She doesn't seem to want to talk or meet anymore

[lemurtech]

Hi,

I'm a 34 year old male. Since late December I have been dating a girl, which progressed in to a relationship pretty fast. Everything seemed fine, we get along, we've never had any disagreements about anything, and we like the same types of activities (outdoorsy stuff mostly). In fact, even in this short amount of time, I really thought finally I have met the girl I always wanted. And I thought (as she said she did) that she felt the same way. But last week she went back east to visit her sister. She told me she would call me or email, but I never heard from her until nearly 6 days later. She came back last Thursday (its now Sat), and I called and emailed to make sure she got back safe. I never heard back. Finally today I get an email that says she is just busy and she might be able to talk or meet on Sunday, but it was pretty much a 'maybe'. It seems to me something is going on. I don't see how its anything I did so I feel pretty depressed and leftdown about the whole turn of events.

The only back story I have is she was with someone else until late Summer 08 and moved out at that time, they had been together for about 6 years.

 

So any advice? Did she use me for bouncing back? Is she scared? Why won't she talk to me and at least tell me whats going on?

 

Thanks for your help.

[Excellent]

It seems weird what she did when she got back, like..she doesn't care anymore.

 

But when you say that she had just had finished a 6 year long relationship that same year, i think we pretty much think alike. Imo 5-6 months isn't enough to heal after a relationship that long. You should take the possibility of being a victim of a rebound into consideration. I would straight out ask her if that is the case.

[lemurtech]

Thanks, I will if I ever get to talk to her again. I agree, you'd think if she cared, she would have let me know how her trip went, and flight, etc. I feel I've been used as a rebound, though I'm not sure.

[northstar1]

Hi,

I'm a 34 year old male. Since late December I have been dating a girl, which progressed in to a relationship pretty fast. Everything seemed fine, we get along, we've never had any disagreements about anything, and we like the same types of activities (outdoorsy stuff mostly). In fact, even in this short amount of time, I really thought finally I have met the girl I always wanted. And I thought (as she said she did) that she felt the same way. But last week she went back east to visit her sister. She told me she would call me or email, but I never heard from her until nearly 6 days later. She came back last Thursday (its now Sat), and I called and emailed to make sure she got back safe. I never heard back. Finally today I get an email that says she is just busy and she might be able to talk or meet on Sunday, but it was pretty much a 'maybe'. It seems to me something is going on. I don't see how its anything I did so I feel pretty depressed and leftdown about the whole turn of events.

The only back story I have is she was with someone else until late Summer 08 and moved out at that time, they had been together for about 6 years.

 

So any advice? Did she use me for bouncing back? Is she scared? Why won't she talk to me and at least tell me whats going on?

 

Thanks for your help.

 

Sounds like she's distancing herself, but as to why, it's anyone's guess. Hopefully she does call sunday and explains herself. If she was with someone for that long, starting up dating/relationship within a few months didn't really give her the time to heal and be ready for someone new. You could drive yourself mental speculating. I'd try and contact her sunday, and ask her what is up. If she is having doubts, or is withdrawing for whatever reason, she should do you the respect of being honest.

How often did you talk/see each other up until this point?

[lemurtech]

She teaches school in a town 4 days a week (they have 4 day school weeks) about 3.5 hours away, but she's home every Thurs night-Sunday, so usually 2x a weekend, maybe a Friday and Sunday, etc. But we were emailing/talking during the week. She will be done with the long distance thing at the end of May.

[era]

I can tell this is very painful for you....

 

Maybe while she was away, she was seeing things more clearly.

 

Maybe she is truly scared.

 

I've read on these forums people posting and saying it takes a minimum of one month for every year of the relationship to heal.

 

Others have said it takes twice the amount of time of the relationship to fully heal...Yikes!

[Donovan]

i know the feeling my mans. the same thing just happened to me. me and this girl hit it off really well then all of a sudden she is tired or too busy to do anytihng with me or even talk to me but not anyone else. i hate to be so honest with ya, but u were a rebound bf. u were someone she used to help her get over her ex and she just couldn't truly get over him. i'm in the same boat as u bro.

[Melocoton]

Wow, that is brutal and painful. I know how you feel. Frustrated, used, confused, hurt etc.

 

My advice to you is to make your one or two attempts contacting her and then give up contacting. (also, in your contact you should consider asking, "Why are you avoiding me?") Like you said, she has time to contact everyone else but you. She knows and has got your messeges. The more you push the more she will avoid and the longer you will wait. You also don't want to turn into a pest which will annoy her and push her further away.

 

Know that the problem is not you but her. She is the one being unfair, selfish, and inconsiderate of your feelings. Do you really want to be with a woman that treats you this way? Yes you want to know what is going on and why but does it really matter at this point? When someone shuts down to their partner and doesn't return calls or sees them after a trip they are no longer your partner. What only matters is your well being.

[messed-mind]

Oh dear, this doesn't sound good, it's very painful when things just change or suddenly stop for what appears to be no reason. I know the pain.

 

One thing that's bull***** for sure is that she's "too busy". That's a coward's excuse to avoid you (which she's doing) - there isn't a person on this planet that's too busy to pickup and phone and make a 30 second call. She's up to something, and this isn't fair on you. I'm willing to stake money on it that there is someone else; nothing turns a woman off someone so quickly as an old flame does.

 

What you need to do, is to not let her mess you around or walk all over you. Call her on it, and be prepared to move on. You need to be strong, but noone deserves to be treated this way - be strong dude, I know it'll be hard with the loving feelings in the way.

 

I once met a girl and totally hit it off with her, but one day about 6 weeks into the (very intense) relationship she just stopped calling for a few days, and eventually explained she had depression and sometimes "couldn't cope" with the relationship. She used to "disappear" meanwhile I would try to "rescue" her and to try to help her. This went on over a course of 2 months, I eventually got suspicious and found out that she was seeing her ex-boyfriend behind my back. Her ex-boyfriend messed her up badly, and she some how wanted to try to get him back, but used me as her cuddle-b!tch when it went sour.

 

I was such a fool, but I swore I would never let ANY girl treat me that way again.

 

Don't let yourself be made a fool of with this girl.

[lemurtech]

Thanks for the comments everyone. I still haven't heard from her, so by now I am pretty sure she isn't going to contact me. I don't think there is anyone else, I think this is just her way apparently of deciding she doesn't want to be with me, even though its a horribly painful way of dumping someone for the dumpee. I'd at least like to have been told.

[messed-mind]

If you ignore her a while she may come back

 

I don't agree with this advice - why on God's earth would you want to be with someone that you have to IGNORE to get them to like you / want to be with you?

 

That's seems just insane and terrible grounds to start or continue a successful, loving and fullfilling relationship.

[Donovan]

Oh dear, this doesn't sound good, it's very painful when things just change or suddenly stop for what appears to be no reason. I know the pain.

 

One thing that's bull***** for sure is that she's "too busy". That's a coward's excuse to avoid you (which she's doing) - there isn't a person on this planet that's too busy to pickup and phone and make a 30 second call. She's up to something, and this isn't fair on you. I'm willing to stake money on it that there is someone else; nothing turns a woman off someone so quickly as an old flame does.

 

What you need to do, is to not let her mess you around or walk all over you. Call her on it, and be prepared to move on. You need to be strong, but noone deserves to be treated this way - be strong dude, I know it'll be hard with the loving feelings in the way. i'm not saying all women are like this, but most i have seen, if u treat a girl well and do all for her you can, she's not satisfied. she'd rather have the guy that cheats on her, beats her and that she has to worry about where he's at during the night.

 

I once met a girl and totally hit it off with her, but one day about 6 weeks into the (very intense) relationship she just stopped calling for a few days, and eventually explained she had depression and sometimes "couldn't cope" with the relationship. She used to "disappear" meanwhile I would try to "rescue" her and to try to help her. This went on over a course of 2 months, I eventually got suspicious and found out that she was seeing her ex-boyfriend behind my back. Her ex-boyfriend messed her up badly, and she some how wanted to try to get him back, but used me as her cuddle-b!tch when it went sour.

 

I was such a fool, but I swore I would never let ANY girl treat me that way again.

 

Don't let yourself be made a fool of with this girl.

i fully agree. but with people, they want what they can't have and what they have they really dont want. it's like a big game to some people and they never really see their mistakes until they get old and noone wants them.

[Melocoton]

So, I was in your same situation and recently and hope my experience can help.

 

My girl did the exact same thing. I was the one gone for 3 weeks and before leaving said the distance would be good for us. Upon returning I was ignored etc like you.

 

She finally reached out to contact me yesterday.

 

We met to talk.

 

Her reasoning for putting that distance and ignoring between us for because SHE couldn't handle any contact at that point. SHE was the one that knew she wasn't ready because if she saw or spoke to me she would be pulled back into the relationship. She felt guilty for doing this as it caused me pain but the only way she knew how to handle it.

 

Yes it is not how we would handle things but everyone is not the same. Sometimes people get to involved and need to protect their hearts as they are not ready and too weak to deal with things.

 

So my advice is to move on and don't contact her at all, let her come to you for closure when she is ready if she ever does. If she really wanted to be with you and was emotionally availble she would not put distance between you both.

 

As far as closure with her, it helped me to write things down that I wanted to say to her.

 

This sucks and is bull$hi| but don't put your life on hold for this person.

[msjules]

I wonder what happened........did she get back to you and you are just not coming back here to update us because things are great or are things still the same? Enquiring minds want to know.