kristaba Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 So I've been seeing a man for about 7months now, and we've been through a lot. We both are very open about how much we love eachother and really look forward to being in a more serious relationship. But the kicker here is that he's in the throws of a very emotionally draining divorce-complete with his ex having him arrested and threatening his career, he's a cop. He's very understandably upset and overwhelmed by the happenings and open and honest about how he feels he can't give me what I need in a relationship. He's broached the topic of separating for a while and picking up later when things have settled-quite a few times actually. But my theory is that life's circumstances should not hinder love-all things bow down to real love. I am trying to be what he needs, leaving him alone as best I can when he needs space but fear he's going to shut me out entirely. I want to help him through this, even if it means we don't work out in the long run. I just really want to see where this could potentially go, and ending it now seems like I'd have a lot of questions in the future. I'm trying my best to be patient and understanding but it seems to be getting me no where. He broke up with me three times in one week. Every time he talks like that it breaks my heart, and I know that its a lot of self defense mechanisms on his part. Or maybe I just can't see it for what it really is. I just really love him, and am entirely lost as what to do. I want this to work, and he says he does too. He says he doesn't want to not talk to me, but can't be just friends for now, and I can't seem to fit somewhere in between. Its frustrating and heartbreaking and I'd just like some kind of input, from anyone really-especially people going through a messy divorce. Thanks for any input.
Woggle Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 My advice is to cut your losses and let him move on. If his wife is a walkaway or cheated on him right now he feels like he was hit by a mack truck. His soon to be ex his sliced and diced his heart like a chef at a japanese steakhouse. I truly do feel for him but right now he can't be a good partner to you because hhhhe is still trying to put himself back together. Having your wife drop the bomb like that shatters how a man sees the world itself and it will take a while for him to readjust to that. It has nothing whatsoever to do with you but he is in no position at this point to open up to any woman.
Author kristaba Posted March 22, 2009 Author Posted March 22, 2009 I think you're right about the chopped up heart, but oddly enough he left her. He and I started a 'relationship' when they separated, and shortly after he said he loved me, started to speed up the process of divorcing thinking it would be a speedy process-it never is-and wanted to put real effort into making us work. He knew her for 12 years and never thought she'd make it this difficult on him. He said the other day if he had one wish he'd wish this divorce would be done and would ask me to move in with him. Its just frustrating-if it was something wrong with ME, like if he said "I just don't feel for you that way," or "You don't put the cap on the toothepaste," I think I could let go so much easier. But the fact that he says he WANTS to be with me, but CANT, makes it just so hard.
Chessy02 Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 Hi Kristaba, I understand where your man is coming from, as someone in the same situation. It isn't the right time to commit - i believe you are/were just a distraction for him at this time. If you are saying he broke up with his stbxw, it could be she is very hurt, hence making it difficult for him and he is not taking it well. The truth is that if he was at fault or bears considerable part in the break up and think it is going to be easy divorcing rather than face the issues, with time he would begin to see his errors and start questioning himself - the part he played in the break-up. If she is at fault, or considerable part of, hence he went straight for divorce, he may be thinking that he could have done more to remedy the situation rather than head for the divorce. Never never easy. My advice is that you should give the support that you can at this time.
Justanotherschmuck Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 Think about this for a minute. This guy's going through a miserable chapter in his life. A chapter brought on by his believing that another person could devote themselves to him and vice versa. Forever. They said it on their wedding day. ANd now.............hell on earth. Do you REALLY think he is about to enter yet ANOTHER permanent relationship, even BEFORE the other one is done? I agree with the poster above. Leave this guy alone. Let him heal a bit. If this is "true" love like you say it is, it will be around when he's a bit more stable. AND he will be able to devote 100% of his relationship attention to YOU.
signedin2008 Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 But the kicker here is that he's in the throws of a very emotionally draining divorce- You're his mistress. The divorce is not final. They might or might not get back together. Emotions are still high. Stay out of their marriage. He broke up with me three times in one week. He broke up with you for a reason. Why are you so desperate? Let him deal with his marriage. Stay away, woman.
peteyj Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 I'm in a similar situation as your bf. Recently got divorced, ex cheated on me, we tried to work it out but it was more like I tried to work it out while she stayed with me and slept with another man. Things got worse, cops called, arguments, and finally i moved out, she moved back with her dad, and we both are sort of moving on as her new bf didn't want to be with her. I tried to compete at first with hooking up with random girls, partying all the time, getting into trouble, getting numbers, but it was just a downward spiral. I went from being depressed to angry to really angry to lost to sort of accepting to angry again and so on. Then my ex wanted to get back with me, had this sob story and so on. It was more about her hating to move away from where we lived to go live in a place she hates. I was not in a good state of mind but somehow I told her it's just not happening. All she wanted was to be rescued, live with me for awhile, and then the same **** would happen again. I honestly have no feelings for her anymore. Not after everything she did and put me through. I wish her the best and hope all goes well but I'd never want to be with her again. It's one thing to move on and end a relationship. It's another to try and screw somebodies life up and do tons of things after they were the one who cheated and so on. So in all honesty if all this stuff did happen to your bf, he's probably confused now but he most likely doesn't have those same feelings for his ex/wife anymore. Yeah there are still feelings cause they've known one another but it's different. If he's a decent person it's more about hoping the best for somebody who you just want to get the hell away from. As far as the divorce and cheating, yeah at first it was a shock. Knowing my ex for almost 8 years, her being my best friend, and us building a future and life was shattered. I just wanted to feel numb. It felt like the last 6+ years of my life were a waste of time. THe only thing I learned was I should have never fallen in love with her. So If I met somebody when it all first went down, I sure as hell wouldn't want to jump into any new relationship. If I did it would have been more to make the ex jealous, to make me feel good about myself, and so on. As time went on things got a little better and I did meet an interesting woman who sort of liked me. But I wanted to be honest up front and explained to her I was recently divorced and so on. No gory details, no ex stories good or bad.... And that was that. This young woman didn't want to even date me. We sort of are still friends who talk once in a while, might bump into each other once in a while, but nothing ever happened. WHo knows if anything ever will. I doubt it because she probably will remember me as the guy she met who was going through a divorce. Her friends think i'm some guy who just got out of a 6 year relationship and so on...So it is what it is.. I think i'm fine to date others at this point and my divorce is almost final(takes 6 months in CA) and there are no more ties or hangups between my soon to be ex and I. We don't really talk anymore, we don't live in the same state, etc etc. Yeah there are times when I'm feeling out of it but most of the time I'm just readjusting to single life. As far as other issues, yeah it screws with your head when your wife cheats on you and tries to screw you over. If you met him while all this **** was going down.....it's just a weird situation for you to be in in all honesty. He probably is not in the best state of mind.
PWSX3 Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 He needs to do a lot of grieving & healing from the first relationship. Doesn't matter who broke it off, it still hurts for both parties & from experience getting into another relationship does sooth the first one but you still need to do the work to get over that one. Give him the space he needs, if you were meant to be together you will be there for him when it is time.
porter218 Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 The most important factor into your relationship to him is why is he getting divorced. What exactly happened and do you trust him to be telling the truth?? 2 yrs ago I was the stbxw in this situation. He told a new girl in his life that he left me(not true) & he thought I had been cheating on him (a ridiculous lie). I definitely had some spiteful moments and made some serious threats towards him. The truth was I caught him for the 3rd time cheating on me and I kicked him out. He begged and pleaded for the whole separation for me to take him back. And for the first 5 months he pretended he had not started anything new with any other women. So naturally I hit the roof when I found out about her because he had slept in my house begging for me to take him back and even went on a family vacation with me denying her existence. So things got ugly for a while. Always remember there are 2 sides to every story. And with my story...we did get back together eventually, had another planned baby then finally I left him for good.
Justanotherschmuck Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 The most important factor into your relationship to him is why is he getting divorced. What exactly happened and do you trust him to be telling the truth?? 2 yrs ago I was the stbxw in this situation. He told a new girl in his life that he left me(not true) & he thought I had been cheating on him (a ridiculous lie). I definitely had some spiteful moments and made some serious threats towards him. The truth was I caught him for the 3rd time cheating on me and I kicked him out. He begged and pleaded for the whole separation for me to take him back. And for the first 5 months he pretended he had not started anything new with any other women. So naturally I hit the roof when I found out about her because he had slept in my house begging for me to take him back and even went on a family vacation with me denying her existence. So things got ugly for a while. Always remember there are 2 sides to every story. And with my story...we did get back together eventually, had another planned baby then finally I left him for good. Great point, Porter.
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