Too good to leave, too bad to stay

[Mandarine Girl]

I feel like a prisoner in my own life.

Or like I'm tied to a really really long rubber band and the other end is tied to my bf, who's in Australia while I'm in Asia.

 

The majority of our relationship has always been long distance. We started off as good friends before developing feelings for each other. Maybe that's why other guys can't hold a candle against him...because we didn't have ulterior motives when we first knew each other.

 

He is a smart, kind and generous man who has made such a profound impact on my life. We've known each other for 3 years (dating for 2). We've seen each other grow to become better people. He's Asian and his parents and family are in Asia (same country as me). But he's spent almost a decade in Australia. He plans to come back to Asia but he can't promise when. We met when I was studying in Australia. When I graduated, I had to leave.

 

Our first year apart was really difficult. We weren't officially a couple..but we were in some pseudo-relationship where we were committed to each other yet we were technically single. Ugh, it was so confusing and frustrating! It was such a turbulent time for us and I kept bringing up THE TALK about our status, to which there was no answer because we couldn't physically be together! So finally, we "broke up". He started seeing someone and I was so crushed. It didn't help that we maintained contact (although less frequently). But I was slowly picking myself up and moving on.

 

Then he broke it off with that girl and called me one day... telling me he missed me so much and he realised I'm the one for him. At that time, I was planning to resign and look for a new job. And he knew this... and he asked me to consider going to Australia and living with him - to really give our relationship a try.

 

So last year, I went over there for five months. He supported me (my visa didn't enable me to work and I am unable to get a working/permanent visa in Australia. It's not as simple as it sounds). It was hard at first... but eventually we grew to adapt to each other and give each other space. I came back when my tourist visa expired. That was incredibly hard as well...but I came back and got a good job and just hung out with friends.

 

In December he came back for his sister's wedding and I could see he was actively including me in plans with his family. He is very much a family-oriented person, spending most of his time with them. He even took me on a few holidays overseas with his family. He's told me he wants to settle down and I'm the one.

 

He went back to Australia a few weeks ago. But he bought me an airticket to Australia a week after that so I could go for a Coldplay concert with him. So I was there for a week. Saying goodbye never gets easier and we stood there holding each other for about half an hour, in the middle of the terminal gate!

 

Officially, we are still together (cos hey, Facebook statuses don't lie! hah!). But we've had THE TALK a few times already...he said his life is in a mess and if I want to move on, he'll let me go because he feels it's unfair to trap me. Because he's afraid he can't deliver.

 

I am so frustrated and sad...I feel like we've gone through so much and now we're back at square one. This has made me so insecure because I keep thinking he'll hook up with another girl since our future together is so uncertain. I'm just so scared history is going to repeat itself. And I know that if it did, then he's not the one for me anyway. But I just can't let go! I pray for strength to let go..... everyday, I really do.... but I can't because honestly, he knows me to the core... and he just knows how to handle me.

 

I'm a cliche but it's true.... he is truly my best friend.

 

Now we talk normally... making each other laugh... but these last few days, there's been a significant decrease in affection, like signing off with a kiss, etc. Please don't ask me to have THE TALK again because we've really exhausted ourselves doing so... and we know it never goes anywhere.

 

Sometimes I feel like I can hang on....sometimes I just want to meet someone else and forget him.....sometimes I'm angry with him and just block him.....sometimes I tell him how much I miss him. I'm such a wreck. This consumes my thoughts all the time.... bringing me to tears as I sit in traffic....or just idly listening to music.

 

I don't know what to do anymore...the only way we can be together is if he marries me or if he comes back for good. I don't think getting married this way is a solution because a) we need to sort out our respective lives - I have better career opportunities here in Asia but his life seems to be there and b) getting married under such pressure isn't how I want it to be.

 

What should I do? Feels like I'm trying to hold onto sand in my hands.

[SoulSearch_CO]

But we've had THE TALK a few times already...he said his life is in a mess and if I want to move on, he'll let me go because he feels it's unfair to trap me. Because he's afraid he can't deliver.

 

What changed all of a sudden to make him say this? What's messy about his life NOW that it wasn't when you guys got together? This statement of his just seemed to come out of the blue. Going your own separate ways is always going to be difficult. I would imagine that's something you guys have been dealing with many times, though. I'm just trying to figure out where his mind is. I don't see anything BAD about your relationship aside from the distance. And yes - don't get me wrong, that is incredibly difficult. But I guess I'm just wondering if maybe he's already seeing somebody because of this statement - but also the waning affection on messenger. What do you think?

[Mandarine Girl]

I brought the conversation up last week... and I told him that I feel like history is repeating itself and that's making me very insecure... and he said he's not letting anyone in and there's nobody else.

 

I want him to want to be with me so much that he would do anything... but then again, I watch too many rom-coms.

 

He said it's not a matter of whether he wants to be with me, it's whether he CAN be with me.

 

On my bad days, I'll think, "hey if you wanna be with me so much, you'd just make it happen. because I would do anything to be with you!"

 

But once I calm down, I know things aren't so black and white. I have a good, secure job in my country... my family and friends are here. My life is here. He is the only thing that binds me to Australia.

[SoulSearch_CO]

Your statement: "hey if you wanna be with me so much, you'd just make it happen. because I would do anything to be with you!" gave me flashbacks to the way I felt during my marriage. I was willing to do and give anything for him to feel my love. I had many similar thoughts to what you said. He was certainly deficient in showing love to me. He would moan and complain when he had to work too much because it took him away from me. I would tell him that he should do something about it (which was perfectly plausible - he had the option and opportunity and chose not to take it).

 

I guess I find it a little hard to swallow when somebody can SAY they love you, but refuse - absolutely REFUSE - to SHOW it. The words then become empty and hollow.

 

It sounds to me like he's saying you are important to him - but not more important to him than his life in Australia. And honestly, I feel it would be unfair of you to expect him to give it up. So if you don't want to give yours up and he's not giving his up, maybe by continuing this relationship you are keeping the both of you stagnant. Keeping both of you from growing, keeping you from meeting somebody with whom a relationship might actually work. Delaying the inevitable, prolonging the pain, making the split-to-be that much harder as you grow closer and closer.

 

I don't know what to tell you - it's up to you. Continue to doggie-paddle in stagnant waters trying to stay afloat, or let him go and give you both the option to find true happiness? Because really, at this point, I'd say that if either one gave up his/her life for the other, there would be some resentment on down the line.

[Mandarine Girl]

I agree...it is unfair for either one of us to give up our life for the other.

It's just been two years of bad timing. I don't know what to tell myself, either.

 

I feel like such a lost cause.

[Island Girl]

I have a really long reply for you but you are up and feeling lost and I wanted to show you some support.

 

You say he is VERY family oriented. Taking vacations with them etc.

 

So what would prevent him from moving back to Asia.

He even says he wants to -- just doesn't know when.

His whole family is there and they are close to his heart as are you.

So is it friends? His job? What ties him there?

[Mandarine Girl]

Thank you for your support... both Island Girl and Soul Search. I really appreciate your kindness.

 

He's been in Australia for 10 years with his younger sister. He's got business there, house and car. I try to be understanding and think, Yeah it's not like when I was a student and when it was time to leave, I just had to pack my things and return my apartment keys.

 

He's been selling a lot of old stuff lately...I don't know if that means anything... I have a tendency to over-read and over-analyse. Asking him about it would just make us chase tails all over again, so I don't.

 

I told him that frankly, I would do this LDR thing if we can see each other every few months and now that we Skype more often, maybe that can fill a void. It used to be so bad that I'd visualise his Messenger window when I thought of him. Skyping is just a toned-down version of seeing each other physically - it's still so hard to say bye and most of the time, I struggle to hold back my tears.

 

He seemed lost as well. It was more of me going "I can't do this anymore" and him going "If you really need closure, then I'll accept your decision" (his exact words).

 

Part of me wanted him to put up a fight....convince me....but there we'd go...chasing our own tails again. And I just "conveniently" didn't give a firm decision.... instead, I chose the easy way out and said, "Let's Skype!"....which started with some tears (from both of us) and moved on to talking about other things..... and him doing the human escalator....stupid things like that.

[Island Girl]

Is it his own business? The business in Australia?

 

Would he be able to work in Asia?

 

And why is he willing to just up and stop after investing this much?

I am not thinking there is a girl but if he thinks he is unable to rise to the occasion THAT is a really big issue.

It speaks to fear of commitment and you really could end up in this cycle forever.

 

I understand exactly where you are coming from. That you are willing to put in the effort if he is just as committed.

 

But if he isn't then he may just need a swift boot. It MAY end up getting his head on straight (it did last time) and it MAY NOT.

But if it doesn't then he was never going to.

 

Your best option is to tell him flat out that you would build a life with him whatever that looks like and however you get there but if he isn't commited to it and he is really second guessing himself then that shows weakness and a lack of commitment to you.

And you can't make up for his side of the equation.

Then make sure you tell him if he gets his act together to contact you. You aren't going to wait around for him but if you are still available at that point you'd love to make it work.

 

Then AS HARD AS IT MAY BE you have to go NC.

 

He can't see what he is going to be losing if you don't show him.

 

And the only time you are receptive to hearing from him is "I made a mistake".

Anything else -- whiny I miss you calls - whatever - are just more of the same. And that is all it'll lead to.

 

He has to know he will lose you.

 

If he is perfectly okay with that well that tells you what you wanted to know right there.

 

No more wasted time on something that was just going to stay stuck.

[Mandarine Girl]

I know that's what I need to do....I've always known.

I just make excuses for the both of us.

 

But seeing it in black and white now somehow makes me feel a little stronger.

I'm gonna take it one day at a time. Thank you!

[Island Girl]

You'll be ready when you truly are wanting and needing something different. When you are really "done" with the whole Merry Go Round.

 

It is difficult and emotions are so strong.

 

I feel for you, I truly do.

 

And I wish I could say something different. But as you said you have always known what you need to do.

 

It is just not what you want to do because you don't want to be without him.

But you aren't really with him now either.

 

By trying to hold on you are actually destroying and distancing the GOOD times of how it is when the two of you are truly together.

Like the sister's wedding, etc.

Keep in mind you want those to be the first things he thinks of when he thinks of you.

 

Just in case you needed something to start pushing you toward a move.

 

You just sound so sad and hurting. I am sorry you are stuck in this position.

 

You should be more than a little angry with him too since he has done this TWICE.

[Mandarine Girl]

Yeah...it's funny how he brings out the best in me but at the cost of my mental and emotional health.

 

It's a lot easier to be angry, too. It's only when it subsides that I feel incredibly sad and alone.

 

I'm probably gonna write him letter. That way, I don't need to hear/say the excuses I've heard/said before.