boldjack Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Dude, just leave the girl be. You haven't shown by your posts that you have any respect for her anyway. If you feel guilty for not manning up and blowing her off, face to face, then go face her and say so. Then go about your merry way, and leave her alone.
not_a_happy_camper Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Why would she fight for someone who ditched her when she needed you most? I agree with Narf. You treated her badly. you made your bed, now you have to lie in it. This girl deserves much better then someone who can leave her the way you did.
Author Flying Burrito Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 Anything I would have done would have been wrong. What would have been the point of responding? I would only have said that I thought we should have no contact, so, no I wouldn't come take the cat to hospital and no I wouldn't say she wasn't alone with the dying kitty. Or, I would have gone to her, been there for her, holding her and loving her and I would know I still wanted to break it off but the whole mess would have started again.
msjules Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 Sounds to me like our man has a case of the Feeling Guilty's. Those of us who have been dumped and have had our ex'es contact us know about the Feeling Guilty's all too well. Instead of contacting Amy, he came here for help and I think he is to be commended for that. He didn't mess with her mind like our ex'es have done to us. He didn't "ask to be friends". He is going to leave her alone even though it hurts and even though he misses her. Good for you, Flying Burrito. It's for the best.
Author Flying Burrito Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 Instead of contacting Amy, he came here for help and I think he is to be commended for that. He didn't mess with her mind like our ex'es have done to us. He didn't "ask to be friends". He is going to leave her alone even though it hurts and even though he misses her. Thanks Ms Jules. I guess it doesn't seem possible to love someone so much it fills your heart and still know in your gut it's not going to work.
miss_28 Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Thanks Ms Jules. I guess it doesn't seem possible to love someone so much it fills your heart and still know in your gut it's not going to work. what a waste... you love her to the point where you're heart fills up, but it's not going to work. I can't understand the logic - but I'm sure i'm not the only one. Is it that she didn't give you butterflies? did she seem more like a sister than a lover? No sparks/excitement/drama? I don't know of course what your definition of love is - (and in any case, that tends to change and develop with time and maturity), but I hope its something you can live with (because it'll be something you have to live with or completely ignore). My two cents - you sound scared & confused and even a little depressed. And you may relish in being "a martyr" (but that last point may be me sounding righteous/bitter - for which I do apologize). What you did is something that one day, possibly in the distant future, you may deal with or you may not; depending on the type of man you become (assuming you grow from this experience or not). For what it's worth, what you did to Amy, my ex did to me (with the difference that it was to my face, but it was just as brutal and crushing). It was horrible, I never want to experience that again, and I absolutely know (and he does too) that I did not deserve that. I actually am pretty sure that he felt the way you feel. All this to say, almost 1 year later, he hasn't made me too jaded. I'm pretty much healed, I'm dealing with it, and I'm looking forward to new and better stuff. One thing I think you should know though is that I used to really esteem and admire him, and now, I think he is someone I wouldn't want to know; I don't hate him, he just leaves me completely cold. If I never heard a word about him again I'd be 100% ok with it. So Amy will eventually be just fine; she will meet a man who will love her and protect her and deserve her - it just won't be you. When it comes to memories of you, she'll wonder "what was I thinking" or "oh, yeah... he just disappeared on me... oh well" and be happy/indifferent that you're gone. I don't know if it comforts you to know that she's on that path; but it's a good thing (a silver lining if you will). Just leave her alone - it's not fun to have someone mess with your head or heart - let her find someone worthwhile. And truly, good luck finding what you are looking for.
Author Flying Burrito Posted March 30, 2009 Author Posted March 30, 2009 Miss 28, you sound like you might still be looking for an answer or two but I don't know. Ha! Less chemistry would be a good thing. Amy is like no sister I have! There are butterflies. The sparks fly whether I want them or not. There is no lack of passion with Amy, or for that matter, lack of easy comfort. Amy fits me like she is made for me. There is no logic. I'm sorry. I stopped feeling it so I made a difficult choice. I thought it the best possible option to take before. I still think this now. I loved Amy but I knew it had no future. That's all. If logic had more to do with it, I'm sure it would be easier for her to process too. I hope you're right about Amy finding someone else. Its no boost to my ego to worry that Amy will have got crushed by this. I know Amy. It would surprise me if she recovered as quickly, as healthy, as you did. Amy doesn't bond easily with people. So I hope you're right.
The straw Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 what a waste... you love her to the point where you're heart fills up, but it's not going to work. I can't understand the logic - but I'm sure I'm not the only one. I just have to say something here, not my usual thing. Please forgive me if I hurt your feelings... but I have been dealing with a man, who could actually Be you, for a long time now and the frustration is killer. Really. You do like playing the 'martyr', it's so much easier than being a man. If you are a healthy, mature man than you would have discussed All of this with the girl you disrespected. Leaving her hanging, ignoring her needs...and now you're not sure you want her back?? Leave her alone and get some therapy. Sorry I couldn't be nicer. I'm just sick of the moaning and groaning that you guys do, instead of being a man.
Author Flying Burrito Posted March 30, 2009 Author Posted March 30, 2009 Your note comes across as a lot more restrained than you might have thought. No worries about me. Got that? I read a lot of conflicting concepts here about what a man is or how a man is supposed to act. I read it from women. I read it from men. I think these conflicting ideas likely parallel the questions we have of ourselves in daily life. What seems to work for a lot of guys here, could never work for me. I try to be a decent guy. That's about the size of it. Regarding how I cut Amy off, what I did seemed externally heartless. Of this I have little doubt. It definitely is selfish to want to avoid a crying, squirming, bundle of gorgeousness looking up at me wanting to know why. There is no answer why. It just is. Besides which, there are better turn-ons than tears, but they do just fine. Yes, hot girl in my lap sobbing, wiggling about, breasts crushed against me, warm breath on my neck, is rather hard to resist. At least I know hitting that one more time would just keep repeating the same mistake. Amy didn't deserve it. I'm sure you didn't either. I did what I thought best. I could have used Amy with no regrets if I loved her less. I would have hated that so I walked. I'm sorry if it upsets you to hear it. It seems like it might.
The straw Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 Besides which, there are better turn-ons than tears, but they do just fine. Yes, hot girl in my lap sobbing, wiggling about, breasts crushed against me, warm breath on my neck, is rather hard to resist. At least I know hitting that one more time would just keep repeating the same mistake. You're turned on by a this?? Wow. Maybe I should've suggested that you visit a forum for narcissists.
miss_28 Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 but if we're being honest... well, you're right about the fact that I probably am looking for an answer or two, much as I want to feel like I'm 100% over it. Truth be told, it hurts like hell if I dwell on it too long, especially since I know I'll never get an answer I'll be satisfied with - he will never work up the guts to face me again. For what it's worth, it's been 1 year since the break-up for me, and I'm not 100% over like I may sound. On top of that, I've been on antidepressants for 6 years because I have very severe anxiety attacks and a history of depression in my family. I've come to realize a very long time ago (way before I met my ex) that my life and my reaction to things is completely in my control, and I work hard at managing that day by day. Now, most days are better than others. For the majority of the past year, I've cried myself to sleep many, many times. I've obsessed, I've put on 10 pounds from all the sleeping I've been doing, I struggled to get out of bed the first few months. But now, I am much better. All that to say, Amy is going to have a hard time, but she will get through it - if you leave her alone (that means not even bothering to see if she's still around on her messenger service - little things like that can jolt a person). I'm not sure whether or not you need a professional - either you have issues (I think everyone does), or you just really like to punish yourself... it sounds to me like you are lost or depressed - kind of the way I was in my early 20's. Maybe you should forget girls for a long while and just get your **** together... figure stuff out and get happy without having a woman around. From my experience, people who are generally un-happy, scared or un-satisfied with their lives or something in their lives tend to take it out on others (we've all done it to some degree) or completely detach from those they hold dear. One last thing, if I sounded bitter (which I realized after I reread my post), I didn't mean to, I'm just substituting you for my ex, which isn't fair to you. It consoles me a little bit to know that there is a chance my ex hurt too from the breakup (it shouldn't but it does).
The straw Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 miss 28? You don't sound bitter, and I don't think you need to apologize. These guys are what they are and I'm surprised that you're giving him the benefit of the doubt.. saying he sounds lost or depressed. He sounds like the coward that broke your heart actually. Anyone over 21 who doesn't know that the 'in love' feeling goes away and is replaced by genuine caring, respect..... That person doesn't know how to face their fears, make necessary compromises and work on building a life together. They're pussies and cowards who should be kept away from the opposite sex.
Author Flying Burrito Posted March 30, 2009 Author Posted March 30, 2009 Miss 28, About any bitterness. Meh. You sound like someone who got hurt. I think your substitution method is normal, probably even wise. If I can help in this way, I'm at your service. Of course, this is still from me instead of your ex so its not the same. If I sound blue, I have to say this isn't easy for me either. The pain from loss is palpable even though I made the choice. I think you have a good point about giving up girls for the present. I'm about there already. I don't think I'm punishing myself by breaking up with Amy. If I may say, I think the projection you're making is, if Amy is so great, then why didn't I just stay with it? I wish I knew. What I said before is it. I stopped feeling it. Amy is awesome. She is smart, funny, beautiful, smoking hot and as much as she loved me, and I love her, I don't want to spend the rest of my life living with her. Sometimes when a person says it's not you its me, I think he might say it truthfully. Amy could act like a pain in the ass as much as anyone else but I know the problem is me, that my feelings changed. I'm glad to know you're pulling through. I try to avoid thinking about how Amy is doing because I honestly think she might not recover as well or quickly as you have. It definitely played a part in my waiting so long to end it. When I think about it, I start to think, I'll check on her, which is a misstep.
Author Flying Burrito Posted March 30, 2009 Author Posted March 30, 2009 You're turned on by a this?? Amy walking away from me, a turn-on. Amy walking toward me, again, a turn-on. Amy coming home from the gym, smelly with a red face is a turn on. Amy playing with her cat (no pun intended) is a turn-on. Amy burning water has been a turn-on. SO YES, its a biological fact. Even if she's drenching my shirt in tears, Amy on top of me wriggling, rubbing against me, lips anywhere near my skin is going to get me hard.
miss_28 Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 miss 28? You don't sound bitter, and I don't think you need to apologize. These guys are what they are and I'm surprised that you're giving him the benefit of the doubt.. saying he sounds lost or depressed. He sounds like the coward that broke your heart actually. Anyone over 21 who doesn't know that the 'in love' feeling goes away and is replaced by genuine caring, respect..... That person doesn't know how to face their fears, make necessary compromises and work on building a life together. They're pussies and cowards who should be kept away from the opposite sex. oh, I know where you are coming from - believe me, I'm not making excuses for burrito, at this stage, I just don't want to become someone who makes others pay for my ex's shortcomings - despite his acting like my ex. A few months ago I would've been a lot harsher with my comments.
Author Flying Burrito Posted March 30, 2009 Author Posted March 30, 2009 I hate to break the news, but if you get dumped, you're going to hurt if you gave a sh*t in the first place. I take it back. Obviously I can't offer any illumination on your issues if you enjoy your misery too much to consider there are other valid viewpoints. My break up isn't about you. In fact, your break up might not have been about you either. Your men may simply have wanted something else.
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