samjohn Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 Hi all I'm new here and in a confusing situation. Background: Married almost 20 years, kids, husband cheated a few years ago and I still love him, but don't feel passionate towards him, more like a friend relationship. Husband works with S, they've been friends for quite a while. He brought him and his wife over a couple months ago and all of us have really hit it off. We have become great friends in a short amount of time, we are together A LOT!! Husband told S about his affair. S's wife told me that she cheated on S a couple years ago and that they are still having a hard time. So now it is common knowledge between the four of us. S and I have been texting back and forth a lot, some of it's silly "inside stuff" (between the four of us), non-sexual, conversations. But he has sent some questionable texts-saying things like we should trade spouses, or he would give everything for a woman like me, he also said I was one of the best friends he had, or simple stuff like what are you doing, good night, etc.. We have really opened up to each other, ecspecially about how we feel towards our spouses. And both of us are normally very closed people. Now, is this an emotional affair?? Could it turn into an emotional affair?? Honestly, I LOVE hearing from him, and it makes me feel good when we talk in person or text. Husband told me the other day that he thinks S has "the hots" for me. S is not the nicest guy, but does treat me great. He has a lot of qualities my husband does not have that I do find attractive. We went out recently and S seemed very jealous anytime his wife would walk off. And that bothered me. I appreciate any insight or advice.
sugarmomma Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 Maybe you see this as a prime opportunity to "repay" your husband for his affair. If you want to hurt your husband I would say go ahead because you already know the pain that it would cause. If you really love your husband you should stop all communications with this man since he just seems to want to get some on the side. He obviously doesn't respect your husband, you or his wife. Please don't get played by this guy. He will only laugh in your husband's face and go home to his wife. Get a hobby.
Author samjohn Posted March 22, 2009 Author Posted March 22, 2009 He will only laugh in your husband's face and go home to his wife. Get a hobby. I was wondering if this was the situation!! Also, I never did feel the need to get back at my husband. I guess it's just the attention from S that I'm enjoying and his personality is very similar to mine, and husbands is so opposite!
lyadm Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 Hi. I read your post and I do feel for you. I know what it is like to be married to someone that is not totally there for you. If you feel that there is no way you will ever have the same feelings for your husband, why didn't you leave when he cheated? Technically, you had ever right to leave. Did you not want to leave until you met this other person? If that is the case I would be careful. If you felt this way before meeting him then maybe it is time to try and fix it or get out. I met someone years after the trouble started in my marriage, and after several failed attempts to fix things. I wish things did not have to be so complicated for anyone. I don't have any answers for you, as I too am having a real hard time leaving behind another man, for what is something that I have to constantly fight and struggle with at home. This other person was not an easy way out for me, even though I have spent a considerable amount of time and energy in my marriage to only wind up getting hurt worse by the day. Since you are all friends it will be hard not to see this person, but try to step back and look at why you feel the way you do about your marriage and this other man. I am sure we all have answers for ourselves deep on the inside, it is just a painful process getting to the bottom of them sometimes. I understand where you are, but really the farther you go the worse it will be if it ends bad, so really try and have more dignity for yourself. I wish I had when all this started. You shouldn't have to have your husband or any other man to feel good. Your husband should be support, but no one should define the way you feel about yourself. Hope that helps some.
Author samjohn Posted March 22, 2009 Author Posted March 22, 2009 I stayed because I wanted it to work. I come from parents who have been divorced several times, and I did not want that. Also, I love him so much, he's my best friend, and I've been trying to find those passionate feelings since the A, but it's like they won't come! I've talked with husband about this, and sometimes he seems understanding, and sometimes it makes him mad! Also, I feel like I have so much invested in our marriage, and if a divorce happens, it will hurt so many, kids included. I wonder if S is trying to start something with me to get back at his wife. He says he puts on a show daily, but then I saw him jealous recently and I didn't want it to bother me, but it did.
motive2002 Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 The ass is always greener....... Find a less attractive couple to hang out with
pollywag Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 I was wondering if this was the situation!! Also, I never did feel the need to get back at my husband. I guess it's just the attention from S that I'm enjoying and his personality is very similar to mine, and husbands is so opposite! In the least it should help you understand why your husband cheated on you, he also must have enjoyed the attention and felt a connection he was not feeling with you at the time. If you are still feeling disconnected from your husband which clearly you are or else this connection with S would not exist, I think it's time to seriously evaluate why you and your husband are even still together. It would appear nothing has changed for the better in two years, it seems to be much of the same. I would look at that first, and then you can decide if what you are doing with S is worth pursuing in order to cross the line in the same way your husband did. In terms of emotional lines being crossed you are already there and have crossed the line. How much further do you want to go is the next question?
Lizzie60 Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 My thoughts: you are already way over your head in an EA with S... but it's just the beginning.. and it's time or never.. unless you cut all ties with this couple.. you both WILL end up in an Affair. This guy may well be very much in love with his W.. but that doesn't prevent him from having sex with other women.. he's the typical MM... flirting with others.. but wanting to keep what he already have... his kids and his comfortable life... they usually have too much to lose.
Author samjohn Posted March 22, 2009 Author Posted March 22, 2009 S's wife is so ready for kids and he keeps saying, "No!" He is totally in love with my kids and would make a great dad (not that I'm looking for a new one for them because theirs is wonderful to them). He says he just doesn't want to have them with her. He and I have both acknowledged that while we do love our spouses, we stay because it is comfortable like you said, Lizzie.
Meaplus3 Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Sounds to me like you are indeed in an EA. Now the question is, what do you plan to do about this? EA's are tough to end and can cause lot's of damage to a marrigeeven more so than a PA. You need to stop contact with this mm now. Can you do that? Mea:)
NoIDidn't Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 S's wife is so ready for kids and he keeps saying, "No!" He is totally in love with my kids and would make a great dad (not that I'm looking for a new one for them because theirs is wonderful to them). He says he just doesn't want to have them with her. He and I have both acknowledged that while we do love our spouses, we stay because it is comfortable like you said, Lizzie. You said he's not so nice earlier in the thread. Then you said that he gets jealous when his W walks away. I think you are being toyed with. Definitely not worth it.
Author samjohn Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 You said he's not so nice earlier in the thread. Then you said that he gets jealous when his W walks away. I think you are being toyed with. Definitely not worth it. He's not nice to a lot of people (people who work for/with him). And he does get a little rude with his wife, and I've told him that was really not a good way to make things better. But he treats me very nice, and even my husband said he treats me like a queen and everyone else not even close. My husband also just told me that S told him that we text each other all day, and husband said he didn't care because he knew it was all in good fun (which is half true). I'm really more confused and really ticked off now that S told my husband, definetely feel toyed with, like a prize or something!
Lizzie60 Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I wonder if you would tell the 'whole' truth to your husband .. if that could help you get away from this 'feeling'... Methink he is having fun with you... that's why he's not afraid to tell your H... it could be dangerous.. but this guy doesn't give a 'hoot' about you.. honestly... this could harm you more than you can imagine.. so.. if I were you I would definitely distant myself from him. Some A start very innocently.. but if you 'nurture' this relationship.. it will end up in a full blown A... trust me on that one..
troubadour Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Samjohn... you are already having an emotional affair and I am sure you are aware of it. I just wonder if your husband has developed some kind of cuckold fantasies... his is reacting in a rather strange way to this whole thing. After all it is obvious that S wants to get into your pants. What are these qualities which S has and which you find so attractive... if I may ask.
Author samjohn Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 Samjohn... you are already having an emotional affair and I am sure you are aware of it. I just wonder if your husband has developed some kind of cuckold fantasies... his is reacting in a rather strange way to this whole thing. After all it is obvious that S wants to get into your pants. What are these qualities which S has and which you find so attractive... if I may ask. He is a go-getter unlike my husband who is laid back. He is "tough" and has an "I don't give a *****" attitude. He's very passionate about what he does. My husband is acting strange, but he doesn't want to lose me, and he cane very close when he cheated. and l think he trusts I would never do anything like this. And I, myself, never imagined I would either.
pollywag Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 My husband is acting strange, but he doesn't want to lose me, and he cane very close when he cheated. and l think he trusts I would never do anything like this. And I, myself, never imagined I would either. Yes but you are, in your head you are already trading him in for this S person at least in fantasy you are. Emotionally you are already cheating and now it is only time until the physical line is crossed considering that you are all friends. You say you never imagined you would do this but the reality is that you never fully recover from infidelity in marriage, it never really leaves you and if the resentment is not put to bed for good, which I seriously doubt a betrayed spouse can, then it's only time until you are thinking and doing the unthinkable given the right oppotunity. The disconnect that was there before your husband cheated is still there now, only this time it is you giving yourself permission to think outside of the relationship. Sorry but I don't believe in infidelity recovery, but that is just my personal opinion.
troubadour Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 He is a go-getter unlike my husband who is laid back. He is "tough" and has an "I don't give a *****" attitude. He's very passionate about what he does. My husband is acting strange, but he doesn't want to lose me, and he cane very close when he cheated. and l think he trusts I would never do anything like this. And I, myself, never imagined I would either. Don't you think that you are a bit too old to fall for this kind of "qualities"...? I don't mean to be harsh but somehow I am getting an impression that deep down you have already decided to cheat and you are just waiting for S to make his move... But I guess since your husband had his cake... you can have yours... no one can really blame you.
2sunny Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 my gut says two things: 1. your husband's non reactive attitude is concerning. to me, i think he has his own ideas and fantasies about the wife of S. has he shown an interest in her? he may not be making a big deal about your texting because he knows he is interested (or contact her) as well. so if he's not mad at you - he doesn't have to feel guilty for what he's been doing. 2. you kept your contact with S from your husband? this is a huge red flag that you are keeping this relationship a secret. that is the first sign of it being cheating. if you weren't doing anything wrong - you wouldn't need it to be a secret. tell your H everything so there are NO MORE SECRETS! when nothing is secret - the power and excitement are eliminated, then the marriage has a chance to heal with the truth being a known factor. and BTW you're not confused at all by this man's attention - you are just flattered that such a man would pay attention to you. that's just self serving when you get right down to it. how did YOU feel when YOU found out your H cheated? maybe you shouldn't be so short sighted when you consider this man's attention and the very fact that it could ruin every part of your life.
pollywag Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 1. your husband's non reactive attitude is concerning. to me, i think he has his own ideas and fantasies about the wife of S. has he shown an interest in her? he may not be making a big deal about your texting because he knows he is interested (or contact her) as well. so if he's not mad at you - he doesn't have to feel guilty for what he's been doing. I was thinking the same thing, but not about S's W but maybe someone different altogether. After all he's already cheated once....
2sunny Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I was thinking the same thing, but not about S's W but maybe someone different altogether. After all he's already cheated once.... yep - he's not mad because he knows he's doing something much worse than texting... how could he be mad at her for texting? hmmmm
Author samjohn Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 yep - he's not mad because he knows he's doing something much worse than texting... how could he be mad at her for texting? hmmmm I've looked for clues as to him having an A and I can't find anything. I found out about the first one because I just knew something wasn't right (he was on a LONG business trip when it happened). And I dug around online looking for emails, email addresses, etc. and I found emails. To be honest, him having an A now doesn't bother me at all. I stay for financial reasons and for the kids (I've told him this, but I'm not sure he really believes me, or maybe he does??). I was jealous for a long while after his A, but now honestly I could care less and see us as no more than very good friends, and ever since that realization, we've gotten along really, really well (this has been several months). You are probably right about me having my mind made up. It feels good to get attention from someone else, but it's not really worth it in the long run.
2sure Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Although you have no interest in a "revenge affair" it sounds like S may. In your original post you mentioned that his wife cheated on him and they are having trouble moving past it. Given his jealousy over his wife, plus the fact that he told your Husband the two of you text...it sounds very much like he is just trying to make his wife jealous. Also, its no surprise the two of you feel a connection - you have both suffered through the same trauma, and are both staying. You have a lot in common right now with just that. He probably thinks your wonderful simply because you didnt cheat as opposed to his wife - who did. Next, you might want to think about whether or not you are being sincere to yourself regarding your feelings for your own H. You say you just dont care if he has another affair. You sure about that? If you tell him that or give him that impression - he probably will, just because he feels you dont care anyway.
troubadour Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Samjohn, if you are going to have an affair... and it looks that you are... have it with someone who doesn't belong to your social circle. Trust me on this... being an artist for over two decades I have seen tons and tons of infidelity at close range... it is an extremely bad idea to do do it with your husband's co-worker. I doubt you fully realize what kind of "ripples" it will create.
willing Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 *He's not nice to a lot of people (people who work for/with him). * And he does get a little rude with his wife, and I've told him that was really not a good way to make things better. *But he treats me very nice, and even my husband said he treats me like a queen and everyone else not even close. *My husband also just told me that S told him that we text each other all day, and husband said he didn't care because he knew it was all in good fun (which is half true). * I'm really more confused and really ticked off now that S told my husband, definetely feel toyed with, like a prize or something! Typical of a Narcissist, to treat you and others in this way. Please, for your own sake, look up 'narcissist' to gain insight into how they operate...
NoIDidn't Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Typical of a Narcissist, to treat you and others in this way. Please, for your own sake, look up 'narcissist' to gain insight into how they operate... I felt the same way about her response to my post. I've dated on of these emotional vampires. Its not fun. What I don't get is how samjohn seems to justify him being mean to others but saying he treats her like a queen. No offense to anyone here but it seems to me like he treats her like a trick, a game. Telling her H about the texting and what not! How juvenile. This guy is a prick. That's probably why his W cheated on him (not that I am justifying her actions at all) His W probably stayed with him because he demanded it and made her feel like she owed it to him or something. When samjohn mentioned that she felt he wasn't so nice, I think that's the last of her rational judgment going off and if she ignores this very important fact (regardless of how he treats her, or so she thinks now), she is going to regret it.
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