EllieBean Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Hi everyone I need some advice on a relationship dilemma - should I marry him? Here's my story: I met this guy (let's call him Matt) through work. Matt was everything I ever wanted in a man: tall, handsome, charismatic, incredibly intelligent, and yet seemingly sweet and shy at heart. Our conversations lasted forever and the chemistry between us was electric, and he had a promising career and no significant baggage. I fell in love with him immediately, and by our third date I was already planning to spend the rest of my life with him; if he’d asked me to marry him in the crowded nightclub that evening my answer would have been an unequivocal Yes. I felt like the luckiest woman on the face of the earth because I had finally met my dream man, and I’m telling the truth when I say I wouldn’t even have swapped him for Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp. The fact that Matt and I lived quite some distance apart didn’t even enter into it; I loved him and I felt that a year or two of long distance love was nothing compared to having the rest of our lives to spend together. Unfortunately Matt became increasingly distant as our relationship progressed and made excuses not to talk to me, and eventually I found out that he was dating someone else. At this point he apologised, and he said that I was exactly what he was looking for in a woman but he couldn’t see how it could work out because of the distance and because neither of us was free to move to be with the other. He said that he had agonised over the situation for weeks, and he wanted me in his life so badly but he couldn’t see a way that could ever happen, so he started dating someone else but still couldn’t face letting go of me. Finally he said that he didn’t want to continue to drag the situation out because it was killing him and it was clearly hurting me too, and he felt that his only option was to end our relationship because no matter how much he loved me it just wasn’t possible for us to be together. This rejection tipped me into a deep dark depression: Mr Perfect, the man I had waited for all my life, had just told me that he didn’t want me, and I didn’t hold out much hope of ever meeting someone else who was as wonderful as him. I didn’t understand how he could let go of me if he thought I was so perfect, because even if our relationship was difficult I would never have been able to let go of him, and I felt worthless and miserable. Fast forward to the present, and I am currently dating a man whom we will call Rob. Rob is reasonably tall and handsome, quite bright although he didn’t receive a great deal of formal education, and his career in banking, while not glittering, is at least stable and moderately rewarding. He is older than me, and he has baggage which includes two ex-wives and three children whom he visits once a fortnight. He is, however, the sweetest and kindest man you could ever hope to meet, a romantic soul who writes songs and dreams of ditching his day job to be a musician. Our sex life, albeit not electric, is still good, and our day-to-day life is comfortable and we get along well. We are best friends and this defines our relationship more than any sexual intimacy; we support each other and generally enjoy being together. I know of several other women who fancy Rob and who tell me how lucky I am to be dating him, and I can see their point – as well as being quite handsome he is also a genuinely nice person, and he would be a wonderful husband and an ideal father for my future children. I’ve dated enough idiots to know that Rob is one of the “good ones”, and while he married in haste and wasn’t suited to his ex-wives at all, he and I fit together perfectly and everyone says that out of all the couples they know Rob and I have the best chance of making a long term relationship work. Rob also seems to think that our relationship would work, because he’s asked me to marry him. Given that we fit together so well, I have no idea why, when Rob proposed, an image of Matt sneaked into my mind and I felt a pang of regret. I can see that Rob is handsome and kind, and I know he would be a good husband and father, so why did I tell him that I need time to consider his proposal? If I had never met Matt I would have been satisfied with Rob, I would have thought he was the most attractive and intelligent man I had ever dated… but as it is I can’t help but compare him to Matt and see him as second best, particularly given his age and his baggage. Don’t get me wrong however; I love Rob very much, he’s my best friend and the first person I turn to whenever I have a problem or good news. While I still think of Matt as perfect, another part of me knows that he was not as kind and selfless as Rob, and though the admission pains me I have to say that Matt was probably not as deeply in love with me either. Rob would cross oceans for me and would wait forever if he had to, whereas Matt bailed on me because things were a little tough, so Rob clearly wins out in terms of prioritising my happiness and making every effort for me. I also know that because Matt was so absorbed with his career he might not have made the best husband, and the childcare and domestic chores would always have been my responsibility, whereas Rob would be an excellent husband in terms of taking care of me and helping me to raise a family. Rob is very committed and spends a lot of time with me, doing things like going for walks and cooking dinner and reading to me, whereas Matt liked to spend his free time watching football and drinking with his buddies. There’s no drama in my relationship with Rob, he’s very stable and loving and I know exactly where I stand, whereas my relationship with Matt was the constant drama of “Does-he-want-me-or-not?” I can see all of this, so why do I still have this unshakeable feeling that I’m “settling” for Rob because I can’t have Matt? I think of Matt as “young, handsome, unattached, good prospects”, whereas in darker moments my thoughts about Rob tend towards “older, less tall and handsome than Matt, twice divorced with baggage, going nowhere fast in his career”. I KNOW all of the stuff I just explained about Rob being my best friend, loving me more and being better husband-father material, so why does my mind insist on seeing Matt as the better catch and Rob as second best? I’m confused about what to do – I love Rob and I don’t want to lose him, I’m past the age where I want to date different men and I’m happy with Rob, but I can’t help feeling like I’m “settling” for him. I’m at the point in my life where I want to settle down and have a family, and Rob is the ideal man to do that with, but he’s not the man who made my heart beat faster and my breath catch in my throat. I don’t have enough child-bearing years left to continue dating random men in the search for another Matt, who perhaps doesn’t exist, and who I probably wouldn’t be happy with anyway given that he might not make a very good husband and father. Maybe I’m prioritising romance and excitement over real love and stability, and maybe that’s the wrong approach if you’re looking for a lasting relationship? Either way, I don’t know what to do and I have to decide pretty soon. Should I marry Rob? [FONT="] [/FONT]
2sure Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Well. You certainly do have something to think about. How long were you in a relationship with Matt before it went long distance? I wont belabor the point, because I get the sense that you undertand it but....Matt did not break up with you because the distance was difficult. He broke up with you because he did not want to pursue the relationship. For whatever reason. So, your dealing with that unrequited love thing here...which is kind of a fanciful thing for Rob to "compete" with. Next, its pretty clear from your description of Rob that you are comparing him and the relationship with what you felt for Matt. Ouch. But real. So, it seems Matt is long gone and you acknowledge that. But the picture you painted in your head of you and Matt is still there and making you feel like you are "settling" for Rob. Thing is....you and Matt never lived up to the picture you had in your head - the relationship didnt get that far... So, although no one should go into a marriage feeling like they are settling OR feeling settled for... It sounds like you may be holding your relationship with Rob up to one that never really existed..... Reality cannot beat fantasy
Author EllieBean Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 Thanks for your reply Matt and I were always long distance; we met through a conference at work and we just hit it off. He never broke up with me properly, he just left me hanging and his communication became less and less frequent - he kept saying he was busy with work and that was why he was only contacting me once a week. He later apologised for his behaviour and said he should just have been honest and broken it off with me; he also said he would have made it up to me but he "doesn't do long distance", and "it's such a shame because we could have been really great together if not for the distance". This left me feeling like we were perfect for each other and we only broke up because of the distance, and if not for the distance we would have been together forever. This affects my relationship with Rob because I never fell out of love with Matt; everything was perfect until the point at which he just cut me off for no apparent reason, and you're right when you say that reality cannot compete with fantasy. Perhaps you're right 2sure; perhaps Matt did have another reason for breaking it off, but he was too much of a coward to tell me the truth so he blamed it on the distance. I realise that I'm comparing Rob with a picture of Matt that I painted in my head, a picture that was never real, and I guess nobody could ever live up to that. As I said, if I'm truly honest with myself I can see that perhaps Matt wouldn't have been an ideal partner anyway, but this doesn't stop me romanticising him and comparing Rob to this made-up image. I need to acknowledge that while Rob isn't perfect, neither was Matt, and Matt's perfection is a dream that I made up in my head which he never lived up to in reality. The question in my mind is this: even if my relationship with Matt wasn't the real thing, I still have this image in my mind of my ideal man - I thought Matt was him, but even if he wasn't, perhaps Mr Perfect is still out there somewhere? Rob doesn't quite live up to my image of Mr Perfect either, but perhaps nobody ever will, and I could spend forever looking for this non-existent dream man and end up on my own (I'm in my 30s and can't continue looking forever). Rob is kind and decent and he loves me, and he's my best friend and I love him, although I admit that I have a problem with his baggage - my view of Rob as second best is partly based on the fact that he has all this baggage that Matt didn't have. Now that Rob has asked me to marry him, I'm assessing whether I want to give up my dream of ever finding my ideal man and just settle for Rob - which brings us back to square one, because fantasy is always better than reality and my dream man may not even exist. So I suppose the question is whether I should settle for a real, non-perfect but wonderful guy who has real-world issues and baggage, or keep chasing a dream that may never materialise?
oceangrl Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 my view of Rob as second best is partly based on the fact that he has all this baggage that Matt didn't have I need to acknowledge that while Rob isn't perfect, neither was Matt So I suppose the question is whether I should settle for a real, non-perfect You said it yourself....neither are perfect. Don't let his past influence you...as long as the present is meeting up to your standards. No matter what relationship you're in, there will always be imperfections. But if you truly love the guy, they shouldn't matter. If you leave Rob and find another guy....there will still be imperfections. The only difference is that those imperfections will come with a different face and in a different environment. But maybe you'll love that person enough to overlook those imperfections. So maybe the question should be: Do I love Rob enough to overlook his flaws?
2sure Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Elliebean - Ive been married three times. I know, I know. But do yourself a favor and use my hindsight. Everyone has flaws. Sure, some can be overlooked. But for marriage - you better LOVE the flaws as much as the good qualities because only together do they make up the whole person. Besides - flaws get magnified under stress which all marriages deal with. Who doesnt have baggage? A dysfunctional family, previous marriages, teenagers with angst, credit card debt, bankruptcy, an addiction, a cat... you have to be practical & honest with yourself and ask yourself what type of baggage is not that big of a deal to you. Cuz its there. Its possible your ideal mate does exist and its not Rob. Its also possible your idea of an ideal mate will change with your life. Its possible you are one of those people who will always wonder "if the grass greener"....don't give me one of those. Finally - a HUGE part of marriage is truly being completely transparent and emotionally honest with another human being. Thats the point right? You have to talk to Rob about your doubts, your ideal mate thing... If you dont - whether you verbalize it or not - he will end up feeling settled for. Thats bad. If you cannot talk to him about this - you are not yet able to be transparent & emotionally honest...and should not marry.
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