johan Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 It just happened. It's a "I know what I want" state of mind. Don't worry so much about it. Some people say it's important to get to a point where you don't really care. I think what's more important is to get to a point where you aren't putting loads of pressure on yourself to be something you aren't, and you can live with whatever outcome you get. Of course you always care. If you didn't care, you wouldn't bother at all.
IcemanJB Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 This is kind of a broad question, but I'll try to answer it: I've learned I'm most confident (in dating among other things) when I honestly, deep down, do not care about the outcome. It's when I'm indifferent that I seem to make strides. It sounds kind of counter-intuitive, but whenever I'm trying desperately to get with a girl, it never happens. Then I just say "forget it", stop caring, and BOOM a girl comes along and the rest is history. I'm not saying this is the case for you, but when I'm indifferent about something, I don't worry (as much) about what I say, which means I'm generally funnier and more confident sounding. When I'm desperate and nervous, I close up and sort of "freeze". For me it fluctuates between the two, as I haven't found out how to completely control it. There, I tried.
Author Lights Posted March 22, 2009 Author Posted March 22, 2009 It just happened. It's a "I know what I want" state of mind. Don't worry so much about it. I do know what I want. It's not made much difference, though... I think what's more important is to get to a point where you aren't putting loads of pressure on yourself to be something you aren't, and you can live with whatever outcome you get. That's why it's wrecking me. I'm DAMNED sick and tired of the outcomes I'm getting! I'm not trying to be something I'm not. I'm just in a lot of pain from having forever been somehow less than nothing... Of course you always care. If you didn't care, you wouldn't bother at all. Yeah. That's why I always get confused why people go around about not caring about the outcome (Why in the world would I expend scarce time and resources to go and do things that I didn't care about?). This is kind of a broad question, but I'll try to answer it: I've learned I'm most confident (in dating among other things) when I honestly, deep down, do not care about the outcome. It's when I'm indifferent that I seem to make strides. It sounds kind of counter-intuitive, but whenever I'm trying desperately to get with a girl, it never happens. Then I just say "forget it", stop caring, and BOOM a girl comes along and the rest is history. How does this happen? I've "given up" and "stopped caring" before. It's plenty good for accomplishing other things in life (especially non-social stuff). But nothing changed in the arena you mentioned. There, I tried. Thanks. age, experience, trial & error That tactic may yield a result in another couple centuries at this rate. I don't suspect I'll be alive that long, though...
IcemanJB Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 Well then you've already got a good start. How often would you say you're in a position to talk to women you'd be interested in? Next is just to accept every invitation that might have even the slightest potential to meet women. If you're in the mindset that you stated earlier, it should only be a matter of time. Would you say you're a generally funny person?
johan Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 Just try to relax. Face the fact that you're going to be on your own for a while. Find other things to do. Be open minded and lighten up on yourself. I think most guys go through long periods of being single.
alphamale Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 That tactic may yield a result in another couple centuries at this rate. I don't suspect I'll be alive that long, though... then you are doing something MAJORLY wrong, innit??
Author Lights Posted March 22, 2009 Author Posted March 22, 2009 Well then you've already got a good start. How often would you say you're in a position to talk to women you'd be interested in? These days, rarely. They're quite scarce in my life. But this part is reasonably understandable, though; most of it's just bad luck (I have a guy-heavy daily life and guy-heavy personal interests, and I've learned better than to spend my time doing things I'm not interested in just for the sake of demographic optimization) and no one's really to blame there. So I don't have a problem with that. Next is just to accept every invitation that might have even the slightest potential to meet women. If you're in the mindset that you stated earlier, it should only be a matter of time. Would you say you're a generally funny person? Not really applicable. I don't get invitations, especially not from women. Which mindset are you referring to? If you're referring to that of not caring, then how would it apply? If I didn't care about outcomes, then I wouldn't bother to socialize. I don't enjoy the social minefield in and of itself; its value to me derives entirely from the outcomes. If I didn't care, I'd spend the day/night alone, whether at the gym, or playing a video game, or reading, or whatever. I don't believe I'm a generally funny person. I might very occasionally have a joke or the like, and I'm capable of humor, but that's where it ends in my experiences so far. Just try to relax. Face the fact that you're going to be on your own for a while. Find other things to do. Be open minded and lighten up on yourself. I think most guys go through long periods of being single. I agree, that's all I ever really do about it anyways (be on my own and find things to do). I have no problem with being single. I'd like to enjoy being single. But "single" is not to be confused with "involuntarily dateless and sexless". And being unable to even get women to recognize my existence has been driving me out of my mind. By lighten up on myself, how do you mean? For y'all, thank you a lot; it's already helped a bit getting some of this out.
Author Lights Posted March 22, 2009 Author Posted March 22, 2009 then you are doing something MAJORLY wrong, innit?? If I knew what, I'd have done something to change it provided I knew how. That's why I'm asking advice.
IcemanJB Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 I'm just about to graduate college in probably the most guy-heavy major out there (computer science / computer engineering). My job has me in front of a computer with 2 other males, and one married female in the branch of the office. I like working on cars in my free time. Also, playing paintball and racquetball, so I'm right with you there in the guy-heavy activities. But I've never let this hinder me in the past; you just gotta use EVERY opportunity available. I'm talking about things like: asking a random acquaintance to lunch, just for the off-chance you might talk to a pretty female there! I'm not saying do things that you don't enjoy, but just try doing new things (with better female/male ratio) just to see if you like it. IMO, there's no such thing as bad luck in dating. If you meet a girl that you click with, it matter VERY little how many awkward moments, weird comments, or strange habits either of you have. It will work out. The trick is FINDING these types of girls, and that means getting outside the comfort box. Ah, so you wouldn't ever socialize just for fun? I hate bigger gatherings myself, but small groups of 10-15 people where there are some new faces are fine. What types of socializing would you do just for fun, WITHOUT any sort of end-goal in mind?
Author Lights Posted March 22, 2009 Author Posted March 22, 2009 I'm just about to graduate college in probably the most guy-heavy major out there (computer science / computer engineering). My job has me in front of a computer with 2 other males, and one married female in the branch of the office. I like working on cars in my free time. Also, playing paintball and racquetball, so I'm right with you there in the guy-heavy activities. But I've never let this hinder me in the past; you just gotta use EVERY opportunity available. I'm talking about things like: asking a random acquaintance to lunch, just for the off-chance you might talk to a pretty female there! I'm not saying do things that you don't enjoy, but just try doing new things (with better female/male ratio) just to see if you like it. Yeah, I've tried new things when I've had time. (Not happening right now, but once some other issues in my life get sorted out I'll try to fit some more of that sort of thing in.) As far as every opportunity available goes, I've often had to rely on "whoever's-around" on-the-spot approaches purely because I don't get to choose where I am when someone passes by. But again, the demographics situation isn't something I'm quite so worried about; at least it makes some sort of sense. IMO, there's no such thing as bad luck in dating. If you meet a girl that you click with, it matter VERY little how many awkward moments, weird comments, or strange habits either of you have. It will work out. The trick is FINDING these types of girls, and that means getting outside the comfort box. I'll take your word for that. (I can't verify anything of that nature myself.) Ah, so you wouldn't ever socialize just for fun? I hate bigger gatherings myself, but small groups of 10-15 people where there are some new faces are fine. What types of socializing would you do just for fun, WITHOUT any sort of end-goal in mind? Most recently, mainly just the occasional meetup with friends (and even contacting them involves an end-goal [that of setting the meetup up]).
alphamale Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 If I knew what, I'd have done something to change it provided I knew how. That's why I'm asking advice. exactly how old are you young man???
Author Lights Posted March 22, 2009 Author Posted March 22, 2009 exactly how old are you young man??? I'm in my late 20s.
alphamale Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I'm in my late 20s. thats around the time i started figuring things out, maybe a few years before...
Author Lights Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 thats around the time i started figuring things out, maybe a few years before... Whatever. It doesn't change the fact that blind trial and error hasn't ever been of use to me.
BobSacamento Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Positive feedback has always been a big help lol
You'reasian Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Location, location, location. When I lived in one city, I had an awesome date every other week - finding a girlfriend was no problem. When I lived in another - I was lucky to have a decent date every other month. No worries. Keep doing what you're doing and don't sweat it. Things will change if you make a move or pick up a new hobby.
alphamale Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Whatever. It doesn't change the fact that blind trial and error hasn't ever been of use to me. so basically you learn nothing from your mistakes or successes?
colosseum Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 It sounds kind of counter-intuitive, but whenever I'm trying desperately to get with a girl, it never happens. Then I just say "forget it", stop caring, and BOOM a girl comes along and the rest is history. I'm not saying this is the case for you, but when I'm indifferent about something, I don't worry (as much) about what I say, which means I'm generally funnier and more confident sounding. When I'm desperate and nervous, I close up and sort of "freeze". I, in my early 20's, am also like the OP trying to figure out this dating thing and what I think I'm coming around to is what Iceman said; it never works if I try. Lately I've been really trying to absolutely NO avail. But now I'm seeing now that when I didn't try, as I was doing before this recent trying ordeal, I had so many prospective dates I didn't even realize. I guess it's like golf; the best shots happen only when you don't try and don't think about it. S***. I hate how counter-intuitive all this is.
colosseum Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I just thought of this: QUESTION: Is what I wrote about above what is meant when people say that one needs to "drop all expectations" ?
samspade Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Men: How did you first gain real confidence in your dating abilities? I stopped caring about outcomes or whether or not I had a girlfriend, and just had fun. Whenever I've been most carefree (but with some direction and ambition) is when I've had the most interest from women. There are a lot of little things you can do to attract women but in the big picture, being happy and loving life are the foundations of all that.
monkey00 Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 The worst tends to happen when you start overthinking an analyzing the situation too much. You get nervous, anxiety, and stutter on words. That was how I used to be my first couple years of college. I think dating is always a continual learning process as each person is different and reacts to different situations. Some major milestones for me gaining confidence was just to force myself into social situations with regular people, guys and girls ...parties/events. Because the way I see it being competent and confident in socializing does have an impact on social interaction with women (especially the ones you want to get with). When I was younger I wasn't much of a social person and awfully shy which mostly got me nowhere. When you develop that social confidence, you're comfortable enough around yourself and others to joke around, talk and respond to dumb or intelligent conversations, witty banter, and even kino. So with that said, it is a major foundation to everything else women and asking them out. There are many creative ways to ask someone out on a date or join you for an activity. You just have to be socially diverse. I guess from that and going on many dates with women also helped build up my confidence with women.
alphamale Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Whenever I've been most carefree (but with some direction and ambition) is when I've had the most interest from women... indeed, women can smell desperation a mile away
saddy Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I really know what you're talking about and I'm still working on getting my own confidence. So I'll tell you what seems to be working for me... I guess you'll be able to be confident when you'll realize that if a girl doesn't like you, it's not the end of the world. You'll be able to find another girl at least as good for you as her. When you'll know that, you'll be in a much different position: you won't consider that this girl is making you a favor when she's with you but you'll see it the opposite way. Doesn't mean you have to be cocky though!
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