What has gone wrong?

[limbo]

To say i'm a little shell-shocked would be an understatment. My wife and i have been together for a total of 13 years and married for 11 years. We have three children, ages 12, 10 and 8. Our relationship has been through some tough times over the years, but we have always managed to keep it strong - or so it seemed!

Recently, i have noticed my wife becoming 'distant' and more than a little moody at times, even frustrated. She has also lost much of her appetite. Last week, i gave her a hug, as i often do, and asked her outright if we were having marital problems. She replied "i don't know!". Then it all came out!

I asked if she loved me. She said that she didn't feel as though she loved me anymore, at least not as she used to feel. She told of how this negative feeling had been bugging her for a while, that she had tried and was still trying to 'feel' something, because she knew that she should feel something for me. I asked if there was anyone else involved to which she swore on the kids lives that there wasn't. She says that she cannot understand it herself, she can't think of any reason behind this or why it should be happening. She feels terribly guilty for not loving me and talks about separation and 'moving on', wanting to stay friends if the inevitable did happen, though she maintains she is still 'undecided'. I suggested that she might have made up her mind to leave but feels trapped, hence the frustration. She say's that she hasn't and keeps telling me that she doesn't know what she wants. I asked her if she wanted our marriage to succeed - again she simply 'doesn't know'.

I am obviously gutted. What annoys me the most is that she doesn't outwardly appear to be wanting to sort this out. She seems happy to let things fester and fall apart, whereas i am desperate to get it sorted - and soon!

I put to her that perhaps she is suffering from stress and needs to see her doctor. She has agreed to do this but half-heartedly. We did experience a particularly stressful year in 2008. Someone my wife knew well was killed in a terrible accident. There were also other people that we both knew who died tragically. There was also a nasty break up of my own relationship with my mother, which has yet to be mended, though my mother is on speaking terms with my wife. Also my wife is a massive dog lover and one of our Dogs died suddenly last year. We have also been experiencing many issues with our eldest daughter, who started high school last september. She is nearly 12 but acts like a cocky teenager already. She has been giving her mother and i plenty of problems.

Despite everything, i'd always felt we were pretty strong. I can't understand what's gone wrong. I am almost convinced that it is stress related but perhaps i am simply 'clutching at straws' in an effort not to face up to reality. I simply cannot stand by and let this marriage crumble.

Back in June 2008 we went on holiday to Las Vegas, just my wife and i, to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary and her 30th birthday. She was extremely happy at that point, everything was perfect, she said she had everything she wanted. In total, we went on three holidays last year, culminating last December in our third visit to Florida with the kids. It appears that things started to change around that time, so she has recently told me.

Another thing that gets me is that, only a couple of months ago, we were chatting about not knowing what the future may hold. I put to her that i was happy, but that things could change. I didn't want them to, but one simply can't know what the future holds. She seemed initially taken aback by this, as if she was genuinely surprised that i'd even contemplated the idea of us not being together. Yet now she say's she had been feeling down before that. You can see why i'm somewhat confused. I love my wife dearly and she always used to tell me the same. She was always very affectionate and would seek assurances from me all the time. I do not want to break up but i fear my wife doesn't even know her own mind at the moment. Any advice?

[Artu]

Give her some space,some time to be with herself,

tell her you want her to decide herself what she wants ...

 

It happens as a midlife crisis,

but you have very high chances to fix all in your marriage ..

 

She may be just feeling tired ,a bit empty ,

but the space given to her and the time will make her mind

to the reality ,you`ll see ..

[Flying Burrito]

Let me preface this by saying I could be completely wrong.

 

I would say something either made your wife incredibly angry and resentful and she started to detach or something shook her faith in herself and in you to the core and that made her start to detach.

 

If I had to pick one thing out of everything you said, I would put my money on this:

There was also a nasty break up of my own relationship with my mother, which has yet to be mended, though my mother is on speaking terms with my wife.

Do whatever it takes to fix things with your mother, and without the help of your wife, as quickly as possible before trying to tackle anything else about your marriage.

[limbo]

Perhaps you're right to suggest that i should patch things up with my Mother. But my Mother laid some pretty serious accusations both at me and my wife, ones that were completely unfounded and totally out of order. I know through my children (for they have seen her a few times since) that my Mother regrets what she said about us and privately admits she was wrong, yet she remains reluctant to apologise. I know it sounds a little childish, but she was very much the aggressor - which in my mind begs the question "Why the hell should i apologise for sticking up for myself?"

[Flying Burrito]

I can give you two very simplistic reasons to patch it up with your mother immediately.

 

The 1st is with regard to what you just said. Your wife is willing to carry on a relationship with your mother despite the trouble and that ought to at least give you some indication of how important you all are to your wife as her family.

 

The 2nd reason is that you have shown your wife you're willing, ready and able to "break up" with your MOTHER, arguably tied for most significant woman in your life. Think man! You proved to your wife that she can be discarded the same way.

 

Bottom line: unless you patch it up with Mum, everything else will carry the taint of that betrayal. Unless she tried to kill you or has been abusing you and your family, man, that's your mum! You're a big boy and she's an old lady. Fix it.

[limbo]

Not that i wish to make it all sound like a game, but i have completed level one. Today i have finally buried the hatchet with my Mother. I rang her and we had a long conversation and exhanged apologies. There were inevitably tears - but it feels good, i have to admit.

I still have much work to do i know, but i just hope this proves how deadly serious i am about saving my marriage and that i will do almost anything (within reason) to resolve these issues.

[Flying Burrito]

Well done.

 

Say thanks to wife for being there for you, helping you to figure out to patch it up with mum. How's that? Because you followed her example, saw that if wife could deal with Mum then you should too.

 

Glad you and your mum made amends.