Judythatsme Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I've been with my boyfriend for almost four years now. He's very sarcastic and likes to make jokes, and sometimes he goes a bit too far...I'm not sure if he's crossing that emotional abuse line. An example...we went to dinner with my friends the other night. During conversation with my friends, he said something like "judy's so klutzy all the time..." "judys often confused a lot, it's okay..." "judy doesn't know what way is up, what way is down." ..all these little jokes. anyway, after dinner, i told him i wasnt cool with those..and he said, he jokes and thats the only way he knows to make conversation..is by joking and poking fun. He said he doesn't know my friends, and that's all he can think to talk about with them..making joking comments. I said .."well, maybe you could tame down your jokes about me, they kinda sting a little.: and he said, well, "we may as well not hang out with your friends anymore..it can't be fun for me if I have to watch what I say. I won't have fun. I joke, that's who I am. you know that. I won't change myself" =( opinions? My gut says if he really he cared he wouldn't be making jokes that offend me. (even tho he says they are mild and shouldnt offend me) Is it wrong of me to ask him to change, just a little? just tame down the jokes?
luvstarved Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Well I can think of a few things that might be going on here, but my first question would be, how long has this been going on and why is it only coming up as a topic of conversation now? Why does he not know your friends after 4 years of being with you? Offhand I would say that he feels insecure with your friends, a little jealous, maybe knowing that they know you possibly better in some ways than he does. Does he do this primarily with your friends or anytime, anywhere? Whatever the circumstances I would say that it boils down to insecurity... But, while I can understand some degree of not wanting to have to "walk on eggshells" or change one's personality from his side, from your side it seems perfectly reasonable to ask him to try not to do things that you find hurtful. And the fact that they hurt you should be the only justification you need for making the request. It honestly doesn't sound blatantly abusive to me, just little digs to try to pump himself up in some weird way. Sometimes it can be hard to determine what is a reasonable request and what is essentially asking someone to be someone else. But there IS a line, so his assertion that he need not make any modifications for your sake is showing an unwillingness to engage in an actual mature relationship. Perhaps the next time he makes such a comment you should just laugh and say "XXX(his name) is so clueless about relationships. He just doesn't get the concept of mutual respect."
Author Judythatsme Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 It's been going on awhile, but not often, and mainly just with the friends. For some odd reason. I agree, it's not a hard thing to ask. keep wondering if its a deal breaker, you a know sign that he's not as into me as I am into him..I'd do anything for him, if it hurt him. It hurts to not have that reciprocated. I guess we haven't hung out with my friends a lot. it's most of the time us two. That's my prob my fault right there.
angie2443 Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Jokes are one of the best ways to hurt, control, humiliate another person because if they say to stop, you can just turn around and say "can't you take a joke". These jokes are abusive in a very subtle way. I'm guessing he does it in front of friends to add public humiliation. My guess is that if they continue they will get worse and they will erode your self esteam. I might be wrong and the only way your going to know is to talk about it. If he stops, then he's respected your feelings. If not, then I'd leave. I've been in a simular situation. It will just get worse if you don't stop it now.
JackJack Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Jokes are one of the best ways to hurt, control, humiliate another person because if they say to stop, you can just turn around and say "can't you take a joke". These jokes are abusive in a very subtle way. I'm guessing he does it in front of friends to add public humiliation. My guess is that if they continue they will get worse and they will erode your self esteam. I might be wrong and the only way your going to know is to talk about it. If he stops, then he's respected your feelings. If not, then I'd leave. I've been in a simular situation. It will just get worse if you don't stop it now. I agree with this.
quankanne Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 it can't be fun for me if I have to watch what I say. I won't have fun. I ... I ... I-I-I. No mention of apology for hurting you, I see. So yeah, it's subtle, but still psychological abuse in my book. And definitely a deal-breaker IMO, because if he cannot respect you enough to control his mouth, he doesn't deserve to be your man.
openbook08 Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I agree with this. i also agree & have been in a similar situation. im a lot brighter, cheerful and happier now that he is in the past. and its amazing the amount of people who have commented on 'how well i look' or how im 'glowing' these days. i also asked him to stop & got the same reaction as you. and the exact same excuses. im not telling you to dump him, every situation is different & youve gotta do what feels right for you. my self esteem took a severe battering & i didnt even have the presence of mind to realise. i wouldve done anything for him also, what youve gotta learn is not to do it at the expense of your own happiness.
sugarmomma Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Look up the definition of sarcasm Sar"casm\, n. [F. sarcasme, L. sarcasmus, Gr. sarkasmo`s, from sarka`zein to tear flesh like dogs, to bite the lips in rage, to speak bitterly, to sneer, fr. sa`rx, sa`rkos, flesh.] A keen, reproachful expression; a satirical remark uttered with some degree of scorn or contempt; a taunt; a gibe; a cutting jest. To tear the flesh. Sarcasm has no place inrelationships and if you ask him to stop he should. If he doesn't think enough of you to stop hurting you, you have a decision to make. Do the right thing
The Collector Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Lots of women like being teased in this way. If you are not one of them, you two could be a bit of a mismatch, so ether you accept his joking doesn't mean he has a low opinion of you (it almost definitely doesn't, if his other behaviour is 'nice') or he should compromise a bit in light of your discomfort.
Meaplus3 Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Jokes are one of the best ways to hurt, control, humiliate another person because if they say to stop, you can just turn around and say "can't you take a joke". These jokes are abusive in a very subtle way. I'm guessing he does it in front of friends to add public humiliation. My guess is that if they continue they will get worse and they will erode your self esteam. I might be wrong and the only way your going to know is to talk about it. If he stops, then he's respected your feelings. If not, then I'd leave. I've been in a simular situation. It will just get worse if you don't stop it now. I agree 100% with this. It sounds like my marriage to a T and trust me it only got much worse. Your best bet is to nip this in the bud now if possible to save yourself from having your self esteem driven into the ground. I feel for you. Mea:)
DragonSlayer Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 Yes, that's abusive. I get that from my wife. She'll disparage me in front of people and then say "You never laugh at yourself. You need to chill out", etc. Although it's not extreme, that's a textbook example. Good one from my wife when I didn't park where she would have: "Wow, for being such a smart person, you really don't have any common sense" That stuff is damaging after years. Time to set boundaries...and it's not going to be easy with a person who clearly likes to overstep them to feel more powerful.
Surfer Girl Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 I think a man that loves you doesn't put you down in front of his friends... It is humiliating and hurtful..... He should stick up for you... It makes for a much more positive relationship when you know he says good things about you....
DragonSlayer Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Yep, it is. That's the point, I guess. Power over the other person...
Recommended Posts