sockpuppet Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 My ex and I started hanging out occasionally after breaking up 2 years ago. One of the last times we hung out (she lives 5 hours away by the way), I admitted I still had some feelings. She said she just wanted to be friends. Since then she's invited me back out multiple times, to see her new place blah blah blah. I get out there, she invites me to sleep in her bed though nothing happens. She acts distant at times. I finally confronted her and asked her if she was worried about me getting the wrong idea by inviting me out knowing I still had feelings for her, and she said no she wasn't, that she just wanted to be friends. I know there's no future here- I'm not debating that. What I want to know, is it normal for an ex to invite the other out when they know they have feelings? I drove 5 hours just to hang out with her for a weekend. Slept in her bed. I think it seems only natural to think she's interested on some level.
samspade Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 She's playing with you. You're giving her emotional satisfaction and an ego boost. Quit playing her games. If you still have feelings, you shouldn't be driving even five minutes to hang out with her. Right now, you are essentially her girlfriend.
BCCA Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 She's playing with you. You're giving her emotional satisfaction and an ego boost. Quit playing her games. If you still have feelings, you shouldn't be driving even five minutes to hang out with her. Right now, you are essentially her girlfriend. This is sadly the truth. She is only using the 'you can sleep in my bed' bit to keep you going along with it. If she said you could come over and sleep on the couch, we're just friends, please dont touch me, etc...you would never go see her. I think it seems only natural to think she's interested on some level Oh she is interested...in being friends. If it were more, there would have been something going on in that bed, believe me. She knows the quickest way back to your good graces is a roll in the hay, women know how we operate. She's giving you breadcrumbs to keep you on the hook. Shes not interested in reconciliation, as shes done nothing to move in that direction. Before you drive out there again, wiegh things out a bit. What are you getting for making this 5 hour effort? What is she getting for making next to no effort? Stop the insanity, this is a lose-lose for you, unless you just want a friend.
Author sockpuppet Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 You're both right. I'm just totally blown away that someone (who once cared about you) could be so selfish and unfeeling.
BCCA Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 You're both right. I'm just totally blown away that someone (who once cared about you) could be so selfish and unfeeling. You have to understand the context. For her, THIS is what she wanted. She wanted to end the relationship, she didnt feel like you were the one, she didnt want to worry about your wants and needs anymore. From her shoes, this makes so much sense its a wonder you dont feel exactly the same way. In fact, in a perfect world (for her), you would totally agree, and you guys could just go off as friends, without any bad feelings, anger, guilt, etc. Of course, realistically, its a pipe dream. But what shes hoping to do is drag things out long enough that you just kind of 'fall' into where she wants you to. She can keep inviting you over as a buddy, and maybe when you meet someone else, youll be totally fine with the situation. Maybe with enough of this crap, you'll be able to see the writing on the wall yourself, because she sure isnt going to take on any more guilt by admitting that this obviously sucks badly for you, and is all about her getting her way. No, no, no...she wants to believe that this is just dandy for everyone. It is selfish, but its been my experience that most women operate under the 'reasonable deniability' method. Under it, as long as they can reasonably deny that there sole reason for doing this to you was selfish, they can deny any responsibility for how you feel. This goes hand in hand with the pipe dream I mentioned above. As long as she can tell herself that she thought you would enjoy driving 5 hours and sleeping next to her, only to be reminded that youre still dumped and wasted 10 hour of driving, shes done no wrong. Dont bother with her anymore. Chances are, if you ignore just a couple calls, you wont hear from her ever again.
Author sockpuppet Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 You have to understand the context. For her, THIS is what she wanted. She wanted to end the relationship, she didnt feel like you were the one, she didnt want to worry about your wants and needs anymore. From her shoes, this makes so much sense its a wonder you dont feel exactly the same way. In fact, in a perfect world (for her), you would totally agree, and you guys could just go off as friends, without any bad feelings, anger, guilt, etc. Of course, realistically, its a pipe dream. But what shes hoping to do is drag things out long enough that you just kind of 'fall' into where she wants you to. She can keep inviting you over as a buddy, and maybe when you meet someone else, youll be totally fine with the situation. Maybe with enough of this crap, you'll be able to see the writing on the wall yourself, because she sure isnt going to take on any more guilt by admitting that this obviously sucks badly for you, and is all about her getting her way. No, no, no...she wants to believe that this is just dandy for everyone. It is selfish, but its been my experience that most women operate under the 'reasonable deniability' method. Under it, as long as they can reasonably deny that there sole reason for doing this to you was selfish, they can deny any responsibility for how you feel. This goes hand in hand with the pipe dream I mentioned above. As long as she can tell herself that she thought you would enjoy driving 5 hours and sleeping next to her, only to be reminded that youre still dumped and wasted 10 hour of driving, shes done no wrong. Dont bother with her anymore. Chances are, if you ignore just a couple calls, you wont hear from her ever again. Makes perfect sense, sad as it is. She and I have been going back and forth today via email, me acknowledging I set myself up for this by accepting her invites but feeling the invite was selfish in itself, and her feeling like I was stupid to ever take it the wrong way to begin with. At this point I'm just using it to blow off steam I think.
BCCA Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Makes perfect sense, sad as it is. She and I have been going back and forth today via email, me acknowledging I set myself up for this by accepting her invites but feeling the invite was selfish in itself, and her feeling like I was stupid to ever take it the wrong way to begin with. At this point I'm just using it to blow off steam I think. About what I would expect, actually. Like I said, she surely isnt going to take on extra guilt by going along with the notion that you were misled. And it is kind of both of your faults. As sad as it might be, you really do have to ask 'now why are you inviting me over?', and not assume anything. Read over the forums, we've all had these situations come up, and it looks pretty obvious to us, but like I said - reasonable deniability will get you every time if you dont clarify. Stop responding. Youre validating her points if you dont. Its not even worth talking about, she was selfish and you dont need it. Nothing to debate, and youre not going to convince her she was selfish.
Author sockpuppet Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 About what I would expect, actually. Like I said, she surely isnt going to take on extra guilt by going along with the notion that you were misled. And it is kind of both of your faults. As sad as it might be, you really do have to ask 'now why are you inviting me over?', and not assume anything. Read over the forums, we've all had these situations come up, and it looks pretty obvious to us, but like I said - reasonable deniability will get you every time if you dont clarify. Stop responding. Youre validating her points if you dont. Its not even worth talking about, she was selfish and you dont need it. Nothing to debate, and youre not going to convince her she was selfish. I did take responsibility for not questioning her intentions BEFORE going and I knew that I asked for whatever I got once I got there, but I still wanted to assert that her inviting me to begin with was insensitive, though like you said she'll never admit that. I'm done talking to her, thank you for the advice.
BCCA Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I did take responsibility for not questioning her intentions BEFORE going and I knew that I asked for whatever I got once I got there, but I still wanted to assert that her inviting me to begin with was insensitive, though like you said she'll never admit that. I'm done talking to her, thank you for the advice. Like I said, youre asking her to take the blame for something that was obviously selfish, and would add guilt onto her life. Shes not going to do that. You'll find that most people wont. Be done for good. Do yourself a favor, forgive her for the situation, forgive yourself for your part in it, and move on. Harboring bad feelings helps no one, and wont get you anywhere.
Author sockpuppet Posted March 24, 2009 Author Posted March 24, 2009 Like I said, youre asking her to take the blame for something that was obviously selfish, and would add guilt onto her life. Shes not going to do that. You'll find that most people wont. Be done for good. Do yourself a favor, forgive her for the situation, forgive yourself for your part in it, and move on. Harboring bad feelings helps no one, and wont get you anywhere. Ok...well within a matter of hours of being enraged/hurt/etc.. I'm left thinking, "WTF did I care so much about?" and, like a moron for making such a big deal out of it to her. Yes, it's weird she invited me out there, and who knows what it means but man I got SO caught up, and I'm blown away by the fact that I don't even know what had me going so much, and it's only been a few hours. I'm not normally prone to mood swings, this is new to me. I really don't feel like I care how she feels for me or what her intentions were- just like I didn't care before I drove out. Anyone have any experience with this kind of thing?
tc1968 Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Yeah that is odd and not normal. I would say that she is interested. Woman do not invite there exes sleep in there bed unless there is an attraction there.
Princess07 Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 It's always just friends when people start talking about their ex's but yea she is taking you on a ride and you are first in line. Good Luck!
Author sockpuppet Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 Yeah that is odd and not normal. I would say that she is interested. Woman do not invite there exes sleep in there bed unless there is an attraction there. I agree with everyone who says she's taking me for a ride. I do regret doing the following in this situation: - Not establishing what MY expectations and assumptions were going up there, then discussing it with her to avoid a misunderstanding. - Getting emotional when things didn't go my way and trying the talking route with her, which has never worked in the past (she doesn't open up very well). - Lashing out at her when I got back, and making it seem like I'm still head over heels for her (which I'm not). I know that she obviously still has an effect on me, and that I would not have driven out there unless I still had some interest past a totally platonic relationship- HOWEVER, I don't know what I actually wanted either. Under the best of circumstances, I would have wanted to take things slow and kinda be "friends" first as well. I have a history of this with her, and it's something I thought I conquered a while ago. I reach out to her, lose confidence, and when she doesn't respond the way I hoped she would, I lash out, then feel like an idiot for doing so, and apologize. I haven't apologized this time and I don't plan to, but it annoys me still. I think SOMETHING more than a desire for a totally platonic relationship inspired her to invite me not one but 5-6 times (basically every time we talked). Maybe she misses the idea of me, then when she sees how badly I handle not getting my way, she remembers why it didn't work, who knows. She's probably looking for a guy who doesn't seem so emotionally fragile, who she doesn't have to feel responsible for. Even though her actions were obviously shady, I definitely feel like I dropped the ball by letting it get to me. Of course, maybe she really JUST wants to be friends. I doubt that though. She's done this before. Immediately after we broke up way back, when we were considering making another go, she was going to move out to my place for an internship. She acted like my girlfriend and slept with me when she was visiting, and we talked of dating again and joked about how she'd never be sleeping on the couch. Later, she said that her plans to live with me (which would've likely ended horribly) were based on the assumption we'd be living together as FRIENDS. WTF? It's comical. It's also sad that she's that bad at expressing how she really feels. I don't hold that against her though. She admitted much later on that she knew it wouldn't be just as friends, but she had to say that to set her own boundaries. Situation doesn't seem entirely different now, as she's saying she wants to be friends while doing something that indicates otherwise. Anyways- I'm continually amazed and curious about what's going through her head, and while I'm not putting myself out there anymore, I still can't help but wonder. Also- she did invite me to sleep in her bed but then we slept back to back on a tiny twin. Maybe that was my time to try for something more, like spooning or something. Who knows. Twins aren't made for sleeping that way, that's for sure.
Author sockpuppet Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 I feel like such an idiot for ever thinking she was really interested...maybe she was right to think I should have been over everything 2 years after our break up.
kizik Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Man, don't feel like an idiot. As I tell people all the time, all you ever did was love her, and want to be with her. Do you understand? There is nothing wrong with that. You're a good guy. You're learning how to get off her puppet string, and it's hard. Keep your head up. Keep writing on here.
Author sockpuppet Posted March 28, 2009 Author Posted March 28, 2009 I made the mistake (or not, who knows) of contacting her again. Basically just wanted to take responsibility for my part of it, and apologize for blaming her. Yes, I still have no idea why she invited me out all those times right after I told her I liked her (she said because I'd agreed to be friends). Over the course of the conversation I said friends would not work for me, I don't feel like being in the position of always wanting more. She said that she couldn't see us dating in the future so that might be best. It felt like our break up all over again. Even though I thought I was over this girl before, I obviously wasn't really. All this time I've still held onto the idea that she was "the one" and been setting myself up for heartbreak down the road. Sucks. I stumbled over an old email from our breakup from way back (which is now deleted) in which the roles were completely reversed. SHE was the one saying that she loved me and would wait as long as necessary, she said she had thought it was going to last, etc... ...in only a matter of months she just shut all those feelings off it seems, and kept them off since then. It's absolutely amazing.
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