gd26 Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Hello, I am wondering if a person's age preference in partners has any indication of the type of relationship one is looking for. In my case, I am a 27 year old woman who is intelligent, independent, and looking for a relationship based on friendship, intellectual compatibility, trust, respect, etc. Chemistry is certainly important, but only as an initial hook - as the rest of the qualities need to be there. I have been frequenting online dating sites in hopes of finding a life partner, but wonder if a man's age preferences in women say anything about him as a potential partner. For instance, I often find men who are about 30 years old, and their age preference in women is typically between 18-35 years old. To me, the idea of a 30 year old man being with an 18 year old woman is a bit of a turn-off to me. I understand that everyone has his or her own preferences, and I respect that. It's just that I personally don't want to consider a man as a potential partner if he still is into 18 year old women. I can't imagine a 30 year old man who is into an 18 year old woman really looking for anything more than sex.... and I'm looking for someone who really wants an intellectual connection with his partner. So whenever I encounter men's profiles like that, I automatically delete them without bothering to read the profiles. I also feel uninterested when I see a man's profile who prefers a partner younger than himself.... like if he is 30 and wants women 20-30. I'm like "well, he will date people 10 years younger than him, but not 2-3 years older? what's up with that?" It makes me assume that a guy like that needs to be older than his partner because he has some old patriarchal view of needing to be the man of the house. So I automatically delete those profiles as well. I realize that all this may sound picky, but is there really any truth to it? In the last 2 years, the 2 most awesome guys I have come across were both 27 whose partner preference was approximately women ages 24 - 34. I really had a good feeling about them, as they weren't looking to 'rob the cradle' with a young woman and the fact that they could handle being with someone a bit older showed that they probably were more mature themselves. The last guy and I had an amazing intellectual connection, as we were both looking to find our equals in a relationship. We unfortunately had some compatibility issues in other areas and only dated for a few months; but he was absolutely phenomenal and I still deeply miss him. I know there are evolutionary reasons why men are often drawn to younger women. I don't dispute that, so that's not the issue here. I am simply wondering if my assumption that a man looking for a woman of his own age will give me the type of relationship of equals that I am looking for. I recently had a 31 year old man express interest in me online (who seemed like a pretty cool guy), but when I saw his age preference was 18-35, I declined him as I wasn't willing to deal with that. I don't think it is about me being insecure of a guy liking 18 year old girls, I just feel like my ideal guy would be above that and not looking to date a child (in my eyes). I want someone with more personal integrity. I am not sure if I acted in haste here with the guy on the dating site, or if I am correct to trust my gut feeling about this. If anyone wonders about my age preference, I have listed men's ages of 24-31. Younger than 24 is too young I think for anyone wanting to be in a long-term relationship (there may be exceptions but I think this is generally the case). And if a man is much older than his 30s, I think he may be in a different phase in life than myself as I'm still in school (just starting my doctorate-level degree), and I want someone around my age to grow with me. Sorry for this long post. Any thoughts or insight would be very much appreciated.
Shygirl15 Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 For instance, I often find men who are about 30 years old, and their age preference in women is typically between 18-35 years old. To me, the idea of a 30 year old man being with an 18 year old woman is a bit of a turn-off to me. I understand that everyone has his or her own preferences, and I respect that. It's just that I personally don't want to consider a man as a potential partner if he still is into 18 year old women. I can't imagine a 30 year old man who is into an 18 year old woman really looking for anything more than sex.... and I'm looking for someone who really wants an intellectual connection with his partner. So whenever I encounter men's profiles like that, I automatically delete them without bothering to read the profiles. Totally get you. This type of a guy strikes me as a person who has no clue to what he wants in a woman, because 18yo girl and a 35yo woman are as different as day and night. So basically he's just open to WHATEVER comes his way. Geez, What a turn off! I never give a second glance to such people too. Well.. I kinda dated one who had listed 18 - 60yrs (he's 38). His excuse? He just went along with the default age that appeared on the site, didn't feel like he needed to change anything:rolleyes:. I was right. Turned out to be a loser. I also feel uninterested when I see a man's profile who prefers a partner younger than himself.... like if he is 30 and wants women 20-30. I'm like "well, he will date people 10 years younger than him, but not 2-3 years older? what's up with that?" It makes me assume that a guy like that needs to be older than his partner because he has some old patriarchal view of needing to be the man of the house. So I automatically delete those profiles as well. I guess most guys would like to be the ones in control in a relationship, and what a better way to ensure that happens than date a younger woman? I do not find this a big turn off though.
Chicago_Guy Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I also feel uninterested when I see a man's profile who prefers a partner younger than himself.... like if he is 30 and wants women 20-30. I'm like "well, he will date people 10 years younger than him, but not 2-3 years older? what's up with that?" It makes me assume that a guy like that needs to be older than his partner because he has some old patriarchal view of needing to be the man of the house. So I automatically delete those profiles as well. I agree with some of what you wrote, but not the part above. After men reach a certain age, they do prefer at least slightly younger women, and would rather not date women who are slightly older, but it often isn't because of "some old patriarchal view of needing to be the man of the house." Instead, men in their early-mid 30s realize that they want to get married and have children and would prefer to get involved with a woman who gives them the best chance of having healthy children. Although many people disagree about this on these threads, a woman's fertility does decline throughout her 30s and the chances of birth defects if she does conceive do increase substantially (although they may still be low overall).
Jake Barnes Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I agree with some of what you wrote, but not the part above. After men reach a certain age, they do prefer at least slightly younger women, and would rather not date women who are slightly older, but it often isn't because of "some old patriarchal view of needing to be the man of the house." Instead, men in their early-mid 30s realize that they want to get married and have children and would prefer to get involved with a woman who gives them the best chance of having healthy children. Although many people disagree about this on these threads, a woman's fertility does decline throughout her 30s and the chances of birth defects if she does conceive do increase substantially (although they may still be low overall).Yes Also women my own age know too much about life and have expectations
Trialbyfire Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I've always viewed men who looked for someone substantially younger, as being immature and unable to meet the needs of someone who has more on their minds than shopping, drugs, booze and trivialities. It also says a lot about their self-esteem, confidence level and fear of aging, so I totally get where you're coming from.
Jake Barnes Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I've always viewed men who looked for someone substantially younger, as being immature and unable to meet the needs of someone who has more on their minds than shopping, drugs, booze and trivialities. It also says a lot about their self-esteem, confidence level and fear of aging, so I totally get where you're coming from. Yes A woman in her 30's usually expects you to have your fiscal house in order, to take care of yourself physically, never lets you drink to oblivion and interferes with your letting your mother take care of you and wash your clothes So who needs them
Trialbyfire Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Yes A woman in her 30's usually expects you to have your fiscal house in order, to take care of yourself physically, never lets you drink to oblivion and interferes with your letting your mother take care of you and wash your clothes So who needs them Don't forget to wash behind your ears...
samspade Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 This type of a guy strikes me as a person who has no clue to what he wants in a woman, because 18yo girl and a 35yo woman are as different as day and night. So basically he's just open to WHATEVER comes his way. You're shaming men for enjoying variety. I'm 33, and recently have dated a 23-year-old AND a 41-year-old, and I happen to know what qualities I enjoy in women. The fact is, at 33 I have found that I am at a more attractive stage in life than I was 8-10 years ago (due to my own mental and emotional growth). I have no compunction whatsoever about dating younger women, especially since when I was their age they were (surprise!) often dating older guys. While I don't often go hunting for anyone under 22, I won't rule someone out because of her age; I've met 21-year-olds who are more mature than some 30-year-olds. To the OP, I respect your preferences, but I think you should not be so preoccupied with it. A man open to dating much younger women is not lacking in some kind of personal integrity as you said. I suppose it's tricky because you're talking about an online form. Personally, I would not rule anyone out based on age alone.
lord alfred douglas Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 You're shaming men for enjoying variety. I'm 33, and recently have dated a 23-year-old AND a 41-year-old, and I happen to know what qualities I enjoy in women. The fact is, at 33 I have found that I am at a more attractive stage in life than I was 8-10 years ago (due to my own mental and emotional growth). I have no compunction whatsoever about dating younger women, especially since when I was their age they were (surprise!) often dating older guys. While I don't often go hunting for anyone under 22, I won't rule someone out because of her age; I've met 21-year-olds who are more mature than some 30-year-olds. To the OP, I respect your preferences, but I think you should not be so preoccupied with it. A man open to dating much younger women is not lacking in some kind of personal integrity as you said. I suppose it's tricky because you're talking about an online form. Personally, I would not rule anyone out based on age alone.what you say sounds fair if dating was merely a light romance and not usually meant to be the prelude to a lasting relationship but in reality most people are searching for a lasting a relationship. and im not sure its fair to either yourself or to the person youre dating to have a significant age gap, because there are physical realities that have to be reconciled with eventually you will probably be on a very different biological clock with someone ten-fifteen years younger as opposed to someone close to your own age
BCCA Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Yes A woman in her 30's usually expects you to have your fiscal house in order, to take care of yourself physically, never lets you drink to oblivion and interferes with your letting your mother take care of you and wash your clothes So who needs them Sure, its not like a lot of them have baggage from previous relationships, have bitter feelings towards men in general, expect you to marry them now, and hold out on sex or anything. They just expect you to be responsible, nothing more. Lets get serious, the older people get, the more jaded they are toward the opposite sex, especially if theyve had their fair share or relationships blow up in their face. From a guys perspective, women seem to be more jaded the older they get. Most of the guys I talk to that want to date younger women are mostly concerned with the baggage and sexual activity. Men are guilty of this as well, im sure, i just havent dated any Also women my own age know too much about life and have expectations Expectations are dangerous. You must only expect as much as youre willing to give, and its been my experience that most people dont understand that. Here is an example list from one mid-twenties girl in a psych class I had. This is what it takes to date her: 5'8” and tallerDark brown hair with brown eyes/blue eyesHandsomeMuscularWeight depending on height – not skinny, not fatGood sense of humorDimplesCute laughSensitive*Affectionate* in front of friendsGives me lots of attentionOutgoingPopular but doesn't know the whole stateFriends with my friendsNice smileStraight teethNo facial or body hair (except legs n under arms)Pierced ear(s) if anyNot too many tattoos if anyLikes to cuddleLikes to partyTakes me outGrabs my hand to holdKisses me unexpectedlyDresses nice (*ABERCROMBIE*) heheHas a good jobTells me he misses me when we're not togetherMakes me laughOpen mindedPoliteHolds doors for meOpens car doors*Romantic*Likes all type of musicLikes going to the moviesTalks to his friends about meLooks into my eyes when just laying there on the bedGives massages without me having to askPlays with my hairCalls me to just say hiTries not to argueApologizes for when he does wrongSays what he's feelingHas a carHas a dogHas a family that likes meCompliments meIs tanDoesn't curse all the timeWants to be with me as much as possibleComes over unexpectedlyWakes me up with a kissSame age or 3 years at the most older than me*Trustworthy*PatientLikes to shopHas good mannersDoesn't smokeOccasionally drinksAthleticIs on time for datesCalls back later when he says he willLives close to meWants to meet my familyTreats me like a princessHas a cute buttGood kissable lipsGood kisserGood memoryDoes special things for holidays/birthdays/anniversary/etcIntelligentHas directionCreativeLikes everything about meCommitted*My best friend*RespectfulMaturePersistent – Hard workingLikes walks on the beachLikes just staying home sometimesWrites me songs/poemsLikes to danceHas a sexy voiceCooks for meLikes to show me offCalls me or introduces me as his "girlfriend" not "Rachel"Likes to take picturesFlirts with me in public and in privatePuts up with my mood swingsComforts me when I'm sadDoesn't say “sorry” all the time when it's not neededSticks up for meLikes animalsSends me flowers for no reasonIgnores my imperfectionsSurprises me (good surprises)Doesn't ever yell at meLikes picnicsLikes to cleanFirst to say I Love YouListens to meSmells good*Doesn't lie*Likes kidsMakes me the center of his worldNot in trouble with the lawIsn't a goody-goodyDoesn't stare at other girlsDoesn't talk to other girls more than meDoodles our names on paperLikes to drawLeaves notes on my carLet's me go out with him and his friendsWill hang out with me and my friendsPuts pictures of me in his car and walletGets jealous but not too jealousDependableDoesn't hang up on meCalls me babe, sweetie, etcCalls me cute pet namesIsn't conceitedIsn't a penny-pincherLikes sports and going to sports eventsLikes to play board games/video games and lets me winDoesn't play mind gamesDoesn't just think about sexCares about world issuesDoesn't make me cryLeaves sweet voicemails/text messages on my phoneIsn't shyHas hopes, dreams, and wishesNot opinionatedWill watch chick flicks even if he doesn't like themCan spellSeriously...
Isolde Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 LOL... most of those aren't unreasonable (except "watches chick flicks with me," "calls me cute names," "wears Abercrombie," that teenage stuff), but if she's actually demanding all of those things, then yes, it is a wee bit picky.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Hello, I am wondering if a person's age preference in partners has any indication of the type of relationship one is looking for. In my case, I am a 27 year old woman who is intelligent, independent, and looking for a relationship based on friendship, intellectual compatibility, trust, respect, etc. Chemistry is certainly important, but only as an initial hook - as the rest of the qualities need to be there. I have been frequenting online dating sites in hopes of finding a life partner, but wonder if a man's age preferences in women say anything about him as a potential partner. For instance, I often find men who are about 30 years old, and their age preference in women is typically between 18-35 years old. To me, the idea of a 30 year old man being with an 18 year old woman is a bit of a turn-off to me. I understand that everyone has his or her own preferences, and I respect that. It's just that I personally don't want to consider a man as a potential partner if he still is into 18 year old women. I can't imagine a 30 year old man who is into an 18 year old woman really looking for anything more than sex.... and I'm looking for someone who really wants an intellectual connection with his partner. So whenever I encounter men's profiles like that, I automatically delete them without bothering to read the profiles. I also feel uninterested when I see a man's profile who prefers a partner younger than himself.... like if he is 30 and wants women 20-30. I'm like "well, he will date people 10 years younger than him, but not 2-3 years older? what's up with that?" It makes me assume that a guy like that needs to be older than his partner because he has some old patriarchal view of needing to be the man of the house. So I automatically delete those profiles as well. I realize that all this may sound picky, but is there really any truth to it? In the last 2 years, the 2 most awesome guys I have come across were both 27 whose partner preference was approximately women ages 24 - 34. I really had a good feeling about them, as they weren't looking to 'rob the cradle' with a young woman and the fact that they could handle being with someone a bit older showed that they probably were more mature themselves. The last guy and I had an amazing intellectual connection, as we were both looking to find our equals in a relationship. We unfortunately had some compatibility issues in other areas and only dated for a few months; but he was absolutely phenomenal and I still deeply miss him. I know there are evolutionary reasons why men are often drawn to younger women. I don't dispute that, so that's not the issue here. I am simply wondering if my assumption that a man looking for a woman of his own age will give me the type of relationship of equals that I am looking for. I recently had a 31 year old man express interest in me online (who seemed like a pretty cool guy), but when I saw his age preference was 18-35, I declined him as I wasn't willing to deal with that. I don't think it is about me being insecure of a guy liking 18 year old girls, I just feel like my ideal guy would be above that and not looking to date a child (in my eyes). I want someone with more personal integrity. I am not sure if I acted in haste here with the guy on the dating site, or if I am correct to trust my gut feeling about this. If anyone wonders about my age preference, I have listed men's ages of 24-31. Younger than 24 is too young I think for anyone wanting to be in a long-term relationship (there may be exceptions but I think this is generally the case). And if a man is much older than his 30s, I think he may be in a different phase in life than myself as I'm still in school (just starting my doctorate-level degree), and I want someone around my age to grow with me. Sorry for this long post. Any thoughts or insight would be very much appreciated. Age preferences tend to tell a whooooooooole lot more about the PAST than they do about the future. And a 30yo man who is interested in dating an 18yo woman ONLY looking for sex... would be a RELIEF!! (translation: the signs are usually far more troublesome) (interestingly enough there is nothing wrong with being the young lass with the older suitor - and that is where it gets complicated, because she is seldom capable of seeing through the bliss to fairly assess such an older guy) I approve of your detailed analysis of the ages of the men you encounter online. When doing such analysis beFORE you interact with them, you're not hurting anybody. IF, in contrast, you met some great guy at a coffee shop somewhere, hit it off conversationally, AND THEN balked at his age (either way), THEN you'd be doing something wrong. Keep on keeping on...
samspade Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 but in reality most people are searching for a lasting a relationship. and im not sure its fair to either yourself or to the person youre dating to have a significant age gap, because there are physical realities that have to be reconciled with eventually What's fair to myself and to the person I'm dating is not ruling her out based on age. Not everyone is necessarily looking for a "lasting" relationship; besides, how long a relationship lasts depends on a lot of variables besides age. you will probably be on a very different biological clock with someone ten-fifteen years younger as opposed to someone close to your own age I am not on a biological clock, unless you mean my race against death. Now, if I want to settle down I'm not going to chase a woman who is more interested in partying and staying single. I don't deny that there are more women like that in their 30s. But I'm not going to limit my options. I'd rather judge a woman on her own qualities than on her age. I don't begrudge anyone their attractions (within moral boundaries). I'd no sooner judge a cougar and her young plaything than I would a 30-something man and an 18-year-old girl.
Jaytb Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 *long list of expectations*You know, it's funny, she probably could find a guy with all of those qualities. But the relationship still has a good probability of failure. To OP: it's great that you're doing what you think is right. But I would hold off judging someone based upon one small little sentence. For instance, I might interpret it as being open to dating different people regardless of age, afterall, don't you think someone can be mature at 18? Maybe, maybe not. Probably dependent on the person. (not that I think a relationship between a 35 year old and an 18 year old is a good idea most of the time, she is afterall barely legal.) How about a less extreme case, like a 30 year old guy who's open to dating 22 year olds?
Isolde Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 I'm 22 and I can't see dating someone my age due to maturity issues (not that I'm that mature, but I am out of partying mode), looking to date someone in their mid or late twenties for sure. 30 is a bit old but I wouldn't rule it out.
Sam Spade Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 I can't explain it, but for some reason it is very important to me that the woman I'm dating is at least 2 years younger, or my age *at the most* (I'm 32). If I'm 40 and still unmarried (and still as hot ), this desired differential will probably increase to 3-7 years. I would not touch a woman below 25 with hazmat suit. I would not automatically dismiss a woman who is older than me, but she would need to be exceptional in some way to make me go "wow, i really don't care that she's 35+".
burning 4 revenge Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Im kind of scared of women my age because most of them have their sh*t together I cant help but feel that a lot of guys who date significantly younger are somehow frightened of women in their own age group,. Scared of somehow being judged and found wanting in some way Its hard for me to take a man who is 35 seriously as a human being if hes dating someone 21. Even if he loves that girl...and there are some great girls in that age group to be sure..shouldnt he care for her enough to know better and to want her to find love in a more appropriate place
Citizen Erased Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Im kind of scared of women my age because most of them have their sh*t together I cant help but feel that a lot of guys who date significantly younger are somehow frightened of women in their own age group,. Scared of somehow being judged and found wanting in some way Its hard for me to take a man who is 35 seriously as a human being if hes dating someone 21. Even if he loves that girl...and there are some great girls in that age group to be sure..shouldnt he care for her enough to know better and to want her to find love in a more appropriate place You're so noble. Such a shame... For the record, BCCA slap that woman that composed that list. It was too much, what a silly little thing.
Sam Spade Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Im kind of scared of women my age because most of them have their sh*t together I cant help but feel that a lot of guys who date significantly younger are somehow frightened of women in their own age group,. Scared of somehow being judged and found wanting in some way Its hard for me to take a man who is 35 seriously as a human being if hes dating someone 21. Even if he loves that girl...and there are some great girls in that age group to be sure..shouldnt he care for her enough to know better and to want her to find love in a more appropriate place I'm not scared of them, just don't want to deal with them . I feel so much more comfortable with a sweet, mellow, traditioinal girl . The jury is still out on whether I could love her, but I cannot imagine being with a "dynamic", "exciting" one instead. Maybe I'm controlling, or lazy, or both, but I don't want to deal with a complicated person . Also, as BCCA says, I'd expect 30+ woman to be somewhat more jaded/bitter/distant than her younger counterpart. If her prior relationships failed, there is a strong chance that it is either because somebody screwed her over royally, or because she has no idea what she wants - in either case, not so pleasant to deal with.
kdark Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 I'm 22 and I can't see dating someone my age due to maturity issues (not that I'm that mature, but I am out of partying mode), looking to date someone in their mid or late twenties for sure. 30 is a bit old but I wouldn't rule it out. But what about 22 year old males who are mature and aren't in party mode? As rare as we are, are we out of the running? Does the fact that he is your age automatically turn you off?
Isolde Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 But what about 22 year old males who are mature and aren't in party mode? As rare as we are, are we out of the running? Does the fact that he is your age automatically turn you off? Of course not.
burning 4 revenge Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 You're so noble. Such a shame... For the record, BCCA slap that woman that composed that list. It was too much, what a silly little thing.Well all that sounded good but Id gladly be hypocrite for you
samspade Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 I cant help but feel that a lot of guys who date significantly younger are somehow frightened of women in their own age group,. Scared of somehow being judged and found wanting in some way How about not attracted to them? It's a classic myth perpetuated by single mature women that men their age are "frightened" of them. It goes hand-in-hand with the b.s. idea that it's time for a guy to "man up" and get married. Men in their 30s have more options, generally speaking, than in they probably did in their 20s. Excuse them if they want to live a little. Its hard for me to take a man who is 35 seriously as a human being if hes dating someone 21. Even if he loves that girl...and there are some great girls in that age group to be sure..shouldnt he care for her enough to know better and to want her to find love in a more appropriate place Well, then, laugh all you want at the 35-year-old dating the 21-year-old. You think he cares? And what makes you the arbiter of propriety? There is nothing inappropriate about it.
Trialbyfire Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 LOL... most of those aren't unreasonable (except "watches chick flicks with me," "calls me cute names," "wears Abercrombie," that teenage stuff), but if she's actually demanding all of those things, then yes, it is a wee bit picky. Pffffttt....Abercrombie? Armani is much nicer!
Citizen Erased Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Well all that sounded good but Id gladly be hypocrite for you I may have to take you up on that. Pffffttt....Abercrombie? Armani is much nicer! Agreed.
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