I'm all over the place.....a mess

[deluded realist]

And yes, I know, it's self inflicted and I knew better and probably deserve this.

 

To the point: I am struggling to get over my feelings for an affair I ended by forcing the OM to face the fact that his wife had been cheating on him for well over a year.

 

Both of us in loveless marriages, (me 18 years and 2 kids, him 13 years and no kids) living separate lives as roomates under the same roof.

 

Both of us devastated by our situations, we sought each other out online. We bonded immediately, so alike were our situations. I know it sounds very twisted, but part of the reason we chose to give the FWB thing a whirl was the mere fact that both of us had NO INTENTION OF LEAVING OUR MARRIAGES. And it sounds crazy now but the idea was that we could give each other what we needed in order to make our lives a little less lonely and sad and to actually HELP us to HANG ON to our marriages and not end them.

 

I stay for my kids/financial reasons. He stays because he 'loves' his wife and is too afraid to do anything else.

 

We have an amazing connection. Everything with us just meshed so effortlessly. The passion was off the charts. We seemed to be able to have our time together and then go back to our lives, just as planned. I know I felt happier and was able to be more attentive to my children and be more pleasant, just in general.

 

One problem: we were actually FRIENDS. I knew he loved his wife and would choose saving his marriage over me in a heartbeat if he felt like he could fix it. The other thing is that we were both beginning to fall in love.

 

I ended it by proving to him that his wife was indeed cheating on him. He confronted her and they are in the process of trying to slog through the mess and salvage the marriage if they can. That was a month ago.

 

I know I did the right thing (after doing the horrendously wrong thing) and I did what I did because I loved him enough to let him go. I did it for HIM.

 

Problem is now, a month later, we are still chatting online, but our contact is very sporadic, as he's been quite upset/not feeling talkative and/or is spending the time he used to spend on me talking to HER.

 

Now. In the beginning, I had respect for her position and did not see her as a rival. Before we met in person, I told him to forget me and work things out with her, but he SIMPLY REFUSED to face the TRUTH. He was not ready to.

 

He has told me several times that if his marriage has a chance, it's because of me.....has thanked me many times....and yes, on one hand I'm proud that I was able to do that...

 

On the other hand.....when I made the decision to force him to face the truth, I knew it would end what we had. I thought I could handle it. I never dreamed it would hurt this much. I'm miserable. (what did I expect? What comes around.....)

 

Now it's hard for me because I have ZERO respect for his W. My husband NEVER loved me the way he loves her. NEVER. She had a man who adored her and stuck by her side when she was at death's door for several years and still she betrayed him. I don't get it. Yes, I'm jealous. I miss him terribly and I resent the H*ll out of her that she gets to f*** up and he gives her another chance, while I get the boot.

 

But I'm totally confused. He says he will not ever tell her about our A. He says he misses me a lot and loves me, but he refuses to see me, period, which I do respect, but at the same time I feel it is because he is there with HER, kissing her a** while I'm left with my bleeding heart.

 

He thinks she is finally being honest (HA!). He says he'd have booted her if he had not been doing the exact same thing. (HA! Who does he think he's kidding?). He will never leave her because he feels he'd be nothing without her. WHAT. EVER.

 

He also thinks he is being totally honest with HIMSELF, which is the biggest "HA!" of all. He's doing exactly what he's always done: avoidance. He sees what he wants to see and pushes away anything that does not jibe with what he thinks he wants.

 

He says it's over with me if I need a definite answer right NOW, then that's what he feels is true. However, he does not rule out the possibility of 'us' in the future. Right now he's more messed up than me. His gut tells him to lose both of us and start over from square one and that's acutally probably the wisest thing he could do. He does not know what he wants right now. Half the time he wants to hurl her out the door like a Frisbee but he's such a sap, he loves her. He'll stay. I know he will. His leaving her would have actually made our 'arrangement' more UNdesirable, as I needed to be with someone who was going to stay put and keep what we had compartmentalized.

 

So---he loves me, but it is over, but there's always that chance, but he can't see me because if he sees me he's just going to continue to fall in love with me and he can't do that while he's trying to fix things with her (DUH), tells me not to wait for him (I WON'T), tells me how badly he misses me, says he's being honest with himself and that they are being honest with each other, yet he has no intention of confessing HIS affair (2 months, btw, compared to hers, which was closer to 2 years and that she would STILL be having if I had not busted her ass--oh, and when he confronted her, she still lied about it. But oh yes, she is being 'brutally honest now") Rolling my eyes.

 

We are 'just friends'......uh huh.........of course, I do consider him my friend but it's hard to do that after you've been intimate. He keeps me around cuz he can't let me go and because he is nowhere near being able to make up his mind to kick her to the curb or work it out. Of course, in the back of his mind, there is always me....

 

I'm going nuts here....wishing I could just chat with him. WTF happened here? I'm reduced to a whimpering mess just waiting around for him to sign on and IM me when she's not around? What a nightmare this is.

 

Quick, someone tell me all the things I already know but need to hear from a detached third party. I love him and don't want to lose his friendship....and I'd be lying if I said I was not hoping he'll eventually return to me--whether he stays or he goes--makes no difference to me. I'd rather him stay because I cannot offer him a normal relationship, so I'd feel bad, even though I think any self respecting man would have hurled her ass out the door. My H certainly would and as a matter of fact, if he asked me point blank what he should do with me, that's what I'd tell him. Kick me to the curb.

 

But I'm in full blown withdrawal mode here and in a lot of pain....stupid, stupid....

[CaliforniaGirl]

I know you're in horrible, horrible pain and I am so, so sorry.

 

But...forgive me. I have to ask, are you sure you "told" on her "for him"? That you were "letting him go"? Are you sure you didn't do it so he would feel justified in leaving her? Because for someone who puts the other person's feelings first and wants to let him go, you are REALLY derogatory about the wife, you have no respect for her, you roll your eyes about her affair and all this other stuff...

 

Did this backfire on you?

 

How did you find out about her affair? Just curious.

[2sunny]

what happens in his marriage is none of your business.

 

stay out of it. they have a lot of things to work through and don't need you as a distraction.

 

to be honest, you sounds like a scorned woman... a married scorned woman at that.

 

if he is willing to love and forgive her - why are you standing there criticizing their relationship and the fact that they are willing to make it work? oh ya, because that leaves you out of the equation.

 

stay out of it.

[deluded realist]

first of all, I'm privy to what happens in their marriage because we were FRIENDS for 2 months before we even MET and all this got discussed. He made it my business. Even when I've said it was none of my business, he's insisted I had a right to know and that he needed someone to confide in and lean on.

 

And YES, I DID do it for him. He told me he was falling in love with me and I realized that I was beginning to feel the same way. I ended it because it was GETTING WAY OUT OF HAND. I ended it. Do you GET that? It was the hardest thing to do because I knew I was giving up what we had (which, if I had only been thinking of ME I would have kept my damn trap shut).

 

The reason for my derogatory comments are simply an outgrowth of the pain I'm feeling from the void that's there now----a void I CHOSE for myself because it was the right thing to do. I have the negative feelings toward her because of her crass, haughty, I'm just so hot and so clever and my husband is a stupid chump comments and photos she brazenly posted in a public place. She was flippant and 'whatever' about her husband. MY FRIEND and someone I care for very much. My feelings for her come from that and the fact that he and I have talked many times since dday and believe me when I say that he is a BROKEN MAN. He is devastated. He LOVES HER and she's shredded his heart and for that, yes, whether it's my biz or not, she hurt my friend and I think very little of her.

 

And YES, it HURTS that he is spending time with her (what he SHOULD BE DOING AND WHAT I TOLD HIM FOR IN THE FIRST PLACE). Just because I didn't expect it to hurt this much after the fact, it's both unfair and unkind to question my motives. I stated them clearly in my OP.

 

I did not want a single guy. I COULD HAVE HAD MANY but WANTED a MM thinking they had more to lose and wouldn't let it get stupid. I would not LIKE it if he left her and wanted to be with me as much as I did him being and staying M to her. It just made our lives more bearable. I do not want this man for a mate, trust me. But he is my friend and yes, I love him very much.

 

So put away your flamethrowers

[deluded realist]

....And my laptop was running out of batteries and I had to go plug it in, but I was not done.....

 

And YES, hello?! It's none of my business--but ONCE AGAIN, I'm getting this info from HIM, who keeps making it my business. I question her honesty (not my call to make, I get that) because she wrote how she was 'IN LOVE' with this other man but tells her H that she's not. This went on for two years. She's not just the whoring type--she was unhappy (like me!) and fell into the arms of someone else who met a need she wasn't talking to her H about at home. Because I know she's not the slutty sort, I suspect that judging by the almost 2 year A she had with him that her feelings are probably a bit deeper than she's admitting. From what HE is telling me, it sounds like she's mostly just sorry she got caught. And yes, she does feel awful for how badly she has hurt him.

 

He honestly does not have a CLUE what he wants right now as far as staying or going and that is his business and a decision that is going to take him a LONG time to reach. When he just suspected she was cheating, he wanted her and his marriage. Since he's found out, well, he is all over the place.

 

I did the right thing but when I think of what I gave up, sometimes I wish I wouldn't have said anything for selfish reasons. But it was headed for trouble quickly because the feelings were becoming far too intense and I really DIDN'T want to screw up his life. All I ever wanted was a situation that made both of our lives more bearable, and he went into this with the same plan. When it changed, that was scary and it was time to end it.

 

But that does not mean I don't miss him and what we had a whole lot and find myself wishing I had not said anything. I'm a human being. I'm flawed. My emotions are all out of whack right now. One min I tell myself to go cold turkey and never talk to him again. The next I'm wishing we could meet and have coffee (NO SEX, I would not even go there at ALL. Even if he were not doing the best he can right now to sort all this out, he is WAY too fragile and I would not do that to him). And then there is a part of me who (yes, I know! this is so stupid!) feels open to being FWB in the FUTURE....AFTER he is clear that he's made up his mind it's either a lost cause but he's staying (which is what he'll most likely do) or he leaves.

 

I was VENTING my feelings of frustration and pain. I thought this was a 'safe' place to do that. Haven't you ever felt protective of a loved one who had been hurt or betrayed by someone else? Haven't you ever been concerned for someone in a difficult situation? Haven't you ever despised a person who ripped the heart out of someone YOU loved?

 

I know it's twisted, but human emotions many times do not make a lot of sense, right? Yes, she is his WIFE. Her position is not questioned. I am nobody and that's how it should be. But you didn't see the things she wrote and posted. It would turn your stomach. But you know what? He is a loving guy and he LOVES her and I think if he can get past this, he is going to work it out with her. And if he is HAPPY then I am happy. There was some good that came out of this mess.

 

The twisted part is that it DOES hurt that I don't see him anymore because I did the right thing and that she gets all his time and attention (AS SHE SHOULD, SHE IS HIS WIFE, THAT IS NOT BEING QUESTIONED HERE) after all the awful things she said about him and did and all the lies...I'm not contesting that. I'm saying it still hurts. That's all.

 

And if you are thinking I'm all messed up right now, you are right. That is why this post was entitled "All over the place". Little clue about my state of mind, right up front. It's a mess, the whole thing. My only consolation is perhaps some good will come of it for him. But I can't help feeling bad for me....wouldn't you feel that way too?

 

Whatever his decision, I support and respect it. Period. Case closed.

[Chrome Barracuda]

....And my laptop was running out of batteries and I had to go plug it in, but I was not done.....

 

And YES, hello?! It's none of my business--but ONCE AGAIN, I'm getting this info from HIM, who keeps making it my business. I question her honesty (not my call to make, I get that) because she wrote how she was 'IN LOVE' with this other man but tells her H that she's not. This went on for two years. She's not just the whoring type--she was unhappy (like me!) and fell into the arms of someone else who met a need she wasn't talking to her H about at home. Because I know she's not the slutty sort, I suspect that judging by the almost 2 year A she had with him that her feelings are probably a bit deeper than she's admitting. From what HE is telling me, it sounds like she's mostly just sorry she got caught. And yes, she does feel awful for how badly she has hurt him.

 

He honestly does not have a CLUE what he wants right now as far as staying or going and that is his business and a decision that is going to take him a LONG time to reach. When he just suspected she was cheating, he wanted her and his marriage. Since he's found out, well, he is all over the place.

 

I did the right thing but when I think of what I gave up, sometimes I wish I wouldn't have said anything for selfish reasons. But it was headed for trouble quickly because the feelings were becoming far too intense and I really DIDN'T want to screw up his life. All I ever wanted was a situation that made both of our lives more bearable, and he went into this with the same plan. When it changed, that was scary and it was time to end it.

 

But that does not mean I don't miss him and what we had a whole lot and find myself wishing I had not said anything. I'm a human being. I'm flawed. My emotions are all out of whack right now. One min I tell myself to go cold turkey and never talk to him again. The next I'm wishing we could meet and have coffee (NO SEX, I would not even go there at ALL. Even if he were not doing the best he can right now to sort all this out, he is WAY too fragile and I would not do that to him). And then there is a part of me who (yes, I know! this is so stupid!) feels open to being FWB in the FUTURE....AFTER he is clear that he's made up his mind it's either a lost cause but he's staying (which is what he'll most likely do) or he leaves.

 

I was VENTING my feelings of frustration and pain. I thought this was a 'safe' place to do that. Haven't you ever felt protective of a loved one who had been hurt or betrayed by someone else? Haven't you ever been concerned for someone in a difficult situation? Haven't you ever despised a person who ripped the heart out of someone YOU loved?

 

I know it's twisted, but human emotions many times do not make a lot of sense, right? Yes, she is his WIFE. Her position is not questioned. I am nobody and that's how it should be. But you didn't see the things she wrote and posted. It would turn your stomach. But you know what? He is a loving guy and he LOVES her and I think if he can get past this, he is going to work it out with her. And if he is HAPPY then I am happy. There was some good that came out of this mess.

 

The twisted part is that it DOES hurt that I don't see him anymore because I did the right thing and that she gets all his time and attention (AS SHE SHOULD, SHE IS HIS WIFE, THAT IS NOT BEING QUESTIONED HERE) after all the awful things she said about him and did and all the lies...I'm not contesting that. I'm saying it still hurts. That's all.

 

And if you are thinking I'm all messed up right now, you are right. That is why this post was entitled "All over the place". Little clue about my state of mind, right up front. It's a mess, the whole thing. My only consolation is perhaps some good will come of it for him. But I can't help feeling bad for me....wouldn't you feel that way too?

 

Whatever his decision, I support and respect it. Period. Case closed.

 

...lol. no because you brought it on yourelf!!!

 

This man is a loser, his wife is a loser, and your a loser by association.

[bentnotbroken]

I don't get how you can't respect her because she is doing the same thing the 2 of you were doing. It sounds like the pot calling the kettle black. All I see is selfishness and jealousy on your part, selfish, stupidity and lack of character all the way around.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I'm privy to what happens in their marriage because we were FRIENDS for 2 months before we even MET and all this got discussed. He made it my business. Even when I've said it was none of my business, he's insisted I had a right to know and that he needed someone to confide in and lean on.

 

I'm not trying to be mean here, but that is a classic way that married people who want to cheat start the affair. They find someone they want, or someone who expresses interest, then start trashing their current relationship under the guise of 'friendship' so that the OW/OM will be more likely to enter into an affair with them. I used to do that all the time, and trust me... it always worked.

 

Two months really isn't enough time to be friends in the true sense, but it is pretty much the amount of time it takes to go from ground zero to sex. That is the goal, anyway.

 

Sounds like he panicked when he felt himself losing his grip on his wife, and backed out to concentrate on making sure he doesn't lose her. Cheaters are funny that way. They will cheat until the cows come home, but when the person they are with does it - oh man, you will see a totally different person. It sounds hypocritical but it really isn't. Its more simple that that. A person who cheats with no intention of leaving knows that he isn't going anywhere. If his partner does though, he has no control over that and doesn't know if she will leave him or not. So, they scramble to 'fix' things.

 

It is unfortunate that you fell in love. I know it hurts, but as much as he says that he 'loves you too much' or is 'afraid of falling deeper' - that is just standard excuses that MM/MW give in order to make sure that you stay sweet (ie: you won't get vindictive and bust them), and stay somewhere in the vicinity of the back burner (in case he feels like having sex again after he is secure that his wife isn't going anywere).

 

Your best bet would be to walk away, unless you like being in pain. That is pretty much all you can expect from here on out.

[jwi71]

Deluded,

 

Your life will simply NOT improve. And the simple reason is you are NOT happy in your M. Until that changes NOTHING in your life will.

 

This "friend" will fade only to be replaced by another along with another deeper connection. More hot sex then it ends. Enter the withdrawal. The pain. The grief.

 

Rinse and repeat.

 

And you will continue to do this because you are NOT happy. And until you ARE happy, your life will be a miserable series of A's and perpetual want. What a waste of our limited time on Earth.

 

Happiness comes from within and you have none. I'm sorry for you.

 

You basically have two options.

1) End your M. It is what is causing you unhappiness so end it. And begin to be happy.

2) Work on your M. Take all that misplaced "love" and try and repair what remains of your M. Try and reclaim the happiness you once felt.

 

That's it. Simple really. I'm not sure you are cut out to be mistress. You didn't handle this A very well and I think its not a trait one can learn - you either have it or you don't.

 

Best wishes...

[whichwayisup]

You had no right to butt into his marriage. It was done not out of respect, care or love for him, you wanted to mess it up, hope that he ditched his wife FOR you. And/or create problems for him so their marriage would end..

 

Your focus is totally in the wrong place! Either FIX your marriage or end it. How would you like it if he called your husband and told him about your affair?

 

Whatever friendship you had with the OM, is over. Trust has been broken, rightfully so.. LEt him go fix his marriage and work it out, without you interferring and getting jealous.

 

That woman is HIS wife. The woman he said vows to..If he has a chance of salvaging his marriage he should do just that..

[Lucky_One]

first of all, I'm privy to what happens in their marriage because we were FRIENDS for 2 months before we even MET and all this got discussed. He made it my business. Even when I've said it was none of my business, he's insisted I had a right to know and that he needed someone to confide in and lean on.

 

Actually, you are not privy to what happens in their marriage. You were privy TO WHAT HE TOLD YOU AND TO WHAT HE WANTED YOU TO HEAR AND TO BELIEVE.

 

I give him kudos for telling you that he loves her, but you both made it clear that you wanted FWB. You are eating your heart out now, but he is not. He is where he wants to be, and he is putting his efforts where he believes they should go.

 

Just because some guy tells you about his marriage does not mean he is telling you the truth. There are ALWAYS three sides to a marriage - his side, her side, and the truth. Don't be naive.

 

And why hate HER? Why the anger towards HER? Put your anger and your emotion towards him - he is the one who would rather be with a cheater than without her. You just make yourself sound jealous and petty.

[2sure]

You have feelings for this man. You have formed a friendship and you care about what happens to him.

You have always known he would not leave his wife for you and you have been 100% ok with that, understanding because you want to stay in your marriage as well.

 

He has decided he wants to step away or take a break from his relationship with you. Because you are his friend, you have helped him see that his wife is cheating on him. Regardless of your motivation , this is a good thing because now he has all the facts so that he can work on his marriage.

 

But this leaves you, again , on your own. Your angry. At him for abandoning you or at least not making you a priority. At his wife for...lol. Well, your just PO'd.

 

You sound bitter and frustrated. As per the title of your post - possibly not yourself right now.

 

You gotta make some changes. And OM cant be a part of them.

You already know this right?

[whichwayisup]

He has decided he wants to step away or take a break from his relationship with you.

 

And I'll add: HE has every right to if he chooses to step away/take a break. You two are not a couple nor committed to one another.. It's an affair, not a out in the open loving relationship. Big difference, so don't put expectations on him or the situation itself.

[deluded realist]

WOW....I'm soooooo glad I found this "supportive community" of "non judgemental" people in which to share my grief and be REAL.

 

I never expected sympathy or for you all to say I'm in the right here. I'm not. But I've also been willing to own my actions 100% and realize that I'm only getting what I deserve for doing any of this at all. It's not enough to you people that I feel like utter sh*t, that I admit I was wrong, or getting what I probably deserve and worst of all, brought it all on myself. Some of you seem to want my blood, judging by the vitriol you are spewing my direction.

 

Just because I was wrong does not mean I deserve to be crucified . I came to this discussion board because it is supposed to exist for the sake of offering kind and constructive advice from people either going through the same thing or who have successfully come out on the other end of it a better person. I am looking to learn from the experience of other people who have been through this and have WALKED IN MY SHOES. I was looking for advice on how to best cope with the feelings I'm having right now. But I guess I'm not even entitled to mourn the end of the A because I'm such an awful person, I don't even deserve to draw my next breath because of what I've done--so I DEFINITELY don't have the right to grieve the very real loss of someone special to me, whether it was right or wrong.

 

On the other hand, I am honored to be in the presence of such honorable and flawless specimens of humanity, who have never made a mistake, never done something hurtful to another person or themselves...righteous and holy and perfect, without the slightest bit of hypocrisy...thank you for even allowing my presence at all. May you all find the same level understanding and compassion you've shown for me and probably others on here when YOU fall flat on your face and make a mistake. May you know the joy of having YOUR nose rubbed in the crap you've created for yourselves at the hands of those YOU turn to for help.

 

With the exception of a few well meaning comments here, (the tough love comments are fine-it's the ones where people take it upon themselves to tell me what kind of person I am and what my motivations are in a mean spirited way that have gotten my back up here) but except for the comments that may have been hard to read but were at least delivered in a respectful manner, this experience has been less than helpful thus far.

 

I have come on here, willing to be real and honest and bare my soul, which is not easy. The poster before this made the astute observation (not that it takes a brain surgeon to determine this) that I am a very unhappy person right now, both within and without. Thanks so much to those of you who seem to need to kick someone when they are already down. I hope you feel like bigger and better people for making a total stranger feel even worse with your mean and bitter remarks. You should all be very proud of yourselves for helping me stay just a bit more miserable just a bit longer.

 

Maybe I didn't really state what I was looking for here and so it's become an opportunity for a bit of mud slinging instead. I WAS LOOKING FOR HELP WITH COPING WITH MY FEELINGS, AND ADVICE FOR MAKING THIS PERIOD OF LIFE A BIT EASIER TO GET PAST, *NOT* LOOKING FOR ANYONE TO CONDONE MY ACTIONS OR GRANT ME ABSOLUTION. It amazes me--the spite and bitter and judgmental way people can be with a TOTAL STRANGER. You don't know me, I don't know you. If you can't be constructive and have a bit of compassion, don't you feel your energies are better used to HELP someone instead of further tearing them down when they ALREADY feel broken? Geez.

 

Maybe you all should check out another post from me encouraging someone considering an affair to avoid it at all costs because good things seldom, if ever, come of affairs. I'm not a terrible person, just a hurting one. Try to have a bit of compassion and put yourself in my shoes (even if you have to imagine yourself as a moron in order to do that).

 

Affairs are painful for EVERYONE involved. When they end, it HURTS, just like the end of any other relationship. Most of the time I feel like I need to finish what I started and dissappear completely from his life. I think that's what a true friend would do. I've told him this several times, that I need to fall off the face of the earth so he could sort this all out. He says he needs me to talk to because he does not have anyone else around him who will give him an honest opinion and that I'm really the only person that knows the whole story. I think he needs the support of his immediate family more than he needs ME. I think he and she need to attend MC but right now he does not know what he wants, so they aren't. Most of the time he wants to kick her out but says he's a sap because when he looks at her, he just can't do it. He does not need ME, but it's hard not to talk to him when he's feeling so down.

 

FURTHER CLARIFICATION: he always knew deep down that she was cheating on him but refused to face it or confront her. The only reason he sought someone like me out to begin with is because he tried to get her to open up to him but she just shut down on him more and more the more deeply enmeshed she became in her A with the OM. He actually started out chatting with me trying be obvious about what he was doing, hoping she would catch me, but she couldn't have cared less. After 8 months of her ignoring him, not giving him any attention, affection or sex, he became vulnerable to an A. We bonded immediately because we are both in the same exact boat. We both understood each other's pain--PERFECTLY. I chose him because I needed someone who would not fall in love with me (or me with them) and who would not want a full time relationship with me because I intend to stay married for reasons that really are nobody's business but mostly have to do with my children. I also chose him because it was a comfort to feel someone understood. I never said it was smart or right, I'm just stating facts.

 

So he ALWAYS SUSPECTED but he was scared to death to face the truth, because his biggest fear in life is losing her.

 

I said WHAT. EVER in my OPabout him feeling he's nothing w/o her because it's very sad to me that he sees himself as nothing and nobody without her, no matter what she does or how she treats him. I hurt for him that he feels that way about himself, because I think he's got a lot going for him and needs to not be so hard on himself or so wrapped up in her that his very self concept seems dependent upon her (or anyone outside of himself, for that matter).

 

So how else could he fix his marriage and get to the bottom of the issues in their marriage that drove her to cheat while refusing to see the truth that was OBVIOUS to me from the get-go? How was I being a friend by allowing him to fall deeper in love with me? So I pointed him in the right direction and he saw the proof for himself. And while it has been devastating to him, he has thanked me many times for making him deal with this and hopefully fix things.

 

When we started out, there was an immediate connection and I felt like we were friends. At first, I was able to keep all my feelings compartmentalized. But he was starting to fall for me long before I realized I even cared for him very much. When he told me he was falling in love, I realized that I really DID love him enough as a friend to let him go and that is what I tried to do. Since then, I've realized my feelings for him went even deeper than I realized even at that time. I still think I need to finish what I started and stay out of the way so he can fix it if it can be fixed. Just because that's the right thing to do doesn't make it EASY. It's hard. It hurts. Not that my feelings matter here at all.

 

And I also do not feel he is being honest with her OR himself by trying to cope with HER affair, while still concealing the A had with me. I'm confused by this as well as by his comments that he loves and misses me and does not rule out a chance for 'us' in the future when he figures out what the heck he's going to do (the way it was--FWB, albeit friends who DO have genuine and deep feelings for each other-- but not a full time relationship--which I can't give him and do not want, anyway) I still email or IM with him when he just needs to talk to someone about how badly he is hurting. And yes, even though I'm trying to be there as a friend, I admit I am somewhat selfish for talking to him still, because I do miss talking to him daily.

 

This entire A lasted 4 months. It was a very EA for 2 and a half months before it progressed to a PA for the remainder of the time. I don't know who here is qualified to say thatthe 4 months (now 5 because it's been a month since we've seen each other) 2 months or even 2 DAYS is not long enough to be a friend to someone in 'true' sense of the word. That's complete and utter BS. Maybe YOU are not capable of being a TRUE FRIEND to someone in the space of four months, but that's YOU, not me.

 

I have backed off completely except to answer him when he IMs or emails me. I get that I probably should not be doing that, either.

 

Again, all I was looking for was the wisdom and experience of someone who has ACTUALLY WALKED A FEW MILES IN MY SHOES and can offer advice and encouragement based on their own experiences and HELP me get over and through this. Those of you who were not stupid enough to find yourself in my shoes--good for you--I commend you for your sense, morals and restraint. But I don't need your mean comments, thanks.

 

And I DON'T hate HER. I realize that she is just like me and fell into the situation she did for reasons that are probably similar to mine, if not identical. It's just that, whether I have any right to have any feelings on the subject, one way or the other, it was 2 things that got to me: 1) seeing in her own words how flippant she was about the fact she was cheating on him and saying how stupid he was because he had no clue and professing her feelings of 'love' for her OM, when I KNOW how much he LOVES her, yet she just had this callous, "Ha, ha, ha! I am just hot sh*t and he's too stupid to catch on" attitude.....it hurt even ME to see that and 2) Also seeing exactly HOW LONG she had been carrying on like that, all the while lying to a man who LOVES her with all his heart.

 

My heart broke for him, seeing that. But the truth spurred him into action to hopefully get back whatever it was that got lost enough for both of them to cheat.

 

And just MY POV, not that it matters, it's one thing when your husband no longer loves you anymore and could care less what you do (mine even gave me permisssion because he does not care about me anymore) and you do this, but I just can't understand how anyone who did have a H who loved them so much and stood by them when they were deathly ill and worships and adores them could do this.....and take it so lightly. So forgive me...if YOU had a friend who was being betrayed and lied to and YOU saw that, knowing how much your friend LOVED the betrayor....are you saying you wouldn't have a few choice negative feelings for that person too? Oh, I keep forgetting. So many of you are so gloriously ABOVE that.

 

I'm done here. I don't need to defend myself or my actions. I'm sorry I put any faith or hope in this community at all. What a dissappointment.

[CaliforniaGirl]

You're not being crucified. People are trying to take you to the bottom line just like they've taken themselves to the bottom line in unraveling their own situations in the past. The first two posts were a lot more gentle, you'll notice. Then you took off in a fury at the board in general and, well, I imagine at that point people decided, "Fine, I'll just tell her exactly how it is."

 

That's my take on it.

 

You don't want to explore all possibilities, you want to scream and rail on anyone and everyone you've asked to help you in this thread. How do you expect people to react?

 

I UNDERSTAND that you're hurting BUT there are a lot of people here hurting and they aren't belligerent, furious, and 100% unwilling to look deeper into themselves for answers.

 

As for this being a supportive community, etc., did I miss that? Yes, it's a support forum, but your descriptions of how "nonjudgmental" this place is supposed to be don't seem to be on a sticky anywhere (unless I missed it, which is a possibility). Did you even read any of the threads here before posting? Or did you jump in, demand answers angrily, hate any answers you were given and THEN decide this community is unsupportive?

 

Yes. You're hurting. No kidding. I acknowledged that; I notice you glazed right over that part. You're seeing what you want to see, and right now you want to be angry. At strangers. And people aren't putting up with that.

 

Get real. Look at how you're acting. Then take a deep breath, try to pull yourself together, and start healing.

[2sure]

Seriously, you have to relax a little.

You know and acknowledge what both you and OM have done is wrong. So, I understand your frustration at receiving responses you feel are judgemental or even insulting.

 

But you have to understand how you sound right now. I can tell from your posts that you are sensitive, intelligent, & articulate...but you sound as though you feel entitled to something more from this OM.

 

You're not. You ARE entitled to grieve the relationship, you are entitled to vent and to work through your feelings - be they anger, guilt, betrayal.

 

Keep posting. Even the responses that are negative will allow you to continue to vent or explain...and in the process you will probably find you are working through your feelings.

[whichwayisup]

And I also do not feel he is being honest with her OR himself by trying to cope with HER affair, while still concealing the A had with me

 

And what about YOUR husband? You're too concerned about THEIR marriage and what goes on over there..WHAT about YOUR marriage? Does it bother you that you're lying and sneaking around behind your husbands back? Are you prepared to face your husband when he finds out YOU'VE cheated on him?

 

Sorry if my response to you was harsh, but you honestly need to get your priorities straight. You're married, for 18 years and have 2 kids. What about your family?

[Lucky_One]

And I also do not feel he is being honest with her OR himself by trying to cope with HER affair, while still concealing the A had with me. I'm confused by this as well as by his comments that he loves and misses me and does not rule out a chance for 'us' in the future when he figures out what the heck he's going to do (the way it was--FWB, albeit friends who DO have genuine and deep feelings for each other-- but not a full time relationship--which I can't give him and do not want, anyway).

 

So?

 

So what if he is not being honest with her? It's their marriage, and his right to deal with their issues the best way he sees fit.

 

If you don't want a full time relationship with him, then WHY do you care about what he is doing in his marriage or what he is telling her?

 

I have NEVER seen a OW WANT the MM to tell about their EMA, unless the OW thought that there was a chance that it would make the BS kick the MM out and the OW and MM could then live happily ever after. You don't want a happily ever after, so him telling about the EMA can only lead to negatives for you and for your marriage. She could force total NC on him, she could tell your husband.

[CaliforniaGirl]

So?

 

 

I have NEVER seen a OW WANT the MM to tell about their EMA, unless the OW thought that there was a chance that it would make the BS kick the MM out and the OW and MM could then live happily ever after.

 

Oh wow...bingo.

 

Was thinking the same thing...but didn't relish the thought of more rocks being thrown at me.

[samprez]

Some skinny for you...

 

I know you are hurting. I've been there recently and to some degree currently. But when you're head is in the "fog" of the relationship, it is impossible to make good decisions and to see this from any other point of view. Despite the fact that I felt totally connected to MW, the reality is what outcome could I have expected. A's are NOT sustainable. They can't work in the long run. Once feelings get deeply involved, it becomes very hard to separate logic from the emotion of the relationship. No matter how much you "feel" you feel, the facts are that in almost every case married A partners can almost NEVER go anywhere but down.

 

When I step back and think back over the entirety of our relationship, I keep saying to myself, "what was I thinking?" In the long run, discussions of "love" and fantasies of what life would be like with one another were just that, fantasy. There was never a chance that we were going to end up in each others arms no matter how nice the idea sounded. But the fog contaminates this and makes the feelings seem more real. Now, I'm not suggesting that the feelings aren't real, but the path to acting on them is wrought with danger, risk and dishonor.

 

Here's what you are left with at the end of these things. A hurt and severely damaged spouse. A bruised ego and sense of loss about yourself. Self loathing. Bills. I have IC and MC bills. Nice huh? Not only the end of the A but very likely the end of any relationship with that person. I have felt bad or down at some point for almost everyday since my R began last year; how about you? And at the end of this; and you can't see this now, you will laugh again. I promise.

 

The rest of the skinny is that the OP may recover quicker or not at all. Right now, I have no idea what is going on my MW life; someone whom I used to know intimate details of. Guess what, who cares? I wasted time and energy on her instead of my wife, my work and my friends. You can't see this now, but getting blown clear of this; no matter the hurt and pain is a great thing for you.

 

There are BS out here that use this forum to attack WS...ignore them. Seek the answers for yourself. I have a great friend of mine that asked me if I were giving myself advice on my crappy situation, what would I tell me. Funny what I said...try it for yourself. I promise you, brighter days ahead.

 

I forgot. I used to care about her marriage too. Guess what, not my problem. I figured that if she chose to stay with her H, he gets to have HER. My wife emailed her husband and we've heard nothing, thank god. In the end, her problems; their problems, are theirs. I have my own like you do. No matter what happens to them, you have to deal with your home. I am well into this now, and I understand this better than you will know.

 

I was so engrossed in their lives that I lost focus on mine. I could give a rats ass about her H and her. You need to get there.

[bentnotbroken]

OP, I guess I don't understand why you feel as if you should make this/these feelings easier on yourself. Why should it be easy. It certainly was easier not to be here in the first place. But since you are here, what is it you expect, to move on without minimal amount of pain? Or do you expect to dull the senses that they didn't breakup? Do expect a salve to ease the conscious? I am unclear on what you were hoping for.

 

 

I have seen no one wanting to crucify you, but restated what you posted. They didn't judge, just used your own words to tell you what they saw. You have had people in your shoes respond. Why not tell your H and see if he can help your feelings of guilt, anger, jealousy, loneliness, and being unsatisfied in your own marriage. That is where your healing will began, not on a board full of "judgemental" people.

[Owl]

I've been thinking along the same lines of WWIU.

 

I know that your H "gave you permission"...does that mean you've told him that you've been sleeping with someone else? Is he completely aware of the affair, the emotional and physical sides of it, and of your actions throughout this whole thing?

 

If so, how did he respond?

 

If not...why not?

[Lucky_One]

In MY EMA, the last thing I wanted was a D-Day.

 

Why is it so important to you to have one?

[Meaplus3]

You had no right to butt into his marriage. It was done not out of respect, care or love for him, you wanted to mess it up, hope that he ditched his wife FOR you. And/or create problems for him so their marriage would end..

 

 

That is exactly the same way I see it after reading the OP's post.

 

OP, You need to end the online friendship. My goodness how could you even consider yourself any type of friend after telling him about his wife's affairs? That was not your place. Really, you need to focus on your marriage and YOUR life with H not this married man and his now messed up home life. If you want to do him a favor then you will leave him alone.

 

Mea:)

[whichwayisup]

And I'll add this too: Fact is, you messed in his life, there's a pretty good chance he's going to mess in yours, so maybe you should start thinking about how you're going to deal with the fallout when he calls your husband. This could be a total case of tit for tat. You mess in my life, I'll mess in yours.