lyadm Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 So, anyone who read my previous posts know what I am dealing with. Sadly, I did speak to the OM and he ask about my son and how he was doing. He told me he didn't know if he could talk to me again, he said he wasn't ready. He also told me he could not allow himself to feel the same way about me as he did before and he needed some time....I find this strange because all along he told me he only saw me as a friend, he always tried to make it look like I was the one with the "feelings". Over the past year I did not stress over not talking with him like I am this time. There were times I didn't hear from him for weeks, then out of the blue he would show back up and things would be right back to normal because I never held anything against him, I didn't feel as if I could because I was the one who was married. Here is my question though....He ask me if he could check on my son in the future....How dare him after all this. He told me he would never be able to be the same friend he was in the past, and he didn't "know" if he wanted to hear from me, then he asks if he can check on my son. This really hurt....should have I took his actions this way or was I wrong? I know for sure now that no matter how I "feel" I will control my actions and he will never know what is going on in my life, good or bad. Anything else that needs to be said to him will be better off left unsaid.
JLee26 Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 the son line huh? his way of staying in contact with you under the "innocent" means. Totally not "innocent" beware. if he is done and you are done. walk away, you can ALWAYS find new friends.
lkjh Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 please dont use your child as a means to stay in contact with this guy
Lucky_One Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Here's my take on it. You have 9 posts on LS now. In ONE, you mention that your young son has been diagnosed with a terminal illness. I think you need to seek counseling, and you need to go to Al-Anon, and you may need to seek out some other 12 step program that can keep your mind off the object of your 9 posts (the OM) and put it where it belongs (on your dying son). If your posting history matches the way you are living your life, then your priorities are truly screwed. Why aren't you posting on LS on the parenting forum, or on the health forum, or on the addiction forum? Why in the world are you wasting your energies focused on a man who says he wants nothing more to do with you than to be your friend, and who you haven't seen in over a year??? As for him wanting to know what happens with your son, I can certainly understand that. A child's life stands in the balance, and regardless of what his relationship status with you is, I can see why he wants to know about your son's health so that he can continue to pray for him and for his recovery.
Author lyadm Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 After reading your post I have realized something else. This is no place for me to be obviously. On one hand there are people here that are willing to give advice based upon their previous experience with things THEY HAVE EXPERIENCE WITH, and that is what I have ask for, and then it seems there are some people that are here for no other reason than to put others down and think the poster is getting what they deserve. People have no business making acusations about where a person needs to better spend thier time because YOU HAVE NO IDEA what you are talking about. And furthermore you have no idea what else I am doing in my life, because that is not the point of why I was here. I was here to speak with people that have experience with this "one" situation, the rest of it is off limits and will be handled the best that I see fit. And your your information I am in a support group for my son's lillness, and that is very helpful. Otherwise if you don't have any experience with this situation I am asking for help and support with your advice is really not needed.
Lucky_One Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Then for the love of God, spend your freaking time with your support group for your son, and WITH YOUR SON, rather than spending it on a support group for an emotional affair with a man who does not want you. Your post infuriated me. You have a son who is DYING, and you are worried bc some man doesn't love you or want to be your emotional support? Use your very limited time wisely and lovingly - not in desperate pursuit of an extra-marital fling.
whichwayisup Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Harsh but needed to be said..Good post Lucky One. I agree 100%. Your energy is being WASTED on a guy who isn't as into you as you are into him. FOCUS on your child, involve TRUE friends and family who can help and support you during this time, not some man who really isn't interested.
RinClavin Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I agree with this and I disagree with this. I agree that this man is not a good focus for Lyadm. But I don't think it's fair to assume that just because she's posted 9 times that she isn't an attentive mother. I've never lost a child, but I did lose my mother to a terminal illness. All of the support groups in the world aren't as valuable as a genuine friend to hold you and let you be weak in a time of crisis. Going back to Lyadm's OM... no I don't think he is a genuine friend because it's become more complicated than that. It seems to me that what's going on in Lyadm's world is multifacited. She's dealing with a dying child, doesn't have a strong marriage to help, and doesn't have true friends. So she's turning to the one person that she has felt emotional support from... the HUGE problem with that is neither of them is willing or able to be just friends. I will agree that an Affair is the last thing that she needs, but the line between an emotional affair and emotional support is often blurred (sometimes only clarrified by how strong the primary relationship is). Lyadm came here for emotional support in one area of her life.
bentnotbroken Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Then for the love of God, spend your freaking time with your support group for your son, and WITH YOUR SON, rather than spending it on a support group for an emotional affair with a man who does not want you. Your post infuriated me. You have a son who is DYING, and you are worried bc some man doesn't love you or want to be your emotional support? Use your very limited time wisely and lovingly - not in desperate pursuit of an extra-marital fling. Excellant post!!!
deluded realist Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 After reading your post I have realized something else. This is no place for me to be obviously. On one hand there are people here that are willing to give advice based upon their previous experience with things THEY HAVE EXPERIENCE WITH, and that is what I have ask for, and then it seems there are some people that are here for no other reason than to put others down and think the poster is getting what they deserve. Otherwise if you don't have any experience with this situation I am asking for help and support with your advice is really not needed. AMEN, SISTER. You said in one paragraph what I tried to say in 12 and obviously failed. I feel your pain because, like you, whether it is wrong or right or stupid or immoral or untimely or WHATEVER, you were looking for someone to share their PERSONAL INSIGHT from their PERSONAL EXPERIENCE in order to give you the benefit of their EXPERIENCE and offer you ideas for coping and getting over it. I respect and welcome constructive criticism and even tough love if it is offered respectfully. I'm sure you feel the same way. What we did NOT come here for was for a bunch of people who have NEVER BEEN THROUGH THE SAME THING to sit there and tell us how wrong or stupid, etc we are and hurl 'advice' at us that is filled with barbs and personal attacks and THEIR OWN PERCEPTION of who we are and what we do instead of just staying out of it if they have not been in our shoes. I am so very sorry for your situation, especially for your son. I also understand that love does not make sense a lot of times, but we are all just human and want what everyone wants--to be loved. I for one, even if I see the pain and the futility of your predicament, am not here to tell you how you should feel and what you should do. I can tell you I understand and am so very sorry you have so much pain in your life. I have a feeling you already know what you need to do, but I also understand it hurts. I apologize for the 'well meaning' judgements being hurled at you when right now, right or wrong, you just wanted support. You are welcome to contact me if you just need to talk. I may not have any advice, but I'll listen and not tell you how F'd up you are and what a sh*tty mother you are. These people..... I'm done with them. I will continue to read posts to learn what I can from the experience of others and fix the problems in my own life, and to post responses to people who are hurting. But as far as baring my own soul to these people? I'm not gonna throw myself to the wolves a second time--people who pass judgement and want to tell me, as they've told you, what my true motives are when I've already stated them but they decide they know better than me what's in my heart and mind (and they also apparently don't really take the time to F'ing READ!) and to tell me, as they've done you, how wrong you are for feeling the way you do. Matters of the heart are never easy. I, for one, will never entrust my feelings or details of my life on this site ever again. If only I learned ALL my life lessons this easily. I feel for you, hon. I can only imagine the abyss you must feel you are in, without someone who loves and supports you through this. I understand and I'm so sorry you have this additional hurt on top of the other, obviously more important things happening in your life. Hang in there...and like I said if you want to talk and not be flamed, feel free to contact me.
Lucky_One Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Another novella of anger - bravo. As for being in an affair - BTDT. Have I had my heart broken by ending an EMA - yes. Have I ever had to deal with the total devastation of losing a child - thank God and whatever is holy no, and I pray that I never do have to face that, and I am sorrier than I can say that ANY parent has to live with such a tragedy. So you can stop with the high drama of "no one understands me and this affair" - most of us have been where you are.
deluded realist Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 If you've been there and done that then you understand the utter lack of sense it makes when you feel this way, in spite of knowing how futile and stupid it is and knowing what you SHOULD do....you may recall....right or wrong, you feel how you feel. That's just the way it is. If you've had this experience, how about suggesting some of the things that helped you to get through it and emerge a stronger woman? THAT'S ALL WE WANT. Telling her you're infuriated at her post and telling her she's a crappy mom. Wow, that's sharing your experience, strength and hope, alright. How about some PRACTICAL advice that is ON TOPIC and the reason the woman entrusted this community with her hurts in the first place? How did you get through it? What things did you need to do for yourself to avoid feeling sucked back into the whole mess. You say you've been through this--that's awesome! Share with those less able to think straight and who are not feeling like their normal selves right now and have a little compassion and stop telling people how they are and what they SHOULD do. Offer some HELPFUL and practical advice and get over yourself. The rest of us don't have life all figured out as you apparently do, but hey, we WERE open to hearing your experience and how you coped....
JLee26 Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Wowwee guys, do you think there may just be a reality show here??? i agree with alot of the "focus on your son" bit. i think you will find more Solace in a support group than an online group. but i stick to my earlier statement OM needs to G O . the last thing your kid needs right now is mommy and daddy splitting up.
JLee26 Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 sorry meant to add, best of luck and you are in my prayers for a speedy recovery to your son!!!
Lucky_One Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 If you've been there and done that then you understand the utter lack of sense it makes when you feel this way, in spite of knowing how futile and stupid it is and knowing what you SHOULD do....you may recall....right or wrong, you feel how you feel. That's just the way it is. If you've had this experience, how about suggesting some of the things that helped you to get through it and emerge a stronger woman? THAT'S ALL WE WANT. Telling her you're infuriated at her post and telling her she's a crappy mom. Wow, that's sharing your experience, strength and hope, alright. How about some PRACTICAL advice that is ON TOPIC and the reason the woman entrusted this community with her hurts in the first place? How did you get through it? What things did you need to do for yourself to avoid feeling sucked back into the whole mess. You say you've been through this--that's awesome! Share with those less able to think straight and who are not feeling like their normal selves right now and have a little compassion and stop telling people how they are and what they SHOULD do. Offer some HELPFUL and practical advice and get over yourself. The rest of us don't have life all figured out as you apparently do, but hey, we WERE open to hearing your experience and how you coped.... As I said (weren't you bitching about reading comprehension on here), I don't have any experience with having a child with a terminal illness. So...what WOULD I do? I would forget some a&&hole OM who doesn't want me and who I haven't seen in a year. And how would I forget him? I think that my heart and soul would just *poof* him away in my total agonizing fear and pain over the potential heartbreaking loss of my child. I would pour every ounce of energy and time into looking into research, and into alternate therapies, and into finding other opinions, and into making sure that every morsel that kid ate was as highly nutritious and tasty as it could be, and into making sure that our home and his activities were as healthy and strengthening mentally, physically and emotionally as they can be. OM? What OM? That old friend from my past who hurt me, but that I now understand hurt me in such an inconsequential way compared to the utter heartbreak that I am now facing? Oh him? Whatever. THAT'S what *I* would do.
deluded realist Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Lucky One, I know you are trying but you are still telling her what SHE should do here instead of strictly sharing your OWN experience and what you did and how you coped with THAT experience....not how you would act/react/behave if you were her. That's really not the question. Share your EXPERIENCE and what helped YOU and stop 'shoulding' on the rest of us. Surely there were things that you did when you were trying to get over your own experience. Sharing those things with the rest of us is immensely helpful and appreciated, it honestly is. How she reacts to her life's events is not how I would or you would or someone else would because we are not HER. I'm sure she would benefit far more than hearing your story of how you emerged victorious....as would I....which was why I came here to start with.... Either we can help each other or we can't. Delivering advice that is given in a scornful and contemptible manner that comes across like a personal attack, EVEN IF IT IS SPOT ON AND THE BEST ADVICE IN THE UNIVERSE, is going to miss the intended mark. You can be right, but you can be dead right too. I'm not saying to blow sunshine up our *sses but it's helpful not to make the person feel attacked too. Just a thought
Lucky_One Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Let's say it again. I have no experience with having a child diagnosed with a terminal illness. But I do have experience with people who carry around a lot of anger.
CaliforniaGirl Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I can not believe the degree of selfishness here. This isn't about you. Yet you launch a self-serving diatribe...right in the middle of a thread about a woman whose son is dying. Do you hear yourself??? As far as practical advice, seeking support about losing her son IS practical advice for the OP. In fact she may even be holding onto thoughts of her affair in order to avoid thinking about her son. It's overwhelming. I have a special needs son and I can say from at least that experience that it really is overwhelming and one really does tend to shove in an "even bigger" (or at least more imminent) issue just to get away from the devastating thoughts once in a while. If you really were listening, and really were open to practical advice, you'd see that, but you're a selfish person...so you can't. (And no. Not every WS gets "crucified" or whatever. Just the self-serving ones who decide to take off in fury about how horrible the MM's actual spouse is. Duh.) As for advice on your situation...go back to your thread. It's not all about you. Good grief. AMEN, SISTER. You said in one paragraph what I tried to say in 12 and obviously failed. I feel your pain because, like you, whether it is wrong or right or stupid or immoral or untimely or WHATEVER, you were looking for someone to share their PERSONAL INSIGHT from their PERSONAL EXPERIENCE in order to give you the benefit of their EXPERIENCE and offer you ideas for coping and getting over it. I respect and welcome constructive criticism and even tough love if it is offered respectfully. I'm sure you feel the same way. What we did NOT come here for was for a bunch of people who have NEVER BEEN THROUGH THE SAME THING to sit there and tell us how wrong or stupid, etc we are and hurl 'advice' at us that is filled with barbs and personal attacks and THEIR OWN PERCEPTION of who we are and what we do instead of just staying out of it if they have not been in our shoes. I am so very sorry for your situation, especially for your son. I also understand that love does not make sense a lot of times, but we are all just human and want what everyone wants--to be loved. I for one, even if I see the pain and the futility of your predicament, am not here to tell you how you should feel and what you should do. I can tell you I understand and am so very sorry you have so much pain in your life. I have a feeling you already know what you need to do, but I also understand it hurts. I apologize for the 'well meaning' judgements being hurled at you when right now, right or wrong, you just wanted support. You are welcome to contact me if you just need to talk. I may not have any advice, but I'll listen and not tell you how F'd up you are and what a sh*tty mother you are. These people..... I'm done with them. I will continue to read posts to learn what I can from the experience of others and fix the problems in my own life, and to post responses to people who are hurting. But as far as baring my own soul to these people? I'm not gonna throw myself to the wolves a second time--people who pass judgement and want to tell me, as they've told you, what my true motives are when I've already stated them but they decide they know better than me what's in my heart and mind (and they also apparently don't really take the time to F'ing READ!) and to tell me, as they've done you, how wrong you are for feeling the way you do. Matters of the heart are never easy. I, for one, will never entrust my feelings or details of my life on this site ever again. If only I learned ALL my life lessons this easily. I feel for you, hon. I can only imagine the abyss you must feel you are in, without someone who loves and supports you through this. I understand and I'm so sorry you have this additional hurt on top of the other, obviously more important things happening in your life. Hang in there...and like I said if you want to talk and not be flamed, feel free to contact me.
whichwayisup Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I think what most are just trying to point out to her is, she doesn't NEED anymore emotional turmoil in her life. What she has going on with her son is enough. Why add salt into the wound, aka OM.
Heather1 Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Here's my experience.... 10 years ago I was trying to get a diagnose for my 2 year old boy who wasn't speaking. Not the same as a terminal child, but a ton of stress & opinions. I had an EA with a friend who is a good friend to this day. He backed off of a full blown A, realizing how much stress I was under. Out of the special ed preschool class of 8 kids he was in, 3 of the Mom's have died & one of the teachers. It's a little fantasy that wouldn't have happened if your child wasn't sick. It's OK to divert. I thank God I was taking my kid to appointments & had something else to kind of get my mind off of things that was, in retrospect, trivial (the EA). I call it sideways. I wish you the best.
Montclair0011 Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 I can't believe all the cold hearted nastiness on this thread. This is a woman who is dealing with an an alcoholic, non responsive husband, financial ruin, a lost career AND a dying child. We should be applauding that she is not throwing herself under a train, never mind critiquing her parenting skills. I am in awe that this woman gets out of bed every morning. I agree with those (including the OP) who point out that turning to the OM for affection and support is not a good strategy, but I totally get how she found her way down that path. I can't even imagine the depth of pain and longing that this woman must face on a daily basis. I wish I had more advice on what she could do to resolve even one of her major issues. But, really I don't except to say, hold on and keep trying and hopefully things will get better. Maybe keep up with the MC (or get more of it) and see if the husband comes around a bit. It would be good if she and her husband could pull together to deal with their son's illness, but that would require him to stop drinking away his pain and for her to stop thinking about the OM and to forgive and bond again with the husband.
willing Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 An Affair is Escapism... from a bad marriage, from oneself, or from an unthinkable life situation.
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