WorriedOne Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 Hey folks! So I've been dating this fantastic girl since last September. So far the only stumbling block has been that she is still embroiled in divorce proceedings with a guy she split with about 14 months ago. (They finally reached an agreement, papers to be signed next week) While we are both mindful of the fact she is legally married, it has never caused us too many issues and our relationship has progressed slowly but surely. Despite my efforts to "go slowly", I feel that I love her and want to tell her this. Considering the fact she's married and that we've only dated 5 months, is this an inappropriate time to tell someone that you love them? I am the first guy she has dated since she and her husband split and I am worried that she might be overwhelmed going from one serious relationship to another. But then again, she is the one who contacted me on a dating website... If it matters she is 29 and I am 35.
carhill Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 Well, if she wasn't "legally married", would you tell her how you feel?
Author WorriedOne Posted March 21, 2009 Author Posted March 21, 2009 Well, if she wasn't "legally married", would you tell her how you feel? I would probably be less hesitant, yeah.
carhill Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 Why? Think about that. What does her being married on paper have to do with how you feel?
Author WorriedOne Posted March 21, 2009 Author Posted March 21, 2009 Why? Think about that. What does her being married on paper have to do with how you feel? I suppose it doesn't have anything to do with it. I just have the impression (fear) that if I tell her those 3 words that she will feel that it is too sudden. She has remarked in the past how "scared" she was that she was falling for me. I wasn't sure how to interpret that.
wuggle Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 I think saying those words to someone else is difficult for us all, regardless of circumstance, in doing so you are putting yourself on the line. You might look stupid, she might not reciprocate , but then again she just might. IMO , better to have said it (if you meant it) than not, regardless of outcome. good luck
carhill Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 OK, so you've known her five months? Or have you been dating five months and known her longer? Five months is a pretty long time. How often do you see each other? In the past, with other women, what's typical for you regarding the ILY timeline? How long have you been intimate with this lady? I'm hoping you'll say you just started
Author WorriedOne Posted March 22, 2009 Author Posted March 22, 2009 OK, so you've known her five months? Or have you been dating five months and known her longer? Five months is a pretty long time. How often do you see each other? In the past, with other women, what's typical for you regarding the ILY timeline? How long have you been intimate with this lady? I'm hoping you'll say you just started She first started talking to me on Match in mid September, we had never met before. We see each other Wed nights and Saturday nights. Sometimes we hangout on Friday too. I think the earliest I've ever told a girl I love her is 3 months. I began being intimate with her within 2 months, so it has been quite some time since we started. I suppose I have waited longer to tell her ILY because I sense she is emotionally bottled up (verbally) and I didn't want her to be uncomfortable.
burningashes Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 I swear you could be talking about me, because I'm so alike your girlfriend. I bottle things up as well, and it sucks, believe me. I've been wanting to tell my boyfriend that I love him, and I've been with him for a while now. You can check out my thread, basically, I got out of a on/off R with my ex who I was with for 7 years for three years. I can understand why your girlfriend isn't too forthcoming with her emotions- we're scared to open up and get hurt if we don't get reciprocated. Coming out of a relationship like that, we're bound to be skittish. But think on it though- forget about the divorce stuff, she's been with you for five months. Obviously she must really like you enough to stick around that long- she's just afraid to tell you how she really feels about you. So.. my advice? Go ahead and tell her how you feel about her. If she doesn't return the favor, remember that she's just not ready. Hope that helps!
carhill Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 OP, it's the man's job and his mission to create a safe space for a woman to be emotionally vulnerable. Get to work I see it really simply. You're having sex with her; that's the most intimate expression of love there is. You're two month's overdue
Sam Spade Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 OP, it's the man's job and his mission to create a safe space for a woman to be emotionally vulnerable. Get to work I see it really simply. You're having sex with her; that's the most intimate expression of love there is. You're two month's overdue You're not helping, dad , I'm at month 5 with my gf, may I please have at least 2-5 more months for this ?
carhill Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 IME, and I've heard this directly as little as a few weeks ago, there's little more disappointing to a woman than a man whom she's invested her body and emotions with and who can't or won't express his bond with her verbally. It can be a deal-breaker. Combined with emotional distance and/or commitment avoidance, such is a sure-fire way for the man to become single, perhaps not today or tomorrow, but soon. Unless it's a FWB-type arrangement, IMO, any man having sex with a woman ought to think long and hard about telling her about how he feels about her and get it out. The more you say it, the easier it becomes and the more deeply you feel it.
Sam Spade Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 IME, and I've heard this directly as little as a few weeks ago, there's little more disappointing to a woman than a man whom she's invested her body and emotions with and who can't or won't express his bond with her verbally. It can be a deal-breaker. Combined with emotional distance and/or commitment avoidance, such is a sure-fire way for the man to become single, perhaps not today or tomorrow, but soon. Unless it's a FWB-type arrangement, IMO, any man having sex with a woman ought to think long and hard about telling her about how he feels about her and get it out. The more you say it, the easier it becomes and the more deeply you feel it. Good thoughts, but they hinge on the assumption that a women having sex signifies that she's invested in the relationship, which is not necessarily true (as yourself just acknowledged in another thread) . So, the question is what signifies investment? Maybe that's why I'm reluctant!
carhill Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 This is key. You do not predicate your actions and words upon those of another. You dance to your own choreography. The woman is your partner. She looks to you for strength and independence. The way you proactively share yourself with her, the way you take risks, determines to a large degree how deeply she will eventually bond with you, if (yes, there are no absolutes) she has the same desire to share herself with you. There are no guarantees in life, except death. Try to get a few ILY's in before you die
Art_Critic Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 I'm of the type that if I feel it.. I let 'em know it... If you feel you love someone then you tell them.. but it has to be love.. just don't be someone who blurts out those words to any person they date... With her still being legally married she might very well be withholding herself.. only you can know the situation... I say tell her... if you don't and something happened to you or her overnight then it would be a shame if she didn't already know you love her..
SoulSearch_CO Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 Man, I like Carhill's advice - he sure is smart. I wish more guys would listen. I heard "ILY" from my ex at like 5 weeks (and we were together 5 years total). I heard "ILY" from my current BF at only like a week of being BF/GF - knew each other from eH for 2 1/2 months.
carhill Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 Oh, one more thing....when actions of love and words of love match, they can become powerful motivation and inspiration. Do not discount the power of love in making us more than we might otherwise be.
BobSacamento Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 I get the feeling he doesn't want to burden her with the ILY big matzoh ball he'll be throwing out there.
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