a_victim Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 I have been married for about three years. One and a half months ago, my wife told me that she has fallen in love with a married co-worker and committed adultery. Initially, she was less than completely honest with me and continued to be in contact with the other man. It was only after one month that she told me the complete truth and agreed to go for counseling. She said the reasons for counseling is not to actually work on our marriage, but to help explain to me why it happened. At this moment, she still wants to be with the other guy because she believes he is THE ONE. We have been in counseling for about two weeks now. She tells me she has fallen out of love for me for quite some time now. She recognizes that I have nothing but a good and loving husband towards her. She recognizes she has a big role in not maintaining the romance in our relationship and she has been taking me for granted for years. She says she's sorry for hurting me. But she also says that she does not apologize for falling in love. She says it "just happened". I am now in a fix. Though I was the one who initially proposed counseling, I now have doubts as to the value of it. She believes counseling will help me understand why it happened better. Maybe forgive her. And she says there is a very slim chance she may overcome her impulsiveness and decide to work on our marriage. But I am finding it extremely painful to continue. Especially with all her constant declarations that she no longer loves me and she loves the other man and wants to be with him. She even tells me that when we do fun stuff together (like going out for dinner or skiing), she sometimes wish it was him she's doing them with. I don't know if I can ever forgive the betrayal. Being a rational man, I find it hard to accept her claim that things can just happen and that she can totally disrespect me in this manner. This is further compounded by her inability to be straight with me throughout the process and there have been half-truths and lies all the while, even now. Should I just accept that she no longer loves me and divorce her? This will end the misery of hearing she doesn't love me and I can begin moving on with the rest of my life. Or should I continue with the counseling, however painful it is right now, so that I can "understand her" and on the extremely slim chance that she will want to work on our marriage and it may actually survive?
carhill Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 Continue in IC mode and serve her divorce papers at your earliest convenience. The IC will help you with clarity regarding yourself, your role in the M and your future. The divorce papers will be a clear signal to her that you hear her and understand and accept her perspective. Win-win
Lizzie60 Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 It's over .. she won't come back to you... I think you're wasting your time.. and money. I don't believe in counselling.. humans are way too complexed for another human to 'fix' them in a short period of time.. they can give you the illusions that they are helping.. it's up to you... I say divorce her.. move on... I know it sucks.. but this is life..
carhill Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 OP, would you normally agree with Lizzie, in that you, otherwise, do not believe in the efficacy of psychological counseling? If so, her advice is sound. Follow it.
Lizzie60 Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 I think that in this case, counselling is extremely painful... especially when she has already decided that it's not for HER. What good would it be for YOU to understand why she cheated.. who cares.. she did... move on.. don't waste your energy, money on BS like that.
anne1707 Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 I shall be straight from the start. I am married and had an affair with a work colleague. However when it all came out, even though my head was in a complete mess with how I felt about the ex-OM, I did not sink to the depths of saying to my H "Oh, how I wish I was doing this with ...... and not you". This is just twisting the knife in your back that bit more. I can understand that she may not be sure whether she wants to work on the marriage but she is not showing you the respect you deserve in that all she is thinking about is how she feels and not how much she has hurt you and continues to do so. At least she could have the grace to keep her mouth shut and not rub your face in it. I know that when my H and I started MC, it was more along the lines initially of trying to figure out whether we both wanted to save the marriage. It was only after that, we could then start working on our problems. If your wife cannot commit herself to the counselling and only sees it as something that will benefit you then I am sorry but at the moment there does not seem much hope. Her views on the counselling helping you understand what has happened almost makes it sound as if she thinks you will then think she was justified in having the affair! How about she tries to understand what she has done to you and your marriage? You deserve to be with some one who cares for you, loves you and respects you. I am also curious - the OM is married. Does his wife know? I would not be surprised if she didn't. Now some on here will tell you to inform his wife. I am ambivalent on that one. However if he is trying to ensure his wife does not know of the affair or is staying with his wife after she has found out, then it does not leave much hope for your wife if he is supposed to be the One.
Author a_victim Posted March 22, 2009 Author Posted March 22, 2009 Thank you both for your thoughts. That is why I asked the question. That is a big part of me which says screw it, I don't care why it happened. I believe the counseling is useful for understanding if I had any role in it. That would be the only use. Otherwise, her telling me about the strong emotions she felt and the inevitability of it does not help at all in easing my pain. It is costing time and emotion. As for $$, it is completely covered by my health insurance for now.
jj33 Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 I totally agree with Lizzie. COntinue IC for yourself but there is no need for you to hear for the 2000th time that she doesnt love you. Once is more than enough. Use the money spent on counselling to help you heal and move on with your life with someone who appreciates you. Its really arrogant for her to want to "teach" you about what you did wrong to cause her to cheat. There are 2 in a marriage and she is equally responsible. Id change counselors while you are at it. This one sounds like they are just collecting the $$ while you sit there and sweat it out. Find someone who is focused on helping you move forward. Not all counsellors are created equal. Take good care. Edited to add - we cross posted - most insurance only covers a certain amount of counselling. Id spend yoru employers dollars on a better counselor.
carhill Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 What good would it be for YOU to understand why she cheated Predicated on his perspective, of which I have no knowledge, I can see some possibilities: 1. To more completely and more quickly identify and process the precursor behaviors of a spouse/partner predisposed or otherwise considering cheating 2. To identify the perspective in one's own psychology which is determinative and/or contributory to such a dynamic. IMO, and this is why I suggested IC, if he *believes* in psychological work and change, he can work on himself to have a healthier perspective on the divorce process and for any future relationship he might pursue.
Lizzie60 Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 I believe the counseling is useful for understanding if I had any role in it. That would be the only use. Still it would be of no use if the relationship is dead.. If you ever get in another relationship.. you will encounter different problems.. the chemistry will be different. It could be you.. but that you would know.. (if you abuse her, etc..etc..) you wouldn't need a therapist to tell you that.. but I think she just happened to fall in love with someone else.. I don't know why 'therapists' work so hard to find 'reasons' for every relationship that is just not working.. It is costing time and emotion. As for $$, it is completely covered by my health insurance for now. If it's paid.. then you're wasting tax payers' money.
Author a_victim Posted March 22, 2009 Author Posted March 22, 2009 To answer Anne's questions, yes the wife of the OM now knows. She does not claim it is just for MY benefit. She also claims she wants to understand why it happened to her. She has always been one who believes that she will never cheat. Much as I still care for her, I guess I should tell her she can go figure that out on her own time. Yes, indeed her handling (as well as the OM's, if you must know) of this has been terribly immature. First, she kept feeding me half truths for over a month. Even then, she was unable to stop even though I asked her calmly to take a moment to think. It was only after one month of torturing me that she finally told the OM to take a 3-month break to cool down. But she has been asking me again for permission to contact him again. If I continue counseling, I want it to be completely for my benefit. I have to be selfish for now. I have just given too much into this relationship and have it spat back at me as though it is worth nothing. I am listening to all comments and hoping that your wisdom and experiences will help make me make the right decision. Thanks to all posters for your views thus far. They have been incredibly helpful.
anne1707 Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 It was only after one month of torturing me that she finally told the OM to take a 3-month break to cool down. But she has been asking me again for permission to contact him again. . So she wants you to agree to her having an affair? Get out of there now! You only stand a chance if it is NC (and yes, that can be done if they continue to work together but it is a lot harder and will really slow the healing process - this is the situation my H and I are in).
Author a_victim Posted March 22, 2009 Author Posted March 22, 2009 Anne, thanks very much for sharing your perspective. They are sort of working together but not in the same location. There is no reason for them to be in anything other than very sporadic contact via email or calls. They do not see each other. I have said no to that request. Her reason for wanting to contact him is both for her sake and for his sake. Apparently, the OM is now "suffering" from guilt because the wife knows. I told her that I am suffering and the wife is suffering too! Why should the two of them be the ones who have support? Anyway, whether she heeds my request is up to her. Of course if she doesn't heed it, there is no way this is ever going to work like you said.
bentnotbroken Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 Her head is stuck up her behind. You need to take care of you. I continued IC and I am glad I did. I have come to understand my contributions to marital problems and what I wasn't responsible for. I found out he is a narcissist that will drain the very life out of me. So there are things to be learned(my case anger management, and dealing with depression). I wish you weren't here seeking advice, but you have received excellent advice.
65tr6 Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 It is costing time and emotion. As for $$, it is completely covered by my health insurance for now. You got some good advice... Some questions for you... 1) do you love her ? 2) do you want to stay in the marriage ? 3) do you want to learn from this horrific betrayal ? If yes, 1) I would expose the affair to the whole world...write a letter to the CEO and copy the HR Director. Hope both of them get fired. 2) Quit C. I know your insurance covers it but you are wasting your time ! Educate yourself. Become a better person. Affair is not your fault. 3) If you want to stay in the marriage, have her quit her job and have her maintain complete NC. If there is NC, your marriage will NOT survive. Your wife is a affair-fog that could take several months for her to come out of....Provided there is complete NC. 4) Your marriage could survive but will take every bit in you to make that happen. Are you ready for that challenge ? 5) Go to marriage builders.com and implement Plan A right away. Be ready for Plan B. Do you have any kids ? What about OM ? does he have any kids ?
In Like Flynn Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 Sounds like this counseling is more for her benefit so see can convince you that this affair wa meant to be and she is not like others who cheat....this is different!! Yeah right!!! With his wife now finding out the heat will be on with the exposure to his family and mutual friends. Your wife is going to have a rude awaking when he (Mr Soulmate) dumps her to recover her marriage. Then she will be standing there wondering how she let herself fall in love with someone who really just wanted to get into her pants!!!
seibert253 Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Your wife is in the fog stage. MC is a waste of time. MC only works if both want to fix the problem. Only one way to break this and that's hitting her upside the head with a 2X4, (speaking figuratively here not literally). She needs a shock to her system to help her realize what she's throwing away. Best way to do this is to giver her an ultimatum, choose me or him. Give her 48hrs to think about it. If she chooses him, boot her out of YOUR home, and serve her with divorce papers. She's disresected you and your marriage, lied, cheated. Can you really trust her? Definantly not in her current state of mind. Also, clean out all your financial accounts and change the locks on your doors. Give her nothing, no money, no nothing. I don't recall if you have kids, but if you do they stay with you not her. She can visit them as often as they wish, but they live with YOU. Go No Contact. Do not call her, do not return her calls. Let her experience life on her own, this may change her attitude about your marriage. If it doesn't then you are better off without her. You are probably better off without her anyway. This is going to be very hard emotionally, physically, and psychologically. You need to take care of yourself first. You can get through this and you will. Best of Luck Oh, and I almost forgot. Tell everyone, your family, her family, all your friends, and all her friends. This isn't ment to hurt her, but let everyone know why your life seems to be falling apart right now. You'll be surprised how much support you'll get from everyone, including her family.
lkjh Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Get tough with her. Make her move out and go no contact. She will change once her life gets a little hard. Do not treat this in a calm rational way. She has to see that her actions have consequences.
pelicanpreacher Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 You've been married three short years yet she's states that she fell out of love with you years ago? How long ago did this affair begin if she's stating that she thinks of the OM while the two of you are together on ski trips? How many ski trips do you guys take in a year? Are you sure that your love and zeal for her didn't cloud your judgment by allowing you to overlook her lack of ardor and commitment throughout this relationship due to your own ego? For her to fall so deeply in love with this guy that she's willing to destroy her own marriage says that this affair has had a long time to percolate and that she may never have truly committed herself life and soul to you at the altar. Has she always been this flighty? It also says that she has been an excellent actress throughout your relationship, has a weak constitution, and is duplicitous by nature which doesn't bode well for her character or integrity. Sometimes we want something so badly that we'll justify anything and ignore all the obvious warning signs to the contrary in order to have and keep it no matter what reality might say about its toxicity. You need to search yourself to find out whether you wanted this marriage intitially far more than she ever did to determine if you placed yourself in a no-win predicament guaranteed to fail so that you don't find yourself in this situation again. This is a topic you should thoroughly explore in IC to get yourself centered again because trying to figure out what you did wrong to contribute to her inclination to have an affair is an excercise in futility, especially given the fact that she can't provide one single complaint about how you treated her during the extremely short course of your marriage!
lostsunsets Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Serve he with divorce papers. Tell me that you have closed your joint bank accounts. Next call her work and let them know that your wife is having an affair with him. I hope that the OM is having second thoughts about leaving his wife. I hope they have kids. Kick her a$$ out and serve her. If the husband won't leave his wife, your wife is screwed. Then when she calls you up to say that she is thinking of reconciling, you can tell her that you don't play second choice. You need to keep in contact with the OMs wife and encourage her to guilt the crap out of her husband. Your wife needs to wake up from her fog, alone, sitting in a one bedroom apartment wondering how she screwed up her life so bad. Definitely curb her. Go NC on her, and watch her hit bottom. Then you can decide what you want to do.
Author a_victim Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 Thanks all for the replies. Perhaps I have misrepresented the situation a little. I did try very hard to paint as neutral a picture as possible but it is rather hard for me to be completely objective in my situation. Basically the MC is something we both wanted. Like Anne, the reason is to figure out the reasons why it happened and whether we even want to save our marriage. We both agreed on this going in. We are doing both IC and MC. I am having my first IC soon and hopefully I will gain some wisdom from it. I am not inclined to do any retaliatory actions as this is just not my style. She does appear truly sorry for the whole situation and how she is hurting me. But it doesn't change the fact that she wants to be with the OM at this point in time. She seems to want to do anything she can to make me feel better, short of working on the marriage. For that, I do appreciate her intentions and effort. Neither families have children. So thankfully, there is no one else to hurt but adults.
SRV Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Neither families have children. So thankfully, there is no one else to hurt but adults. More reason to kick her to the curb. It would have been a lot worse if there were kids involved. Thank your lucky stars. Find yourself someone that will be honest and truthful that you can build a trusting relationship with, I would forget her.
travelgirl Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I agree with Seibert253's post. I don't think MC is a waste of time but it most certainly IS when one of the spouses does not want to work on the marriage. Unless your MC is telling your wife, she needs to go no contact and at least TRY and work on the marriage - and she agrees - otherwise it is a total waste of time. Like you said. Why sit there so she can "explain" her horrible actions? So what if she seems sad about it? Obviously not remorseful to the fact that she wants to work on your marriage. So why be in marriage counseling at all at this point? She is in the affair fog right now and only see good in him and loser in you. If you play on her pity-party routine and feel sorry for her, you are putty in her hands and she will and IS abusing it. Stand up for yourself, man. Who gives a ***** how sad she might be. What about you and your feelings? If she cared, she would drop him and give you the respect to work on your marriage. Instead she tells you, she rather be with him but lets go to counseling so you can understand "me" better. It is 100% about her and 0% about you. You are blinded by the fear of losing her and she knows this and is playing you. Time to take a stand here. No one is telling you to play games, abuse or totally disrespect her here. They are telling you to STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. Reread Seribert's post and follow it. It will either make her wake up from the affair fog and give you back some control of the situation/marriage or at the very least, it will give you some self-esteem to move forward.
seibert253 Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Thanks all for the replies. Perhaps I have misrepresented the situation a little. I did try very hard to paint as neutral a picture as possible but it is rather hard for me to be completely objective in my situation. Basically the MC is something we both wanted. Like Anne, the reason is to figure out the reasons why it happened and whether we even want to save our marriage. We both agreed on this going in. We are doing both IC and MC. I am having my first IC soon and hopefully I will gain some wisdom from it. I am not inclined to do any retaliatory actions as this is just not my style. She does appear truly sorry for the whole situation and how she is hurting me. But it doesn't change the fact that she wants to be with the OM at this point in time. She seems to want to do anything she can to make me feel better, short of working on the marriage. For that, I do appreciate her intentions and effort. Neither families have children. So thankfully, there is no one else to hurt but adults. Dude, she's stringing you along. She wants to keep you around in case things with her OM don't work out. Your 2nd string now, relegated to the bench. How do you know how she feels, has she told you? She's a liar. Do you really care WHY it happened? She betrayed YOU, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Sounds like she's trying to convince you this. She's also attending MC and IC to try to make herself feel better about stabbing you in the heart. I'm sorry but IMO you're taking the wrong approach to this. You're enabling her to continue what she's doing. Time to man-up and do what's right for you. Piss on her if she feels bad about tearing your heart out.
jwi71 Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 OP, Feel for you. Sadly, I do NOT think your W will come around. Reason: She is STILL cheating on you. Thoughts of him have supplanted thoughts of you and reconciliation. They still work together...the same environment which fostered the A. I can almost promise you she is contacting him at work. If YOU want to save the M...then you MUST go public. I hate to state the obvious but YOU missed it. So, gather more eyes...more allies to ensure this A's death. And that means outing them both by name to the world. I mean at work, at church to family to friends to everyone. Its not about revenge...its about ending their A. If YOU want to save the M, then your W MUST quit her job. Its not an option. If YOU want to save the M, then your W must go NC with her MM in a verifiable manner. And right away we have issues. Not only do you refuse to out the A, I bet she wont quit and she is already asking for what is basically permission to cheat. Hate to say it...but wake up man. You are making some right moves (IC) but they are WORTHLESS without the others. Your MC is a joke...really it is. No way there is progress while they work together. As long as there is contact...the A continues. My advice? Hire a lawyer and file.
Recommended Posts