BubblyPopcorn Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 He told me that he wanted to settle things with her, and make her understand that it was over. Here’s what I don’t understand. Why does he have to settle things and make her understand that the relationship is over, if their relationship is already supposed to be “over”? Wouldn’t you have rather he resolve whatever unfinished business he had with her, and to work that out before the two of you became exclusive? Insecurities are brought by two people. But his are driving him to seek solace outside of his relationship with you, and then lying about it. That’s the difference.
mr.dream merchant Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Well to be honest, as a guy, to me it seems like something between him and this other chick was still poppin off when you two started dating. My guess is he had her on the back burner in the beginning of your relationship and she's acting so psycho now because it really does seem like you stole him from her, in her eyes because maybe she didn't know homeboy was talking to other women, you. Just a possibility but that's what I'd run with if I wanted to assume he's being unfaithful to you. It could just be the classic case of a player. I've done it, and I've seen it done. You keep them both in the dark until you figure out which one is the better. In this case one of them happened to find out he moved on so now she's acting psycho.
Trialbyfire Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 dreamergrl, don't get caught up in the bad boy thing, in that you walked away from a good guy and are now invested in a guy who would lie to you about something as important as getting together with an ex. If it's not the bad boy syndrome, then don't try so hard to fit a square peg into a round hole. When relationships start off as hard work, they don't get any better. Don't you want a relationship and not a project?
Author dreamergrl Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 I'm not denying the fact that what happened was fishy. I'm trying to figure out if I want to continue to be with him, because he says he wants to get past it and just be happy together. Here's what I don't know: -I don't know if I'm getting the whole truth from him now. -I don't know if he'll lie again Here's what I do know: -I don't have the same icky feeling in my stomach that something is going on that I don't know about. -I have feelings for him and would like to move past this -I think it is possible that he could stop the lies. (I'm sorry, but I am a firm believer that people can change, if they want to. I have my own bad past that I'm always trying to recover from, and I hate to be judged by it)
Kamille Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Fair enough Dreamergrl. You do have to do what feels right to you. If you don't it'll likely leave you wondering, which will likely mean you'll get back together with him eventually. Only by then, regaining each other's trust will be even more complicated. You know what's right for you. And hey, we're here for you. But I can't help it. This is LS and I feel the need to give you advice: please try to invest in activities where you'll get to meet new people and make some new friends.
Author dreamergrl Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 But I can't help it. This is LS and I feel the need to give you advice: please try to invest in activities where you'll get to meet new people and make some new friends. Very much agreed here.
Author dreamergrl Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 dreamergrl, don't get caught up in the bad boy thing, in that you walked away from a good guy and are now invested in a guy who would lie to you about something as important as getting together with an ex. If it's not the bad boy syndrome, then don't try so hard to fit a square peg into a round hole. When relationships start off as hard work, they don't get any better. Don't you want a relationship and not a project? The thing is, for me, relationships are often work, because while I've come a long ways since I first started trying to break the cycle of being with abusive men, and getting into bad relationships, it's still work. And I can't over come somethings without experiencing it. While, yes, it's true that in most cases it shouldn't be work, but at the same time, if I can learn to trust, then I'm overcoming a barrier that is hard for me to begin with. I can't go through my life just putting walls up. What I can do, is learn to treat a new relationship as just that, not as it's just going to be another bad man in my life. I've been doing a lot of thinking this week, when I'm with him and when I'm not with him. While it's only been just over a month, I have formed a bond and feelings for him. I don't want to have the urge to run when things get bad for me. I ran when I moved out of state, and it turned out to be worse off in the end. As Kamille said, and it's very true, I will be left wondering if it was the right thing to do (just leaving him), I'd rather know for sure if I'm making the right choice. I always second guess myself when I just take off. He's not verbally or physically abusive to me, and aside from the rocky week we have, he adds a lot of happiness to my life. I could go out with other guys, but I have no urge to. I still look forward to seeing him. If I made so many mistakes in the past, and have learned from them, and grew as a person, who's to say someone else can't? I know everyone is trying to give me the best advice, and it's so much appreciated, it truly is, and I'm always so greatful for this forum, it's helped me so much in the last year. I do take what everyone has to say into consideration. I'm not just ignoring what you guys have to say, I've been thinking about it all week. And I'm still thinking. I just want to make sure I'm doing the right thing. That's not a bad thing is it?
Kamille Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 While, yes, it's true that in most cases it shouldn't be work, but at the same time, if I can learn to trust, then I'm overcoming a barrier that is hard for me to begin with. I can't go through my life just putting walls up. What I can do, is learn to treat a new relationship as just that, not as it's just going to be another bad man in my life. I've been doing a lot of thinking this week, when I'm with him and when I'm not with him. While it's only been just over a month, I have formed a bond and feelings for him. I don't want to have the urge to run when things get bad for me. I ran when I moved out of state, and it turned out to be worse off in the end. Dreamer, in order for you to be able to learn how to trust with someone, that person has to prove to be trustworthy to begin with, else you're just continuing the vicious circle. This is why I think you're both over-invested in this relationship. You clearly don't know enough about each other yet to warrant calling it love yet. passion? yes. Long-term relationship material? Not yet. I still respect your desire to continue the relationship. I get the impression from what you've revealed about yourself in this thread and in others (I remember a few why-don't-I-like-nice-guys ones), that you're right in pointing out that you do have to do some work on yourself. 1) What makes you fall for the men that you do? Think back to the first few weeks of all your past relationships? Is there a common thread? Do they push you off-balance, make you feel so loved that your life suddenly seems complete and then pull away little by little? In other words, do you have a pattern of falling for early-investors who invest early because of issues of their own? 2) Do you have a history of falling in love quickly? If so, what is it about your idea of love that makes le coup de foudre, (falling head over heals quickly) be the only way you want to invest in a relationship? 3) How good are you at establishing healthy boundaries? Do you have a hard time negotiating your needs in a relationship? Do you fear losing the other to the extent you will deny your own psychological needs? 4) Project yourself in a healthy long term relationship. You and your partner have been together for over 5 years and things are great between the two of you. What makes it good? How do you interact with each other? How does he make you feel and how does he support you, flaws and all? How do you support him? (I find having an idea of what I want my relationship to be like helps me figure out my own patterns and how to set my own boundaries). I'm pointing this out because in a lot of ways your stories trigger something in me. I tend to fall early and I tend to fall for men who push me off balance and make me question my own boundaries. I'm learning little by little how not to do that - and it's involved learning to stop doubting my gut instincts. (So if your gut is telling you to stick it through, then go for it .) ps: does a man have to be verbally and physically abusive before he isn't good for you?
Kamille Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Imagine this scenario: You two meet, hit it off, you don't over-invest. When the ex approaches you - you raise your eyebrows and camly approach the guy you are dating: "Do you have issues to resolve with you ex?" he says whatever - but likely doesn't feel he needs to lie. If he lies or if you discover a lie you then say: "I feel like you might have a few things to figure out on your own. I like you and like spending time with you - so please sort things out with your ex and if you're still up to it, let's continue dating when everything is cleared up with her."
Author dreamergrl Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 Dreamer, in order for you to be able to learn how to trust with someone, that person has to prove to be trustworthy to begin with, else you're just continuing the vicious circle. This is why I think you're both over-invested in this relationship. You clearly don't know enough about each other yet to warrant calling it love yet. I do agree that we don't know each other well enouigh to call it love, but I do feel that we know each other to have formed a bond and have feelings for one another. There is a lot that we have shared with each other (and I'm not one to let my walls down this early to let a guy know me as well). I still respect your desire to continue the relationship. I get the impression from what you've revealed about yourself in this thread and in others (I remember a few why-don't-I-like-nice-guys ones), that you're right in pointing out that you do have to do some work on yourself. Yup, I do know I have some work to do on myself, and that is something I am always working on. But at the same time, even though I don't need a man to complete me, having someone I have feelings for in my life is a great thing. I don't want to dismiss someone because there are things I need to work on. I'm kind of the type of person who doesn't learn unless I put myself into the situation. If that makes any sense. But I'm not with him just for that. 1) What makes you fall for the men that you do? Think back to the first few weeks of all your past relationships? Is there a common thread? Do they push you off-balance, make you feel so loved that your life suddenly seems complete and then pull away little by little? In other words, do you have a pattern of falling for early-investors who invest early because of issues of their own? For a long time, I just found myself being with guys who treated me like crap because that's what I knew. I didn't know what it was to be with someone who treated me good. In between these guys I had one man who did not treat me this way, but I bailed because it wasn't what I knew. Then I went back to the same pattern, and now I'm pushing myself back out of that. This guy doesn't treat me the nasty way the past guys had. Yes, he lied, but I've done the same in the past, and it was something I learned I had to not to. And I stopped, there for I feel if I can do it, he could as well, if HE wants to. 2) Do you have a history of falling in love quickly? If so, what is it about your idea of love that makes le coup de foudre, (falling head over heals quickly) be the only way you want to invest in a relationship? I used to, and mainly because I longed to feel loved. I longed to be someone's #1. That, I learned, stemmed from my father never looking at me as if I was good enough. As I grew older, being loved right away wasn't important, and that came as I learned to just accept that my dad is just that way, and if he can't love his own daughter, that's his issue, not mine. I'm not longing for this guy to love me. That will come in time. If and when he does, that will be a step that brings us closer, and will be so much better if it comes naturally. 3) How good are you at establishing healthy boundaries? Do you have a hard time negotiating your needs in a relationship? Do you fear losing the other to the extent you will deny your own psychological needs? Again, that's how I used to be, but I put my needs further a head now. I've ended relationships since my last nasty abusive relationship because I wasn't getting what I needed out of the relationship. I started putting my boundaries up, and am getting much better at it. I don't just step down anymore. I express clearly what I need. I expressed this to this guy. I told him if we are to continue, he needs to be honest. The lies can't happen anymore, and if they do, I will leave him. 4) Project yourself in a healthy long term relationship. You and your partner have been together for over 5 years and things are great between the two of you. What makes it good? How do you interact with each other? How does he make you feel and how does he support you, flaws and all? How do you support him? (I find having an idea of what I want my relationship to be like helps me figure out my own patterns and how to set my own boundaries). Just being accepted for me. Knowing that I'm loved (when it happens) for who I am, and not for what I could be. I do feel I'm a supportive person. I want the best for the man I am with, and I want the same in return. Being able to just be content, and not finding myself longing for something more, or someone else. I'm pointing this out because in a lot of ways your stories trigger something in me. I tend to fall early and I tend to fall for men who push me off balance and make me question my own boundaries. I'm learning little by little how not to do that - and it's involved learning to stop doubting my gut instincts. (So if your gut is telling you to stick it through, then go for it .) ps: does a man have to be verbally and physically abusive before he isn't good for you? No, he doesn't. It used to be like that for me, but after so many times of going through it, I look for other signs. I know, the lie could very easily be that sign. Or it could be a mistake that can be forgiven and able to be moved past. To this day, I still get judged by my past by so many people. I want someone to look past who I was, and see who I am now. He does that for me. I can tell him anything about the things I've done and been through, and he doesn't look at me with distgust, or rub it in my face.
Author dreamergrl Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 Imagine this scenario: You two meet, hit it off, you don't over-invest. When the ex approaches you - you raise your eyebrows and camly approach the guy you are dating: "Do you have issues to resolve with you ex?" he says whatever - but likely doesn't feel he needs to lie. If he lies or if you discover a lie you then say: "I feel like you might have a few things to figure out on your own. I like you and like spending time with you - so please sort things out with your ex and if you're still up to it, let's continue dating when everything is cleared up with her." Which would have been the better way to go, but I can't turn back and eliminate feelings that have been developed. I can't do the what ifs, or it's just going to make it harder. I have to go with what is. And this is how it is now. We either need to accept it, work on it and move on, or go our seperate ways.
Kamille Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 You're right that you have to build from where you are now. At the risk of sounding like I'm contradicting my last post where I agree with you that you have work to do on yourself: Why do you make it sound like you have to apologize or make up for your past? Or like you have so much work to do on yourself that it's wrong to react how you react? I think that to build from here - he has to learn to accept that you are who you are, insecurities and all and he should try and help you deal with them in a healthy way. Certainly not by hiding things from you.
Author dreamergrl Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 You're right that you have to build from where you are now. At the risk of sounding like I'm contradicting my last post where I agree with you that you have work to do on yourself: Why do you make it sound like you have to apologize or make up for your past? Or like you have so much work to do on yourself that it's wrong to react how you react? I think that to build from here - he has to learn to accept that you are who you are, insecurities and all and he should try and help you deal with them in a healthy way. Certainly not by hiding things from you. Because I have family that constantly tells me on a normal basis, I don't deserve to be happy, I messed up so bad earlier in life, I deserve anything bad that I have to deal with now. A day doesn't go by that I don't get reminded of my errors (and I'm not talking about my new man). I told him that, to move on, I need certain things from him, and he told me he understood. I said it's not going to be fixed over night, but I am making a real effort. I've told him that while I understand why he hid something from me, it made it harder then just the straight truth because it damaged the trust I had for him.
Star Gazer Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 Because I have family that constantly tells me on a normal basis, I don't deserve to be happy, I messed up so bad earlier in life, I deserve anything bad that I have to deal with now. A day doesn't go by that I don't get reminded of my errors (and I'm not talking about my new man). Why on EARTH did you move back home to be with this family then??
Author dreamergrl Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 Why on EARTH did you move back home to be with this family then?? I missed my friends, the area I grew up in, and what I knew. The job I have here is better then what I had out there, living expenses are cheaper here. I wanted to help my mom out. I wanted to do all the right things.
mental_traveller Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 I'd say he cheated. He is behaving exactly like someone who cheated and is lying. Don't be so gullible.
mental_traveller Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 I'm not denying the fact that what happened was fishy. I'm trying to figure out if I want to continue to be with him, because he says he wants to get past it and just be happy together. Here's what I don't know: -I don't know if I'm getting the whole truth from him now. -I don't know if he'll lie again Here's what I do know: -I don't have the same icky feeling in my stomach that something is going on that I don't know about. -I have feelings for him and would like to move past this -I think it is possible that he could stop the lies. (I'm sorry, but I am a firm believer that people can change, if they want to. I have my own bad past that I'm always trying to recover from, and I hate to be judged by it) Well, several people are telling you that he is not giving the whole truth. He lied once that means he's a liar, so he is likely to lie again and again. Feelings are unreliable, whereas people reliably stick to proven behaviour patterns. Liking someone is not sufficient reason to overlook lying and cheating behaviour. People can change but you should only trust this if they are showing concrete evidence of change. You should not rely on pure hope, when the evidence is that they continue to lie. IMO you seem too trusting and wishy-washy in your thinking. I hope I am wrong but I see this turning out badly. I've seen to many situations like it before, a naive woman getting cheated on by a guy who is used to lying to girls to cover up infidelity, it's like taking candy from a baby.
SoulSearch_CO Posted April 2, 2009 Posted April 2, 2009 Once they start in on the lying, it's never going to end. Geesh. Because of my experience with my XH, I'd run like hell if some guy did this to me. It's just that disappointing, sinking feeling when somebody is dishonest with me. I can't do it ever again in a relationship. He obviously doesn't trust you if he was more worried about your reaction than he was worried about his honor. I value my word very highly and would not be okay with letting a lie slip like that to my SO. I would be divulging EVERYTHING so that he'd see there's nothing to hide. This guy clearly has something to hide or he would have 'fessed up.
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