Newlywed, very unhappy

[Still Lost]

I need some unbiased advice.

 

I’ve been with my husband for nearly 4.5 years, and married only 6 months. I love him very much, although I do not believe that I love him the way a wife should. For our entire relationship we have worked together, he runs his own business, and I was hired on to manage the office. It did not take long for us to hookup once starting to work together, mostly because we where friends for a few years before all this happened and it just seemed right.

 

I’ve been wracking my brain trying to figure out why I don’t think I love him as much as I should. I look back at events that have happened during the time we where dating, we lived together pretty much right off the start. Would get up in the morning, go to work, work together all day, go home and spend the evening together, we got along very well, we always have something to say and had similar interests. Although less then a year into our working and living together I started thinking about quitting the job, he has always been a touch difficult to work with, although I never acted on these ideas mostly because when I would start to talk to him to feel out how he would feel about my leaving he would very defensive and upset at the idea. I realize now that over the years I have made it to easy for him to run this business, and that he is comfortable with me doing everything. I don’t know what would scare him more if I left, loosing me the wife or loosing the one person at the business who has everything figured out.

 

Before he asked me to marry him I had been having issues with him, I was always unhappy, everything was always about the business. We never fought about anything personal; our fights always came from stupid stuff going on at the office. It would get to the point of our not having sex for months as I simply has no interest in him. He then asked me to marry him on my birthday first thing in the morning, my gut reaction was “oh ****, this isn’t happening, no” I wanted to tell him no, but I wimped out and said yes. I realized I didn’t want to marry him not to long ago, I never saw myself getting married, I just assumed that after being together for 4 years, listening to him talk about wanting kids that getting married was the next step. I had not been happy in so long that this was exciting. Stupidly I put away my feelings and concentrated on the “happy feelings of getting married” and we started making plans and telling family.

 

During the course of planning the wedding I ran into obstacles that should have been easy. We decided to write our own vows, and I was having a terribly hard time doing this. We where discussing it one night and he said it was “easy, and started explaining to me why he loved me” said that is what he would put in his vows. He asked me why I loved him and why I wanted to marry him, I went blank, I had nothing to say more then “you are my best friend”. I pushed for us to go to pre-marital counseling a few months before the big day, I figured something would come out of it. What I found out was, I am to nervous to bring anything up in counseling with my husband there and a stranger no-matter how much I am paying him to listen to me, and that my husband believes our relationship is completely tied to our working together. Every time the councilor would ask him a question directed at our personal life, my husband would start off by saying “well at the office we ____” after a few times the councilor asked him about this. After listening to my husbands answer he smiled and said that “husband and wife teams can do amazing things together in business” and we left it at that. I remember thinking, finally a good question, one that could shed light on the situation, but no. I blame myself for not opening up and being truthful about my feelings.

 

Now the wedding is over, the excitement is over, I am still unhappy. I have new jewelry on my finger but I don’t care. My husband is shutting down the store front and moving the business home to our house. This scares me as there is already such a fine line between home and business that that line will again be completely wiped away. This has started me thinking about why I am unhappy, I should be happy I have the job, the house, the great kind caring and attentive husband many would die for, the cats, everything I could want. But I am miserable. I told my husband that when the business goes home I will help him get it setup but then I am going to do something else, I need a change. I just don’t know how big of a change I need. He accepted this after some encouragement from me, and promise I would work part time helping him with paperwork.

 

I know this is all my fault, I know I was a coward and hid from my feelings for far to long. I did not look after myself and my needs and wants. It does not help now that I am evolved in a EA with another man online, what started out as friendship and just someone to talk to and game with has turned into more. Funny thing is this new guy makes me smile, I have been smiling enough that people are noticing it and commenting on the fact I haven’t been smiling. This makes me review my last few years and start to realize how closed off I have been to everything. I know the OM won’t make me happy if I am not already happy with myself, I see that very very clearly, and I am being careful to not get to evolved and to listen to myself first. I have discussed this all with my brother, my only unbiased fried who I can talk to knowing I wont be called out or hurt, the first thing my brother did was apologies for not stopping or saying something to me when we announced the engagement. He saw how unhappy I was, and it hurt him, the fact he saw this validates how I have been feeling, and that maybe im not going crazy or imagining it. I am on a mission now to find happiness with myself, and to figure out what I need from life to be happy, living for someone else is not what I want to do anymore.

 

Honestly after writing all this I don’t know what kind of advice I am looking for, maybe I just wanted to get this of my chest. Maybe I need truly unbiased people to ask the hard questions im scared to ask myself. If anything I know I feel better writing it out.

 

Thanks for reading, I am open to negative and positive feedback. Be brutally honest.

[Owl]

First off...do a search for threads started by me >than a year old. Look for my original thread...it's around here somewhere.

 

In it, you'll see a VERY similar story about a woman who met someone online to game with...and it led too far.

 

Right now...your view of your marriage is tinted by affair colored glasses. I'm not saying that nothing was wrong with your relationship with your H...but I'm also telling you that one of the big changes that happens when someone starts an affair is that their view of their entire marriage goes south.

 

If you want my advice...break it off with OM...right now. Today. Go cold turkey NO CONTACT with him permanently.

 

Second...make it clear to your H exactly what you're unhappy about, what needs to change, and how serious this is to you. Tell your H the truth...it's so bad, you've started to fall for someone else.

 

Take ACTIVE steps to fix the problems...and see where things go from there.

[Dexter Morgan]

Still Lost

 

Get an anullment NOW before you end up really hurting him. its not too late and don't let this go any further.

 

he deserves to have someone that really wanted to marry him.

[Reggie]

Hope this does not sound harsh. But, it does not seem you love your husband, irrespective of the EA, and you've known this for a long time. I won't criticize you for marrying him, as you already know that was wrong.

The biggest favor you can do him is to tell him how you feel and look into divorce. It will , most likely, hurt him. But, if you continue and, especailly if you have kids, this gets way harder for someone to deal with. Let him cut his losses and you do the same. Be thankful there are no kids.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Honestly after writing all this I don’t know what kind of advice I am looking for, maybe I just wanted to get this of my chest. Maybe I need truly unbiased people to ask the hard questions im scared to ask myself. If anything I know I feel better writing it out.

 

Thanks for reading, I am open to negative and positive feedback. Be brutally honest.

 

Ouch, tuff situation.

 

First, try some individual counseling!

 

I would not throw the marriage out just yet, but it is clear you need to stop working in the company! You can't fix the marriage while you two are constantly at each others throats. Plus I got the impression that you feel like you shoulder most of the workload?

[JLee26]

As a SBO (small business owner) i can understand how a job can literally take over everything you do. You are the CFO,CEO,Treasurer, boss,employee,ect. a job is sometimes an escape from the homelife, a place where you can go and talk to other people, vent about home life, make friends. when you combine both work and home you lose yourself.

while the business has always been your H's baby, it is not yours. And it is time for you to change. I honestly believe that you are in the "rut" and the only thing that is going to change your current move, is something outside the home....IE the new Job.

The OM i think represents change, something different, and we all desire change. and Newness.

My suggestion is this...tell OM GOODBYE, while you may feel stagnet righ tnow, i doubt you want to hurt your H. Then talk to your H and to a counselor, SEPERATLY.

 

Hope all works out, but IMO i truely think you need something new, different, and exciting (A NEW JOB)

[Athena]

You sound very passive.... you fell into your job, your relationship, you went along with the marriage, and didn't speak up in marriage counseling.

 

Yes, you need to take control of your own life, but not because of, or For the OM. Be careful you are not just setting him up as a soft landing when you get out of your marriage.

 

By the way, what are you looking for in a man?! Do you like the 'take control' guy?? (because you are so passive?) Is your all-knowing, take-control H now become 'too nice' for you? Not man enough in that way? Funny, but my H's first wife complained that he was not man enough (wimpy?) and after she divorced him, she married OM 2 mths later, and HE turned out to be a wife-beater... so much for the Manliness factor.

 

Sigh, you did the wrong thing by your H, leading him on with your passiveness. Its not fair to him, but honestly, you have to come clean with him, and devastated as he WILL be, at least he will not be conned any longer. Move on.

 

Talk about women taking 'nice guys' for granted...

[seibert253]

If you don't love him, you need to tell him so the two of you can move on. Sounds like he love's you, but your're not sure. This isn't rocket science, it' fairly simple. Not easy, but simple.

1. If you don't love him, tell him, and tell him how you really feel. It's not fair to him to stay married to a women who doesn't love him and who is CHEATING with another man.

2. If you do love him, but not sure about how you're feeling, then the two of you need counseling to fix what's broke. And, most importantly you need to cease all contact with your computer "friend".

 

You've damaged whatever relationship you have with your husband. If you want to fix it, you can. If you don't, then it's time to move on.