notae Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 First a little background, I reunited with a man that was my best friend for about 15 years from the time I was about 16 years old. We always had a connection, were very close, but always remained platonic friends, because neither one of us wanted to jeopardize the good friendship we had. Eventually, we chose separate paths, married other people, and had our respective families. Here we are now both in our 40's and seeing each other exclusively for over a year now. I have 2 daughters from a previous marriage, and he has 2 (12 and 15) as well, that live out of state. We took a vacation this past summer, his younger daughter (then 11) was with us, his older daughter did not come. The summer vacation went great-- everyone got along well for the entire 2 weeks -- we didn't have one incident. Cut to Christmas. We got all of the children together for about a week and it was a disaster. The addition of the older child just threw a monkey wrench into everything. We were good for about 2 days ... then it was dad, can I get this, dad, can we go there. She was never happy with anything and she was "bored" after 48 hours, crying and drama included. He spent most of his time with his wallet open trying to pacify the older one. Then the younger of his children started to follow suit. Then there were problems amongst the kids when there none before. Then he and I started to have disagreements. I couldn't wait until the week was over -- and I left feeling like we weren't going to be able to do this. After I was gone, the older daughter started in on me to dad, even lied and said I called her a b*tch, among other things and the younger sister backed her up. I don't trust either of them now. My relationship with the oldest is non-existent, and my once good relationship with the youngest is damaged -- I can hear it in her voice on the phone. The relationship between the 4 kids is strained as well. A couple of months ago, the house that I am renting was put up for sale and we planned to move me to another home, this weekend. Spring break rolls around and he decides that he’s bringing his kids out for a visit and has bailed on me for the move. Trying to be understanding, I expressed my disappointment, but understood because they are his kids. However, I feel he was wrong to offer this week up to them for a visit, when he had made a prior commitment to me months ago My immediate problem, aside from my now solo move, is that my boyfriend's behavior towards me and my children changes drastically when his children are there. He hardly calls, and I won't call there because the girls answer the phone and eavesdrop on our conversations when I do. I can't text because the oldest always has his phone and I'm not sure who I"m texting with half of the time. On the rare occasion that he does call, our conversations are strained, he's not verbally affectionate like he usually is. When I'm physically there and his girls are there, he's not physically affectionate either. I'm beginning to feel like I'm a gap filler for when the kids aren't around. I've tried to discuss this, he says it's me, and then follows it up with how "I just don't want him to see his girls", but that's not it -- I just want his treatment of me and my girls to be the same when his daughters are visiting, as it is when they are not. I feel like maybe I've made him a priority in my life, when I'm just a convenience in his. I don't know. He's good to me and my girls, he loves us, he wants to get married, but I worry about what my life will be like in the future if we are sharing a house and we get these visits. I don't want to be put on the shelf and then taken off when his kids aren't there. His daughters’ visits are a disruption to our relationship and I want to find a way to make it okay and comfortable for everyone so that there is no resentment. The girls know how to "work" daddy, they've been doing it since his divorce,and I think that they don't like that they aren't able to run the show when I'm around. Our relationship is being damaged and resentment is certainly being created by this situation. I’m very interested in hearing everyone’s thoughts on this, particularly the men.
flash582 Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 My immediate problem, aside from my now solo move, is that my boyfriend's behavior towards me and my children changes drastically when his children are there. He hardly calls, and I won't call there because the girls answer the phone and eavesdrop on our conversations when I do. I can't text because the oldest always has his phone and I'm not sure who I"m texting with half of the time. On the rare occasion that he does call, our conversations are strained, he's not verbally affectionate like he usually is. When I'm physically there and his girls are there, he's not physically affectionate either. I'm beginning to feel like I'm a gap filler for when the kids aren't around. I've tried to discuss this, he says it's me, and then follows it up with how "I just don't want him to see his girls", but that's not it -- I just want his treatment of me and my girls to be the same when his daughters are visiting, as it is when they are not. I feel like maybe I've made him a priority in my life, when I'm just a convenience in his. I don't know. He's good to me and my girls, he loves us, he wants to get married, but I worry about what my life will be like in the future if we are sharing a house and we get these visits. I don't want to be put on the shelf and then taken off when his kids aren't there. His daughters’ visits are a disruption to our relationship and I want to find a way to make it okay and comfortable for everyone so that there is no resentment. The girls know how to "work" daddy, they've been doing it since his divorce,and I think that they don't like that they aren't able to run the show when I'm around. Our relationship is being damaged and resentment is certainly being created by this situation. I’m very interested in hearing everyone’s thoughts on this, particularly the men. Don't try to be a mother, a friend, or to have any type of relationship with his kids. Whatever you try, they will sabotage. Frankly .... to his daughters, your just the lady who's banging my dad. The harder you try the worse it will get. STOP trying ..... but don't take any crap (don't be mean, just be firm). As far as he's concerned ... he's being put in the position where his kids don't want you around because you're compitetion. He's between a rock and a hard place and is being manipulated big time. My take on this is to stop expecting anything from the relationship right now. Don't be cold, but don't be as available either. Go on with your life and see him or don't see him. When he sees that you don't need him to have a life he'll get real interested, real fast. If you stop letting the kid's crap bother you, they'll quit .... because misbehaving isn't getting them what they want, which is to WIN the competition and punish you at the same time. The only way to win is not to play the game.
Recommended Posts