trappedinLA Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I'm glad I found this forum and hoping to get some advice on what has become an untolerable situation. Please forgive me for what will be long.... I've been with my husband for 15 years, we have a 7 year old child. My husband has some deep emotional issues that I was not aware of the first few years of our relationship. But in a nutshell, he has abandoned me emotionally and I have tried to end this marriage on several occassions only to be reeled back in with I love yous, false promisesand hope. Yes, we've had counseling on and off for several years...counselors have thrown their hands up in the air with him as well. He is a great father and I care about this man...but I have sucked things up and bended and changed and sacrificed because I could see that if he wasn't going to make any effort (thou he does protest, I might add) and knew that *I* would be the one that needed to change--to my own detriment and well being and I am miserable. He is only capable of doing two things, going to his job, and playing with our daughter. He leaves for work at 8am and doesn't come home till way after our child has gone to bed. He has a high profile job, works on the wknds. No, he is not having an affair (I wish he would, quite honestly) On the homefront, he cannot manage his own bills, he cannot take care of the fixer upper home we own, and cannot even clean up after himself. When I told him I wouldn't kiss him anymore until he saw a dentist, he ignored it and would still try--- until I finally refused...and he just shrugged it off and never took care of it. When his HORRIBLE snoring became so bad that it was determined he had sleep apnea, he refused to follow doctors directions or do anything about it,like diet and lose a LOT of weight, he shrugged it off, until I told him to take care of it or sleep on the couch....sleeping on the couch turned into sleeping in the guest room, which he made his own room now going on 2 years. He has health probelms and won't take care of them. He treats our home like he is an adolescent teenager who won't clean up or do chores (umm, when you own your own home, it's not called chores, is it?) I asked for a divorce a while back in a calm and civil manner, and he freaked out telling me "how COULD I?" and that *I* could leave and HE would take the house and full custody of our child, and my 76 year old mother who gave us 60k to build and live in our guest house could stay (guess he needs a babysitter?) -- I was surprised at his reaction because I thought, How could he POSSIBLY be happy under these circumstances, how could he possibly think of full custody when he works round the clock, and can't we sort this out in a amicable manner. I would never fight him and would be fully happy with joint custody (which would be must more than he is doing now, truth be told) His reaction scared me, and here I am in the same situation a year later. My savings plus the 60k got us into this house -- he has done NOTHING to make our home what it is today. I realize this is California and that just doesn't matter at this point but it does to me. I've spoken to several people and they have advised me that since I am the main caretaker of our child, and I work part time, most likely he would be ordered to leave and i would stay in the house and care for our child till she turns 18. Does anybody have any experience with this? I thought i could stick this out for the sake of our child but I just don't know if I can do it anymore. This man is snarky, condescending and judgemental of everything and everybody around him --- yet he has NO friends and lives a solitary, isolated existence aside from his work and his child, and treating me like I'm his mother and he is an irresponsbile teenage boy... I can't stand being this way anymore. He is self righteous and indignant and thick as a brick. I have been VERY clear with him about what I need from him. I am an easy going, simple woman and I don't ask for much, except to be heard and respected and be treated kindly. I feel like I have been sucked dry of the person I used to be -- happy, successful, positive and ambitious. Things have hit rock bottom (again). I went to our counselor last week and she suggested a sit down, and called him directly to schedule something. I told him that it would be in his best interests to contact her so we can sit down and discuss this civilly. He hasn't gotten around to it yet (obviously his MO) and I just don't know what to do anymore. The only thing that has ever moved this man are drastic measures. I want a separation, but he has refused to leave in the past. I want to make the least disruption and impact in my daughters life...what makes the most sense is for him to contact the counselor so we can talk this out, or leave while we sort though this...he works long hours, my daughter is with me most of the time, what sense does it make for me to have to leave, I will of course have to take her with me and remove her from a home she loves. I just don't know what to do anymore. I believe he is just going to ignore me, not contact the counselor, and think this will just go on and on forever. I know this sound crazy - It IS! It is out of control....I need some serious advice on where I stand and how to be as fair as possible. I don't want ugly, but I can't live like this anymore.... I welcome any and all feedback...this is bad.
TrustInYourself Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Solution based actions based on results have to be applied consistently. Do you want things to change? What works? Apply what works, not because you are forced to, but because you understand that drastic actions create change for your husband. If your man requires constant consequences to realize the emotional toll of his inaction and procrastination, provide those consequences without letting them bother you. Your emotional mindset must be like water. Evaluate your actions and the impact they have on your life. This is a process that could take months. I would suggest that you continue on with your separation efforts, without focusing so much on your family, but rather on your needs. You need time and space? Create time and space, but with the intent to understand yourself more. You are after results. You do not have to plead or work for anything. Work for yourself. Build on yourself. Grow from this crisis. But, I am a major advocate for believing in your marriage. Have hope. Things can change, it's just a matter of your perspective and the actions/reactions which fuel your marriage dynamic. You have all the power in the world. Use it.
hopesndreams Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 No, he is not having an affair (I wish he would, quite honestly) Ummm..no you don't...honestly Ummm...the rest of your post makes you sound as though you hate him..is that true? Or am I reading that into this when it isn't present? I feel like I have been sucked dry of the person I used to be -- happy, successful, positive and ambitious. Lots of hatred here. This man is snarky, condescending and judgemental of everything and everybody around him --- yet he has NO friends and lives a solitary, isolated existence aside from his work and his child, and treating me like I'm his mother and he is an irresponsbile teenage boy. You say in your post you want to separate. So do it. As in NIKE...Just do it. My lord, if I was in the receiving end of this stuff I would be horrified. I don't know who to feel the most sorry for?
mendsley Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 There is nothing worse than the feeling of being trapt in a corner with no where to go, huh? It is a shame that your husband will not even make one bit of effort to work on the marriage. I mean what else are you suppossed to do? This type of person sounds like I did, to an extent. I was the type that no one could tell me what I need to do for myself to better myself, I knew what I thought all needed to know. I hate to say it, but the only way I changed my life and attitude was when my wife left with my children and never came back. After she had an affair and bounced it hit me like a ton of bricks and I was like "WAKE THE F UP!". From that day on I strive everyday to better myself, but the difference is I have the desire. I am NOT saying leave your husband, but rather I wanted to give you my experience on what the turning point for me was. Some people need trauma like that to step back and look at the problem and understand how to TRY to fix it. Maybe he needs to know that him and his problems are not for a family but, for someone who wants to be alone? Good luck MIKE
Gunny376 Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 The question isn't whether you should "drop tha' bomb" on him the questions are: How do you transition from being a full time SAHM with a part-time mom, pay the mortgage on the house which you've invested your life savings in (and your Mom has invested 60K in!) ~ while getting him out of the house? Find a full time job to support the three of you without any support from him? Being that you live in CA, I'm pretty sure you can get the house until the DC is 18 or more, get alimony, etc. You need to speak with an attorney in CA, I believe you've got a strong case. In the end you and he will have to split everything 50/50 but that would be another 11 years away. In the meantime (per CA law) you've got a pretty good argument for him to foot the bill for at least temporary alimony while you go back to school and re-train in a field that will allow you to support you and yours. Hint: Think the medical/educational field!
Author trappedinLA Posted March 24, 2009 Author Posted March 24, 2009 Thank you all for reading my post and the career advise ;-) I actually have a career and worked all of my life and went to part time after my child was born. I work part time to adjust to my daughters school schedule. Long term marriages in California are 50/50 no fault. I've been advised that it is likely if we are forced to take this to a judge, most likely I will get the house till my daughter turns 18. Honestly I don't care that much about this house but I want to make this the least disruptive to my daughter and her grandmother -- plus this is not the right time to try and sell it either, and won't benefit anyone financially right now. The trouble right now is getting him to understand the situation and I've told him if he can't agree to a civil trial separation, he needs to get some advise on his own and know where he stands and that if he won't agree to this a judge will make him and he'll be more than a few dollars short for it. Since he is so stubborn and in denial of the situation, I realize that I may need to be the one who has to pick up and leave in order to separate but when my husband works 18 hours a day, that means she goes where I go and has to leave the home that SHE loves... I really appreciate hearing from everyone especially Mike --getting that perspective, I know what you're saying.
Gunny376 Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 And I agree that you need to choose the path that is least disruptive to the day-to-day of your DD and DM! Its always the elderly and the young that suffer from all of this the most! I went the 180 and tried to bear as much of the anguish of divorce upon myself as I could for the sake of my children. I really ended up screwing myself BIG TIME for years and years. I'm just now getting back to where I was back in the day. Probally to such a point that I probally can never afford to get married again in the sense that if it were to go "south" I wouldn't have the time to recover? I mean a man can only go back to WalMart/Sears/the furniture store and keep buying the same stuff over and over ~ X amount of times? And yea! It took a "2x4" WHOOPS upside the head (divorce) for me to get a real clear pretty picture in my head! In the words of the Great Richard Pryor? "If you find a good woman and true love? Don't %^&K it up!!!"
Author trappedinLA Posted March 24, 2009 Author Posted March 24, 2009 No, he is not having an affair (I wish he would, quite honestly) Ummm..no you don't...honestly Ummm...the rest of your post makes you sound as though you hate him..is that true? Or am I reading that into this when it isn't present? I feel like I have been sucked dry of the person I used to be -- happy, successful, positive and ambitious. Lots of hatred here. This man is snarky, condescending and judgemental of everything and everybody around him --- yet he has NO friends and lives a solitary, isolated existence aside from his work and his child, and treating me like I'm his mother and he is an irresponsbile teenage boy. You say in your post you want to separate. So do it. As in NIKE...Just do it. My lord, if I was in the receiving end of this stuff I would be horrified. I don't know who to feel the most sorry for? No I do not hate him. I feel sorry for him. I've stayed this long because he has tried to make me feel guilty about splitting up our family.That, coupled with current economics has kept me here. He is the father of my child and will always be in my life due to that. I wish he would just admit that this isn't working and realize it would be to both of our benefits to figure out a way to make this as smooth a transition as possible and be supportive of both of us moving on and reclaiming happiness and healthy relationships. I thought we could live under the same roof parenting our child, while being responsible respectful adults and agreed to try and live that way with him.... but what I'm stuck with now is the equivalent to an irresponsible, deadbeat roommate who never grew out of being a 15 year who had mommy take care of everything for him. I didn't sign up to be his mommy. A separation for me is not that big of a stretch since I'm basically doing most of this on my own anyway. For him -- once it hit him, it will be a huge life changing experience, maybe one that ultimately will be good for him at this point.
imagine Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Hello Trappedinla, I think I am your step dad. Same problem with SIL. Good father, works long, some times abusive to step daughter (she can handle herself though). I do wish this guy would listen. His mom always treated him as the idiot son (he is dyslexic). I think he believes it. The question that I have to ask... does he neglect you? If this is true, consider the separation quite seriously. A wife does need support. Chat to a councilor who believes in marriage.
Author trappedinLA Posted March 24, 2009 Author Posted March 24, 2009 Imagine, Thank you for your kind response....I wish you were my step dad, you sound like a nice man! Lots of similarities, my MIL didn't treat him like an idiot, she just did everything for him and when there was any trouble or adversity,instead of dealing with the issue, she prayed to god to take care of it. A while back, she commented to me "I can't help but thinking that all of the problems you are having with him are my fault"..... I asked her what she meant, and her response was "because I DIDN'T PRAY ENOUGH".... Yep, I was stunned..... and then decided to never keep this line of discussion open with her again for obvious reasons and I am frustrated enough. Yes, he does neglect me. I work, run the household, pay the bills, make the plans, run the kid to all activities, etc etc. all of which he refuses to recognize or give me credit for -- believe it or not, HE tries to take credit for that stuff!! How crazy is that? He comes home and has his nose in his BB or on the phone (work doesn't stay at work) and barely communicates with me. I make my own plans on my birthday or christmas because I've been overlooked and disappointed too many times, while making sure that everyone elses holidays and birthdays are taken care of, even his family who live in another state. Yes, I'm sure a lot of women can relate to this. What it boils down to is that I feel like I am living alone without a partner. Anytime I bring up my unhappiness, my husband reacts with indignant contempt and insults and belittles me. That is how he reacted to me last night when I told him he had a few days to make a choice to call our MC for a sit down, or get some legal advice regarding trial separation and decide whether he wants the TS to work on our marriage or work on our divorce. His angry response "Separations only result in one thing". I wish he could get past the anger with me (if I could do it for him, I wonder what he has to be so angry with me about? I've been nothing but supportive and understanding with him, and giving him several chances to work on this which he never follows up on while getting the raw deal in return) and see how unproductive that is. Sorry for the griping... I just need to vent and it feels good to get it out.
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