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He won't accept that I'm gone - Feel extremely guilty for leaving like this.

Li33

By Li33
in Separation and Divorce

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Li33 New Member

Li33

Posted
Posted

I left my husband of 13 yrs about 2 weeks ago. We had been together for 15 yrs and I have been unhappy for a very long time. I don't love him anymore; nor am I attracted to him... For over two years now. He has two personallities... One is the greatest guy in the world and the other is angry controlling degrading and manipulative. I got to the point where I just want to be free to find my soulmate... he's not it. Now in my mid thirties and living back with my parents.

 

He is not handling it well at all; I thought he was going to be angry, but instead he is extremely sad and depressed. I feel extremely guilty for leaving, but there is no way in hell that I am going back. I have always been told that I put others feelings before my own way too much and that I am too nice. He can be a great guy, but just not with me.

 

There are some hurtful things I could tell him that might get him mad enough at me that he wouldn't want me back, but I just can't bring myself to hurt him further. I agreed to go to marriage counciling, but I made it clear at the first session that I am only there to support him... I have no intention or desire to get back together.

 

Do I have to become a bitch to get him to let go?

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

Only go to MC if it is your desire at the beginning to improve or recover the M. If other, go to IC, if you need to (encourage him to as well) and file for D. Keep moving, even if only slowly. Try divorce mediation.

 

You don't have to get him to let go. You let him go. You live with your parents. Meet with him and a mediator to discuss marital asset and liability division.

LakesideDream Established Member

LakesideDream

Posted
Posted

Li33, 15 years is a long time. Your husband (or soon to be ex) is problably feeling a lot of bad things. Rejection being amongst the worst. He's beginning to feel a huge hole forming in his life.

 

This is reasonable and to be expected. Time will make his feelings easier to deal with. It might help for you to remind him of this. Although it probably won't matter. He's hurt and he's supposed to be.

 

Oh... and whats the point in blaming him for hurting? It's a process.

edgeof27 Member

edgeof27

Posted
Posted
I left my husband of 13 yrs about 2 weeks ago. We had been together for 15 yrs and I have been unhappy for a very long time. I don't love him anymore; nor am I attracted to him... For over two years now. He has two personallities... One is the greatest guy in the world and the other is angry controlling degrading and manipulative. I got to the point where I just want to be free to find my soulmate... he's not it. Now in my mid thirties and living back with my parents.

 

He is not handling it well at all; I thought he was going to be angry, but instead he is extremely sad and depressed. I feel extremely guilty for leaving, but there is no way in hell that I am going back. I have always been told that I put others feelings before my own way too much and that I am too nice. He can be a great guy, but just not with me.

 

There are some hurtful things I could tell him that might get him mad enough at me that he wouldn't want me back, but I just can't bring myself to hurt him further. I agreed to go to marriage counciling, but I made it clear at the first session that I am only there to support him... I have no intention or desire to get back together.

 

Do I have to become a bitch to get him to let go?

 

for both your sakes,

 

let him know that you are serious,

 

tell him to "man-up", &, that he will find someone else to fill the "vacancy",

 

do not be "soft" with him, he will only take this as there being a possiblity of reconciliation,

 

tough love is the only way now for you both to be happy,

 

soul-mates are waiting, move on......

 

g.

CaliforniaGirl Established Member

CaliforniaGirl

Posted
Posted

Oh, hon. I know how this feels SO well. This is how I felt leaving my first husband. He was (is) an alcoholic. I tried everything to "help" him stop. I even tried a period of just not mentioning it, period, and giving him his space about it. But nothing worked, it was affecting my son so I had to go.

 

Other than the drinking (but the drinking was a BIG problem), he was a fabulous guy. Emotional, loving, respectful, smart and funny. So I really felt like a beyotch leaving him sad and depressed. And even though I had given him step-by-step info that I was leaving--I even switched to a temp job from my permanent one so I could make more money to cushion myself for a move--he was still shocked and sad when I left.

 

Oh, I felt like a horror. I didn't have a choice--my son was finding his alcohol bottles; he was passing out/getting in sick in front of us...all kinds of stuff--but his sadness and depression made me feel awful. I didn't do anything really bad to "make" him hate me. First of all, if the person thinks you only left because you're mean, then why should he change for the next person? So if you're thinking you're doing him a service by letting him hate you, what service have you really done?

 

Second of all, though he's an adult, he is responsible for his feelings. You aren't, particularly now. He will get over it. I promise you.

 

Anyway, sorry to be so long-winded. But I know exactly how this feels. I know it's hard. I'm so very sorry. And I also know that the person who leaves mourns the marriage, too. It's not like we're all "the gay divorcee" running out with a suitcase in one hand and tickets to the best party in town in the other. It's hard. Hang in there. You will BOTH get through it.

Justanotherschmuck Established Member

Justanotherschmuck

Posted
Posted

Second of all, though he's an adult, he is responsible for his feelings. You aren't, particularly now.

 

Unless I am misunderstanding you, I couldn't DISAGREE more.

 

When you DO something, and the other person REACTS to your acton, YOU are responsible for the pain your action caused.

 

If YOU alone are responsible for how you feel, well, in would make sense that all the hurt this woman feels is HER RESPONSIBLITLY and she should stop blaming her husband for how she feels about him. So, SHE would be totally to blame for everything, right?

 

She made a decision. It caused pain. She SHOULD feel guilty.

 

Her husband made a decision to treat her like he did. This pushed this lady to leave and break the vows of "better or worse, till death do us part". For this, HE should feel guilty. She's NOT responsible for feeling this way, she's responsible for deciding to QUIT. And he is responsible for putting her this situation.

 

Two people. Both doing whats best for THEMSELVES. Not a good recipe for a marriage.

dgiirl Established Member

dgiirl

Posted
Posted

There are some hurtful things I could tell him that might get him mad enough at me that he wouldn't want me back, but I just can't bring myself to hurt him further.

...

Do I have to become a bitch to get him to let go?

 

Dont do it! You really do not know what frame of mind he is in and if this will destroy him or not. My exh got the same advice, say things to me so that I would hate him. It nearly destroyed me. I thought of suicide often and his hateful words rang through my head for years. It's painful enough that the person you thought you would be spending the rest of your life with wants to leave you. It's even more painful when they tell you they despise everything about you and make you think the last 15 years meant absolutely nothing as they are walking out the door.

 

You have only been separated for two weeks. Give him some time to accept it, to move on. By being a bitch to him is only to make life easier for you, and in a situation like this, you would be selfish. It is going to take time for him to get over you. You do not have to be available for him 24/7 and you dont have to be held captive of his pleas to come back. But if you want "out", I think it's only right for you to "serve" your sentence by feeling the guilt. If you are willing to feel the guilt, and still think you made the right decision, then you did.

hopesndreams Established Member

hopesndreams

Posted
Posted

There are some hurtful things I could tell him that might get him mad enough at me that he wouldn't want me back, but I just can't bring myself to hurt him further.

 

Then don't. He's in a deep, dark place..don't make it worse. In time, he will recover.

sumdude Established Member

sumdude

Posted
Posted

IF you are 110% sure that you're done.. that it's over.. that nothing he could ever do or change about himself could change your mind then I'll put it this way.

 

 

If you had to have your leg removed would you prefer a dull kitchen knife or a guillotine?

 

Both are scary and painful. One gets done faster and will heal faster too.

 

Having been on the receiving end of it I know that the uncertainty, the dragging on, the nastiness and especially deception made a bad situation much worse for me.

 

IOW it's better like this..

 

" I know this sucks, I know this hurts, I know you still don't believe me but it's OVER for me and nothing you could ever do will change that. I moving on with life and that's that. You're not a horrible person, it's not all your fault either but I just can't go on like this anymore period."

 

He doesn't get it? Rinse.. repeat... rinse repeat..

 

Then reduce all contact with him to the bare minimum necessary to conduct business about the divorce.

 

100% honesty may seem to hurt him more but really it hurts less in the long run. If you're seeing someone else you may as well tell him. You'll have to be bold and face this if you care enough to hurt him less over time. If you want go ahead and tell him why the marriage fell apart from your point of view.. and own up to your part in it. Because you did play a part in it one way or another.

mendsley Established Member

mendsley

Posted
Posted

From my experience sumdude is spot on. My wife is dragging out our seperation/divorce becuase I feel she does not want to hurt me.

 

The thing she does not understand is, it is hurting me more that I do not know what the out come will be. It has been six months for me and I am now feeling better, but she rips the band aid off and spits in my open wounds every once in awhile but, to be honost it is because I am letting her.

 

So take sumdude's advice, it is better for both sides ;)

 

MIKE

CaliforniaGirl Established Member

CaliforniaGirl

Posted
Posted

 

If YOU alone are responsible for how you feel, well, in would make sense that all the hurt this woman feels is HER RESPONSIBLITLY and she should stop blaming her husband for how she feels about him.

 

I didn't see where she blamed her husband for how she feels about him. She described her reactions to his personality traits. She then took action.

 

I DID see that she is, in fact, taking responsibility for her own feelings, and therefore is leaving rather than staying and asking him to change (i.e. putting her happiness on his actions), etc. She's not sitting around crying that he's such a terrible person and he should change or someone should help her. She has taken responsibility for herself and her happiness and has made a decision toward that goal.

Justanotherschmuck Established Member

Justanotherschmuck

Posted
Posted

So if someone does something terrible to you, say killing a loved one or raping you or someone you know, the anger you feel is NOT caused by him but simply a CHOICE you made?

 

THeres WAYYYY to many psycho mumbo jumbo BS books around.

 

Like it or not, the way PEOPLE BEHAVE effects the way people respond. Feelings of gratitude, love, hate, are NOT DECIDED. They occur instantly. They may CHANGE over time, but the thought that people DECIDE how to feel seems like a lame attempt at trying to justify bad selfish behavior.

 

"Yeah, I treated my wife like SHEET over the past decade. Hit her, cheated on her, spent all our money on drugs and gambling. NOW, she's DECIDED to hate me. Do you believe it? Its not MY fault, its HER decision, and a selfish one at that!"" Thats just dumb.

 

FEELINGS are NOT a decision. LEAVING is.

Justanotherschmuck Established Member

Justanotherschmuck

Posted
Posted

Oh, and feeling guilty? Its what happens when we do something that is against what we TRULY believe to be our sense of morals.

 

Cheerleader freinds will tell you "oh, don't worry, you don't need to feel guilty". But, deep down, SOMETHING is there that naggs at you, letting you know that not EVERYTHING is kosher. If you truly think you've done something right, 100%, than you have NO GUILT. But the situation where a human being has done NOTHING selfishly is SO, SO rare. Especially in todays society where men and women pop their head out of the womb and demand to be called MR. or Ms.

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