Thinking of cheating on my husband

[sunnyO]

We've been married for 8 years, have two beautiful kids and are considered to be a model married couple. We have even been asked for advice by recently married friends on how to keep a marriage going and fresh for years.

 

Yesterday we had a romantic "date" and today I was thinking of cheating. And I realized: I've been thinking of cheating for a while. Every time after sex. I am not happy with the sex, that must be it.

 

It's nothing new, and I've worked on improving it all these years. He seems to be happy with it, appreciative of my efforts and putting forth an effort himself. He loves me, he is a good and reliable family man, and while I can't say I've ever been madly in love, I do see myself spending the rest of my life with him. In fact that is my firm plan.

 

However, I'm so crazy with dissatisfaction that I am ready to jump any guy innocently standing in front of me. I think my coworkers really feel it, it must be the pheromones that make their heads turn despite me not being in my best shape.

 

What am I going to do? I've tryed to fix this for 8 years and now it's coming to a head because I've started a new job with plenty of readily available bachelors, and they are all just driving me nuts.

[Lizzie60]

Wow.. this is a tough one.. you're surrounded with hot males.. and you're desparetely craving for sex... hummm... methink if one of these hotties make a pass at you.. you'll be toooooo weak to resist..

 

I have no advice.. you'll end up doing what you want .. which is... probably cheat..

 

Just think it over really hard.. since once you start.. you'll crave for more.

[NewSunrise]

You can't have it both ways. Your phermones, hormones---whatever. Fantasies have one hell of a way of screwing things up.

 

Cheat and you might not have a husband to go home to. Cheat and you might expose yourself and husband to STD. Cheat and you'll be the talk of the office. Cheat and you might not have a job---especially if you're going to play footsies with a co-worker in a workplace that frowns upon just that cheating. Cheat and you might cheat with the wrong person whose SO might come after you and your family. Cheat and you might lose EVERYTHING especially if you live in a "fault" state. So if you're willing to risk it all just to get screwed a bunch of office frat boys other than by your husband chances are it won't take you long for you to take your panties off.

 

If sex is a bore in your bedroom, the ONLY mature and responsible thing to do is tell your husband what your needs are. Tell him if he doesn't spice things up, you might burst and cheat. And then see what he says.

 

Hell, it might be something he's been waiting from you to initiate. Maybe your taste for sex just got kinkier and want to experiement. He might be open to it. OR you two might even consider upgrading your marriage into one that is "OPEN". At least then he too might entertain the idea of boinking someone else besides you.

 

It's a fair proposition don't you think? After all isn't marriage supposed to be a "MUTUAL" thing?

[Reggie]

I would definitely talk to your husband about the lack of fulfilment. Not sure if I'd mention the potential for cheating, though, as it may look like a threat. Many people do not react well to that kind of pressure.

On the cheating, NewSunrise has explained the downside. Ialso thin it would eat you up inside, if you ave a conscience. It could fester and really mess up your chances to fix your marriage. Once that line is crossed, even if it is not discovered, there seems to be forces that strat eroding the marriage further.

Most folks won't consider an open marriage. Not sure of your husband's view on that. But, NewSunrise is right. If you are going to do it, cheat that is, you owe your husband the choice to have similar expieriences.

The resentment form being decieved is really bad. He probably has similar opportunities but is refraining in reliance on your vows.

[NewSunrise]

Not sure if I'd mention the potential for cheating, though, as it may look like a threat. Many people do not react well to that kind of pressure.

Ahhh, c'mon Reggie. I was talking about....you know....BOB! Especially if she hasn't introduced big BOB to hubby! :D:D

[norajane]

have two beautiful kids

 

I do see myself spending the rest of my life with him. In fact that is my firm plan.

 

So, imagine looking those two beautiful kids in the eye every single time you lie to them in order to meet your lover. Yeah, I get it, you'll "work late" or whatever and you won't see their eyes right then, but, that's what you'll be doing. "Mommy was working late (f*cking her co-worker and lying to daddy and you) and couldn't be here for you."

 

Does that feel good? Is that who you want to be? Do you want to be that woman stepping out on her family so you can get some hot sex? Do you want to be the woman the office is whispering about behind your back, that you're doing one, two, three of the hot guys there?

 

Do you want to be the woman who explains to those beautiful kids why daddy's crying and why you're dividing up the furniture when he finds out you've been cheating and decides there's nothing to do but divorce?

 

Start flirting with your husband. Turn all that energy onto him. Go to marriage counseling. Sit him down and tell him your marriage is in trouble. Because IT IS.

 

Don't just take what you think is the easy road - cheating, sneaking around, hiding. If you really intend to be married to this man forever, then do the hard thing and MAKE IT WORK. Cheating will not make anything easier. It will just likely take you further apart as the lies and deceptions and betrayal builds between you.

I can't say I've ever been madly in love

And yet you married him. Basically, used him to get what you wanted, a husband, a man who loves YOU, kids. Well, now you've got what you wanted, so suck it up and do the hard thing and make your marriage work. Or get a divorce. But don't be a lying cheating bitch, because you do have to look those beautiful kids in the eye for the rest of your life and that can't be who you want to be to them.

[redfathom]

Nothing says the sex with any one of those men you work with will be better then sex with your hubby, so why chance it...

 

There are sex therapists out there who can help. You can also ask hubby for an open relationship, but cheating and breaking his trust is a big "no, no".

[michelangelo]

 

Cheat and you might not have a husband to go home to. Cheat and you might expose yourself and husband to STD. Cheat and you'll be the talk of the office. Cheat and you might not have a job---especially if you're going to play footsies with a co-worker in a workplace that frowns upon just that cheating. Cheat and you might cheat with the wrong person whose SO might come after you and your family. Cheat and you might lose EVERYTHING especially if you live in a "fault" state. So if you're willing to risk it all just to get screwed a bunch of office frat boys other than by your husband chances are it won't take you long for you to take your panties off.

 

 

Well said.

[Mr. Lucky]

Yesterday we had a romantic "date" and today I was thinking of cheating. And I realized: I've been thinking of cheating for a while. Every time after sex. I am not happy with the sex, that must be it.

How do you know that you're not the cause of the sexual dysfunction in your marriage? It's to have great sex without an emotional connection and, your patronizing assesment of your husband's qualities aside, you seem to lack that in your marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LucreziaBorgia]

In a philanderer's ideal world, you would be able to get away with it: a comfortable, stable home life with which you are satisfied, and an outside life of primal hot sex that you can indulge in from time to time and head home afterward. If there were no outside factors, this would probably work. Here are some outside factors to consider if you take this on:

 

1. Your husband will notice a change in your body language, verbal cues, etc. Spouses aren't dumb. They notice when something is going on. They just tend to deny it or explain it away until it gets to the point of no return.

 

2. The time you spend out having extramarital sex will have to be in the middle of the night, when your husband and children are asleep. That is the only way you will truly not disrupt your home life. Any time you take from your family and give to an affair partner will be noticed by your husband and children. Making up an excuse won't work - eventually the spouse checks up on it (see point 1 above) to see if it checks out.

 

3. Your spouse will eventually catch on and start monitoring you. Expect something like GPS, keyloggers, cell phone bill monitoring, checking on your times/dates/etc. You have to be the master of deception to pull this off, and if you aren't - then you will eventually get snared.

 

4. Your coworkers will find out. Like it or not, people can tell when two people are involved on some level or are about to be involved. They never, ever fool anyone as much as they think they do. Even if they don't know for sure, speculation will be taken as 'fact' and eventually one or more of your employees will spread the word, file a complaint, and/or contact your spouse. Do not, under any circumstance consider an affair with a coworker (or a friend of the family) - the saying "don't sh*t where you eat" applies here.

 

5. Understand that the person you are wanting to cheat with represents the biggest complication of all. You, as a woman are designed to bond chemically with someone you have an orgasm with. That chemical release is often mistaken for 'falling in love'. You will likely fall head over heels and become attached. Same for your partner (unless you choose a compartmentalized person with sociopathic tendencies or have them yourself - people like this can have all the outside sex they want and never, ever get attached, but it is very rare for a woman to be that way because of her biochemistry)

 

6. If you can't handle the idea of losing everything you have, then don't cheat. It is as simple as that. Never risk anything you aren't willing and able to lose. This could easily result in a divorce, splitting of assets, and you being demoted down to a part time mom. People who cheat never consider this part - that they are putting their family and home at risk. I've said before that affairs have insane highs and insane lows. Never go higher than you are willing to fall.

 

 

What you are feeling is depressingly normal. Our bodies and brains don't change when we put rings on our fingers. We still feel desire, lust, etc. for others, and over time the desire, lust, etc we feel for our partners loses its lustre. Some people just handle it differently than others. Some cheat, some find a way to cope and make it work. It depends on how much you are willing to risk or not.

[sunnyO]

Lucrezia, I like that quote--"Advice is what you ask for when you already know the answer but wish you didn't."

-- Erica Jong

 

It pretty much sums it up.

 

Maybe we need a vacation...

 

and who's bob?

[sunnyO]

How do you know that you're not the cause of the sexual dysfunction in your marriage?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Well how should I know? And the question is not who to blame, but how to fix it.

[NewSunrise]

Lucrezia, I like that quote--"Advice is what you ask for when you already know the answer but wish you didn't."

-- Erica Jong

 

and who's bob?

 

Battery Operated Boyfriend...

[NewSunrise]

Well how should I know? And the question is not who to blame, but how to fix it.

How to fix it? What reality show have you been watching, SunnyO?

 

You don't fixt whatever it is with CHEATING. Sure, cheating is a quick fix to your dilemma. So if you think it will fix things, go right ahead. But be willing to pay a high price.

 

You are self-absorved selfishly thinking only about yourself, nevermind those closest to you.

 

So how to fixt it? You fix it the way you want it fixed it the shoes were the other way around. TOGETHER!

 

You already know the consequences of cheating. You've got ONE shot in doing the RIGHT thing. Once you've crossed that line, you'll be wishing everyday for the rest of your life, wishing you hadn't done it. But if you don't care and are prepared for the consequences, then go ahead, cheat. You'll do it anyway. You're on LS looking for justifcation for what you are about to do.

 

I'm sure there's enough guys in your office willing to do it just for the sex. Just don't be disappointed if any of those guys won't be there to catch you when your marriage falls apart.

 

Good luck.

[NewSunrise]

Well said.

Thanks. And one more thing...most important of all...

 

Cheat and you will lose the respect and trust of your children, husband, parents (yours and his), family members, co-workers, friends and all who know you.

 

So, SunnyO, if you don't care about any of it, then hey, more power to you.

 

So start practicing the good-bye part and figure out where/how your finances are, how you'll support yourself, where you'll live, (don't expect the welcome mat when you get home once your H finds out) visitation and custodial rights of the children, and divorce attorney. If you live in a "fault" state, the cheating spouse risk losing it all. No worries, your attorney will tell you all that.

[smarterthanbefore]

In a philanderer's ideal world, you would be able to get away with it: a comfortable, stable home life with which you are satisfied, and an outside life of primal hot sex that you can indulge in from time to time and head home afterward. If there were no outside factors, this would probably work. Here are some outside factors to consider if you take this on:

 

1. Your husband will notice a change in your body language, verbal cues, etc. Spouses aren't dumb. They notice when something is going on. They just tend to deny it or explain it away until it gets to the point of no return.

 

2. The time you spend out having extramarital sex will have to be in the middle of the night, when your husband and children are asleep. That is the only way you will truly not disrupt your home life. Any time you take from your family and give to an affair partner will be noticed by your husband and children. Making up an excuse won't work - eventually the spouse checks up on it (see point 1 above) to see if it checks out.

 

3. Your spouse will eventually catch on and start monitoring you. Expect something like GPS, keyloggers, cell phone bill monitoring, checking on your times/dates/etc. You have to be the master of deception to pull this off, and if you aren't - then you will eventually get snared.

 

4. Your coworkers will find out. Like it or not, people can tell when two people are involved on some level or are about to be involved. They never, ever fool anyone as much as they think they do. Even if they don't know for sure, speculation will be taken as 'fact' and eventually one or more of your employees will spread the word, file a complaint, and/or contact your spouse. Do not, under any circumstance consider an affair with a coworker (or a friend of the family) - the saying "don't sh*t where you eat" applies here.

 

5. Understand that the person you are wanting to cheat with represents the biggest complication of all. You, as a woman are designed to bond chemically with someone you have an orgasm with. That chemical release is often mistaken for 'falling in love'. You will likely fall head over heels and become attached. Same for your partner (unless you choose a compartmentalized person with sociopathic tendencies or have them yourself - people like this can have all the outside sex they want and never, ever get attached, but it is very rare for a woman to be that way because of her biochemistry)

 

6. If you can't handle the idea of losing everything you have, then don't cheat. It is as simple as that. Never risk anything you aren't willing and able to lose. This could easily result in a divorce, splitting of assets, and you being demoted down to a part time mom. People who cheat never consider this part - that they are putting their family and home at risk. I've said before that affairs have insane highs and insane lows. Never go higher than you are willing to fall.

 

 

What you are feeling is depressingly normal. Our bodies and brains don't change when we put rings on our fingers. We still feel desire, lust, etc. for others, and over time the desire, lust, etc we feel for our partners loses its lustre. Some people just handle it differently than others. Some cheat, some find a way to cope and make it work. It depends on how much you are willing to risk or not.

 

She gave you spot on advice here, but here's another thing to consider. How will you handle the hurt and pain you cause your husband and children. How will you explain your cheating to your children. Trust me, they will find out, no matter how you try to cover it up. How will you handle knowing they will blame you for daddy leaving, and never respect you because you didn't respect yourself, your family or your marriage. How will you handle your kids not wanting relationship advise from thier unfaithful mother. A lot to think about. Cheating is not worth it. A 4 second orgasm will cost you a lifetime. Please rise above your temptation and save yourself and your family. I suggest you cruise this site, and see the devastation caused by infidelity. I am the daugher of a man who cheated on her mother and broke up the family. My parents are still married, but the family is broken, all because he couldn't keep it in his pants. I have no respect for him, and barely have a relationship with him. I'm dealing with the pain caused by his affair which resulted in an outside child. What if he would have given my mother HIV? Have you even thought about STD's you are risking giving to yourself and your husband. Condoms break everyday. Trust me on this one, i'm a nurse and see the devastaion of cheated on spouses who come up positive with HIV and other STD's due to a broken condom from the wayward spouse. Fix the problems in your marriage. Your vows are for better or worse, not to cheat when I feel like it. I hope this helps. By the way, my father hid his infidelity for 8 years, but secrets always come to the light. You will be caught one way or another, that's karma. By the way, Herpes can be transmitted with or without a condom, something else to think about. The day I went with my mother to the doctor to get an HIV test after she found out will forever be burned in my memory. The tears, the fear of what if it is positive, the unfairness of it all. I will never look at my father the same way. I still love him, but he could have taken my mother away wih deadly STD's. That is unforgivable. Do want your children to feel this way about you. DO you want to hear your husband call you a wh0re and a slut and tell you he hate and can't stand to look at you or touch you. He will consider you tainted, as you have been defiled in his eyes by another man's penis. Please don't do it.

[Mr. Lucky]

Well how should I know? And the question is not who to blame, but how to fix it.

You are self-absorved selfishly thinking only about yourself, nevermind those closest to you.

 

So how to fixt it? You fix it the way you want it fixed it the shoes were the other way around. TOGETHER!

Well, NewSunrise covered most of it. There are a million ways couples address sexual issues together, and none of the healthy ones involve sleeping with some guy you work with.

 

What have you said to your H about this part of your marriage?

 

Mr. Lucky

[deluded realist]

I know it's easier said than done, but as unhappy as you feel you are now, it's nothing compared to the rollercoaster of pain, depression and misery you are most likely to experience as the result of an affair.

 

EVEN IF YOU NEVER GET CAUGHT.

 

Affairs usually do not work out because, well, guess what? They're wrong. Not just wrong morally, but wrong all the way around because healthy, stable and loving relationships do not function the same way an affair does.

 

Trust me, it's not worth it. Right now I'm on the rollercoaster of ending only a 2 MONTH A (we are BOTH married, but his wife was also cheating on him) and I was never prepared for the emptiness and devastation I'm feeling right now.

 

I love him, he loves me. But I also knew he loved his wife and was just not brave enough to face the fact that she was cheating on him. Because I DO love him as his friend, I could not stand her playing him for a fool like she was (for over a year, I might add). I knew if he had any chance of fixing his marriage, he had to know the truth and then go in there and fix it.

 

We never got "caught". I loved him enough to let him go when I could see that our feelings for each other were becoming far too intense. I showed him the undeniable proof she was cheating. I forced him to face it and try to fix his marriage. Before I even showed him, I knew that would be the end of us but it was the right thing to do. I didn't think I would feel such a gaping hole in my life without him, but I do.

 

Hopefully some good comes of this--he can be happy again in his marriage. My only consolation is that, in spite of the horrendous thing I was guilty of doing, in the end, I did the right thing. But it hurts like hell now and I'm 10x sadder, lonelier and emptier than I was before I took up with him.

 

Save yourself the heartache, honey. Good things rarely come of affairs. You are just going to get your heart broken, trust me. And if you are "lucky", like ME? It'll just be YOUR heart that gets broken that you have to deal with----not your husband's and familie's as well.

 

I know EXACTLY where you are at. I'm STILL there. TALK TO THE MAN. If you can't get through to him, love him enough to let him go. Seriously.

You do not want to be me right now......

 

DON'T. Just don't.

[Heather1]

I work w/ all men & have been around these guys for 10 years, all really good looking guys. Even single, NEVER pick from the guys you work with. You'll be open season for the rest of the guys knowing you're available & knowing they'll have an out for further commitment because you're married. In no time, you'll have WAY more attention and disrespect from co-workers than you can imagine. The attention will be from the bottom of the barrel guys. Good guys wouldn't sign up for that.

[Dexter Morgan]

We've been married for 8 years, have two beautiful kids and are considered to be a model married couple. We have even been asked for advice by recently married friends on how to keep a marriage going and fresh for years.

 

Yesterday we had a romantic "date" and today I was thinking of cheating. And I realized: I've been thinking of cheating for a while. Every time after sex. I am not happy with the sex, that must be it.

 

It's nothing new, and I've worked on improving it all these years. He seems to be happy with it, appreciative of my efforts and putting forth an effort himself. He loves me, he is a good and reliable family man, and while I can't say I've ever been madly in love, I do see myself spending the rest of my life with him. In fact that is my firm plan.

 

However, I'm so crazy with dissatisfaction that I am ready to jump any guy innocently standing in front of me.

 

 

I'd say your dissatisfaction stems from being fickle. You have been with the same guy for more than 8 years. You are a mother now and you simply want the thrill of a new face to have sex with.

 

 

I think my coworkers really feel it, it must be the pheromones that make their heads turn despite me not being in my best shape.

 

What am I going to do? I've tryed to fix this for 8 years and now it's coming to a head because I've started a new job with plenty of readily available bachelors, and they are all just driving me nuts.

 

Well my guess is that even if the sex at home was great, you seem the type that is attracted to too many different guys. Again, fickle if you will.

 

But what to do? I can't say divorce, but damn i feel bad for your husband. Maybe you need to get into individual counseling.

[Owl]

OK...you're not satisfied with "things" in your marriage.

 

And you raised the valid question, but you've completely left out some critical information.

 

The valid question is: What can we do to fix it?

 

The cricital information you've not mentioned is: What have you done so far to try to fix it?

 

Have you talked with your H about the situation? Attempted to make changes to improve things? Offered suggestions, guidance on how to make it more enjoyable? Explained to him just how unhappy with this aspect of your marriage you are?

 

Have you tried to pinpoint exactly what it is that's leaving you unhappy/dissatisfied?

 

It sounds as though you've tried avoiding doing the actual WORK of finding and fixing the problem, and quantum leaped ahead to a potential answer...cheating.

 

Bad juju.

 

So what's your gameplan from here?

[whichwayisup]

OK...you're not satisfied with "things" in your marriage

 

And what is easier in the long run? Being honest and fixing your marriage, or slipping out and cheating? If you cheat, you'll be creating MORE issues and problems that WILL mess you up badly and hurt other people.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Yesterday we had a romantic "date" and today I was thinking of cheating. And I realized: I've been thinking of cheating for a while. Every time after sex. I am not happy with the sex, that must be it.

 

... what part are you unhappy with? No orgasms?

 

Before you decide a course of action... you need to figure out what the problem really is. Right now you seem to just be confused.

 

My opinion is that your problem, is not really your problem. You need to dig deeper on this one.

 

Maybe you don't feel passionate about your husband, and you seek that passion!

[NewSunrise]

... what part are you unhappy with? No orgasms?

 

Before you decide a course of action... you need to figure out what the problem really is. Right now you seem to just be confused.

 

My opinion is that your problem, is not really your problem. You need to dig deeper on this one.

 

Maybe you don't feel passionate about your husband, and you seek that passion!

I think her "problem" is the andrenaline rush that cheating---a dark phantom that will and can do to the mind.

 

My guess is that she's obsessed with that thought----complulsive thought. And you know what happens when it gets to that point, don't you? They have to do it.

[Athena]

... what part are you unhappy with? No orgasms?

 

 

I doubt that -- look at her username -- sunnyO