CaliforniaGirl Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Who says they didn't know about a betrayal? Reread what you posted before I commented. I'm sure if there was cheating, and if the cheating was known to the other spouse (which I suspect it often is even if the BS doesn't come right out with it), that could make things much more tense in the household. If a BS knows it, I don't know...I think kids can pick up on it too. Just something I suspect from having been a youngster with a mom who cheated. She told me all about it (ughhhhhhhhhhh) but not my brother. She thought she was keeping it from him but he's let a few things slip here and there that tell me otherwise. Those two (my mom and my stepfather--my brother's father) did eventually split up, though. Oh, oops, the point I was making: nevertheless...I don't think that necessarily means the kids will be neglected, ignored, etc. and that following a divorce, they would then be paid attention to, be secure, happy, etc. My brother reacted HORRIBLY to the divorce. It put him into a depression and he became agoraphobic. (He was 13 at the time.) Hope all that sense....I'm typing very fast here.
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Please don't. I see these stories over and over. One partner is cheating, their marriage is dead, but they won't divorce because of their children. I grew up with a parent who cheated and know many others who have also. None of us would say our parents should have stayed together for our sakes. To grow up in a home like that is sad, lonely, cold, and loveless. It doesn't do anyone any good and can cause some major problems for the children when they grow up and try to establish healthy, happy relationships of their own. If you end the affair and want to make the marriage work, and put in the effort to make it work, that is one thing. To stay in a marriage though in which there is no chance of the marriage bieng repaired, is subjecting your kids to live through the long, painful death of their familly. It's better to just call it quits. Usually it's not the WS that stays for the kids, it's usually the male or female BS. I mean if BS could leave the marriage without paying child support, and or alimony, and or spousal support and getting physical and joint custody 50/50 and going through hell with their cheating wives then a betrayed spouse would move on easier. I mean if anything the betrayed spouse has more to loose than the cheating one, other than being embarassed, and broken self esteem, and PTSD, and a whole multitude of other problems.
pkn06002 Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Here is information about why staying for the children is actually a GOOD idea. http://www.utexas.edu/features/2006/divorce/index.html fifth paragraph. "Divorce seems to be the most traumatic on those children whose parents were not in a high-conflict marriage. The divorce catches them totally by surprise." Going by studies that I have seen if the marriage is a "low conflict" one it is better to figure out how to stay together until the kids are adults. Now "high conflict" (physical/verbal abuse, addictions, destructive behaviour) the kids are actually better if the marriage ends. Just do a google search for "low conflict" and "high conflict" marriages and you will find a lot of information.
Author angie2443 Posted March 24, 2009 Author Posted March 24, 2009 Going by studies that I have seen if the marriage is a "low conflict" one it is better to figure out how to stay together until the kids are adults. Now "high conflict" (physical/verbal abuse, addictions, destructive behaviour) the kids are actually better if the marriage ends. . The article, unless I missed something, did not touch on cronic infidality. Abuse comes in many forms, and the more subtle kinds can be worse than the more obvious kinds because no one validates them. Sometimes these kinds of abuse are not noticed untill at all untill it's to late. Neglect, passive-aggresive behavior and gas-lighting are all forms of abuse. When parents are abusive to each other in these ways, the kids can feel it. It is effecting them and changing who they are and how they view the world. You may think that you can hide these things, but when the envirement inside the home is cold, hateful, spiteful and there is no emotional connection between the parents, it does a lot of harm to the children. I'm guessing the envirement inside your home is very differant from the envirement in the homes of the couples at least care and respect each other. I believe the article was focusing on the couples who stayed together, and had respect for each other even though they fell out of love. Your situation is very, very differant.
pkn06002 Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 The article, unless I missed something, did not touch on cronic infidality. Abuse comes in many forms, and the more subtle kinds can be worse than the more obvious kinds because no one validates them. Sometimes these kinds of abuse are not noticed untill at all untill it's to late. Neglect, passive-aggresive behavior and gas-lighting are all forms of abuse. When parents are abusive to each other in these ways, the kids can feel it. It is effecting them and changing who they are and how they view the world. You may think that you can hide these things, but when the envirement inside the home is cold, hateful, spiteful and there is no emotional connection between the parents, it does a lot of harm to the children. I'm guessing the envirement inside your home is very differant from the envirement in the homes of the couples at least care and respect each other. I believe the article was focusing on the couples who stayed together, and had respect for each other even though they fell out of love. Your situation is very, very differant. Now you are trying to change the argument. You want to enter in cronic infidelity? That was not the premise of your original post. I will agree that cronic infidelity does cross more from a "low conflict" to a "high conflict" marriage. Because I very much doubt that couples keep it civil if cronic infidelity starts to happen. Studies have shown that kids are better off in that case with divorce. How do you know about the environment in my home??? You can have care and respect even after cheating. Sure the trust may not be there but more to a marriage that just that. Respect goes way past those lovey dovey feelings that some folks seem to feel need to be there. That article is just one example of the proof that staying together for the kids is BETTER (even after cheating) if the marriage is low conflict. Go do reading and you will see that. I have even had this conversation with our MC and guess what the studies she has seen say the same thing. Your premise the it is better for the parents to split even though they can still get along does not have any proof to back it up. Yes there will be problems but the effects of the divorce in a low conflict marriage are general considered of a higher magnitude. Even if the environment in the home is "cold, hateful, spiteful and there is no emotional connection between the parents". If the parents can be civil to each other the benefits out weigh the negatives. Sure we would all love to have the "perfect marriage" where there is love for all and it is shown all the time, with no infidelity. You find that perfect mate that you stay with for live and are happy with forever. Unless you can make the machine that Reggie suggests and go back in time you live with what you have. You make bad choices and live with them. See the definition of "high conflict" http://www.myflr.org/Article.asp?ID=37 Want to add Just because you are a bad spouse does not make you a bad parent. Two parents can work together to make a good child, even if as spouses they are unhappy.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 I don't get it.. So.. what about the people who don't cheat.. but are living together as 'best friends' ... I don't think the kids are suffering.. Still they need to assess the relationship and see if they can handle living without true happiness. But if there is no cheating going on, at least there may not be deep seeded animosity towards each other. Its when cheating happens that one or both parties start to get nasty with one another if the goal is only to stay for the kids and the marriage is essentially dead.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 I have to disagree with this.. A looooott of MM out there are cheating and the W.. absolutely have noooo idea.. Ya, and the MM is spending time away from the W. So you can't tell me the wives are ok with that. Even if they don't know, I'm sure the BS knows something isn't right. My MMs (the ones I'm seeing at this time) are exceptional dads.. Like hell they are. I wouldn't have considered myself a good father if i was to have cheated on their mother. Good fathers don't spend time away from their families so they f### other women.
pkn06002 Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Still they need to assess the relationship and see if they can handle living without true happiness. But if there is no cheating going on, at least there may not be deep seeded animosity towards each other. Its when cheating happens that one or both parties start to get nasty with one another if the goal is only to stay for the kids and the marriage is essentially dead. You make a good point Dexter that both parties have to be WILLING to be civil and have a marriage the although not perfect functions. If things get nasty it becomes a "high conflict" marriage and the kids are better off with it ending. Like hell they are. I wouldn't have considered myself a good father if i was to have cheated on their mother. Good fathers don't spend time away from their families so they f### other women. What if you did NOT take time away from the family to do those activities??? What if you just took work time, that was already taking time from your family?
Author angie2443 Posted March 24, 2009 Author Posted March 24, 2009 Still they need to assess the relationship and see if they can handle living without true happiness. But if there is no cheating going on, at least there may not be deep seeded animosity towards each other. Its when cheating happens that one or both parties start to get nasty with one another if the goal is only to stay for the kids and the marriage is essentially dead. I agree with this. If there is no lying, if the partners respect each other, are not bitter, and are open and honest with other, they might be able to make it work at least for a little while. I don't think I could handle it. I would become lonely and start looking for someone else and there is a good chance my husband would also.
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