dissuasion Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 Okay, I've been in a LDR with my boyfriend for about two years now. We're both very young (I'm 18 and he's 19) but we're considering spending the rest of our lives together once we're done college. I'm seeing him again during the summer for three months which I can't wait for, however, something came up the other day. The past couple weeks he was talking about this girl who kept bugging for his number and he finally gave it to her so they could hang out and stuff, but she obviously liked him. I felt uncomfortable about this, but I let it slide because I don't want to be the selfish girlfriend who restricts friendships. Well, a couple days ago he sent me a message saying he did something last night that he felt awful about. He said he was cuddling the girl in his dorm bed because ever since i left (during christmas) he's been longing for human closeness and companionship (he's a very romantic, love hug squeeze everyone kinda guy, very touchy-feely). Apparently this girl has a lot of problems and stuff so they were cuddling and talking when she kissed him. He didn't kiss back, and asked her why, and she said she got 'caught in the moment'. He said they cuddled some more and slept in the same bed for the night, facing away from each other. I was mortified when he told me, and he says he feels absolutely terrible for what he did as it was completely against everything he believes in. I asked her if she turned him on at all and he said a little, but only cause she's cute and it was the same as with any other girl... We both feel horrible at the moment cause nothing like this has ever happened before, and he says he cant talk to me or say i love you because he feels so bad about it. After he told me what happened, he sent this message: 'i cant say anything..because i know nothing i do will solve anything. ive done an awful thing, succumbed to weakness, and worst of all ive hurt you in ways i cant fathom. i understand if you'll never trust me completely ever again, i deserve it for being so worthless. so spit on me, yell at me, hit me when the time comes, its what is befitting of me. for a moment i turned my back on everything on ever stood for, every virtue, every honor, and even the most important, my word. By my code i am worthless, nothing, but there are worse things than being worthless. Ive hurt you, the only person ive ever truly loved, the one i would gladly surrender my life for, and dissolved your trust in me. I tell you that things like 'i'd die for you' and sometimes it doesnt seem likely, but it's frighteningly real. Knowing ive caused that person greif because of my actions cuts me you know i never cry, not even when we last parted and watched each other leave, but im crying now. I can only beg for forgiveness because simply asking would be paltry given the grief ive obviously engraved on both our hearts. I dont expect all to be forgotten and forsee a long time where a shadow will follow me wherever i go, but existing like that is better than continuing as i am now. i always told myself that people who write long letters about forgiveness were fools, but i understand why they do it...' I feel extremely depressed about this whole thing and I'm scared I won't get over it, any advice, loveshack?
samsungxoxo Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 So to hear that, he's really not worth it if he can't keep to his words. The fact that he's a very sensitive guy that needs company when being in the long distance relationship should tell you that he does not really know what he wants and thus he is not ready for commitment. Even if you guys did work that out, it will not be the same again. If he was really into you then he would have walk away, thus rejecting her approaches.
Author dissuasion Posted March 22, 2009 Author Posted March 22, 2009 I don't think you can say that unless you've been in a long LDR... no matter how much you love someone it's always possible to make a mistake like that out of missing the other person. He didn't have sex with her or anything. I'm not going to leave him at the drop of a hat because he's one of the most important things in my life, not just some random dude. I'd just like advice about mending our relationship, he's having a hard time talking to me because he's always prided himself on doing the right thing and having very strong morals and he can't stand knowing he did something like that which hurt me. =( I asked him how he'd feel if i did the exact same thing with a guy, and he said it wouldnt REALLY bother him if I snuggled with another guy, but he'd want to break his face if he kissed me. That makes him feel pretty horrible too, the double standard.
samsungxoxo Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 I don't think you can say that unless you've been in a long LDR... no matter how much you love someone it's always possible to make a mistake like that out of missing the other person. He didn't have sex with her or anything. I'm not going to leave him at the drop of a hat because he's one of the most important things in my life, not just some random dude. To answer your question, yes I have been in a LDR before and no I never cheated but then again maybe there was not the chance for me. Indeed he does seem so remorseful which is an important step toward fixing a relationship where cheating was involved and great to hear that you want to work that out but you must also be aware that gaining back that trust will take time now. At least he did not have sex with her which is good.
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 First of all, I'd let him know that forgiveness can only come with the truth. Tell him to cut the crap with all of the gushy stuff and come clean. I can tell you this: he is telling you only the amount of the truth he can get away with at this point, and only half truths at that. I suspect if you were to talk to this girl you would hear the same story with entirely different details. He's not telling you what happened. He is telling you what he thinks you will let him get away with. Trust me - if a guy does not like or want a girl at all she can bug him until the cows come home and she will still not succeed. I would not take him back or even consider forgiveness with such a ridiculous story and over the top 'apology'. When he is ready to tell you the truth, then you can go from there.
samsungxoxo Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 True I kinda suspected there was a bit more into it, than only the cuddling story.
Author dissuasion Posted March 22, 2009 Author Posted March 22, 2009 wow you guys must've had some bad experiences with men. I asked him repeatedly if it was the whole truth and he assures me it was. He's a cuddly guy, and to him it wasn't absolutely horrible what he was doing but once he realized how much it hurt me he's doing his absolute hardest to make amends. We're still teenagers, and I think it's very mature of him to fess up to this. I trust thats the only thing he did with her because I know the kind of guy he is-- he loves physically connecting with people, but he knew having sex with this girl would be completely wrong. He's spanish/puerto rican and thats the atmosphere he grew up in, if that tells more about what he's like :/
Chinook Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 First of all, I'd let him know that forgiveness can only come with the truth. Tell him to cut the crap with all of the gushy stuff and come clean. I can tell you this: he is telling you only the amount of the truth he can get away with at this point, and only half truths at that. I suspect if you were to talk to this girl you would hear the same story with entirely different details. He's not telling you what happened. He is telling you what he thinks you will let him get away with. Trust me - if a guy does not like or want a girl at all she can bug him until the cows come home and she will still not succeed. I would not take him back or even consider forgiveness with such a ridiculous story and over the top 'apology'. When he is ready to tell you the truth, then you can go from there. Sorry, I know you said that LB must have had some bad experiences with men, but I can whole-heartedly back her 100%. Cuddly or not, there is more to this than he's telling you and there are very few instances of girls and guys sleeping in the same bed and nothing at all happening. He's working out that if you're okay with that... then he can get away with it. How do we know this...? Time and time again we've seen this on Loveshack... guy feeds a girl a line, girl gets hurt and upset about it, guy says it was nothing, girl believes him.... girl comes back later to tell us we're right afterall.
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 It isn't so much bad experiences that I've had with men. Its experiences cheating with boys like your boyfriend. I had a nearly identical experience in college. The guy (a devout Catholic who would never, ever cheat convinced his girlfriend that it was as lame and one sided (and only one time) as your boyfriend convinced you, and apologized in a nearly identical fashion. She believed him. Unfortunately. I'm not trying to be negative. I'm telling you as a person who is close friends with several guys: if a guy does not like or want a girl at all - there is nothing she can do to convince him to take her number (without throwing it away when she isn't looking), or hang out with her, much less 'cuddle' - particularly if he knows she likes him. A guy who is not attracted at all will recoil at even the idea of snuggling with someone he doesn't want. A guy who is attracted will. A guy who feels guilty and doesn't want to get dumped will lie about it. They nearly all do. I've been the OW plenty of times. Plenty. I've also been the 'cheater' more than a few times. I tell you not from my own bad experiences, but from the point of view of a person who created bad experiences for other people. When I see this kind of stuff it makes me upset to see how easy it is to pull something like this off, and how willing people are to 'buy' the stories. I try to atone in a way for my own reprehensible behavior by giving more of an 'insiders' view. If it comes off as cynical, well... that's because it is. When you strip away the fluff, reality is usually an ugly thing. People lie. They cheat. They get away with it. Some confess, but it is usually the tip of the iceberg. They assuage their guilt some, and still get to keep the relationship.
Author dissuasion Posted March 22, 2009 Author Posted March 22, 2009 I know what you guys are talking about completely and you guys may scoff at me but I know our relationship is much different. He's so unlike any guy I ever knew. You say MOST relationships end up like that but I honestly believe mine is the exception. Do you guys realize it IS physically possible to have the opposite sex in the same bed and not sleep with them. A lot of guys don't have self control but I sincerely believe my guy does. I talked to him about what guys said and he said 'you're stereotyping me, just because so many guys can't help themselves doesn't mean I'm one of them. I didn't feel the need to put my dick in her vagina, I missed the feeling of closeness with a girl.' I asked if I could talk to the girl later and he said alright. You may say that they're concocting a scheme and she'll lie to me, but of ALL the time I've known him he's NEVER given me a reason to see him as malicious. You could also say that maybe I never really knew him, but that possibility seems so remote to me. All relationships are different, and you can't say what happens in one will happen in another. I was wondering if anyone here could have comforting words for me, but I guess not.
Author dissuasion Posted March 22, 2009 Author Posted March 22, 2009 I also asked him why he didn't stop her advances and he said they watched movies and stuff together, like with his guy friends, and he didn't expect anything else to happen. She stayed the night because it was late and she lived all the way across campus, and he had his roommate in the room so its not like they could've been going at it like nuts :/
samsungxoxo Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 We're not saying that his story is not true, it might be but our point was that in most cases that does seem to happened. I mean come on why would a guy sleep in the same bed with a girl unless they were brothers and sisters by blood. Even so that would still not be right. I would give him the benefit of the doubt if I were you.
sally4sara Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 I know what you guys are talking about completely and you guys may scoff at me but I know our relationship is much different. He's so unlike any guy I ever knew. At your age, you don't know many men to compare him too. I think your best bet is to just figure the worst thing that could happen DID happen and go from there. Can you forgive the worst case scenario? If you can then stay with him. If you can't don't kid yourself and try to convince yourself that it was the way he says because you will always wonder if it was much much more. For this reason you might as well stop wondering what did and didn't happen. You will never know for certain.
bean1 Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 dissuasion, I'm not sure what you are expecting to hear from us, but us "older" ladies have been through that song & dance several times at your age and beyond, it's not that we've all had bad experiences with men, it is just that we recognize the classic signs. However, this is something that you will just have to learn on your own. You are 18, you have lots of experiences still waitin. After all, I doubt any of us listened to our older/wiser sisters at the time either (I know I sure didn't)
Star Gazer Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 You're totally defending your BF's actions. So what if he's Puerto Rican? So what if he likes physical touch? He shouldn't be snuggling anyone except his GF. Cheating is cheating. If it's really not that big of a deal to you, let him snuggle her (and other women) every night you're apart.
samsungxoxo Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 You're totally defending your BF's actions. So what if he's Puerto Rican? So what if he likes physical touch? He shouldn't be snuggling anyone except his GF. Cheating is cheating. If it's really not that big of a deal to you, let him snuggle her (and other women) every night you're apart. Or even better. Ask him if you can do the same thing whenever you feel lonely or depress. Bring a guy home and cuddle him then tell your boyfriend about it. My guess is that won't like it.
lizzzz Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 This is a waaaay late responce but I just wanted to write something incase someone in a similar position looks at this thread for help. I have cheated recently. I don't know how you feel but can I tell you from the other side just so you might understand his position better. I feel horrific. Crying, terrified of telling him, and I can't talk to anyone about it. The thing is, you don't realise what you've done until afterwards. Then there is no way to take it back. It feels like you've stabbed yourself and the person you love. He is probably more upset about it than you. He seems to love you and I would say he will not want to relive the guilt he feels ever again so I would not worry about him doing anything similar again. He cares about YOU. NOT this other girl. At the end of the day, people sometimes make mistakes. The hardest obstacle to get your relationship back on track is to make the power balance even again. You can't be happy in a relationship where one person feels guilty all the time and feels like they 'owe' their partner for hurting them. If you are 100% sure you want to be with him and be happy you need to reassure him that you can both get over it. Let him know you understand how much he is hurting as well, and don't be angry at him. It will be hard for you to get over it and be ok with the past, but it will be hard for him to live with the guilt as well. Both of you need to work together and have good honest communication. Getting over cheating is a team effort. You can't do it without talking to him about it, even if you both hate disscussing it.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I feel extremely depressed about this whole thing and I'm scared I won't get over it, any advice, loveshack? First off, if you think absolutely nothing happend beyond snuggling, think again. At the very least he kissed her. Secondly, you are young, this is a LDR, and you have your whole life ahead of you. Only way to truly get over this is to dump him and move on.
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