't thank you enough.

 

Yesterday was bad. The sad, frustrated, and depressed feelings turned into anger again (I hate when that happens), and I just got really upset again. My best friend messaging him and telling him to cut me off shook him up a bit. She is convinced he is malicious, sadistic and pathetic for stringing me along. I disagree with her. I am convinced he is the love of my life. When I talked to him about it, he said he would "try" to make contact with me (after I pleaded with him to do so)..and he didn't. So I exploded again.

 

I started by calling both of his numbers. He ignored both of my calls. I sent him a text message to please answer my call. I called both of them again and he ignored them again. That's when the anger started. I sent him a text message asking him to stop being an ******* and answer my call. He did not. I called him again last night - again, nothing. Then this morning I tried to call him again and he finally sent me a text message asking me "Why are you doing this?"

 

Why am I doing this? Because I am madly in love with him. Whether it was a mistake or not, I chose him to be the person I'm gonna be with and committed my heart to him. He asked me to. And now he's forcing me to regret everything because all he's done is hurt me. He won't tell me how much space he needs, or for how long. He says he's not strong enough right now to handle a relationship. I just don't know what to think. He is a shell of the person I thought he was and I'm holding on to the hope that that person still exists somewhere and I'm fighting to find him.

 

As crazy as this sounds, this is eating me alive. I am considering driving from TN to PA to say I'm sorry. Crazy as hell but I will go to great lengths to be with him and the distance is killing me. Space? 800 miles isn't enough space?

 

When someone says they need "space" it means they want space....*without you in it*. I read that somewhere and I hope that's not true. I just don't know what to do. So this morning after he sent me that text message asking me why I'm doing this I wrote back and said that I had gained a perspective on everything (I have - the anger has subsided for the time being) and that I really needed to talk to him. He said he would talk to me after work because he's "up to his ass in problems." So I told him I would call him later on when he's off.

 

I have no idea what to say. I just hope I don't fly off the handle again. I've come to realize that anything hurtful I say to him ends up coming back and hurting me instead. It made my heart sink yesterday when he wasn't answering my calls no matter what I said to him. I almost lost my job last night because I was so upset. My manager had to sit and tlak to me and all I could do was fight back the tears.

[Sweet326]

Hunter, as hard as it may be you have to give him space, otherwise you will push him away for good. If he really feels the way he said and there was magic between the two of you he will eventually come around. If for some reason, after meeting you in person, he has had a change of mind you can't make him love you.

 

When you talk tonight just convey to him how you feel, bring up good memories you've shared and what you hope for the future. Then tell him you will respect his wishes and will be there when he is ready. Try to leave it on a good note with positive memories in his mind. After that, you just have to be patient. It's sooo hard I know, but the alternative could be to lose him forever.

 

Try to immerse yourself in an activity or with friends while you wait. Since you are not working, maybe you could get away for a few days.

[boldjack]

Hunter, first let me preface this by saying that I'm not a judgemental person and I have no prejudices about a person's sexuality. Your problem doesn't have much to do with your being gay. This type of thing happens to many people in a LDR. What it appears to me, to be going on, is that you two are at different levels in your relationship. You have committed to him as a partner, but he has not reached that level of commitment yet. Many things are happening in his life, and he needs time and space to sort them out. From your posts, it seems that he has relationship problems (You) ,employment problems, possibly financial difficulties, and medical problems. That is quite a load, and he is possibly stressing out. By being "clingy", you aren't helping him deal with his issues. I know that it's hard, you care, and want to help, but you are 800 miles away, and even if you were there, it would only add to the stress. The only thing you can do is respect his wishes, and give him the space/time to find his own way. This doesn't mean that you won't be together in the future, only that you need to be apart NOW. My daughter and her husband had the same problem. She graduated from college and got a good job and was ready to settle down. He didn't graduate until a year later, and wasn't ready for that level of committment. They broke up for a year. Now they are married and expecting their second child. So take heart, there is hope.

[Nikki Sahagin]

You obviously had a very intense relationship. I have one as well. The dangerous thing with intensity is that it can be both productive and destructive. As Nico said fire can burn, but if you allow the fire to settle, it is something enduring and constant. You both seemed very intense in love. Again, I am the same. It sounds like a Romeo and Juliet kind of thing. It has the capability of being both epic or tragic at either end of the scale. These types of relationships are a rollercoaster and incredibly addictive, as i've repeated, i'm in 1. The worry with an intense relationship is that anything that lessens it, i.e. 1 less text or phone call or 1 less hour on msn, is taken as a loss to that intensity and is taken as a fault. But building intensity can only smother, possess and eventually kill love. I am the same as you though so I am here for any moral support If he promises to be with you after he sorts himself out, give him some time or space and keep in minimal contact. Check in on how he is doing but don't be too demanding.

[Hunter658]

You obviously had a very intense relationship. I have one as well. The dangerous thing with intensity is that it can be both productive and destructive. As Nico said fire can burn, but if you allow the fire to settle, it is something enduring and constant. You both seemed very intense in love. Again, I am the same. It sounds like a Romeo and Juliet kind of thing. It has the capability of being both epic or tragic at either end of the scale. These types of relationships are a rollercoaster and incredibly addictive, as i've repeated, i'm in 1. The worry with an intense relationship is that anything that lessens it, i.e. 1 less text or phone call or 1 less hour on msn, is taken as a loss to that intensity and is taken as a fault. But building intensity can only smother, possess and eventually kill love. I am the same as you though so I am here for any moral support If he promises to be with you after he sorts himself out, give him some time or space and keep in minimal contact. Check in on how he is doing but don't be too demanding.

 

It has been very intense. From the beginning, there was a level of intensity that was both intriguing and it freaked me out at the same time. Reluctantly, I embraced it and started returning that intensity. I guess it was too much for him but I thought that's what he wanted. The truth is, I have no idea what's really going on here.

 

And he still hasn't called. He keeps putting it off today. I have sat by the phone in my bed dead-still for the past seven hours laying next to that phone. I keep trying to tell myself to get out of bed, do something productive, and stop focusing on him, but this gaping hole where my heart used to be is forbidding me to do so.

[Hunter658]

Hunter, first let me preface this by saying that I'm not a judgemental person and I have no prejudices about a person's sexuality. Your problem doesn't have much to do with your being gay. This type of thing happens to many people in a LDR. What it appears to me, to be going on, is that you two are at different levels in your relationship. You have committed to him as a partner, but he has not reached that level of commitment yet. Many things are happening in his life, and he needs time and space to sort them out. From your posts, it seems that he has relationship problems (You) ,employment problems, possibly financial difficulties, and medical problems. That is quite a load, and he is possibly stressing out. By being "clingy", you aren't helping him deal with his issues. I know that it's hard, you care, and want to help, but you are 800 miles away, and even if you were there, it would only add to the stress. The only thing you can do is respect his wishes, and give him the space/time to find his own way. This doesn't mean that you won't be together in the future, only that you need to be apart NOW. My daughter and her husband had the same problem. She graduated from college and got a good job and was ready to settle down. He didn't graduate until a year later, and wasn't ready for that level of committment. They broke up for a year. Now they are married and expecting their second child. So take heart, there is hope.

 

I think that is definitely some excellent advice, but it's the hardest to swallow because of my fear that he'll turn to someone else and while I'm so far away, I will have no control over that. I'm worried he will forget about me, or will only remember how much we argued and that I refused to give him "space" when he needed it most. I don't know what space means, but the silence is deafening.

 

I made another attempt to call him. I've called him six times today. He has put me off due to "circumstances" each time but he finally answered the phone a minute ago. At least he did not ignore me today. He said he would talk to me when he "finished with his parents" and he sounded like he had been crying. I honestly don't think I realize the severity of the situation he's going through but I do think I realize now what he meant when he said "there is just a severity right now." But I have no idea about that because he won't talk to me about it and when he does he makes it so vague it doesn't really make any sense.

 

I think this may be an exception here, guys. And I think I may have handled myself the wrong way. But forgive me for being human with human emotions. He should try to understand how something like "space" would affect me. Most recently, all I could think about was the idea that this guy just doesn't want to be with *me* and that has torn me up.

 

I'm okay with not being with anyone else while he gets his life together. I can't even fathom the idea. He's the only guy I wanna be with and I felt so close to him while he was here and now I feel so far away. I want tohelp him with his problems and he won't let me. I want to be there with him while he's going through Hell and I don't want him to go through it alone. And like a bull in a china shop, my anger and confusion have been destroying everything in its path. On the other hand, his lack of consideration that this is driving me absolutely insane is also frustrating.

 

Ahhh, human behaviour. There's definitely definitely no logic.

[boldjack]

Hunter, You aren't listening!!! He has said he has feelings for you, but he has problems and needs space. so what do you do? You call him 6 TIMES?!?! What you are doing, is driving him away surer than anything else you could do. LEAVE HIM ALONE. dON'T CAL, E-MAIL , TEXT, ANYTHING. TOTAL NC I know it's hard to do, but it's the only way you have a chance.

[Hunter658]

I just wanted to say I am so very sorry for what has happened to you and what you are going through. There are probably no words I could say to make you feel better because really this just SUCKS!! Plain and simple it really does. I know it does because I just lost the only guy I ever truly loved who apparently never loved me in return. There is so much you don't understand and I know that. Please know that you are not alone and we are all here to help. This is a wonderful forum full of wonderful caring people who can all in some way relate to what you are going through.

 

You deserve so much better than how this man is treating you! If someone truly loved you they would never treat you this way! I am learning this the hard way. I feel for you I really do because I understand how much it hurts. To give you heart fully to someone who can just stomp all over it like that.....it's devastating. You appear to be a very caring guy with a loving heart. If this guy can't shape up and learn to love you the way you deserve to be loved then you need to find someone who can and will. That person is out there for you and you shouldn't have to settle for anything less! Hang in there and please take care of yourself.

 

Thank you so much for your insight and your kind words. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only person going through this gaggle of emotions. We're Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, haha. I've been trying so hard to fight the "space" Cora and I'm worried that, in doing so, I am destroying any chances of him being with me in the future.

 

I just want him to know how much I desperately love him, and that no matter how far away he is, nothing is going to change that. I remember one day I was having some serious financial difficulties and he happened to call me while I was sitting in a church parking lot bawling my eyes out. I don't make a habit of losing it like that, but he caught me at a really vulnerable moment. In the beginning, I promised him I would always answer his calls, and so I did in that moment and he talked me out of it. He helped me fight the tears and offered his help but I refused it. But hearing his voice, and himt elling me how much he loved me and how happy we were going to be when were could finally be together. Those are the kinds of things I'm "clinging" on to, do you understand?

 

And now the situation has been reversed and instead of staying on the phone like I did, he avoids talking about it completely by giving me an excuse on why he can't be on the phone with me at any given time. It's heartbreaking and also aggravating that there could be someone else helping him through all of this and I would never know. I trust him. I really do trust him, but I can't help but be somewhat paranoid I'll lose him to someone else because he lives so far away at the moment. I can't help but admit that that's bothering me too. When he told me it was okay if I saw other people, that was a giant red flag to me that he could be doing the same thing.

[KikiW]

Honey, you are trying to control things you do not have control over. You can't make him love, you, you can't make him act or react exactly the way you want him to, and you can't control his own emotions.

 

You are out of control, in several aspects of the sense. I understand that you want desperately to talk to him, but texting him so much and calling him names in order to illicit a response will only come back to bite you in the @$$.

 

There IS something you have complete control over - your actions and reactions. You may not feel like you can control your emotions... you will feel how you feel whether you understand it completely or not. But you can control how you use those emotions. Will you call him a dozen times to try and tell him about them, and then get mad that he is not paying you the attention you want? Or will you go for a walk, or put in a movie, or sit down and write him a letter (but save it, do not send it)? Which will show him you are giving him the space he asked for and prove to him that you respect the boundaries he has set? Which will show him that you love him and care about him?

 

(I'm on a bit of Benedryl, so I am hoping this is not too hard to follow.)

 

I truly believe everything happens as it was meant to be. Any time I have tried to force the issue, it didn't work out well and I should have known from the start of forcing that it wouldn't work out well. If he is meant to meet someone else, you will need to accept that. But the impression I get is that he is dealing with way too much to even entertain dating someone else. He just needs some time to get his head on straight, take care of urgent matters and think about what it was he wants out of his life. Let him do that.

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

[Hunter658]

Honey, you are trying to control things you do not have control over. You can't make him love, you, you can't make him act or react exactly the way you want him to, and you can't control his own emotions.

 

You are out of control, in several aspects of the sense. I understand that you want desperately to talk to him, but texting him so much and calling him names in order to illicit a response will only come back to bite you in the @$$.

 

There IS something you have complete control over - your actions and reactions. You may not feel like you can control your emotions... you will feel how you feel whether you understand it completely or not. But you can control how you use those emotions. Will you call him a dozen times to try and tell him about them, and then get mad that he is not paying you the attention you want? Or will you go for a walk, or put in a movie, or sit down and write him a letter (but save it, do not send it)? Which will show him you are giving him the space he asked for and prove to him that you respect the boundaries he has set? Which will show him that you love him and care about him?

 

(I'm on a bit of Benedryl, so I am hoping this is not too hard to follow.)

 

I truly believe everything happens as it was meant to be. Any time I have tried to force the issue, it didn't work out well and I should have known from the start of forcing that it wouldn't work out well. If he is meant to meet someone else, you will need to accept that. But the impression I get is that he is dealing with way too much to even entertain dating someone else. He just needs some time to get his head on straight, take care of urgent matters and think about what it was he wants out of his life. Let him do that.

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

 

Not hard to swallow at all. I understand completely what you're saying and I'm afraid I might be too late. I talked to him tonight again. He got on AIM and I started talking to him. I poured out a lot of emotion and said the things I needed desperately to say to him. He spent most of the conversation saying that my friend messaging him has put him over the edge. He said he is furious and that she had no right to do that. I agreed and pleaded with him that she only did that because she came and picked me up off the floor one night. I am kind of irked that she did it during the time I was trying to give him space. He was very angry when he talked to me tonight for two reasons. Mainly because I haven't given him the space he asked for and because my friend messaged him and told him to break it off. I vehemently disagree with her and really wish she hadn't done that.

 

He now says he's going to give me his final decision in 3 days. He wants me to pretend that he "doesn't exist for 3 days." And that he doesn't want me to mope anymore. I said the things I needed to say to him tonight. I've done all I can do. I've done too much.

 

I thank you guys for all the support you've given me through this difficult time. I wish I had started talking to you sooner. It has really helped me gain perspective on what "Space" really means and - heed my words my friends - you, too, could learn from this: Space doesn't always mean they don't want to be with you. Space can mean just that. Space. It's not that they don't want to be with you, it could be because they are going through a difficult time and just need some "me" time. It's up to you to decide on whether or not you're going to let that destroy you or you're going to respect it. But always entertain the thought that it doesn't have to be at your expense. It only becomes that way if you let it.

 

I will be absolutely dead inside if he tells me he doesn't want to talk to me again. Absolutely decimated.

[KikiW]

I'm sure your friend had hear heart in the right place, but it was ill-timed and probably came across as incredibly obnoxious.

 

It sounds like you know what it means to give someone space now, but I will state it again... GIVE HIM HIS SPACE - even if you see him online, DO NOT initiate conversation unless HE does. Consider that he may need more than 3 days to think about things as well, so when the third day comes DO NOT interrogate him on what his answer is. Give him whatever time he needs to think things through... if he does come to you in 3 days and he still sounds overwhelmed, ask him if he needs more time to make the best decision. Many times I have been pressed for an answer, I gave the answer the other person didn't like because I didn't have enough time to think things through. It would be a shame if that happened here.

 

The feeling I get is that he is testing you. He wants to see if you will respect his wishes. If you break the "space", he will see it as another disrespect, and I understand that's not what you mean by it. I understand you simply want to be with him and want to say again and again how you feel about him. But you know what he needs and you have to give it to him.

 

My fingers are crossed for you. Just remember to breathe.

[Cora]

I am so sorry! You must be going through pure hell right now. It's very difficult to not have any contact with someone you love so dearly. You just want to reach out to them and help them through whatever they are going through because you care about them so much. But you have to realize that you are helping them tremendously just by giving them the space they requested. I believe also that your friend was only trying to help because all of this was taking such a toll on you and it wasn't healthy. She truly had your best interest at heart even though the timing wasn't the best. So don't give up hope yet but also prepare yourself in case the worst happens and know that no matter what you WILL be okay! I hope it turns out well for you I really do. My thoughts are with you. Please continue to keep us updated!

[Island Girl]

I'm sure your friend had hear heart in the right place, but it was ill-timed and probably came across as incredibly obnoxious.

 

Heart in the right place or not I'd be very angry with my friend.

I expect my friends to be supportive and provide distraction if possible not to jump right in the middle and cause more of a problem.

 

But it is water under the bridge at this point.

 

It sounds like you know what it means to give someone space now, but I will state it again... GIVE HIM HIS SPACE - even if you see him online, DO NOT initiate conversation unless HE does. Consider that he may need more than 3 days to think about things as well, so when the third day comes DO NOT interrogate him on what his answer is. Give him whatever time he needs to think things through... if he does come to you in 3 days and he still sounds overwhelmed, ask him if he needs more time to make the best decision. Many times I have been pressed for an answer, I gave the answer the other person didn't like because I didn't have enough time to think things through. It would be a shame if that happened here.

 

I could not agree more.

 

If you are feeling compelled to reach out to him in any way to say anything then get off the computer and get out of the house.

Run around the block or at least take a walk to cool your head.

 

Try and remember that contacting him is for you to get what you want or need.

Not contacting him is showing him that you love him and will give him what he wants or needs.

 

Also please consider that you do get through this as a couple. And think about "what then?"

You are together but you can't see each other because you didn't take care of even your most basic needs and now you are stuck in some hospital somewhere?

That isn't going to help anything or anyone. So PLEASE take care of yourself.

 

I do feel for you having to go through this. You have invested a lot of yourself in this.

I am so very sorry.

[Hunter658]

He broke up with me today.

[Hunter658]

I was just explaining to my friend what has happened here. He came here from Pennsylvania and left here with my heart. When he got back, he sat down and began to slice it up into pieces which he then began to eat...very slowly. There was one piece left and he chose to kick it out the door into the night. It got rained on for a few days and then a dingo promptly snatched it away and took off into the forest where he proceeded to **** it out.

 

My heart is now a piece of regurgitated dog ****.

[Rollercoasterr]

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. I know it doesn't help, and I know it doesn't make you feel any better at the end of the day to know that someone outside of the situation is sorry, but I truly am. You sound like a very loving, sweet and caring guy, and I can only think that it's his loss. He couldn't see you for all of the wonderful things that you were, and that you truly cared. Maybe he was afraid of that. Some men have commitment issues.

 

I do think that maybe it got out of control a bit there at the end, but at that moment I know it was out of your control. When me and my fiance dated some years back the night he broke up with me was horrendous. For weeks after that I was in the very state that you have been in. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't do ANYTHING except for want to talk to him. If I hadn't of had my best friend hiding my phone from me and changing my IM passwords it probably would have been a big ole mess. But I was in complete and total shock and the heartbreak was too much to bear. Granted that we ARE back together now, and getting married next year, but still. Sometimes the memory of our past is just too much to bear. So I have been where you are. I know it's frustrating to have to sit and listen to all these people tell you to move on, that he's not worth it, and to just completely cut contact with him, but I also know that it's for the best that you at least try and do those things.

 

Go out, have fun, go shopping(it always makes me feel better), and meet new people. I dont think you should jump right out and get into another relationship, however. You need time for your heart to heal.

 

And please, do come back here and vent. We're all here for you.

[mental_traveller]

Hunter, You aren't listening!!! He has said he has feelings for you, but he has problems and needs space. so what do you do? You call him 6 TIMES?!?! What you are doing, is driving him away surer than anything else you could do. LEAVE HIM ALONE. dON'T CAL, E-MAIL , TEXT, ANYTHING. TOTAL NC I know it's hard to do, but it's the only way you have a chance.

 

Indeed. C'mon, it's not hard to understand plain English.