wildsoul Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 [A special hello to jwi71, who nudged me for an update in another thread. ] I really feel like I'm on the other side of my relationship with xSM now. My steadfastness hasn't been tested by him yet, but I've had zero impulse to contact him in any way. It's been a month since I've seen him. It feels good to be away from him. I forget now, but it seems the last thread I started was around the time of our 1 year anniversary. Inwardly, that was sort of a time-line by when I wanted to see him take more steps towards divorce. Holidays were over. I'd invested a year. But when my "do date" came, I still didn't feel 100% decided. He was continually telling me everything I wanted to hear. It seemed very convincing. He was a big one for engaging in "future talk" with me. Yet I was feeling inner-pressures because I'm at a point in my life when I need to make some life decisions. Not willing to wait forever, yanno? Since I didn't have the clarity I needed yet, I continued seeing him and also praying for the greater truth to be revealed. A month later, it was. We were in a honeymoon phase. Wonderful. We'd spent a full week together. Then I felt a storm coming, as he started acting annoyed at me one day. No reason, except I was coming downstairs (my house!) and he couldn't concentrate at his computer. Faster than lightening, he began raging at me (again.) Weird, projective, verbal abuse. Yes, OF COURSE, I threw him out. I broke up with him too. Ugh. But then I had another problem. I had to work out of town for almost 2 weeks. I really needed the money, but only took the job because he promised me he would stay at my house and look after my kitten. No, I couldn't afford a pet-sitter. I'm THAT broke. So I made nice, and he agreed to keep his word. Last time I saw him, he dropped me off at the airport. About 5 days into my trip, on a Friday, during our nightly phone call, he told me he was at his W's house to pick up some files for work. He said he'd be back the next day with my kitten. Saturday came and went. His phone was off. Didn't answer my text. Sunday was passing. He finally called me back. CRAZY TOWN. He was still at his W's house. When I confronted him about it being 2 days of my kitten being along (not OK!) he raged at me, saying it was only ONE day. "No, it's been over 48hrs," I said. "You crazy bitch! It's been 24 hrs!" I kid you not. I quickly realized he was off his rocker. I still needed him for my kitten. I was panicked, but 100% calm. He raged and accused me of needing medication (projection!) Finally, I hung up. After a few hours, I was able to get a friend to check on my kitten. (I live in a remote area, so this is NOT easy.) Monday afternoon (3 days later) xSM returned to my house. He sent 5-6 texts/emails saying my cat was ok, not to worry. WTF? Like he's trying to prove he's a good guy now? I ignored him, except for the day I was coming home, only because I wanted to make sure he was GONE by then. We had a short emotionless conversation, when he told me that he was going back to his apartment. When I returned for 1 nite (before having to leave again) my kitten was obviously upset, but okay. However, I was forced to leave him alone again for 2 more nites, since the agreement with xSM blew up. At the end of 2 weeks time, my poor kitten was so stressed that he came down with cat flu. :mad: Something is mentally wrong with xSM. I still speculate that it might be NPD because his lack of empathy about the kitten (who he ADORED previously) is so shocking. I've experienced the narcissistic projection of him putting me on the highest of pedastals, and now devaluing me. But don't misunderstand; I'm not spending time diagnosing him. Zero interest in saving him. He doesn't even think he has a problem. It just all clicked. Poof! Done. I predicted to my friends that if I didn't contact him, that he will not contact me (intentionally abandon me.) He won't call and risk my anger. My other prediction is that he'll seeking my replacement. If or when that fails, I predict that he'll contact me and try to get me back. I've not faltered. Hardly shed a tear. I miss the romance, affection, and great sex we had. I ended the relationship because of HIM, not because of his marital status (although I'll never date a married OR separated man again.) He's just in a different compartment in my mind now. He's in the "ex box," with other boyfriends. More like the "junk drawer," really. He's abusive. And while all of that "future talk" we had included so many of my hopes and dreams, abuse isn't in it. Done!
jj33 Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Really glad to hear you are OK. Sounds like a nightmare. Hope your kitten is all better now. You tried. You gave it your best shot. You gave him every opportunity to be the man he said he could be. Good for you for getting out without a lot of drama (well he had drama but you werent there for it). You sound really grounded about being on the other side. You closed that door now two more will open. jj
Author wildsoul Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 You closed that door now two more will open. jj Yes. All the boys are getting spring fever it seems! I'm filling in my social calendar. It's a good time to be single.
sadintexas Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 I am soooo glad to hear you broke it off with him! My NPD radar was going off like crazy in another one of your posts (I replied to you then). You deserve so much better than that kind of treatment, which DOES NOT ever get better. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and you're at peace with your decision. I am so happy for you!
whichwayisup Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 I've missed seeing your avatar..It's one of my favourites and is so calming!! Happy to hear that the narcissistic a-hole is out of your life. Sorry that you had to suffer even more, but boy am I glad that you've shut the door on him for good. You're free and I wish you all the best Wild!
NewSunrise Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Yes. All the boys are getting spring fever it seems! I'm filling in my social calendar. It's a good time to be single. FREEDOM is a healthy companion. Indulge in it for awhile by redefining and getting to know yourself a little bit more. I love my dog! She loves kittens in a motherly way. She licked a friend's kitten on the head so much that the kitten looked like a rock star. :D lol... You'll be fine.
Trialbyfire Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 It's good to see OWs who move out of the affair fog and open their eyes to the fact that a lot of these men aren't right in the head. Whether they've got NPD or have a bad case of narcissism, the signs are there, in that they're living a life with two women to meet their...expansive and ever expanding...needs. Welcome back to the real world and good luck with your pursuit of a healthy relationship!
jwi71 Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 [A special hello to jwi71, who nudged me for an update in another thread. ] Now I'm blushing which is terribly un-manlike of me. I really feel like I'm on the other side of my relationship with xSM now. Great, great news. Your last thread indicated a hard date of when to end it and when days late turned into weeks late - I grew suspicious. And I am sooooo happy you are FREE of him. That your life is no longer on pause and your decisions require HIM. Now...go out and find a man who will place YOU on a pedestal. A man who makes YOU his priority. A man who need NOT HIDE his affections - a man who screams to the world... "WTF, my GF has wings!!" Best wishes...
xxxheartbrokenxxx Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Hey Wildsoul, I had missed seeing you on here and often wondered how things were going with your situation. So sorry it ended up not working out due to the SM having some sort of personality disorder, urgh. No excuse for all that abusive language & behaviour though. But very pleased that you see the situation for what it is and you ended it on your terms, sounds like you have moved on already which is just brilliant! How is your kitten doing now?
willing Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 So glad you saw his narcissistic side, and understood it for what it was! So many people do not know about narcissism (even though it is all around us) and when your loved one turns nasty, its easy to wonder what YOU are doing to bring on the raging and blaming.
Ms. Red Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 I felt this guy was bad news after you had to call the sheriff for advice on what to do if he returned to your house. I hope you really mean it this time because I thought you really meant it that time too. You are a strong level headed woman by the way you come off on your posts. For some reason this man brought out a weakness in you. I really hope you steer clear from him in the future. I wish you well. =^-^=
Trialbyfire Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Strength, stubbornness and determination can work for or against you. It can get you what you want. The only problem is that when you get it, it might not be what you thought it was. When this happens, it works against you because you have to fight yourself too, to say, okay, this was a mistake. I'm not just applying this to the OP but to everyone who's wired like this, myself inclusive. I get what I want out of life. I also get bit in the arse for it too.
Soaked Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Wildsoul, it's so nice to see you are doing well and finally out of all the drama. and may i ask you where did you meet/find those spring fever boys?? :p Trialbyfire, I really like what you said above. Think of it, it's quite amazing I got that strength, stubbornness and determination to stuck with xMM for so long. Since they are in me, I could use them work the other way. :)
NoIDidn't Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 When I confronted him about it being 2 days of my kitten being along (not OK!) he raged at me, saying it was only ONE day. "No, it's been over 48hrs," I said. "You crazy bitch! It's been 24 hrs!" I kid you not. I quickly realized he was off his rocker. I still needed him for my kitten. I was panicked, but 100% calm. He raged and accused me of needing medication (projection!) Monday afternoon (3 days later) xSM returned to my house. He sent 5-6 texts/emails saying my cat was ok, not to worry. WTF? Like he's trying to prove he's a good guy now? Something is mentally wrong with xSM. I still speculate that it might be NPD because his lack of empathy about the kitten (who he ADORED previously) is so shocking. I've experienced the narcissistic projection of him putting me on the highest of pedastals, and now devaluing me. But don't misunderstand; I'm not spending time diagnosing him. Zero interest in saving him. He doesn't even think he has a problem. I miss the romance, affection, and great sex we had. I separated the quotes because they really stood out to me. I dated a guy like this once, and it always amazes me that even though I think he's as crazy as a loon - the sex and romance was off the charts (most of the time). This is not an "I told you so". I didn't think this relationship was going to last very long after his stint around Thanksgiving. I'm so glad that he continued showing you who he was. And I am with you on the marital status part. Married or divorced or separated, this guy was bad news. Yay, for WildSoul!
Author wildsoul Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 @sadintexas: Thanks. Yes, I also read that in cases of NPD that it "doesn't get better." I think a former me would balk at that, because I do think that people can change. I probably would have tried getting him into therapy or something. However, his denial that he has a problem, evidenced by how he projectively accused me of things he was doing, made it clear that he wasn't a fixer-upper. I tried changing myself and how I handled it a bit, but it became obvious that it wasn't something I was causing. It was him. @whichwayisup: Thanks, doll. You've been a support since the beginning. :) @NewSunrise: Freedom. Flitting around a bit like a butterfly this spring feels like a marvelous time to me! @TrialbyFire: You touch on a key difference between someone who cheats and someone who doesn't. My guy's story about how he "couldn't be an a-hole and totally walk out on his wife," didn't really hold water. Having recently been divorced myself, I understand taking it slow and letting your partner adjust. I know she was begging him not to divorce her. But it still seems selfish to keep an ex on the hook instead of helping them to let go. @jwi71: Thanks. And I finally got the "wings" joke. It's just my avatar that has wings. @xxxheartbrokenxxx: I took some time away from the board, and found it actually HELPED me to get clear. I was spending too much time online, but also reading all the different stories got me in a mindset that was confusing. I was constantly looking at my xSM thru a lens of "Is he using/lying to me like some of these other MM's?" It's a good question to ask, but it began getting in the way of my direct experience. So I went offline here for a few weeks with the intention of deciding about my relationship for myself (and did.) It took 8-days, but the kitten is recovered now, thanks! @willing: YES. And since non-abusive types DO take their own behavior into consideration, it's easy to get stuck looking at improving yourself. The first couple times he raged, it seemed that I *might* have set him off. (Like the time when he showed up late and poorly dressed for a date and I criticized him. Or at Thanksgiving when I rationalized he might be stressed.) But the fatal flaw became super obvious to me last month, when clearly his rage had NOTHING to do with me. That really helped me let go! @Ms. Red: I was already in a vulnerable state when I met him. Newly divorced. Living in a new town. Having a big increase in overhead (mortgage!) while the economy started tanking my business. Then he arrives, with our strong chemistry and all his talk of soul-mates and BIG plans for our future. He had an uncanny ability to read my mind, knowing how to say what I needed to hear and describing a life together that included things on my secret wish list. I don't know if it was a weakness that he deliberately exploited. That seems a little bit true. It's also true that he WAS able to be the man I wanted to be with much of the time. Alas, but the part of him that was overly dysfunctional was a deal breaker. In any case, I'm trying to seal up the weakspots that leave me feeling overly weak, while staying open to love. I've got some work to do. @Soaked: The TOS prevents me from sharing the link, but I'm on a free dating site that my friends have been encouraging me to join. PM me if you want the link. But spring fever is evidenced everywhere! @NoIDidn't: I really hope to high heaven that the great sex isn't BECAUSE the relationship is dysfunctional! Because I really enjoyed how xSM and I connected on those romantic levels. Sex with us was off the charts, not because he was so skilled, but because something was so natural between us. We had the perfect mix of heart connection, passion, playfulness, and companionship. Somehow, we effortlessly brought out the best in each other in those ways. My relationship holy grail is to have a super hot, but stable and monogamous relationship (leading to marriage) that lasts a lifetime. People say that it isn't possible to have both. I'm going to keep on trying though. My soul won't rest. I really want to experience that in my life.
Soaked Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 wildsoul, I would love to know which dating site you go! unfortunately I can't sent you a pm, so if you can just tell me the name it maybe that will work?!
Author wildsoul Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 wildsoul, I would love to know which dating site you go! unfortunately I can't sent you a pm, so if you can just tell me the name it maybe that will work?! okcupid[dot]com
KismetGirl Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 WS, SO glad to hear you are doing better. These relationships can get toxic, can't they? I'm hoping I get to that point soon myself, but we'll see. It is a good time to be single if you look at it positively. Plenty of fish in the sea and all tha jazz, and plenty moreso that are single and able to focus on you the way you deserve. And not almost kill your poor kitty! Pah , im glad she's ok. I'd manually castrate a man if he'd put a pet at risk like that for no bloody well reason. Anyway, it is fabulous to hear people come on here once in a while and really seem like they are healing. We all deserve happiness, and we shoudln't have to wait for it....whether its one year, four years, whatever. Congrats on getting the kist to move on. Once they get put in the "ex" mental box, at least in my case, they stay that way. Good luck with future. Put on a spring dress and get out there and let all the boys buy you a drink ;-)
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