Author dreamergrl Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 Given my outburst that week, I'd be afraid to tell me things too. I'm not saying it's right, but I'm saying I understand the reasoning. SG, I understand what you're saying, but what if he didn't cheat?
Girlygirl1977 Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I understand what you are saying, I really do. The reason why I don't believe they had sex was because when I confronted her, and said, well if you were there all night in his bed like you said, what does his place and room look like. She was only able to provide a description of what you could see from the entrance. Which matches what he has told me now. And she was hell bent on trying to prove they had sex. quote] I say this just to provide advice - not to make you feel bad. I just want to point out that just because she didn't describe the bedroom well doesn't prove anything about them having or not having sex. I think people can have sex anywhere - need not even be at his apt. and if so, need not be in the bedroom. And she could still have seen it and not described it well esp. if it was dark. I guess I just want you to see that it doesn't disprove that they had sex. Please keep that in mind.
Star Gazer Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 If it's that important to you to find out the truth, get your b/f to set up a meeting with the three of you. Body language, words and actions and the dynamics of the two together, should give you the answers. This is the only way to find out the truth. Thing is, one of my good friends did this. During the process, she learned he was in a relationship with the other girl for over 2+ years - he owned up to it. Sadly, she took him back. Each time they talk about her, more and more details of "the truth" comes out. She's still searching for answers.
Author dreamergrl Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 I understand what you are saying, I really do. The reason why I don't believe they had sex was because when I confronted her, and said, well if you were there all night in his bed like you said, what does his place and room look like. She was only able to provide a description of what you could see from the entrance. Which matches what he has told me now. And she was hell bent on trying to prove they had sex. quote] I say this just to provide advice - not to make you feel bad. I just want to point out that just because she didn't describe the bedroom well doesn't prove anything about them having or not having sex. I think people can have sex anywhere - need not even be at his apt. and if so, need not be in the bedroom. And she could still have seen it and not described it well esp. if it was dark. I guess I just want you to see that it doesn't disprove that they had sex. Please keep that in mind. I understand this, but she claimed straight out to have spent the night in his bed having sex with him. That is why I said that.
Star Gazer Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Given my outburst that week, I'd be afraid to tell me things too. I'm not saying it's right, but I'm saying I understand the reasoning. I think that reasoning is absolute B.S. He lied. The reasons WHY someone breached your trust doesn't matter. SG, I understand what you're saying, but what if he didn't cheat? I don't believe that he didn't. Not for one second. However, assuming he was an angel in terms of physicality, I'd never be able to get over the blatant lying. Your relationship is far too new to be dealing with crap like this. He tried to break up with you, then changed his mind. Then he saw his ex. His ex claims he was unfaithful. He lied to you about seeing her. Then he potentially lied about going to the bar because of "frost." The writing is on the wall, clear as day.
Author dreamergrl Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 This is the only way to find out the truth. Thing is, one of my good friends did this. During the process, she learned he was in a relationship with the other girl for over 2+ years - he owned up to it. Sadly, she took him back. Each time they talk about her, more and more details of "the truth" comes out. She's still searching for answers. But I don't feel as though I'm wondering if they cheated. I don't have that same gut feeling. I just want the lying to stop. I want to be able to fix the trust issue. I've been cheated on before, and I had the feeling something was off. I've also, as much as I'm ashamed to admit it, have cheated once. He really hasn't been defensive, more so having a hard time that I am trying still to move past the lies.
Star Gazer Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 But I don't feel as though I'm wondering if they cheated. I don't have that same gut feeling. I just want the lying to stop. I want to be able to fix the trust issue. Do you realize that YOU cannot fix HIM? The lying won't stop, that's the way he's built. He will continue to lie to you, whether because he's honestly up to no good, or out of fear of your reaction. Regardless of the reason, it's going to continue.
Kamille Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Dreamer, even if he didn't cheat - can't you see that you two are off to an awfully bad start? Do you really want to deal with all the drama that all three of you - HIM included - are bringing to the table? You seem intent on salvaging the situation. I said it in your last thread, I'll say it here: You are over-invested in this brand new relationship to the point that it is causing you to 1) over-react 2) make excuses for his actions 3) take too much responsibility for how things are unfolding in the hopes that it'll allow you to stay together 4) fail to take the necessary step back to see your boyfriend's lies for what they are (lies). If you are so insecure that a man you've only known for a month has to lie to you, then maybe you're not ready for a relationship right now Dreamer. If he is already lying and it's only been a month, then maybe he also has some past issues to resolve.
Ruby Slippers Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 A person of integrity would not need to lie. This is a really bad start to a relationship. In my experience, guys who tell even "little white lies" continue to do so. An honest person will always be honest with you. I'd walk away.
Star Gazer Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Dreamer, even if he didn't cheat - can't you see that you two are off to an awfully bad start? Do you really want to deal with all the drama that all three of you - HIM included - are bringing to the table? You seem intent on salvaging the situation. I said it in your last thread, I'll say it here: You are over-invested in this brand new relationship to the point that it is causing you to 1) over-react 2) make excuses for his actions 3) take too much responsibility for how things are unfolding in the hopes that it'll allow you to stay together 4) fail to take the necessary step back to see your boyfriend's lies for what they are (lies). Agreed, 10000000%. If you are so insecure that a man you've only known for a month has to lie to you, then maybe you're not ready for a relationship right now Dreamer. I agree with this as well. However, I caution you to NOT accept blame for his actions or the problems. He owns them, not you. Don't be thinkin', "Oh, I can be better, and then this will be better." That's not the way this works. If he is already lying and it's only been a month, then maybe he also has some past issues to resolve. I agree with this as well. I was suspicious of this guy from the get-go.
bean1 Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I don't agree that keeping something from someone makes a person automatically guilty. I have done that as well, because although in truth I was innocent, it may not have appeared that way. I suppose I feared not being believed. Looking back, yes I wish I had been truthful in the beginning. That being said, I think it is fair to allow dreamer to make her own decision with the information that has been presented. She has been given alternative points of view, but it's very difficult to just "dump" a person when you are unsure. She has also stated that she has not given the relationship a green light and she is still unsure. I think Kamille is correct is saying that perhaps you are trying to salvage a relationship, perhaps because you don't have your friends anymore?? I dunno, I've been in that position.
shockandawed Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Dreamer, Sorry you are going through this. Like you, I am much better at giving advise than following it myself. I have just ended a relationship where I spent considerable time trying to make sense of the bs. I often felt I was becoming an insecure freak and the reality was that the bs meter was right on. I sense you are doing this as well with some of your comments about blaming yourself for trust issues or being insecure. You feel something is amiss and you want answers. Sadly, you aren't going to get them. The reality is this relationship is brand new and you are already dealing with this crap. I have no idea if he has cheated with her or not, but he has lied to you. Regardless of how far he went, he is bringing serious baggage to you and the relationship. Is this what you want to deal with? True, it may not be his fault what his ex-gf does, but he can control how much of it he brings. I have always made sure my past relationships were in fact that before I tried to start another one. He needs to get his house in order before trying to start a new one.
Trialbyfire Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 This isn't a long relationship, where you've built up years of investment. Try to get this into perspective. The two of you are still in the infatuation period and he's already pulling this kind of crap? So then you forgive him. Let's pretend that in two years time, you end up having some kind of major, major disagreement and things blow up to the point where he huffs off again. What's to stop him from attempting to get third party validation again? He's already proven to you that he's untrustworthy, whether he's slept with her or not. He's lied to you over a "supposed" triviality. So, why do you suppose he won't lie to you again?
northstar1 Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 A month into a relatiionship, and there is this much drama? Not worth it. It has train wreck written all over it. From what I see, you are making excuses for his actions/behaviours. That is teetering on co-dependant behaviour, which is the furthest thing from healthy I just dont see this relationship having long legs, based on all the confusion and drama that has gone on in a month. How much more of this are you going to put up with? Surely this is not the makings of a light and fun relationship......
Star Gazer Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I know what you're thinking Dreamer, but it's not your fault he lied.
shadowplay Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 I think you need to push the "dump" button. Best case scenario he didn't cheat, but still lied to you about seeing his ex in order to cover his arse. Worst case scenario he did cheat. Either way you can't trust him. There's a distinct possibility that he did cheat, and you will always feel insecure about that. If you guys had a long, positive history I would say try to work it out, but given how young this relationship is it's probably not worth it.
mr.dream merchant Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Look dreamergrl. If you're feeling this guy that much, give him a chance. Alot of people will tell you to bounce on duke but maybe they don't know how much emotional investment you've put into the relationship, even if it is only a month. If you're feeling him like that, give him a chance, if not, NEXT his punkass.
likestolaugh Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Look dreamergrl. If you're feeling this guy that much, give him a chance. Alot of people will tell you to bounce on duke but maybe they don't know how much emotional investment you've put into the relationship, even if it is only a month. If you're feeling him like that, give him a chance, if not, NEXT his punkass. there you go. Best advice in this thread, imo. It's really easy to say "dump him" over the internet.
Author dreamergrl Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 I know everyone thinks I should dump him, except a few people, but I just don't feel like just saying screw it and that be that. I spent some time with him yesterday, and it was nice. Some say it's only been a month, but yet I've read threads from some long timers here who already professed their love after 3 or 6 weeks. If the trust could be built back up, who's to say it can't be a healthy relationship. I'm so torn on what to do.
mr.dream merchant Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I know everyone thinks I should dump him, except a few people, but I just don't feel like just saying screw it and that be that. I spent some time with him yesterday, and it was nice. Some say it's only been a month, but yet I've read threads from some long timers here who already professed their love after 3 or 6 weeks. If the trust could be built back up, who's to say it can't be a healthy relationship. I'm so torn on what to do. Well alot of people will tell you to ditch him because they themselves don't know what you truely share with him. All they know of you and his relationship is text on a computer screen. What do they know? They're here for advice but I'm sure you came here for advice, not people telling you to abandon your relationship. Only you and your BF truely know what you two share, and if what you share is that important and meaningful to you, then by all means stick it out, try to rebuild what you've knocked down, or he for that matter. Everyone says its only been a month, and yeah they're right, its only been a month. You two have alot of time to rebuild, learn, and love each other.
Trialbyfire Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I know everyone thinks I should dump him, except a few people, but I just don't feel like just saying screw it and that be that. I spent some time with him yesterday, and it was nice. Some say it's only been a month, but yet I've read threads from some long timers here who already professed their love after 3 or 6 weeks. If the trust could be built back up, who's to say it can't be a healthy relationship. I'm so torn on what to do. Straight up dreamergrl, if I caught my fiancé lying about something like this and possibly cheating, I'd be gone. This would be at 3 weeks, 6 months or years. Being in love has nothing to do with it. Add in that it's a young love, whereby it's only been a month, and it would make it a quick exit.
likestolaugh Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I know everyone thinks I should dump him, except a few people, but I just don't feel like just saying screw it and that be that. I spent some time with him yesterday, and it was nice. Some say it's only been a month, but yet I've read threads from some long timers here who already professed their love after 3 or 6 weeks. If the trust could be built back up, who's to say it can't be a healthy relationship. I'm so torn on what to do. Ultimately you have to do what your heart feels is right, despite what anyone here says. I had a thread here a couple months ago dealing with my current gf... a lot of the advice was to move on, she wasn't into me, etc... a lot of which came from very trustworthy people here. It turned out to be all wrong (I'm still with her, and we've had zero problems... it's great)... mainly because everyone speaks from their own experiences, but since every situation is different there's no template that fits all.
manugeorge Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I'm not going to tell you to break up with the guy because let's face it, if we break up with people over every mistake then we will all be mateless. But also keep in mind that people who don't have anything to hide don't hide anything. In other words, someone lying to protect "your feelings" is really lying to protect himself because he knows he did something he wasn't suppose to do. In this case, it could be that he sought the ex out, or perhaps "straightening things out with her" like he claimed to do was actually the lie, his motives could have been totally different. What would have kept him from just telling you straight up, even BEFORE he met up with her, what his intentions were, that is if his intentions were truly honest? Why would he assume you would get mad at that? What is there to get mad about? His story doesn't add up, I'm sorry. When people feel it's ok to lie and hide things from the get go, it only previews what is to come as the relationship progresses, so be wary of that. As for the psycho ex, someone else mentioned it before that it's not often that a woman flips and turns psycho without the ex as an accomplice. And often, behind every "psycho ex" is a deeply hurt, often manipulated, woman who is just trying to fight back the misguided way she knows how.
chrislovestosurf Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 As they say on trashy talk shows, "girlfriend he no good!" No just kidding I think you should get to the bottom of this fast! Thats my advice....yea...thats it
Star Gazer Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I know everyone thinks I should dump him, except a few people, but I just don't feel like just saying screw it and that be that. I spent some time with him yesterday, and it was nice. Some say it's only been a month, but yet I've read threads from some long timers here who already professed their love after 3 or 6 weeks. If the trust could be built back up, who's to say it can't be a healthy relationship. I'm so torn on what to do. Those people haven't been lied to or had their trust broken. The trust has been consistent from the get-go. You don't have that. I'm not sure you ever have, so to say "built back up" seems to be disingenuous.
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