Author deluded realist Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 a Dday IS the last thing I want. If it's just up to me, I want him to keep me completely OUT of it. How can I explain this in a way that makes sense? It's like Samprez said....when you are engulfed in the fog and the unhealthy addiction (cuz that's exactly what this is) and going through the withdrawal and feeling the consequences of ending an A, you DO still care very much about that other person...whether it makes any sense or not or is any of your business, you just DO care if you had any real feelings for them at all. For the LAST time, I do not want to break up their marriage. If he can fix it and be happy, then I'm truly happy for him. The reasons I even bring UP the fact that he is not being honest with her are: It confuses me that he is trying to rebuild his marriage on half truths and believing everything she says is true. I GET, I GET IT, I GET IT.....WHY DO I GIVE A DAMN? NOT MY PROBLEM, OUT OF MY HANDS, DOES NOT CONCERN ME OR MY LIFE. I just see the lack of sense it makes trying to rebuild a marriage and trust based on half truths. I GET IT. I can't wait till I don't care anymore. THis is going to sound twisted, but I guess the reason I DO care is because I really did let go of something that was working JUST FINE for BOTH of us....I guess I want to feel like I'm not feeling like this for no good reason because it's still not going to work. I GET IT, I REALLY DO.....I DO.....it's twisted and why do I feel the need to be there for him to give him the advice I'd give myself---good advice---advice that, btw, does NOT include me. I'm confused that he is not wanting NC with ME. I allow myself to get sucked into the drama, thinking I can actually help somehow. That makes NO SENSE, I get it, and I can see why people keep accusing me of setting out to end their marriage and make trouble. That is not true AT ALL and frankly, that's what pisses me off the most. I stated my motives. If you don't believe me that's not my problem, but stop accusing me of something that is WAY offbase. I do not want him to leave her for me. If he leaves her for me, he will be very dissappointed cuz I'm not leaving for him, no matter how miserable I am or how 'good' things were between us. Affairs are FANTASY, they are not real....not real....not real....I keep telling myself that like a mantra, I really do. I never wanted a full time relationship with this guy. He is NOT the kind of person I'd chose as a spouse or similar capacity. AT ALL. I wanted EXACTLY what we had---something on the side that did not disrupt our separate lives. But then it started to get serious and had to end. So the idea that I want to break them up is so laughable to me. He would have no place to go if he was looking for me to be there that way for him. I can't and won't. Our 'relationship' was built on that very thing: the understanding that we were NOT LEAVING our SO's. PERIOD. Anything less felt too risky to me. I do not want the headache of being outed, BELIEVE ME. I know I need to keep all these questions to myself and detach, detach, detach.......and stop caring about whether he's happy or not. I AM THE ONE WHO EEEEEEEENDED IT WITH ***HIM*** by trying, as weird as it may sound, to try to do the *right* thing after doing the terribly *wrong* thing. Consider for a second that it's *possible* maybe I'm a bigger person than a lot of OW would be in the same situation. Someone on here remarked that I'm not cut out to be a mistress. Truer words were never spoken! I AM SOOOOOO NOT cut out for this. I am too passionate and care way too much. I mention his dishonesty because I think he's doing that to keep me hanging on (like the real reason he is not telling her is so he can still keep me as a possiblity and that's wrong, even if the other half of me is sick enough to still want to be his 'bit on the side') and I can also see how he's possibly not allowing them both the best chance to heal by having no secrets. He promised me he'd never reveal my identity and I guess I just have to believe that's true. My marriage is a loveless and very sad shell of anything it used to be. To be honest, years of emotional and verbal abuse have taken its toll and I almost do not even care about trying anymore. I stay for my kids....I know I'm inviting a whole different rant there but it's far too much to get into here and now on this post. How he handles it is his business. I DO need to stop being the shoulder he cries on and asks for advice and does not want to let go of, simply because I'm lonely and do still care and miss him very much. I get that I need to detach.....tell me HOW to stop caring.....tell me how YOU did it, if you've been here....PLEASE! Tell me YOUR story and what YOU did to get over it....that's all I came here asking for....real simple.....tell me what helped you in your situation.... I need to stop caring one way or the other whether any good comes out of what I felt like I gave up for the right reasons. It really does not matter. What matters or should matter to me now is that I got out without destroying my own family. I need to stop caring whether she is lying to him and duping him and he's falling for it and going to get hurt all over again. Why do I feel it's my job to protect him from being played again? It has nothing to do with me. None of this makes any sense to a SANE person. But I'm NOT myself right now. I'm NOT thinking clearly. Tell me, please, how did you get out of this FOG? How did you detach and stop caring about every aspect of the other person's life? I try to tell myself that what we had was an illusion and my 'part' in all of this---trying to help, give advice, all the while still trying like hell not to let my own feelings get mixed up in it all....I need to get it through my head that I do not matter here, no matter what he says and just really walk away. So how come I can't bear the thought of never talking to him again? I know that I am stupidly and willingly signing up for more heartache the longer I am involved, even as a friend. How to get to the place that I honestly DON"T WANT to ever hear from him ever again? I know I'll get there....but appreciate insight
whichwayisup Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I'm confused that he is not wanting NC with ME. Because he likes the ego feed. HE DOESN'T care about NC! You must enforce it and stick to it! And, keep telling yourself you don't care about him, and his marriage. Eventually you'll feel it and believe it. You two cannot be friends. Ever.
Lucky_One Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 If you are driving on a highway and it is so foggy that you can't see, then you pull over. NC. That's how you get out of the fog. You remove yourself from it.
whichwayisup Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 He promised me he'd never reveal my identity and I guess I just have to believe that's true It all depends on what hell he goes through at home. He may get to an anger stage and figure since he's going through hell, so should you. Have you considering coming clean to your husband?
Lucky_One Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 There has been many a BS who has figured out the OW's identity. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to find out who your husband was screwing if he confesses to an affair.
Meaplus3 Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 One word that really stuck out here in your post above^^ is Illusion! That's exactly what is was all an Illusion! Now in order for that D-day not to come you better break out of the illusion and fast. I realize it may be tough.. because of the feelings involved but, you have children and and an H to think about here. Your in control so take charge and break free from these feelings by staying away from this MM. You can do it. Mea:)
samprez Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Can't believe I'm writing this: Ok, here it goes. MW complained terribly about her H at the beginning. Didn't listen, didn't pay attention. Didn't this and didn't that. She would tell me a story and I would respond, "Wow, I can't believe that." Then she would tell me how funny and caring I was. How I was so there for her. How could my wife ever had been so lucky to have had me. Both my MW and I have kids with developmental issues, so we were even more connected. Her husband wasn't painted as the devil, but he was just uncaring and didn't pay too much attention. Then as I grew more comfortable in the A, I would complain about my wife. It was interesting, all the things I thought my MW did great I said my wife sucked at. My W is a strong woman and my MW isn't. So the way they dealt with everything was polar opposite. Wow, I was so connected to her, helping her and being there for her. Until, she realized that while her and husband had issues, he wasn't a bad guy. Too late, I was already gone, already in the fog. I was so ingrained in their marriage. I knew best for her. I could hear their conversations and understand her pain and what she needed; of course, her husband of 14 years didn't get her at all. I once told her that while he was a good guy that they were fundamentally not well matched. What a thing to say. Know how I feel about their marriage today? Could care less. If they have problems, they are their problems. Know why I think that way? At the end, after my Dday, my MW was all to excited to stay involved with me, but when things got real for her too; she ran. (Which is fine). What I learned about her then was that who she really was. And you know what, that caring, compassionate person literally disappeared in one series of text messages. And then a single phone conversation a month later under other circumstances (see other thread) and I realized; what a bitch. I realized that while I had only heard her side of the story on their marriage that his side must be very different. And then I said, "who cares!!!" I didn't care about them before last May and I won't care about them after this A. Whatever happens happens. Seriously....getting over this is seeing things for what they are. In my case, my MW ignored my NC and then when she needed it wrote, "please respect my wishes." But she didn't respect mine. Liar and cheater just like me. You need to see him for who he is...you said you read my other posts...it's as real as it gets. Does this make sense?
Author deluded realist Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 One more point I've been remiss not to state from the start: Her 'stuff' was blatantly 'out there' for anyone to see (similar vein to this site, only not quite the same) and I was looking on there because, well, I was cheating.... I knew for sure what we both suspected for 2 weeks before I told him. But FIRST I told him I loved him too and that because I honestly did care about him and could not offer him anything more than I was giving him at that time--possibly EVER--that things were becoming too serious--and scary--and we had to end it. Of course that came as a shock to him (don't women always want the men to fall in love?) but that's really what made me see the beginning of a downward spiral and even more pain than we're feeling now. I also knew he honestly did want to save his marriage, but just had no clue where to start since she refused to open up to him about things. I STRUGGLED for 2 WEEKS to tell him what I saw or not tell him. My first response was that telling him would be stupid, would effectively end our A, would hurt and devastate him completely, and why would I sign up to be the messenger? On the other hand, I also saw it as an opportunity to shake things up, get the truth, end the lies (and we would be ending too) and rebuild the trust. I did not want to be the one to tell him anything, believe me. I was happy with the way things were, until it became clear we were both veering off the agreed path. I ASKED him what he'd do and be willing to go through to get his marriage back. I asked him FIRST if there was proof out there of what he'd feared if he'd really want to know. He said absolutely, yes, he'd want to know. I described the website and gave him a general direction to go in to find what I had found. At that point, it was up to him whether he followed through and looked at it/dealt with it or not. SO. If your sister's husband was cheating on her and you saw him at a hockey game with another woman, kissing or whatever....would you feel that you needed to tell your sister to at least keep a close eye on him or would you just be straight with her because, devastating or not, it's her marriage too and she has a right to know? I get it that it's probably very, VERY rare for the OW to end an A for reasons that did not benefit her in anyway (and believe me, it doesn't). I get that most people wouldn't do that. I'm not 'most people'. Believe it or not, even liars and cheaters are sometimes capable and DO choose the high road. So did I butt in by pointing him in the right direction and then leaving it up to him to follow thru? I think not. DId I force him to face the TRUTH and end our A? Yes I did. Was that the wrong thing to do? Not in my opinion. And even though, for selfish reasons, I've wished a few times that I didn't say a word and even though I'm very sad and hurting, if I had it all to do over again, first of all, I wouldn't have been in an A, but if I were, I would do it again, even knowing the pain of it now
ezg3 Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 there is no answer or quick fix. this is heartbreak...even worse its self inflicted heartbreak. hobbies, friends, your kids, work...all white noise to your screaking heart...just need to give it some time until life catches back up. try and focus on the positives.... this too shall pass.
Author deluded realist Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 Yep, ILLUSION....fantasy....stupidity..........not what really matters....... Thank you to all.... I'm starting to feel 'heard' a bit more instead of feeling like everyone has just decided I had ulterior motives. It would have upset me even if it were true, but being here feeling the feelings because it's sooooo NOT true was like a knife in my chest. Like I said, consider it MAY be possible for even a moron like me who has lied and cheated to still be capable of doing something selfLESS, even in the midst of all the COMPLETE SELFISHNESS. Honestly, he told me he was falling in love with me and it was like I woke up out of a trance or something. Since then, I've allowed myself to fall under it again....but that's why I'm here, right? I'm messed up right now or I would not be.
Owl Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I'm still interested in a response on what the state of your marriage now, and your plans for it going forward. I'd asked earlier: I know that your H "gave you permission"...does that mean you've told him that you've been sleeping with someone else? Is he completely aware of the affair, the emotional and physical sides of it, and of your actions throughout this whole thing? If so, how did he respond? If not...why not? I understand your obsession with HIM, and HIS marriage...but part of the healing process here is intentionally focusing on YOUR marriage, and your plans for it as well. It's hard to worry about his future when you're focused on your own. It's the first step in re-directing your thought processes.
Lucky_One Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I'm starting to feel 'heard' a bit more instead of feeling like everyone has just decided I had ulterior motives. It would have upset me even if it were true, but being here feeling the feelings because it's sooooo NOT true was like a knife in my chest. You posted ulterior motives, and replies come from what you tell us. You are feeling heard because you aren't as defensive.
CaliforniaGirl Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 e If your sister's husband was cheating on her and you saw him at a hockey game with another woman, kissing or whatever....would you feel that you needed to tell your sister to at least keep a close eye on him or would you just be straight with her because, devastating or not, it's her marriage too and she has a right to know? Not if I were the one at the hockey game kissing and cheating with guy. Your analogy is flawed. You haven't seen someone getting cheated on. You were the one DOING the cheating on this poor woman. You're basically saying, "Okay, I want to do something immoral...for as long as I want to do it. Then, when I'm done, I've decided it's my call whether or not the wife now gets to know." Please.
Author deluded realist Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 a Dday IS the last thing I want. If it's just up to me, I want him to keep me completely OUT of it. How can I explain this in a way that makes sense? It's like Samprez said....when you are engulfed in the fog and the unhealthy addiction (cuz that's exactly what this is) and going through the withdrawal and feeling the consequences of ending an A, you DO still care very much about that other person...whether it makes any sense or not or is any of your business, you just DO care if you had any real feelings for them at all. For the LAST time, I do not want to break up their marriage. If he can fix it and be happy, then I'm truly happy for him. The reasons I even bring UP the fact that he is not being honest with her are: It confuses me that he is trying to rebuild his marriage on half truths and believing everything she says is true. I GET, I GET IT, I GET IT.....WHY DO I GIVE A DAMN? NOT MY PROBLEM, OUT OF MY HANDS, DOES NOT CONCERN ME OR MY LIFE. I just see the lack of sense it makes trying to rebuild a marriage and trust based on half truths. I GET IT. I can't wait till I don't care anymore. THis is going to sound twisted, but I guess the reason I DO care is because I really did let go of something that was working JUST FINE for BOTH of us....I guess I want to feel like I'm not feeling like this for no good reason because it's still not going to work. I GET IT, I REALLY DO.....I DO.....it's twisted and why do I feel the need to be there for him to give him the advice I'd give myself---good advice---advice that, btw, does NOT include me. I'm confused that he is not wanting NC with ME. I allow myself to get sucked into the drama, thinking I can actually help somehow. That makes NO SENSE, I get it, and I can see why people keep accusing me of setting out to end their marriage and make trouble. That is not true AT ALL and frankly, that's what pisses me off the most. I stated my motives. If you don't believe me that's not my problem, but stop accusing me of something that is WAY offbase. I do not want him to leave her for me. If he leaves her for me, he will be very dissappointed cuz I'm not leaving for him, no matter how miserable I am or how 'good' things were between us. Affairs are FANTASY, they are not real....not real....not real....I keep telling myself that like a mantra, I really do. I never wanted a full time relationship with this guy. He is NOT the kind of person I'd chose as a spouse or similar capacity. AT ALL. I wanted EXACTLY what we had---something on the side that did not disrupt our separate lives. But then it started to get serious and had to end. So the idea that I want to break them up is so laughable to me. He would have no place to go if he was looking for me to be there that way for him. I can't and won't. Our 'relationship' was built on that very thing: the understanding that we were NOT LEAVING our SO's. PERIOD. Anything less felt too risky to me. I do not want the headache of being outed, BELIEVE ME. I know I need to keep all these questions to myself and detach, detach, detach.......and stop caring about whether he's happy or not. I AM THE ONE WHO EEEEEEEENDED IT WITH ***HIM*** by trying, as weird as it may sound, to try to do the *right* thing after doing the terribly *wrong* thing. Consider for a second that it's *possible* maybe I'm a bigger person than a lot of OW would be in the same situation. Someone on here remarked that I'm not cut out to be a mistress. Truer words were never spoken! I AM SOOOOOO NOT cut out for this. I am too passionate and care way too much. I mention his dishonesty because I think he's doing that to keep me hanging on (like the real reason he is not telling her is so he can still keep me as a possiblity and that's wrong, even if the other half of me is sick enough to still want to be his 'bit on the side') and I can also see how he's possibly not allowing them both the best chance to heal by having no secrets. He promised me he'd never reveal my identity and I guess I just have to believe that's true. My marriage is a loveless and very sad shell of anything it used to be. To be honest, years of emotional and verbal abuse have taken its toll and I almost do not even care about trying anymore. I stay for my kids....I know I'm inviting a whole different rant there but it's far too much to get into here and now on this post. How he handles it is his business. I DO need to stop being the shoulder he cries on and asks for advice and does not want to let go of, simply because I'm lonely and do still care and miss him very much. I get that I need to detach.....tell me HOW to stop caring.....tell me how YOU did it, if you've been here....PLEASE! Tell me YOUR story and what YOU did to get over it....that's all I came here asking for....real simple.....tell me what helped you in your situation.... I need to stop caring one way or the other whether any good comes out of what I felt like I gave up for the right reasons. It really does not matter. What matters or should matter to me now is that I got out without destroying my own family. I need to stop caring whether she is lying to him and duping him and he's falling for it and going to get hurt all over again. Why do I feel it's my job to protect him from being played again? It has nothing to do with me. None of this makes any sense to a SANE person. But I'm NOT myself right now. I'm NOT thinking clearly. Tell me, please, how did you get out of this FOG? How did you detach and stop caring about every aspect of the other person's life? I try to tell myself that what we had was an illusion and my 'part' in all of this---trying to help, give advice, all the while still trying like hell not to let my own feelings get mixed up in it all....I need to get it through my head that I do not matter here, no matter what he says and just really walk away. So how come I can't bear the thought of never talking to him again? I know that I am stupidly and willingly signing up for more heartache the longer I am involved, even as a friend. How to get to the place that I honestly DON"T WANT to ever hear from him ever again? I know I'll get there....but appreciate insight
CaliforniaGirl Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 ETA (I don't know why I couldn't edit the other post): Not hanging on or holding a grudge here because of your earlier reactions; just saying...you are still rationalizing why she should suddenly "know" when before you were FINE with her not knowing...you ARRANGED this FWB thing. Do you not see that? I feel like until you do, you're still deluding yourself and you're just not going to get over this guy, which you say is your goal.
jwi71 Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Deluded, I am still uncertain as to your motivations and there is a lot of contradictory behaviors. You claim to inform your OM of his W's A because its best for him - whilst having an A with him. The irony is one thing but what you hoped to gain is simply a mystery to me. I'm sorry but you cannot take pride in saving their M whilst actively destroying it - which is what an A does. The simplest test of this is to tell his W that YOU are having an A with him. But you wont and we all know why. I also think you have not told your H about your A with the MM. And why wouldn't you? If it is loveless and simply a financial arrangement I do not understand why you are here and not commiserating with your H or friends and family. Normally, the WS comes here to keep the A hidden...is that your case? Why the need to hide this from your H - or even your friends and family? Further, why would you classify this liaison as an A to begin with? If your H is OK with your seeking emotional and sexual comforts with other men...shouldn't this simply be a boyfriend? In the open? Without fear? The point I wish to convey is maybe you are NOT being honest with yourself. I am NOT attacking you but I reserve the right to comment on things I see and how I view what YOU post. Like these, in my mind, inconsistencies in what you have POSTED and what you DO. Please do answer Owl's question. We can and will help you to the extent YOU let US. Which means drop the attitude. Which means answer our questions, The more we know the better our advice becomes. The more it helps YOU. One last thing...I haven't read a single attacking post. Not one.
Author deluded realist Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 And what about YOUR husband? You're too concerned about THEIR marriage and what goes on over there..WHAT about YOUR marriage? Does it bother you that you're lying and sneaking around behind your husbands back? Are you prepared to face your husband when he finds out YOU'VE cheated on him? You are right. I need to take off my friend hat and stop trying to be friend to him. The best thing I can do for both of us is stop talking to him. My husband does not love me. I could drop dead tomorrow and honestly, the only reason he'd care was to the extent that my absence would present an inconvenience to HIM. (btw, I've even SAID this to him and he agrees, so that should give you some idea). My H has also been emotionally abusive and over the years, killed the love I once had for him, which was HUGE. Over so many years of talking, crying, pleading, counseling, church, you name it? Nothing changes. He tells me he 'doesn't get' what he's done and after so many years, I finally believe it. He doesn't get it and it won't change. Side note: what bonded me to the OM was that both of us had loved and worshipped and adored our SO's....built our world around them, catered to their every whim...and when things stopped being all about THEM (I had babies and he had a death of family member) they turned on us. Suddenly the "fairytale" marriage we both believed we had for years came to a screeching halt. Sadly by then it was too late to have foreseen that we were creating monsters by not having any life of our own outside of this other person....lost ourselves and who we were in trying to play the role we believed we needed to play (not authentic) in order to be loved. For me, after he turned on me, the insults and belittling and putdowns (all just 'JOKES", btw) began and I couldn't do ANYTHING RIGHT anymore. And just kept going and going....to the point I felt like I was unwelcome in my own home....invisible......Prior to my A, my H had not touched me, even NON sexually, in 2 YEARS. Nothing. I live here as a ghost. I stay because he IS a very good dad and other reasons...finances is one...but there are others. We are able to get along in front of the kids and almost never argue. But we've been emotionally divorced for many years now. I just got the the point I could not stand the thought of never being kissed or loved or touched by someone anymore. I know I'm wrong, but I'm being real. I was in a whole lotta pain long before I arrived here. Now it's compounded because I'm a fool. Was I prepared? Yes. I would have taken my medicine like a big girl, taken full responsibility and dealt with it.
Owl Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 OK...you're not in love with your H anymore, nor does he love you either. And it sounds as though you're staying for the kids...only. You point out that you don't fight and argue in front of the kids, and I believe you. But I'm curious...would you also admit that you probably don't show ANY love or affection for each other in front of the kids as well? That the kids probably see you tolerate each other, and that's about the extent of the emotional discourse that your kids view when they see the two of you interacting in front of them? If so...what do you think you're teaching your kids about marriages and relationships going forward? Have there EVER been any "close calls" where your kids may have come across something related to the affair, and OM? Where you had to hurry to close an email, or suddenly hush a call in front of them? What do you think that taught them? I don't think that you've given full thought to this...you've stated that your H has been abusive in the past, has clearly emotionally disconnected completely from you (and vice versa)...and you somehow feel that this creates a good environment for your children? Kids learn about relationships by observing others. ESPECIALLY their parents. What have they learned by observing you? Your H? The whole situation?
Author deluded realist Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 ETA (I don't know why I couldn't edit the other post):you are still rationalizing why she should suddenly "know" when before you were FINE with her not knowing...you ARRANGED this FWB thing. Do you not see that? I feel like until you do, you're still deluding yourself and you're just not going to get over this guy, which you say is your goal. Okay, I can see what you are thinking and trying to say and I guess I'm a crappy communicator. 1. I do NOT want her to know. I never set out to hurt the woman. IN FACT, I never wanted to know anything about her at all. If she was a 'person' I don't think I ever could have done this to begin with. I know it's twisted but I'm being real. 2. I STILL do NOT want her to know. BELIEVE ME. Why would I bring the fury of another woman's scorn down on my own head. Even if I DID want him for myself (and I don't), why would I do such a thing? I have NEVER told him I thought he should tell her, nor would I. (Duh, right? Right. I see your point now). When I wrote my OP I was really, really a mess and just ranting out whatever. Feeling sorry for myself. Feeling alone. Feeling like I did the right thing but am the one suffering while she LAUGHED at him and did what she did (I know, I KNOW!!! I get it! I was being a child and forgetting the FACTS because I was and am still somewhat too wrapped up in this crap to remove myself from the illusion... 3. And because of said illusion, his promising to protect me and keep our mess to himself confuses me as far as his motives that DO directly concern me. But guess what? Man has no idea what he's doing right now. He's lost and I gotta let him be and appreciate that he promised to keep it to himself. And yes, I went looking for trouble. I did. Nobody but me. And I found it. And this is the reward. I hope somehow, some way in all of this mess that we can find a way to heal BOTH of our marriages and make them better. Sadly, I've pretty much given up on mine, or believe me, I could have never done this at all if I still loved my H. It's BEEN over for a long time. I'm just raising my kids and when they are grown, if it's still like this, I'm out of here.
Author deluded realist Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 Deluded, I am still uncertain as to your motivations and there is a lot of contradictory behaviors. YES, ABSOLUTELY because, as my post title would lead you to believe that I'm all over the place and a mess. One min I love him and want the mess the next I tell myself never to talk to him again....try to remember my original reasons for this.....and remind myself that even if I had not told him where to look, it was going to get completely ridiculous very soon. My behaviors have been contradictory because I feel torn between my decision and what's good and right and best for ALL involved and my own selfish desires and out of whack emotions. In other words, not exactly in the best place.....hence my coming here
Author deluded realist Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 ......and even NOW......STILL.....devoting FAR too much of my time and energy on this situation that is a lost cause and a bad deal all the way around....... Damn my emotions.......what a mess
Author deluded realist Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 Deluded, You claim to inform your OM of his W's A because its best for him - whilst having an A with him. The irony is one thing but what you hoped to gain is simply a mystery to me. BINGO. Finally! ENDING IT. That's it. Putting an end to it because the emotions were too intense. Telling him was insurance that it would end because I knew he would take action to try to save the M....and that's what he's done. I came here because I didn't think it would hurt so much cuz I did the right thing by ending it. My feelings were out of control (obviously). This is a rollercoaster. One minute I feel like this....five min later something else.....it's nuts, I know. What nobody seems to read: He has thanked me MANY, MANY times...PROFUSELY, even for helping him face what was happening and (in his words) "giving me the best shot of saving my marriage", "If we are able to fix this, I owe it all to you" and "I would have hated you if you had that kind of info but did not tell me what you knew" and "I'm very, very grateful. It's like this whole thing has woken her up".
Author deluded realist Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 OK...you're not in love with your H anymore, nor does he love you either. And it sounds as though you're staying for the kids...only. You point out that you don't fight and argue in front of the kids, and I believe you. But I'm curious...would you also admit that you probably don't show ANY love or affection for each other in front of the kids as well? That the kids probably see you tolerate each other, and that's about the extent of the emotional discourse that your kids view when they see the two of you interacting in front of them? If so...what do you think you're teaching your kids about marriages and relationships going forward? Have there EVER been any "close calls" where your kids may have come across something related to the affair, and OM? Where you had to hurry to close an email, or suddenly hush a call in front of them? What do you think that taught them? I don't think that you've given full thought to this...you've stated that your H has been abusive in the past, has clearly emotionally disconnected completely from you (and vice versa)...and you somehow feel that this creates a good environment for your children? Kids learn about relationships by observing others. ESPECIALLY their parents. What have they learned by observing you? Your H? The whole situation? NO ARGUEMENT WHATSOEVER to ALL you've said here, Owl. None. It's a very, very sad situation. All I can tell you is that I'm doing the best I can (or WAS, before I embroiled myself in an EMA like a moron) to raise my kids. As not wonderful as it is, I have not felt it was awful enough to leave, when comparing what they live with NOW to the trauma of us seperating, selling the only home they've known, and taking them away from having BOTH parents available to them when they need us. We are messed up but we are able to pull it together for the kids and be cordial and respectful (with the digs still, but I just do not engage anymore. I let it go). I feel that living a hair above the poverty line and putting them through the ugliness of a divorce is less beneficial OVERALL than them seeing their parents respectful to one other, though not affectionate. I agree, it's sad. It sucks. I hate it. But that's why I'm here.
Meaplus3 Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 NO ARGUEMENT WHATSOEVER to ALL you've said here, Owl. None. It's a very, very sad situation. All I can tell you is that I'm doing the best I can (or WAS, before I embroiled myself in an EMA like a moron) to raise my kids. As not wonderful as it is, I have not felt it was awful enough to leave, when comparing what they live with NOW to the trauma of us seperating, selling the only home they've known, and taking them away from having BOTH parents available to them when they need us. We are messed up but we are able to pull it together for the kids and be cordial and respectful (with the digs still, but I just do not engage anymore. I let it go). I feel that living a hair above the poverty line and putting them through the ugliness of a divorce is less beneficial OVERALL than them seeing their parents respectful to one other, though not affectionate. I agree, it's sad. It sucks. I hate it. But that's why I'm here. Well you know I have to disagree with you to a certain extent. Do you really think your children are going to flourish in life if they know that mommy and daddy are not happy? Sucking it up.. does not work. If your unhappy with your marriage your children are going to see and feel that. I think you should either try to fix what's wrong with your marriage.. or make an adult like decesion to part ways. Besides, I'm sure there are plenty of children that are not from wealthy households that do just fine.. because they have parent's or a parent that they see as a proper role model. Seeing disfunction between your and H is just not healthy. Mea:)
datura_noir Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I will fix you a virtual double martini:eek: before I post..... There! Now that that's out of the way, let's get to clear place: You have feelings for the guy, are still in contact. He loves his W and wants to work on it, but still talk to you. Bad idea- You and he will never come out of the fog until the contact STOPS. And it must be up to you.Don't be passive and wait for him to do it-he won't-just do it. Figure out a time and date in your head to explain all of this to your husband....he really needs to know your pain. My husband responds better to letters written or emails, because I am so emotional, and my point always gets diffused with tears. Let those chips fall where they may-your marriage is on its deathbed and you are holding an important key. Let the OM and his floozy wife work out their problems. Trust me, you will make more friends, and better friends, I can promise you that.
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