CaseInJust Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I am feeling really stuck lately and I hope I can get some objective advice. I married my husband two years ago. We were nine months into dating seriously and talking about eventually getting married when he lost his job one day. It wasn't that surprising since he was having alot of issues at work which was causing immense stress. He had already been in this country for 6 years. Because of the circumstances (he was on a visa) we had three choices. We break up and he goes back to his country of origin, I move to his country of origin or we get married. So we got married. Not exactly the way we wanted things to be but not everything can be perfect. The stress was unreal. Since we were in the middle of getting a greencard, he was not able to work for several months. He owned a home at the time and blew through his savings before he was legal to work. He eventually found work but it didn't pay very well and it wasn't exactly his dream job but it was work and money started to come in. Our sex life suffered during this time as he was too stressed to have sex. I took it pretty hard thinking it was me but he assured me it was all the stress. Since then, I have established he has a low libido and the minute work stress happens (which is pretty much all the time) the sex is out the door. This still continues to this day. Then he found another job with a start up company which didn't pay much more then the job before but he liked it a bit more although he felt it was boring. He came home at normal hours i.e. 6pm and we were happy. My work allowed me to also get home at a reasonable hour so we had quality time together. This lasted for about a year. Then when the economy tanked, all signs pointed that the company was going to go under and lose funding. He went on the hunt for a job and found one.. a REALLY good paying, high profile, challenging position. The problem is, it was in a city I had NO DESIRE to live... basically, I grew up in this area and just was and currently NOT interested in it. In January, I quit my solid job at a well known company after five years (It was really hard to do!) left the city I love and moved to this new city in another state. We lived apart for 4 months as he moved for the job first and I finished out my work and the current lease we had. The condo where we live is a two steps down from our previous place and we pay MORE. Mainly due to the high cost of living. I can't find a job to save my life AND the annoying side of my family lives about 60 miles away and won't stop NAGGING ME to come and see them!!! THese are people that you can tell to F off and they won't get it. The worst part is, I NEVER see my husband. He is working 12 to 13 hour days and traveling alot. When he gets home, he is exhausted, takes a shower and goes to bed. Forget about sex, that's on the back burner. Alot of the time he doesn't know how to drop the job off at the door. He gets in bed and opens up his computer and does email until late at night. Romantic I know:rolleyes: One weekend we went out for the day to the local tourist attraction and he kept checking his phone for email. He literally wasn't there mentally. I would ask him a question and he wouldn't even hear me. I demanded to take the phone away from him but he wouldn't give it to me. This is pretty much how it is ALL the time. He has always been tight with money... He makes 200k a year... we have a joint account and he questions me about what I spend. I am telling you I don't buy ANYTHING for myself for fear of having to justify it. I buy what the house needs and that's it. I did get my hair done (first thing I did for myself since I quit my job) and thought he would let that one go but no, a few days later out of the blue I hear "wow, amazing what it costs to get your hair done!" I have taken on the role of housewife which I NEVER want to be EVER. But, I do the laundry, cooking, cleaning because I am not working right now and if I didn't do it, believe me, it wouldn't get done. I get no thank's whatsoever. However, I do get critized for small things. He starts fights before he leaves to travel. I can't figure it out but yesterday morning, it started. I wanted a few hours with him and the first thing he says is "THIS PLACE IS A MESS!" By the way, he has what I think is OCD. When he says this place is a mess, it's because there is one glass on the kitchen counter. Seriously. We still have some things around the apartment but that's because we have NO storage. We don't own that much but some things could use a storage unit. We really don't know where to put everything. I suggested a tiny storage unit but when he found out it was 60 bucks a month, that was a no-go. Sigh. So when he was freaking out about the random things that "have no place" I said "yeah but you don't want to pay for a storage unit!" and he said "no, that's not true, I just didn't want to take the time to bring the stuff to the storage unit!" WTF? Visual:me pulling out my hair! THen he said "why don't YOU get a a storage unit, you have all day to do that stuff. Ouch. At this point, I almost lost it. That was what he was putting me through RIGHT before I drove him to the airport. We love each other and he tells me he loves me several times a week but I miss my husband and I would like more appreciation. I try to make an effort in pushing the sex thing. One night, I offered oral sex for NOTHING in return and I said "are you too stressed for that?" and he said "yeah, obviously" What man turns oral sex down for nothing in return?!??! I'm tired of being criticized for the little things. He admitted that this is a fault of his and agreed he needed to ease up and be more appreciative. I'm having a hard time too. I feel I have sacrificed alot lately. I feel lost, displaced, unappreciated, rejected, lonely.. Advice please?
CaliforniaGirl Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 OMG. I'm sorry, I know this won't help you, but we are seriously married to twins mysteriously separated at birth (with the exception that my husband was born in the U.S.) I will be watching this thread with interest. My husband is never really "there" either; is constantly on his Blackberry, even on the rare occasions that we're out; appeared to have a great libido at first but now isn't interested (hmmmmmmm); makes good money but is SO tight with it and freaks out at certain expenses I've asked about (like a housecleaner twice monthly because I work from home, have two special needs children and my life is a hectic nightmare 99% of the time). I wish I could help you. I wish I could help me! Hugs to you. I'll be watching this thread.
luvstarved Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I have been on both sides of this equation and FWIW at least from what you wrote, I think your situation sounds pretty hopeful. There are resentments on both sides I think - you for having to move away and be neglected and not have a job to go to, him for working his azz off and generating the money and things not being done while you have all this "free time". You might not be digging all the free time, but I have been in his boat too and it is not always a joy to have to worry constantly about work stuff. But, work is supposed to facilitate your personal life, not vice versa. it is a great sign that he is able to be self-aware and admit his issue with not being appreciative, etc. because you do need to talk to him about this and work toward a solution...a solution which will probably not perfectly satisfy either of you, but will make things better and hopefully be "enough". I would not approach it so much from what he needs to do for you, but more from how you feel and how he can help...i.e., that you are lonely and want an intimate (emotionally as well as physically) relationship and that circumstances are not allowing that...and what can the two of you come up with to improve that? I would also start this conversation with some forethought...have some suggestions in mind and also think of his side of it...he probably feels a lot of work pressure so the less pressuring and demanding you come across, the better... I have been in that work-stress scenario and it is no fun...he might enjoy the work, but the pressure can be crushing. So, you might suggest that him finding some downtime, where he puts the work completely aside, is in his interests too. All work and no play is not healthy. He might balk at this at first, with you-don't-understand or I-have-to-work-like-this-"SOMEONE"-has to or similar, but I think it you persist to him with the perspective of working-to-live not living-to-work, over time you can help him ease up a bit. Ask for appointments for starters if you have to. He might not be ABLE to relax without some intervention. Don't ask for tons at first...maybe one-two hours a week of uninterrupted couple time. I know I have been so caught up in the corporate hamster wheel at times that if someone did not knock me off, I would have just kept going until the heart attack came. So try doing that for him. I also know that when I was knocked off, it was hard at first to let go, but over time, I was able to find a better balance. Maybe something like a back rub for him or something, that is meant to be relaxing without sexual pressure, but which, if it works well enough to relax him, will lead to sex!! They don't pay him $200K a year, though, for nothing. He will probably always have to work a fair amount of hours. But as with all things the law of diminishing returns kicks in eventually...and if you don't start working on this the only thing that will grow is mutual resentment. So another suggestion I would make is for you to find other things to fill your time that don't include him...you HAVE to have couple time to have a healthy marriage, but you don't want to spend the apart time stewing over your unmet needs either. Bottom line is that you both need to consider the other's needs and work together to strike an acceptable balance...
quankanne Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 don't know what to advise on the rest of your post, but I CAN tell you the fight-picking before he leaves for trips away from home is definitely tied into his guilt at going. He picks a fight so that he doesn't have to listen to you tell him that you don't want him to go, that you miss him, or even that you understand his work takes him away and you can live with that. My husband was the king of this whenever he had jobs that took him away from home, so that our time together was spend fighting, rather than being little honeymoons because we WERE together. sit him down and tell him that you don't appreciate what he's doing. That if he feels uncomfortable or bad about having to go, then just say so, it's not like you're looking to blame him for something that's part of the job ... but only if this is how you feel!
Mr. Lucky Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 So another suggestion I would make is for you to find other things to fill your time that don't include him...you HAVE to have couple time to have a healthy marriage, but you don't want to spend the apart time stewing over your unmet needs either. I wondered the same thing when I read your post as there was much info about what he's doing and how you feel about it, but very little about you and your life choices. If he travels (and you're not working), what do you do while he's gone? What do you do when he has to work late? Not as a couple but you personally - what interests do you have? Mr. Lucky
Author CaseInJust Posted March 24, 2009 Author Posted March 24, 2009 Not sure what you mean by life choices. I have a college degree and had a good solid job before I quit it to move to another state with my husband. I haven't been able to find another one since moving. No surprise there. My interests include art. I actually do it but haven't lately as I have been feeling uninspired. No surprise there either. I have been catching up with old friends since my new location is fairly close to where I grew up. That's been nice but one can only do so much of that. I would make this current place where we live (we both don't like it too much) a bit nicer but my husband doesn't want me to spend any money doing that yet he wants it nice. He doesn't want to pay for storage so there is alot of stuff around. It's a clean place, but some things haven't found their spot and probably won't since we have no storage here. Luvstarved- I agree that there is probably resentment on both sides. I remember saying this would happen once we made this life change. He said, I hope you don't remind me all the time that I "made you quit your job" and I told him I wouldn't.. and I haven't...all I have been doing is trying to make things easier for him. For instance, he is so scattered brained, he loses his wallet all the time, I make sure this doesn't happen. I even charge his mobil phone every nite. It's the little things like that. Quankanne Never thought it might be out of guilt that he starts these fights before he leaves. Now that I think about it, he did say he hates leaving when I asked him to not start s*#( before he leaves. I don't understand that mentallity. I think it's eroding to the relationship to pick fights and bark at me before he leaves for several days. He has the knack for being a very critical person so that hurts as well.
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