NC - What goes on in OM mind's?

[Heather1]

We've both initiated NC before, but the situation was just getting started. This time I said NC about 7 days ago. I've been doing OK, but so much is going on in my mind it's unbelievable.

So here's my story...good friends for 2 years & lots of stress in my life for a long time with no family or friend support. OMM kisses me....and so the story goes. He's always SUPER remorseful after any kind of physical contact, which actually makes me feel a lot worse too. In Jan., I told him I loved him right before we had NC for 6 weeks. Over a month ago, we "met." He got ahold of me a week later (out of town), to say we're "friends" again and how remorseful he is about everything again. That worked for about a week, until I completely fell apart & told him I just can't be friends.

I just have to ask....why did he get ahold of me to meet him for sex for the first (and last) time when he knows I love him? I wish he would have just left me alone. I can't imagine him just using me, since we'd been friends for a long time before this. Given the information that I loved him, you'd think he'd take that and really back off if he knew I had more feelings - as a friend. Can any of you OM explain this?? I'm crushed on a lot of levels here.

[LucreziaBorgia]

A good deal of men don't connect sex and love the same way women do, and particularly not in affairs. For you, your pairing was a culmination of your love for each other. For him, it was simply long overdue sex.

 

'Friends' is what MM call it when the guilt sets in, regardless of what they are or are not feeling inside. It is an excuse to indulge in the least guilt inducing way possible.

 

Think of it this way: would a real friend leave you feeling like you are now? No. But a lover would. A real friend would have never have let it get to this point, and particularly not when they know how you feel.

 

Never confuse a true friend with someone you have having an affair with. By definition, a real friend wouldn't have an affair with you.

[desertmoon]

OM: "I miss her....I hope she breaks down and contacts me..."

[Heather1]

Thank you both.

 

Honestly, I wouldn't know a real friend - a lifetime struggle I gave up on. He knows this. His last email said he hopes I find some friends because I deserve them.

 

I'm a good friend to others, it's just my "picker" has always been broken. This is the first time either one of us has been in an A, and it was VERY gradual w/ lots of steps back. But you might be right on the overdue sex for him. I asked if I was a conquest, and he said "no." I told him we had different definitions, he was totally into me until I was totally into him & professed those stupid words I've said to 3 men my whole life. Stupid.

[nadiaj2727]

I have a lot of questions; sorry, but I'm confused. I don't know if I'm following the story right.

 

OMM kisses me....

 

What does OMM mean? Do you mean "Other Married Man?" If so, does this mean that you are married too?

 

He's always SUPER remorseful after any kind of physical contact, which actually makes me feel a lot worse too.

 

How did you feel before he was remorseful? How would you have felt if he hadn't been remorseful?

 

In Jan., I told him I loved him right before we had NC for 6 weeks.

 

Hmmm... was this a coincidence? Who initiated the NC? What was his response when you told him you loved him?

 

 

Over a month ago, we "met."

 

What does "met" mean? Do you mean that you guys previously had a long distance emotional affair, and then you finally got to meet in person for the first time and it became physical?

 

I just have to ask....why did he get ahold of me to meet him for sex for the first (and last) time when he knows I love him?

 

That was definitely not nice of him. I guess he knew you were available and he had this connection with you and he decided to take advantage of it. This is why I wonder what he said when you said you loved him. If he didn't say he loved you, then I guess my question is why you would respond to his contacting you and meeting him up for sex? Were you hoping that he loved you too? Did you think at the time that you were okay with him not loving you?

 

It sounds like you told him you loved him, he never told that to you, yet he wanted sex from you and you gave it to him... I am sorry this happened and it sounds like a hard learning experience. But now you know the truth, he used you plain and simple, and you can stay far away from this "man." Good luck.

[Heather1]

Did you think at the time that you were okay with him not loving you?

 

Maybe I was OK with it? What I'm having the hardest time w/ is the huge rejection & him wanting to be "friends" now. My H knows everything, and he understands. I'm so mad at myself for being so vulnerable & having the worst you can imagine come out of it. Instead of a "normal" relationship, where intimacy brings you closer together, it's been the exact opposite. I've been going to classes & a therapist a CODA classes to rebuild my marriage. One of the things they said in my CODA class is you get close to people by being vulnerable & that's how you become "friends" with people. I had tears in my eyes....man or woman, if I get vulnerable with people for a second, they leave. My H is the exception, but I swear I think the man has some sort of aspergers (sp?) because he has no feelings really. I rely on myself for everything, and I'm a total loner. Make that a heartbroken loner. Yeah, he probably figured the whole 2 years he's known me that this would happen, and now he's done.

 

This time I initiated NC - he's probably relieved.

[Heather1]

What does OMM mean? Do you mean "Other Married Man?" If so, does this mean that you are married too?

 

Sorry, don't know how to do quotes. Yes, married 18 years.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Heather1

In Jan., I told him I loved him right before we had NC for 6 weeks.

Hmmm... was this a coincidence? Who initiated the NC? What was his response when you told him you loved him?

 

He initiated NC out of the blue, and I said I didn't want to hurt him or his family, so I understood, but told him I loved him. His reply was, "I know."

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Heather1

 

Over a month ago, we "met."

What does "met" mean? Do you mean that you guys previously had a long distance emotional affair, and then you finally got to meet in person for the first time and it became physical?

 

No, we talked to and saw each other all the time for the past 2 years. We kept going back & forth once we kissed, to friends. We weren't in contact for the 6 weeks, and after we were in contact again we still didn't see each other. Then he wanted to meet & I guess I thought he'd changed his mind? I don't know. That was 5 weeks ago, and I haven't seen him since. He's kept in touch, hot & cold, until I told him last week this was a rollercoaster that I'm not used to & want to be "myself" again.

[LovieDove24]

What is CODA class? You say that your husband knows everything and he understands? Isn't he upset, angry or ready to divorce you? I'm sorry to be another person asking all sorts of questions but I am also a bit confused...

[whichwayisup]

I asked if I was a conquest, and he said "no."

 

He isn't stupid and he isn't going to say 'yes' to your question. That was a loaded question so he took the safe answer.

 

I think you need focus more on either fixing your marriage or ending it, reguardless of what the OMM does or doesn't do. You're fixating on HIM and what he is thinking or feeling.. What about your husband? What about those 18 years of marriage?

[Heather1]

Co-dependency classes, my Dad's an alcoholic.

 

He told me I wasn't a conquest, I didn't ask. Maybe to make himself feel better? I don't know.

 

I am working on my marriage, it's been a rough road that's too long to describe.

 

I just want some support I guess. I did the right thing, and I wondered what OM think when the the OW says "no more, I need to get off." I'm beating myself up, so none of you need to worry about making it worse.

[wildsoul]

I just want some support I guess. I did the right thing, and I wondered what OM think when the the OW says "no more, I need to get off."

It doesn't matter what he thinks.

It doesn't matter what he thinks.

It doesn't matter what he thinks.

 

Now, repeat after me...

[jwi71]

Exactly what Wild said...and um, wild, you have been missing in action...how about an update?

[samprez]

Who cares is right. You can't win this game.

 

If they think of you and miss you, to what end?

If they have moved on and don't think of you, to what end?

If they think of you and no longer feel the same way, to what end?

If they don't think of you, to what end?

[Owl]

Double agree with Wildsoul.

 

Where you need to focus your attention is OFF of OM...and on your future.

 

Do you plan on reconciling/rebuilding your marriage?

 

Do you plan on divorcing?

 

Does your H know of your affair?

 

Focus on these things...stop worrying about OM.

 

Your own future is at stake here.

[Heather1]

Thank you all....

 

It's only been a week, so I'm obsessing a little. Yes, I told my H and have been taking relationship classes, etc. & trying to build part 2 of our lives. Like I said, not by any fault of our own but health problems & deaths for the last 10 years kind of took it's toll finally on me. My H understands that, he's the one I've been taking care of with no help from family or friends. Now he's the one taking care of me, I'm a mess.

 

If OM loves me to death or used me to no end, it doesn't matter. All I can do is control my emotions. I'm trying. Thanks for that input, I chanted it all day.

[Heather1]

So I guess is now it's just stick to the NC plan. I will see him Friday at work, the first time since what I'm just going to call the "booty call." The next Friday, I'll see him again & then I'm home free for awhile & we'll miss each other.

 

Help me out w/ the NC so I stick to it. How do you all stick to NC? I haven't been able to do it. Granted, this time I'm REALLY crushed & can't handle another second of rejection. Still, I'm afraid I'll cave since I haven't seen him & he's SUPER charming.

[jj33]

I will skip over the moralties of your marriage etc because that wasnt your question and you have enough going on. Hang in there it will get better.

 

I had to deal with my xMM at work frequently. What I tend to do now is if I see him in person and we dont have to speak, we dont. I dont approach him at public gatherings, I dont go over to speak to people when he is speaking to them. Theres nothing to say. We are so far past the point of normal banter and so much water is under the bridge, that its not even comfortable to see him and try to make chit chat. (Do you really want to ask him if he how his weekend is after he hurt you? Didnt think so).

 

If we see each other in person and we do have to speak, I just say hello (its too obvious if someone is standing in front of you and you arent polite) and after the initial pleasantries are out of the way, I excuse myself. Last time I just made something up and walked away.

 

When its a work related discussion, finish it and WALK AWAY. Just say excuse me or thank you or whatever is appropriate.

 

This OMM is not that charming. He MAY have been charming before he broke your heart, and others may find him charming but just remember, he hurt you and he will could do it again, given the chance. So when he brings out the charm offensive your internal dialogue is been there done that not doing it again. You smile and say excuse me and dont stand there while he pours on the charm.

 

Its a mental shift. He can only charm you if you are buying what he has to sell. Now that you have seen his true colors, you can see through it. Think of swarmy lechy men that try to charm you and you just say not if he was the last man on earth.

 

What you need to do is ACCEPT that this man has nothing to offer you that you want. The only way you will find him charming is if you are focusing on the fantasy that if he wanted to etc etc he could give you what you want.

 

I had the same questions, why does he keep coming back when he knows I love him and he has nothing to offer me... etc etc etc. There were no answers other than he was selfish. He wasnt thinking of me. He was thinking of himself. And finally I stopped asking because there is no other reason. We can make up justifications but they arent real. Or he might say but you wanted it too, I thought you were OK with it. People assume if you go along with them its because you are on the same page.

 

Your actions have to be consistent with what you want. You cant rely on him to have the same feelings and perspective you have. And I know that must be tough because he was such a good friend.

 

You need to vow to yourself that you will NEVER be in that position with him again. Its like burning yourself on the stove. Once youve been badly burned, you make sure you dont get so close to the flame again. You have to power to make sure that doesnt happen. Exercise it.

 

This may be a cynical view but it works. Self protection is not a bad thing, you need to look after your heart.

[Bluebird In My Heart]

See it for what it is - BS.

 

 

Every time he moves his lips, he is lying.

 

Keep repeating that to yourself.

 

He is lying. To you, to himself.

 

This is, in my view, the most important thing for you to realize.

 

 

Am I saying he is consciously lying? No. He doesn't want to know if he is. Then, he would have to face what he is, and oh we can't do that, now can we?

 

Do not trust him, ever. Nothing he says means anything.

 

So. He's full of it. Not only that, it is more insidious than that - and very, very common. He is someone who can rationalize/justify anything he wants to do...and "feel bad" about it later.

 

How pure.

 

All of us do this justification thing to some degree or another - the ability to say one thing and do another so we can hide behind this wall of moral superiority and "I didn't know, oops! Someone got hurt!" in the end.

 

Yet most people have their conscience whisper to them at some point and they put a halt to it.

 

He doesn't, because he wants to do whatever he likes, and doesn't let a little thing like the future - or anyone else's feelings get in the way of that -- when he feels like it.

 

Dangerous frame of mind when he has shown he can take it THAT far.

 

Look what it did to you already.

 

You can't trust him. At all.

 

 

You can NEVER be vulnerable around him again.

 

 

If you ever feel you want to again -- examine your motives.

 

 

 

Who cares is right. You can't win this game.

 

If they think of you and miss you, to what end?

If they have moved on and don't think of you, to what end?

If they think of you and no longer feel the same way, to what end?

If they don't think of you, to what end?

 

Perfect.

 

 

You will get out of the fog, Heather, and see how pointless and destructive it was.

 

I'm REALLY crushed & can't handle another second of rejection

 

Personally, I think that is the crux of what you have to deal with: the feeling of rejection. You had to know it is going nowhere on some level this whole time. I'll bet it was the source of quite a bit of torture for you.

 

 

Knock this sucker off his pedestal, and build yourself up, please!

[Heather1]

I REALLY appreciate this input...

 

It is the rejection that hurts the most. The first time we kissed, it was fine because I was feeling the same way & really freaked out about it.

 

I don't know, we've been friends for years but now I wonder if it just was a 2 year conquest. He always flirted w/ me, but I just thought he was "out of my league" and didn't think much more than that about it.

 

Because I hadn't heard from him, when he made his "booty call" I thought it was because he missed me & decided he loved me too. He went out of town, and got ahold of me a week later & was icy cold. Then he said, "Love was never an option for me" and that he felt really bad about everything. The way we became closer was because 3 good friends of mine had died, and I was in a very vulnerable, "life is short" mode. He was pursuing me, and he was the first person I called when the 3rd friend died. I can see how this all came about for me & he was probably just waiting for me to be in crisis to make a move. I've never come close to anything like this. A mild EA when I was under A LOT of stress 10 years ago.

 

Anyway, I will heed your advice. The guy I work w/ Friday knows a little (from seeing us interact mostly) & will help protect me. I can't tell anyone I work with, because the guy's dad & my boss are best friends. That, and the last thing I want is to be open season at work.

 

So he got his conquest & I'm just DONE. It's all just manic and awful & I'm not used to this at all. I had NO warning it would be like this!! Until we kissed, he was so charming and flattering towards me. I just thought the rejection was guilt & I understood. I certainly didn't want to hurt him about his family. Now I see it was his "out." Great

[willing]

Because I hadn't heard from him, when he made his "booty call" I thought it was because he missed me & decided he loved me too.

This is the problem -- somehow the woman 'assumes' the OM acts as she would, and that he comes back again because he 'realizes' he had made a mistake, missed her, loved her, but more likely than not, she doesn't ask him.... she just thinks this is the reason... but it's not. It is him wanting 'some' and coming back to get it.

[boldjack]

Heather, You've broken your marriage vows. Cheated on the only person who cares about you. Don't you feel a tiny bit of remorse? Here you are worrying about the OM and you haven't said 5 sentences about YOUR responsibility for the A. It's not ALL the OM's fault. You went willingly to bed with someone who wasn't your husband. Maybe you should look to yourself, and let the OM deal with his own problems.

[taylor]

This is the problem -- somehow the woman 'assumes' the OM acts as she would, and that he comes back again because he 'realizes' he had made a mistake, missed her, loved her, but more likely than not, she doesn't ask him.... she just thinks this is the reason... but it's not. It is him wanting 'some' and coming back to get it.

 

Do you honestly think the OM would have clearly stated he was only making a "booty call" if she DID ask him why he came back?

[willing]

Do you honestly think the OM would have clearly stated he was only making a "booty call" if she DID ask him why he came back?

Nope, but you'd be surprised how many OM gleefully state that they don't feel bad, for they didn't lead the OW on, SHE 'assumed' he loved her, he didn't state it.... So, to answer your question -- I think his response would have been telling, in itself. My guess is that he would wriggle out of her direct question of "did you come back because you realized you loved and missed me?" and she would be alert for the words of 'I love you' missing. He would only resort to the 'L' word as a last resort.... but he would first try to sidestep it.

[Heather1]

Just so you know on my H & marriage, it's a VERY long story so I didn't post it. My H knows everything, so is that cheating & lying?? I warned him many times during the friendship that I was attracted to the guy.

I'm trying to deal w/ this part, so I at least see if my M has a shot. I'm going to classes, counseling, etc. to see what brought this on in the first place & finding my part in it. So yes, I cry & am remorseful every night to my H, I'm just not posting that side.

I realized too, how that first kiss happened in the first place. I received an email from a friend who I thought was sending me a travel blog. It turned out, it was a "say your last words" blog. I did, and he died the next morning. Instead of turning to my H (who asked me never to speak to the man who passed away, because he was jealous of him), I turned to the OM & told him. The weekend of his funeral, I ended up going to a friends house because I knew my H wouldn't go with me to the funeral. The day before I went to her house was when we first kissed. The OM supported me & my H didn't. He had been my support for a lot that year (last year was REALLY hard - with no help) & I guess I fell in love.

He was a good friend, and I should have left it at that. I put myself in a spot that I normally wouldn't have been in. I'm very good about keeping my distance. Sometimes I wonder if my H didn't give me the green light so that if we got divorced, I'd be the bad guy?? Everyone feels bad for the BS & I can tell you now that A LOT happens before things turn into a PA with months of prevention by everyone, including spouses.

[taylor]

Nope, but you'd be surprised how many OM gleefully state that they don't feel bad, for they didn't lead the OW on,

 

If you know a person loves you and you know you don't love them back, it's easy for you to use them and take advantage of them. IMO, it's the responsibility of the person who is not emotionally involved to look out for the feelings of the other..to not use those feelings or take advantage of those feelings for their own selfish agenda. To do so exhibits a lack of integrity and that person should feel bad not only for leading the more vulnerable person on, but for his own lack of character.

 

FWIW, I think men and women both have this responsibility to each other since they both can find themselves on either the vulnerable or the controlling side of the relationship.

 

He would only resort to the 'L' word as a last resort.

 

So what you are saying is he would eventually boldface lie to her and tell her he loved her to get "some." So what good would it do asking him in the first place? Even if he tells her he loves her, it doesn't guarantee anything. It certainly is not a "green light" to give in to sex if more than likely he is lying and it means nothing.