I'm all over the place.....a mess

[jwi71]

Deluded,

 

You claim to inform your OM of his W's A because its best for him - whilst having an A with him. The irony is one thing but what you hoped to gain is simply a mystery to me.

 

BINGO. Finally!

 

ENDING IT. That's it. Putting an end to it because the emotions were too intense. Telling him was insurance that it would end because I knew he would take action to try to save the M....and that's what he's done.

 

I came here because I didn't think it would hurt so much cuz I did the right thing by ending it. My feelings were out of control (obviously). This is a rollercoaster. One minute I feel like this....five min later something else.....it's nuts, I know.

 

What nobody seems to read: He has thanked me MANY, MANY times...PROFUSELY, even for helping him face what was happening and (in his words) "giving me the best shot of saving my marriage", "If we are able to fix this, I owe it all to you" and "I would have hated you if you had that kind of info but did not tell me what you knew" and "I'm very, very grateful. It's like this whole thing has woken her up".

 

Would you be so kind as to stop posting about your MM. If you wish, point him to LS and let him post...stop doing it for him. Most of your posts are about HIM and what HE thinks, not you. Go back and read...you'll see it too.

 

Lets focus more on YOU.

 

My first post still stands.

 

You have painted yourself into a nasty corner. Let me explain.

 

You are in a loveless soulless M. Its soul crushing. All things break with enough time and pressure. And you are NOT immune. Who on this planet would CHOOSE this? Well...you have.

 

But it isn't sustainable. You had an A. And it was heaven. And it was Hell. And take this on faith...NOTHING good ever comes from an A. The low's far outweigh the highs - we all know you have suffered far more than you share with us now.

 

And there's the trap. Staying in a loveless M is a soul crushing life just as is cheating. No matter which you choose you lose. Your children lose. Your H loses. And any future lovers lose too.

 

Luckily, it is a simple trap to escape.

 

You either leave the M and hence the trap immediately dissolves. It is in some ways easier and in others harder.

 

Or you fight for the M. And its also both hard and easy.

 

Until YOU decide, your life goes nowhere. Limbo. An emotional desert. You CANNOT live like this having proven such by having an A. And what you post isnt half of the suffering you have endured because of this.

 

And NO matter what you choose, you MUST NEVER contact the xMM again. EVER. You can NEVER be friends for every contact damages YOU and sets YOU back. You cannot claim to help him and to do what is best by having an A and still being in his life when HE decides to reconcile with the W. He is lost forever to you.

 

And..you need to ask yourself and answer why you haven't told your H of your A. I think there is ONLY one possible answer...

[datura_noir]

Yeah, what jw said...

 

I was trying to convey all that, albeit in a reader's digest/playboy article type of way.

 

I hope that you can focus more on you and your marriage.....where do you see yourself in two years??? Or five??

[bentnotbroken]

The analogy thing about telling a sister her spouse was cheating was like apples and oranges. Unless you were the one kissing your sister's husband it isn't the same thing. You were sleeping with her H and it wasn't up to you to expose anything. If you weren't going to expose yourself in the process, staying out of it would have at least shown a little maturity.

[Athena]

First off, I think I see the signs that your husband is a narcissist. And you are behaving/reacting in a typical way that a narcissist's damaged spouse would, after years of abuse and neglect. Please look up narcissism and see if you gain any insight.

 

Secondly, your absolute adoration to your 'man of the moment', be it initially your H, now your OM, is apparent by your willingness to self-sacrifice for their benefit... might be admirable in your loving eyes, but in reality NOT a good idea.

You should rather seek to cultivate a balanced and equal give-and-take loving relationship, not a one-sided martyrdom in your M, or in your A! I seriously see you unbalanced in Love. This is not mature, its not wise, and its not safe. You cannot love someone into loving you, sorry, but you cannot. It didn't work with your narcissistic H, and its not working with your OM.

You are never going to get the love you deserve from those two! So, why not focus on being loving to Yourself!

 

How to get to the 'I-don't-care' part with your OM -- first: STOP the information being kept up-to-date and current... b/c this keeps you obsessing. First step in breaking the obsession is to take your focus off him completely -- this is the way you do it: by going No Contact. At all. For any reason. Even if HE texts you, emails you, phones you and leaves you messages begging for your help and emotional support. Don't do it. In fact block him anyway you can, change your tel number, delete your email account, etc.

 

Second step in breaking the hold he has over you is to think about his Negative traits, NOT his positive traits, and about how having a relationship with him has hurt you, not how wonderful it was... in other words, if you have to think about him, then train yourself to focus on the bad stuff, not the good.

 

Next -- you have to -- nay, you MUST absolve yourself of this sense of duty you seem to have to Do Good by him!!! You don't owe him anything, okay? You don't have to prove how much you love him, nor how pure your love for him is, by Putting His Needs Above Yours!!! Let it go... its not in your job description.

 

Also -- find a positive way to keep yourself busy... go sign up for some volunteer work if you need to help someone, so long as its not OM, his W, and their M.