I feel insane about having feeling for my bf's bestfriend

[Anaa]

I don't know how should I start. I have been with my boyfriend for a year. And a year ago my boyfriend introduced me his best friend. I feel insane about having feeling for his boyfriend's best friend. let me call him Tom. It is so insane that I had a crush on Tom at the first sight. We can really get along and our personalities are really click. But I get along well with my boyfriend too, we indeed have great time together and I know my boyfriend is definately the life partner that I am looking for. I never have a thought to be with Tom and break up with my boyfriend, never. But the thing is I will keep thinking of Tom, I couldn't help myself. Honestly, I don't have any jealousy on Tom's new girlfriends at all, and I never have any sexual fantasies with Tom blah blah blah. but I look forward to meet him, (all the time are with a few friends, including my boyfriend), when I look him into eyes I felt uneasy, at the same time, I felt delighted. Sometimes I like to imagine how he feels about me, but I don't want to conclude on any of my suggestion of feeling that he might have in me. Now the thing is, I am confused if I really have feeling in Tom? Do you have the same experience as mine? How can i stop thinking of Tom and to love my boyfriend more? I do treasure my relationship with my boyfriend a lot, so I feel annoyed and irritated about having feeling for his bestfriend. Please help.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I do not have any answers for you but I am wondering how you would feel if your boyfriend had feelings and a crush over one of your girlfriends? I bet you would feel deeply hurt.

[imagine]

You will release clues about "Tom" just talking to him. Tell your boyfriend in such a way that he can make allowances. Do not be shocked if he does not take you seriously. Avoid prolonged contact.

 

You probably love his best friend for the same reasons b/f does. "Tom" may be pleased to respond well to his b/f's girl.

 

As with all fleeting contact associations a romantic element can very easily escalate. Beware, the result is NOT fruitful.

[carhill]

OP, could you help me clarify the following:

 

You apparently were affected by Tom at first meeting him and say you have a crush, yet you have no jealousy of women he pursues nor have any sexual feelings for him. Can you reconcile that? The essential component of a crush is a sexual/romantic fantasy and/or desire/attraction. You say you have none of the typical "symptoms".

 

Tell me, do you feel more "unsettled" when away from him than when you are together?

 

How well do you know Tom? Do you share similar interests, etc?

 

Do others notice the dynamic between yourself and Tom?

 

How old are you?

[Anaa]

OP, could you help me clarify the following:

 

You apparently were affected by Tom at first meeting him and say you have a crush, yet you have no jealousy of women he pursues nor have any sexual feelings for him. Can you reconcile that? The essential component of a crush is a sexual/romantic fantasy and/or desire/attraction. You say you have none of the typical "symptoms".

 

Tell me, do you feel more "unsettled" when away from him than when you are together?

 

How well do you know Tom? Do you share similar interests, etc?

 

Do others notice the dynamic between yourself and Tom?

 

How old are you?

hmm.. i dunno how to say but i really don't jealous nor fantasize as I guess I should, but surely i know I enjoy having his attentions. I don't feel unsettled when away from him, just I will think of him here and there sometimes. frankly I don't know Tom much, but he's the master in something that i am interested. Tom likes to tease me much but i guess he might always did the same thing to all the female friends, so I don't think anyone notice the dynama btw us, anyway Tom might not have the same feeling for me so I don't think anyone can notice it.

[Anaa]

I know that's the reason i hope to resolve it asap...

[carhill]

Examine "admiration", in that dynamic of admiring Tom for being a "master" at a certain discipline or craft.

 

Based on my experiences, I don't think what you have is a crush. Nor, at this point anyway, do I think it is a "non-romantic soulmate" connection.

 

Talk to your boyfriend about his history together with Tom and what he admires in him and their friendship. Perhaps, through familiarity, you can find reconciliation of your feelings and thoughts.

 

IME, and I've had more than a couple of such experiences, feelings for a "crush" are strongest in their presence, and come and go otherwise, at lesser intensity. Feelings for a non-romantic soulmate are always there. Over time, one takes their presence in the "room" for granted and learns to deal with that reality. It's similar to feelings for a life partner but without the sexual component.

 

Have a talk with your boyfriend (you should be able to talk to him about this stuff) and get back to us.

[imagine]

So Anaa,

 

What are you going to do, besides venting?