Been 4 months and still not better

[wish]

Hi,

So its been 4 months since my gf ended it with me over long distance. We dormed together for 2.5 years. Things weren't great but she was totally in love with me. Then she moved to the other coast for grad school and things got bad. I was jealous and possesive and slowly the realtioship soured. All the while she kept saying she loves me and doesnt want to break up. Then one day she ends it with me. She was very upset and sad about it and kept syaing she loves me but can't go on. A week after this she is already with another guy, in a relationship. I tried talking to her for a bit but only ended up fighting. The current situation is that she is completely ignoring me and happy with her life. She has totally replaced me (living with him) and is very happy with him. My mother was sick and I was in a really bad shape. I tried talking to her since i was very dependant on her (I got really really desparate and called her a million times). She never ever responded.

Its been 4 months and its still hurts like hell. I;ve been on and off NC. I see the school counsellor regularly..but nothing helps.

I'm still hurting very very badly. Please help

[northstar1]

Hi,

So its been 4 months since my gf ended it with me over long distance. We dormed together for 2.5 years. Things weren't great but she was totally in love with me. Then she moved to the other coast for grad school and things got bad. I was jealous and possesive and slowly the realtioship soured. All the while she kept saying she loves me and doesnt want to break up. Then one day she ends it with me. She was very upset and sad about it and kept syaing she loves me but can't go on. A week after this she is already with another guy, in a relationship. I tried talking to her for a bit but only ended up fighting. The current situation is that she is completely ignoring me and happy with her life. She has totally replaced me (living with him) and is very happy with him. My mother was sick and I was in a really bad shape. I tried talking to her since i was very dependant on her (I got really really desparate and called her a million times). She never ever responded.

Its been 4 months and its still hurts like hell. I;ve been on and off NC. I see the school counsellor regularly..but nothing helps.

I'm still hurting very very badly. Please help

 

Sorry to hear you are hurting. Remember, that 4 months is still early on in getting over someone that you dated for a long time. You are not alone with still hurting.

 

As hard as it is, you need to cease trying to contact her. It is the only way to move on. And really, do you want to keep trying to reach someone who is ignoring you? All it will bring is pain. Contacting her will not bring her back, but drive her even further away from you.

 

You need to accept that it is over, and begin to rebuild your life. Go out with friends, make some goals for yourself (getting in better shape, learning something new, travelling etc).

 

It will get better, but only if you start looking ahead, and stop trying to be in touch with her

[dudemag]

I'm in the exact same boat as you. Our stories are identical except for the fact that my gf cheated on me. But I still love her very much and constantly wish to hVe her back. But I know deep down that she's not worth it... It's just hard. Just gotta keep trying to surround yourself with distractions. I started jogging a lot and it's actually really nice. It's like a breath of fresh air every time I run and it's getting rid of my pesky beer gut as well!

 

But I'm not gonna lie man. I talk to her sometimes and it gets my hopes up. And every time she leads me on, and then proceeds to cook my heart medium well and swallow it whole. I do it to myself man, why do I think I need such a cheating cruel manipulative bitch in my life?

[wish]

Well mine doesnt even talk.. no repsonse...period. I found out from common friends and facebook..she has completely replaced me. Deep down i know that she is a very selfish person...but even then that connection doesnt break.

I tried hard to just be friends but she is so into her new bf that she doesnt care.

She has forgotten the "best 3 years of her life" completely erases it and changed. The girl who never got out up from her desk, today wears contacts and parties like an animal. God knows whats in the californian air.

 

Its hard. I;ve started on counselling...but nothign really helps.

God knows when this pain and hurt will stop. Sometimes i wish i could be like her...at least i could be happy.

[Floyd Pinkerton]

Wish,

 

I've never once posted on a thread here, though I did read a lot when I was really struggling with my breakup. Like you, I was in a long-term relationship (mine was nearly 2 years); we met in college, things were great from the start, we were madly in love, and in my heart I truly believed I had found the one for me. She'd say "I never thought I could love anybody as much as you", "I can't imagine my life without you", etc. Then out of the blue came this past October. She claimed she wanted to take a break, that she needed space, and to be alone for a while, but that she didn't want to "lose me". Lovestruck fool I was, I said I'd wait for her. Long story short, needing space meant finding another guy within 3 weeks of leaving me, all the while stringing me along. And yes I made the classic mistakes of acting wimpy and pleading for her back.

 

Wish, let me say that when I first found out she had slept with someone else so quickly after leaving me to be "alone", the pain was indescribable. I didn't sleep or eat for weeks. I wanted to gouge my eyes out at the thought of her and another man together. When she called me out of the blue and I talked to her about all this in mid-December she was remorseless. Cold as ice. It was as if I'd never existed. My friends couldn't understand what took me so long to get over it, why I wasn't interested in trying to meet other women. I said it was because I'd never find another girl that would fit my ridiculously strict criteria -- intelligent, beautiful, social, smokes cigarettes and weed/doesn't care if I smoke, parties, likes cats, watches sports religiously, good sense of humor, enjoys the fact that I play guitar and write music, likes hip-hop, etc etc. I was a shell of a man for 5 months believing I'd never find anyone else while she was off having her fun.

 

Well sure enough, this past weekend, I go to a hip-hop show with a buddy of mine at his college, and not one minute after we show up at his friend's dorm to drop our stuff off, this blonde, blue-eyed, drop-dead gorgeous Southern girl from down the hall walks in holding her cat she keeps in her dorm and introduces herself (as she would be coming to the show with our group of friends). I find out she is huge into NCAA March Madness and we talk brackets. I go outside to have a cigarette and she happily joins me, where I find out she's a Math and Econ double major. Dude, you could not make this stuff up. From there, we went to the show and partied hard after, and let's just say the night ended well. We've already made plans to see each other again this weekend.

 

TAKE AS LONG AS YOU NEED TO RECOVER MAN. I know it sucks right now. I know it all too well. But thankfully I've made it. Don't worry about what others think about you, how long it takes you to cope, going out to find other women, none of it. Just focus on yourself, and KNOW in your heart that there are more fish in the sea. You will find them in time - and once this old girlfriend of yours realizes what she foolishly threw away, you will proudly be able to say you found somebody you deserve, not someone who would hurt you as badly as she did. I really wish you the best of luck brother.

[Peter_pan]

Wish,

 

I've never once posted on a thread here, though I did read a lot when I was really struggling with my breakup. Like you, I was in a long-term relationship (mine was nearly 2 years); we met in college, things were great from the start, we were madly in love, and in my heart I truly believed I had found the one for me. She'd say "I never thought I could love anybody as much as you", "I can't imagine my life without you", etc. Then out of the blue came this past October. She claimed she wanted to take a break, that she needed space, and to be alone for a while, but that she didn't want to "lose me". Lovestruck fool I was, I said I'd wait for her. Long story short, needing space meant finding another guy within 3 weeks of leaving me, all the while stringing me along. And yes I made the classic mistakes of acting wimpy and pleading for her back.

 

Wish, let me say that when I first found out she had slept with someone else so quickly after leaving me to be "alone", the pain was indescribable. I didn't sleep or eat for weeks. I wanted to gouge my eyes out at the thought of her and another man together. When she called me out of the blue and I talked to her about all this in mid-December she was remorseless. Cold as ice. It was as if I'd never existed. My friends couldn't understand what took me so long to get over it, why I wasn't interested in trying to meet other women. I said it was because I'd never find another girl that would fit my ridiculously strict criteria -- intelligent, beautiful, social, smokes cigarettes and weed/doesn't care if I smoke, parties, likes cats, watches sports religiously, good sense of humor, enjoys the fact that I play guitar and write music, likes hip-hop, etc etc. I was a shell of a man for 5 months believing I'd never find anyone else while she was off having her fun.

 

Well sure enough, this past weekend, I go to a hip-hop show with a buddy of mine at his college, and not one minute after we show up at his friend's dorm to drop our stuff off, this blonde, blue-eyed, drop-dead gorgeous Southern girl from down the hall walks in holding her cat she keeps in her dorm and introduces herself (as she would be coming to the show with our group of friends). I find out she is huge into NCAA March Madness and we talk brackets. I go outside to have a cigarette and she happily joins me, where I find out she's a Math and Econ double major. Dude, you could not make this stuff up. From there, we went to the show and partied hard after, and let's just say the night ended well. We've already made plans to see each other again this weekend.

 

TAKE AS LONG AS YOU NEED TO RECOVER MAN. I know it sucks right now. I know it all too well. But thankfully I've made it. Don't worry about what others think about you, how long it takes you to cope, going out to find other women, none of it. Just focus on yourself, and KNOW in your heart that there are more fish in the sea. You will find them in time - and once this old girlfriend of yours realizes what she foolishly threw away, you will proudly be able to say you found somebody you deserve, not someone who would hurt you as badly as she did. I really wish you the best of luck brother.

 

 

see this confirms to me that in order to feel like "youve made it', one must find another partner. and i guess its true. otherwise you will feel lonely and miss the other person

[Meaplus3]

I'm sorry your hurting right now. But, 4 months is really not all that long. It takes some time to work through feelings and we all heal at our own rate. The very best thing you can do right now is to stick with NC. NC will help you to break your thought pattern regarding her. It may be tough.. but trust me it works. Try to take it one day at a time here. There is light at the end of the tunnel.. and one day soon you will see that. Best wishes.

 

Mea:)

[Nikki Sahagin]

I think the human capacity to forgive is actually pretty phenominal, and it seems no matter what a person may do to us, the bond and connection of love is nearly impossible to break. Once you love someone, you never truly stop, you will always care for them and think of them from time to time but you will learn to not need that bond, discover new loves....the person or people that open you to love will always leave a mark because they showed you something not everyone can...but they taught you to use your heart for someone else, more worthy and deserving of it.

[wish]

Thank you so much for the replies

I truly feel supported. I;ve been having the worst time. My mother got sick back in my home country..undergoing chemo. I;m a senior and will (hopefully) be graduating in May and nothing is working out..no jobs..no graduate school admits. In this situation i completely broke down and tried to look for support in her. But selfish as she is she NEVER responded. When she was in this situation i was there for her. I WROTE he Statements of purpose of grad school..and thats she is there the "best friend" doesn't even reply to an SMS. Not just that I heard from common friends she is off on a vacation with her new love.

It just hurts so much. I am recommended anti depressants by the counselor, but am not sure if i should take them. I don't think i can ever forgive her for this.

[wish]

Thanks for that response Floyd. I try looking at other girls...its just seems impossible. I;m so so scared of it.

[Peter_pan]

Thank you so much for the replies

I truly feel supported. I;ve been having the worst time. My mother got sick back in my home country..undergoing chemo. I;m a senior and will (hopefully) be graduating in May and nothing is working out..no jobs..no graduate school admits. In this situation i completely broke down and tried to look for support in her. But selfish as she is she NEVER responded. When she was in this situation i was there for her. I WROTE he Statements of purpose of grad school..and thats she is there the "best friend" doesn't even reply to an SMS. Not just that I heard from common friends she is off on a vacation with her new love.

It just hurts so much. I am recommended anti depressants by the counselor, but am not sure if i should take them. I don't think i can ever forgive her for this.

 

i wouldnt take the pills tbh. my ex never responded to my txts and then i found out she said it was because, she thought i still wanted her back...

 

and dont try looking at other girls it simply wont work. i know this.. it took me 5 months to even look at another girl i might potentially fancy.

 

go out with friends take up a new sport join a gym. trust me

 

think of things this way, ive never met your ex and ive lived my life fine ! you lived your life fine before her.. you lived your life and have never met my ex.. lol

[Nikki Sahagin]

I agree, don't force yourself to look at people. You shouldn't have to force yourself to fancy anything that moves. If you do this you will likely compare with your ex and just make yourself feel worse. It is actually important not to focus on ANY girls, rather than force yourself to focus on EVERY girl.

[Floyd Pinkerton]

Thanks for that response Floyd. I try looking at other girls...its just seems impossible. I;m so so scared of it.

 

 

Np Wish. I should also clarify that, like you and a couple other posters here, I wasn't actively pursuing other women either. Like you I did compare everybody to the ex for months. In many ways, I understand how you feel -- I was gunshy about meeting other women because I felt as if nobody else will ever be able to see me and appreciate me the way she did.

 

But somebody will -- maybe when you least expect it (like for me). And it starts from the inside, man. If you believe in yourself, then that absolutely projects to other people. And I can tell from the emotions you've put into these posts alone, even though I don't know you at all, that you are a kind and respectful person with huge capacity for love and affection. I assure you that other women will notice this. It was a long process of regaining my own courage and confidence. Took months. Slowly, but surely, you will do the same. And once that happens, my friend, the girls will be crawling out of the woodwork because, like me, you will have become a stronger person for going through this ordeal.

 

Again, best of luck brother.

[wish]

I realize this..but right now I'm overwhelmed with things beyond my control. graduating in a month with no jobs or even grad school admits. My last job (at NASA) aid goodbye to me for good..basically everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. And here I see her and happily settled in her new school partying away with her new love and completely erasing and ignoring me.

I dont want her back anymore..just bcos the way she left me...but whats killing is the bond built over years is jsut erased completely. I don't understand how people do that. It's shocking...and i'm still in total disbelief.

[Surfer Dude]

I realize this..but right now I'm overwhelmed with things beyond my control. graduating in a month with no jobs or even grad school admits. My last job (at NASA) aid goodbye to me for good..basically everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. And here I see her and happily settled in her new school partying away with her new love and completely erasing and ignoring me.

I dont want her back anymore..just bcos the way she left me...but whats killing is the bond built over years is jsut erased completely. I don't understand how people do that. It's shocking...and i'm still in total disbelief.

 

I'm not gonna say "you're gonna be fine", because others have already said that and you instinctively know it.

 

Instead, I will advise you to do self-work, to focus on emotional and spiritual growth and LAYING other women. I was also severely depressed when my fiance broke up with me... but then I realized that true love is unconditional, endless and infinite and that I can feel that for all my sisters out there.

 

There are literally billions of women in this world, countless experiences to gather, so many things to do, so many dreams to materialize... Why waste your time on pining and depression?

 

Don't waste your life bro, there are more things for you out there than you can ever imagine. Allow yourself to be sad for a while and then simply move on.