Why do the jerks usually get their girls back or keep them around?

[Not the love ace]

I don't understand this, and of course it just annoys me and any other good guy out there. I know this doesn't happen to every girl, but it bothers me sometimes how ******* guys can keep their girls around or sometimes get them back in their life.

 

For example, I know this one girl. She has her life together, and has been very successful. She's in her 3rd year of college, traveled the world, has two steady jobs since she was 16, and had her own car since she was 17, and much more. Since her teenage years she's been on and off with some guy who is a total bum and loser.

 

He's disrespectful, lazy, and physically not attractive. During the years they were together he got into major heated arguments with her, and at one point got a little physical (just grabbed her by the wrist, no hitting). Her family even tried helping him out and gave him money to join the union and everything.

 

To make a long story short, after 2 years on and off, and 1 year off, she complains about how she hates him and does nothing but malign him. A few months later he's back in her life, and they go on a honeymoon to Hawaii by HER expense completely. He didn't put in a dime.

 

Then, I have another friend who gets physically abused by her boyfriend, and yes she STILL STAYS WITH HIM after 3 years. Hopefully she'll see the light soon.

 

I know not all girls are the same, but it sucks because I believe I was great to my ex, and over something that's really small in comparison to those situations, she acts like she wants nothing to do with me. I treated her like a queen, and I always made her my everything in life.

 

Yet there's guys out there that can treat their girls like they are nothing, but girls gravitate towards them.

 

Again of course not all girls are the same. But why do some girls seem to enjoy the drama? What is it these guys do?

[Lizzie60]

Intelligence has nothing to do with your emotional 'state'.

 

These girls have extremely low self-esteem.. 'doormat' style.

 

It's hard to say why these girls are like that.. love is extremely complicated.

 

Methink that 'confidence' is extremely attractive to a person who has none. It works like magic.

[alphamale]

These girls have extremely low self-esteem.. 'doormat' style.

self-esteem has little to do with it. its really more about emotions and feelings, both good and bad

[Lizzie60]

self-esteem has little to do with it. its really more about emotions and feelings, both good and bad

 

Well that's your opinion.. I just happened to think that it is a self-esteem problem...

 

We hear women complaining all the time about their jerks.. some are abusive, mentally and physically... why don't they leave.. they don't because they aren't confident enough to.. they need a good support system to end the abusive relationship in many situations.

 

A true confident woman... will NEVER endure abuse... never! Even if she loves the jerk to death.. she will end up hating him.. it's that simple.

[alphamale]

A true confident woman... will NEVER endure abuse... never!

thats not true L60 - you know it and i know it...

[carhill]

OP, think of it this way. You identified, and quite well IMO, women who are incompatible for/with you. Smile in the knowledge that you won't have to share their path. Others await

[Lizzie60]

thats not true L60 - you know it and i know it...

 

Of course it's true.. the man who will abuse me.. is not yet born.

[carhill]

I have a feeling Lizzie has walked both paths and sees the differences. I know I have, as a man. It is remarkably evident, psychologically.

[Taramere]

A true confident woman... will NEVER endure abuse... never! Even if she loves the jerk to death.. she will end up hating him.. it's that simple.

 

I agree though I think that confidence is something that comes and goes with most people depending on circumstances. It's easy to be confident and self respecting when things are going well and you're surrounded by a good support network. Abuse - whether psychological or physical, subtle or overt, generally starts when people are at their most vulnerable and isolated. Maybe they're not aware of the extent to which they're losing their support network...eg because friends don't like/trust their partner and grow impatient with them for sticking with the relationship.

 

Sometimes women who stay with abusive men seem to attract more negative judgement than the men themselves do. They're regarded as weak and foolish. The abuser, on the other hand, might be feared and hated by a lot of people....but at the same time, they're regarded as being on the comfortable and successful end of the power imbalance. Like the playground bully who, in theory, everyone wants to stand up to/rescue victims from - but who, in practice, attracts lots of friends and admirers. Supporters who are only to pleased to help them reframe their abusive behaviour in positive terms.

 

A lot of people have encountered abuse at some point in their lives. Whether a woman was a victim of a violent parent, a sexual offender or a previous abusive partner, there are people who will write her off because of it - if she fails to keep it a secret. The most alluring thing about the potentially abusive bad boy might be that he doesn't seem to judge. Not in the early stages, at least, and not to the woman's face. Women who have been abused at some point in their lives can show that side of themselves to that man, and see strong interest where usually they'd see pity, embarrassment and the early signs of a future rejection.

 

If a bad boy represents strength, rule-breaking and acceptance of those aspects of a woman that a "good guy" will reject her for - well, that's a pretty intoxicating combination. It's easy to be drawn in by that. I think it's less likely if the woman herself is strong, makes up her own rules and accepts herself the way she is. But that's called feminism, and men don't like that stuff. Oh the dilemma of it all.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Hopefully she'll see the light soon.

 

 

Her????????

[mental_traveller]

Women with high self-esteem can be abused and "stuck" in bad relationships too. Yes, low self-esteem makes it more likely, but it's not confined purely to that. Just like an otherwise powerful and successful man can fall for a toxic bitch maneater who messes up his life.

 

IMO the reason is twofold. Firstly, strong emotions are addictive. If a man or woman makes you feel passion and you have great sex and lots of excitement emotionally, that makes most relationships and "normal life" feel dull by comparison. Secondly, people in relationships have intertia - they tend to stay in a relationship unless it gets really bad. This is an evolutionary trait designed to keep potential or actualy parents together so that kids are more likely to be born and then survive.

 

It takes self-awareness and willpower, or dire consequences, to break away from these two factors and ditch someone who is not good for you. I am fine with my self-esteem, and know the problems of toxic relationships, but I'd still rather date a woman who is a handful if she is hot and exciting, rather than be bored out of my mind with a plain wallflower who cooks and cleans and does my bidding.

[The Collector]

For example, I know this one girl. She has her life together, and has been very successful. She's in her 3rd year of college, traveled the world, has two steady jobs since she was 16, and had her own car since she was 17, and much more. Since her teenage years she's been on and off with some guy who is a total bum and loser.

 

He's disrespectful, lazy, and physically not attractive. During the years they were together he got into major heated arguments with her, and at one point got a little physical (just grabbed her by the wrist, no hitting).

 

Great she's financially stable. Is she emotionally stable? Maybe she's hard work to date. Are you sure he started the 'major heated arguments?' Maybe she likes a man that won't roll over and put up with her crap. If she has her own money, maybe her priority is not a guy with a similar income, but one who makes her feel something, good and bad. Are you a good judge of what is physically attractive in a man? A lot of men are clueless in this department.

 

Alternatively. she and similar women may have a thing for bad-boys. Maybe they are a challenge, maybe it outrages daddy that they are ****ing him, maybe they remind her of daddy, maybe they think they can change them, check out any thread with 'bad-boy' in the title for discussion on this subject.

 

'Jerk's often get their girls back because they are masculine jerks, and women prefer macho jerk to too-nice sexless guy. They'd generally rather have macho and not-a-jerk, but there aren't enough to go round in this day and age. And sometimes these men are not jerks at all, but that's how jealous 'nice guys' want to perceive them.

 

But lets also look at men's dating preferences. Do we often find someone attractive because they have a great job, are respectful and 'nice'? Or is that a bonus after we have decided they are physically attractive? How many men stay with a partner they know is spoilt, naggy or bitchy, when they could get a nice but unattractive woman? Or stay with a damaged woman because they think they can 'save' her? Attraction is about sex and lust, not what dispassionately looks good on paper.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I don't understand this, and of course it just annoys me and any other good guy out there. I know this doesn't happen to every girl, but it bothers me sometimes how ******* guys can keep their girls around or sometimes get them back in their life.

 

For example, I know this one girl. She has her life together, and has been very successful. She's in her 3rd year of college, traveled the world, has two steady jobs since she was 16, and had her own car since she was 17, and much more. Since her teenage years she's been on and off with some guy who is a total bum and loser.

 

He's disrespectful, lazy, and physically not attractive. During the years they were together he got into major heated arguments with her, and at one point got a little physical (just grabbed her by the wrist, no hitting). Her family even tried helping him out and gave him money to join the union and everything.

 

To make a long story short, after 2 years on and off, and 1 year off, she complains about how she hates him and does nothing but malign him. A few months later he's back in her life, and they go on a honeymoon to Hawaii by HER expense completely. He didn't put in a dime.

 

Then, I have another friend who gets physically abused by her boyfriend, and yes she STILL STAYS WITH HIM after 3 years. Hopefully she'll see the light soon.

 

I know not all girls are the same, but it sucks because I believe I was great to my ex, and over something that's really small in comparison to those situations, she acts like she wants nothing to do with me. I treated her like a queen, and I always made her my everything in life.

 

Yet there's guys out there that can treat their girls like they are nothing, but girls gravitate towards them.

 

Again of course not all girls are the same. But why do some girls seem to enjoy the drama? What is it these guys do?

 

... I think the better question is if, the girl knows from jump street the man is a jerk through and through and will never change and is always gonna remain the same.

 

...Why would she be with him?

 

Because they want to change him, have this belief that her love will make him a better man, or she loves bad boys and finds him a challenge, deals with azzholes on a general basis and is attracted to him genetically.

 

Or low self esteem which is reinforced when this man can sense it inside of her manipulating her to do what he wants. A stronger woman would have steered clear of this guy, weak ones fall for the game he spittin every single time.