beyondsad Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 We decided to make it work after his FRIEND sent me a letter informing me of her. NC was implemented, MC and more long talks than every possible and believe or not we are ok. We spend more time together without the kids now. He has done everything possible to try to make it up to me and I think we are going to be ok. The OW is still giving me digs every chance she gets but I am not taking the bait. I would like nothing better than to kick her ass but she is a crazy and I have more class than she could ever have on her best day. I guess I am writing this to just let other women in my shoes know that I am glad I hung in there. At first I wanted him out but relented and gave him a second chance and now I am glad I did. I still check his phone and all my friends have their radars up. We had a great weekend togehter and now when he tells me he loves me for the hundreth time a day I am just going to believe him. But I feel strong enough that if it happens again his ass is kicked to the curb and I think he actually know it. What a long strange trip this has been!!
Dexter Morgan Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Anything in these "digs" from the OW that you can use to get a restraining order or turn her in for harrassment?
Author beyondsad Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 I wish - no just stupid digs mentioned to mutual friends and dumb ass comments on facebook. It probably is why my H and I are doing well. The anguish he has is actually visible when my friends and I inform him of her pettiness. We live in a small town that we all grew up in so everybody knows everything. The multitude of emotions that I have gone thru can only be appreciated by those who have gone thru it. So thank you for your response dexter I have a new appreciation for the walking wounded and I am in no way 100% intact in my marriage but in a truly strange way I am starting feel like I made the right decision for me. My H has become a humble man that in itself is appealing. 14 years together and the A took me comletely by surprise. I know now I was a good wife, good mom he just thought the grass was greaner and found out it wasn't. Again what a long strange trip its been!!! Boy do I miss Jerry
Dexter Morgan Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I wish - no just stupid digs mentioned to mutual friends and dumb ass comments on facebook. It probably is why my H and I are doing well. The anguish he has is actually visible when my friends and I inform him of her pettiness. We live in a small town that we all grew up in so everybody knows everything. The multitude of emotions that I have gone thru can only be appreciated by those who have gone thru it. So thank you for your response dexter No problem. Of course I have probably felt some of the emotions that you have, but being a man, my reactions and emotions may have been slightly different. But the pain is still mutual. My H has become a humble man that in itself is appealing. Any waywards spouse that displays anything other than humbleness and humility doesn't need to pretend he/she is working on the marriage. I see alot of these stories of BS's giving their cheater a 2nd chance, and the cheater acts like the BS should just get over it. don't think so. 14 years together and the A took me comletely by surprise. I know now I was a good wife, good mom he just thought the grass was greaner and found out it wasn't. Well mine was 8 years, so not as much invested as you, but I believe the same thing you do. I was a good husband, sure no marriage is perfect, but I gave her as much consideration as the next decent husband. But there are people here that would tell us that we couldn't have been that good of spouses to be cheated on. Again what a long strange trip its been!!! Boy do I miss Jerry Jerry?
hopesndreams Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 But there are people here that would tell us that we couldn't have been that good of spouses to be cheated on. I think those that do the cheating or contemplate cheating feel that way. It's all just a handy excuse, not a reason.
whichwayisup Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I wish - no just stupid digs mentioned to mutual friends and dumb ass comments on facebook. Tell the mutual friends to NOT tell you about it. And, cut the OW off of facebook.. Glad to hear that you both are doing well. And, even better to hear that HE knows if he cheats on you again, he's out the door.
Spark1111 Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Jerry Garcia of the Grateful Dead, I suspect. "What a long, strange trip it's been," is a famous refrain of one of their songs.
Author beyondsad Posted March 24, 2009 Author Posted March 24, 2009 Yes spark you are correct Jerry Garcia! Thanks everyone for your insights. I know ignoring the OW is the high road but as much as I hate to admit it I would still like to smack the **** out of her. Oh well I will keep believing in karma and hope she will feel the pain I have felt someday .
NewSunrise Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 but as much as I hate to admit it I would still like to smack the **** out of her. Oh well I will keep believing in karma and hope she will feel the pain I have felt someday . Don't even go there. It's all wasted energy. Be careful because sometimes these type of obssessive thoughts no matter how infrequent can cause hurdles in the recovery especially for you. IGNORE. IGNORE. IGNORE.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 But there are people here that would tell us that we couldn't have been that good of spouses to be cheated on. I think those that do the cheating or contemplate cheating feel that way. It's all just a handy excuse, not a reason. Alot of OM/OW will say the same thing.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Yes spark you are correct Jerry Garcia! Thanks everyone for your insights. I know ignoring the OW is the high road but as much as I hate to admit it I would still like to smack the **** out of her. And its perfectly understandable that you feel that way. You know what I told my xW's other man? I met him face to face after he threatened me and told him I want to buy him a beer for taking her off my hands and doing me a favor. Told him her cheating ass is his problem now, no longer mine. I took the greatest satisfaction out of that over any beatdown i could have dealt him. That was all said, of course, after I told him not to threaten me and that I was standing right there if he wanted to make a move. Told him I won't go to the cops if he doesn't. He didn't come near me.
Author beyondsad Posted March 24, 2009 Author Posted March 24, 2009 If only there was a way to forget what happened but I have yet to do that. I have reached a place of living with the pain and the hurt yet still am trying to enjoy what my husnad still has to give me. A smile, a hug a nice compliment. I can't let her get in the way of my life but It is still in me like a foreign object. I feel her jabs to me and inuendos about their time together and it is hard to avoid in this small town. The pain use to be almost physical now it is more like a ache. My H makes plans for our retirement and future without kids and it makes me feel we have a chance. If only ignoring her would make her go away but I have years of delaing with her due to kids the same age and school events and just plain small town bull****. I will just hold my head up high and follow my heart and hopefully in time I will heal all the way , but for now a great weekend and a tender moment with my H is sweet revenge.
Athena Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 I feel her jabs to me and inuendos about their time together and it is hard to avoid in this small town. The pain use to be almost physical now it is more like a ache. She sounds like a Bully -- an insecure person who tries to make up for it by preying on someone they feel powerful over, and making that person into a Victim.... in my experience, the best way to deal with Bullies is to face them, deal with them -- and bring them lots of pain for dealing with you in any way, however insignificant or small... when you stand up to them, they back off, because they are at heart, cowards.
Reggie Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Alot of OM/OW will say the same thing. Consider the source.
signedin2008 Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 If only ignoring her would make her go away but I have years of delaing with her due to kids the same age and school events and just plain small town bull****. I will just hold my head up high and follow my heart and hopefully in time I will heal all the way , but for now a great weekend and a tender moment with my H is sweet revenge. What consequences has he suffered? If not much, he will do it again if opportunity present it self. Have you get yourself tested for STDs? Has he?
hopesndreams Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I think those that do the cheating or contemplate cheating feel that way. It's all just a handy excuse, not a reason. Alot of OM/OW will say the same thing. And a lot more besides. OM/OW will use ever trick in the book to convince the cheater that what they are doing is justified. That the person they are committed to has done them an injustice by not loving them enough, not treating them well enough, whatever bit of scrap they can sink their teeth into they will poison the mind of who they are cheating with against their SO (significant other) that it's OK, we were meant to be together and poor you, being treated like crap, I will luv ya baby like no one else can! Ok, some of course fall for this line of bull and any vulnerability with someone in a committed relationship is picked up by these scum and they use it to their advantage. Geeesh, with all the single people in this world why do they have to take someone else's family and destroy it. Must be a thrill for em. It's just sick.
Author beyondsad Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 Hopesndreams - wow sounds like the OW I am dealing with. I can only imagine the bull**** she fed my H and he I am sure lapped it up. I think for my situation that he felt he wasn't happy (unknown to me) . Until his world was falling apart it didn't seem he appreciated what having a faithful loving, educated , good wife and mom he had. I am no different now yet he can't tell me enough how much he loves me and his life. It must be a personality flaw because I couldn't lay my head down to sleep, go on vacations, to kids events and make love to my spouse knowing I am lying and cheating. It is amazing I can even put these thoughts down and still feel that I want to be married, but I do. The entire episode from discovery until now at 6 months has been a soul searching experience on my part. I don't think I have forgiven him so much as try to just come to terms with the aftermath. But the OW brings out a part of me that I didn't know I had in me. I just don't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing how much she has gotten under my skin.
hopesndreams Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I think for my situation that he felt he wasn't happy (unknown to me) . Until his world was falling apart it didn't seem he appreciated what having a faithful loving, educated , good wife and mom he had. I am no different now yet he can't tell me enough how much he loves me and his life. Yeah, same with my H about the unhappiness part which he didn't bother to inform me of. When the MOW came into his life it accelerated his loss of love for me. I didn't find out about her in time, it was too late, he became obsessed with her. Funny when I look back at the end of January, he loved me to death really (so I thought) and by the time I got him to confess to an affair (Feb 12) it was over between us. At one time (not long ago) I would have chewed off my arm and leg for him to do what your H had done for you, but I had to harden my heart toward him, be tough, and move on. Survival. Man, this hurts and it effin sux, big time.
Author beyondsad Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 The OW was a MOW too. I am so sorry for all the pain your going thru. It is amazing how blind we were. How creepy that they could be the loving husbands and be having an affair at the same time. I just couldn't do it. BUT now looking back there were a few signs that when I said something to him he blew me off so maybe I just didn't want to see them. I wish I had a crystal ball to see if this will all work out. I hope I am not just delaying the inevitable. I hate to read those articles about once a cheater always a cheater . Maybe you ending it now is the better way, there has to be honest men out there who can appreciate a good woman. I know that at this point it feels I wil never trust him again no matter how many I love yous he gives me. Your right this sucks!
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