ronaj Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I am looking for some objective advice so any advice anyone can give me would be much appreciated I am 21, in my final year of university and have recently broken up with my boyfriend who I was with for three years. Last year I spent the year abroad but we still managed to stay together because we really did and do love each other. Anyway, for a long time now we have been having small and silly arguments because I don’t think he makes enough effort. As much as I love him I am tired of trying and he is tired of us having these ‘crisis talks.’ For a long time now it feels as though we have been going round in circle, have a few disagreements, have a discussion whether we should break up or stay together, decide to stay together, things are great for a few weeks then back to having a disagreement. Every time we decide to make ‘one last go’ and discuss what improvements to make. Anyway, to cut a long story short this weekend we were again having the same talk and he said I think we should break up and I agreed. This was over the phone. This was yesterday. Deep down I know realistically things are never going to change. As much as I love him and he loves me I know we cannot keep trying to change each other. In addition, after three years I cannot say that he is right for me long term. I think we have both known for a long time that this relationship has no future. As much as I want to be with him now I know it cannot work long term. I am tired of trying; I am tired of trying to make it work. I keep thinking this is a mistake. Right now I feel so sad. The thought of not being with him intimately kills me and the thought of him or me ever being with someone else just makes me feel sick. I want to be with him but I know the right decision is to break up. If it’s not now it will be at some point in the future. We have spoken last night and today and we both feel the same. We are both sad and scared and just want to be together. As we both get on so well we really want to stay friends and are trying to do the whole friend thing. I think we want to be together because that would be the easier option. We have decided to stay friends and keep in contact and are planning on meeting up in a few weeks.. He is my first love and this is my first break up and I just really don’t know what to do and cannot imagine ever getting over it. I have no appetite and I am struggling to concentrate on work. I just don’t know how to get over him because I don’t want to. For so long now I have been wanting more from him and I guess knowing he loved me just wasn’t enough.
EllieBean Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 If you both want to be together, then be together. If you genuinely think that you should part, then break up. Nobody else can tell you what's right for your relationship or whether or not you truly love each other and should be together. If he wants to be with you: does he want to be with you enough that he's prepared to make more of an effort? What are you prepared to do in order to keep him? (it goes both ways) Personally I wonder if you're perhaps making a mountain out of a molehill - from what you've said the guy isn't violent, doesn't cheat or lie, and is probably quite a nice guy, so what is it that's bothering you so much that you're prepared to dump him? Does he not tell you he loves you or bring you flowers often enough? Why do you think it won't work out long term? Is it really that big of a deal that you're prepared to break up over it? Or are you being overly demanding? All relationships get into a bit of a rut after a while; it isn't all hearts and flowers forever, and if your relationship settles into a steady partnership where you're just bobbing along together that can actually be quite nice. You can spice things up if necessary without having to throw the whole thing away and start again with someone else, because guess what? After a while your relationship with someone else will settle into the same steady bobbing along and you'll be back to square one. Sorry if I'm getting the wrong end of the stick here; perhaps he really isn't making enough effort. Then again, perhaps you're nagging him and expecting too much; only you know the answer. What I will say is this: if you truly love him don't let him go, because people you can be genuinely happy with are few and far between.
loveslife Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 It's really hard to comment on your situation since you didn't give many details other than saying he doesn't make enough of an effort. I'm a few decades older than you and I have come to see what matters to me and what doesn't matter. What matters? The guy is good, kind, smart, loving, we click well and he is committed to me. What doesn't matter? Everything else. That's just me though.
allieapplesauce Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 ronaj....i sorta know how you feel. i'll give you my pov. i'm 26 and like 6 mo is my longest rs and never really serious, but in my experience i felt the same way you have described. at first, i was so upset and restless, i couldnt eat or sleep, i couldnt imagine being with anyone else or not being with him like you said. i just thought of all the things i missed. i couldn't do anything but want to talk about it and obsess over the details. they made me feel worthless. they lied. friends said, you don't see it now but you will. now you are sad and miss him, soon you'll just hate him, and then after that, you'll start to be ok adn move on. one girl said, it hurts now and seems like it'll never come but you'll suddenly be just fine. seriously, they were right! moving on helps too. you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find the prince. i always tell myself after it stops working out that there is someone better out there, and each time i meet a guy he is better than the last. and that gives me hope. (i hope thats the case for you). and if you feel its not long term, better to move on so as not to pass up the possibility to meet that special someone. you're 21, you have time. it sucks going through this, but i try to tell myself, unfortunately, i've learned, it's part of life, and everyone goes through it. you just kind of have to tough it out, distract yourself, talk it out with friends (or on here) and as time goes by you'll finally see it'll not be so bad. hope it works out for the best for you!
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