jen83 Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 I'm wondering if I've been ditched by the guy I'm seeing. We've been dating for 2 months, starting sleeping together a month ago. When he's with me, he's the perfect guy. Sweet, playful, pays for things, opens car doors, surprises me with coffee, etc, he's wonderful. I last saw him Monday night, he was all excited to see me, surprised me with all these ingredients when he came over, made a big fancy dinner all by himself and wouldn't let me help. He brought wine. The food was awesome, then we cuddled up on the sofa and watched a horror movie--arms all intertwined. We had sex after the movie, went to bed around 1am. I was off the next day but he had to be at work pretty early so he left around 6am Tuesday morning for work. He kissed me goodbye. I IM him when he logs on after work that day, we talk briefly about some random stuff. He logs off a little later(St. Patrick's Day), rather abruptly and that was the last time I've talked to him. He didn't come online Wednesday or Thursday, no text messages, nothing, though his Myspace, Facebook and Match.com(that's how we met), all say he's been online recently. I text him yesterday (Friday), he doesn't respond. He comes online last night, but doesn't talk to me--I don't message him either. Here it is Saturday morning and I haven't heard from him since he left Tuesday morning. I can only assume I've been ditched and I should get over it. If he does happen to contact me again at this point, what should I say to him? If he *is* still interested--I want him to know that this wasn't cool. No one likes to be blown off. I don't want to be seen as some booty call either--up until this happened, he was very attentive, texting all the time, it seemed promising. My first instinct is to tell him to go to hell or that I'm not interested in seeing him if he does this, but what do you think?
BobSacamento Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 He sounds like he's putting a heck of a lot of effort into the relationship. You don't even IM him when he signs on? Honestly as a man I sometimes want to feel some interest from the women. Not just women going through the motions.
Author jen83 Posted March 21, 2009 Author Posted March 21, 2009 Well of course I didn't IM him... I texted him and he ignored it earlier in the day. Not to mention that he didn't IM me either, or that he hasn't logged on in 3 days. I'd say it's his turn to contact me now--I don't want to keep contacting him if he's not responding.
BobSacamento Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 Texts are the lowest form of communication. Personally, I would never let a person hinge on a text. Maybe you don't want to look desperate and he doesn't want to look desperate. It sounds like a stupid stand off to me. I guess my suggestion would be to call him. If you get voice mail and no response. Move on.
SoulSearch_CO Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 I guess my suggestion would be to call him. If you get voice mail and no response. Move on. I agree with Bob on this one. It seems like a battle of the wills, or something. LOL Maybe something bad came up in his personal life or at work, or something. You never know until you talk to him. So I'd try calling him - with an open mind - and see what's been going on in his world. I'd casually ask what he's been up to the past several days since I hadn't heard from him. I'd thank him profusely again for the dinner the other night. If he's cold, doesn't have a good reason for ignoring you, or you leave a message and he never calls back - it's time to move on.
WorriedOne Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 I guess my suggestion would be to call him. If you get voice mail and no response. Move on. I think this is what you should do. If he doesn't answer leave a voicemail and just say "Hey, had a good time last time I saw you. Wanted to know if you wanted to try to get together again this week?" Do not say anything like "if you still want to see me" or anything like that. That just sounds sad and pathetic.
BLo Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 call him. if he doesn't pick up and then doesn't call you back within 2 days, move on.
Author jen83 Posted March 21, 2009 Author Posted March 21, 2009 So he logged on AIM again today, still didn't talk to me. I logged on WoW(online game), he's already on. He doesn't say anything to me so after awhile I just say "hi". He responds with a short greeting. I ask him how his weekend is going, he doesn't answer me so after awhile I just log off. I was still on AIM though but he didn't try to talk to me on there either, didn't invite me to do anything tonight like he normally would have since I only get every other weekend off and this is my off weekend... He ditched me. Must have found someone else. :/
monkey00 Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 Match.com(that's how we met), I'm surprised no one caught this. Unfortunately this is one of the pitfalls of online dating. For all you know he could have had another prospect in motion under your radar. It's possible his sudden disappearance can be attributed to that. But then again you'll never know. You could have been the wiser one and had a relationship talk before having sex (as well as both parties taking down the online profiles from Match). You could try giving him another shot and contacting him, though if he doesn't respond you might want to consider moving on.
WorriedOne Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 So he logged on AIM again today, still didn't talk to me. I logged on WoW(online game), he's already on. He doesn't say anything to me so after awhile I just say "hi". He responds with a short greeting. I ask him how his weekend is going, he doesn't answer me so after awhile I just log off. I was still on AIM though but he didn't try to talk to me on there either, didn't invite me to do anything tonight like he normally would have since I only get every other weekend off and this is my off weekend... He ditched me. Must have found someone else. :/ I agree, after that exchange, he has moved on. Start looking for other guys.
carhill Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 Don't take his calls when he calls you, which he will do within the next couple weeks Next guy, wait a bit longer for the sex part....
era Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 Next guy, wait a bit longer for the sex part.... ???...she waited a month before becoming intimate. In your opinion how long should she wait?
Author jen83 Posted March 22, 2009 Author Posted March 22, 2009 Thanks guys. Yeah, I deleted him off my AIM, my phonebook and the characters I had on his server in WoW. I was pretty bad off when my previous ex(before this one) broke up with me--fortunately I think I had my heart guarded a little better with this one--even though I liked him more than my ex. I'm not taking any crap this time. It's done. I hope he has fun with whomever he ditched me for, I don't need any more of my time wasted.
WorriedOne Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 I would stay away from WoW guys, you'll always be number two in their lives. LOL
carhill Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 ???...she waited a month before becoming intimate. In your opinion how long should she wait? Until she's even steven with WoW.....it could be years Seriously, I haven't a clue. OP, do you like having sex fast with a new guy? With this guy, did you set the pace proactively or did you react and hold him back for awhile? IMO, timing of the emotional and sexual bonding process is very important in a new relationship. This sounds, superficially, like the guy was really into her, but then he disappears. Something happened that disrupted the bonding process. OP, any thoughts on that? Any little signs? I'm wondering if he was "thinking" the romance rather than "feeling" it. I think I had my heart guarded a little better with this one--even though I liked him more than my ex. Ruh, roh....just saw that.....I gotta tell you I pick up on this stuff and it can be a real turn-off to my ability to bond to a woman. When I get the feeling she's not investing and being vulnerable, I remain invested but do start to do a bit of mental accounting, which is a bad sign. Lack of investment by my wife is what doomed our M. I couldn't live with that. Sorry.
btc8 Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 Ruh, roh....just saw that.....I gotta tell you I pick up on this stuff and it can be a real turn-off to my ability to bond to a woman. When I get the feeling she's not investing and being vulnerable, I remain invested but do start to do a bit of mental accounting, which is a bad sign. Lack of investment by my wife is what doomed our M. I couldn't live with that. Sorry. She and he had sex. If she can't get any more vulnerable than that, then I do not know what else constitutes vulnerability. The OP guarding her heart has nothing to do with lack of interest; one can manifest behaviors that have nothing to do their internal workings. I think she was plenty invested given her communication with him and the number of dates she went on with him.
BobSacamento Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 I think you were getting hung up on the perfect relationship. Where the guy does everything perfect and doesn't ever screw up. Well I can't live like that personally. I know I'm not going to be perfect so it's foolish to expect perfection in return. Take for example you ask someone to do something on the weekend and they say they can't because they have work to do and will be too busy doing that. Then on said day they are texting you about random stuff and about how they are going on errands and shopping and yadda yadda. Basically not doing the work they said they were going to be busy doing. What should I do? I guess I could ignore the person and cut off all communication and what not like you did. But I didn't and now we have plans to meet on Thursday. Give the guy a chance I guess is the moral of this story haha.
carhill Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 She and he had sex. If she can't get any more vulnerable than that, then I do not know what else constitutes vulnerability. Women can have sex and remain detached. My wife did this. I know a number of women who have told me this directly in my lifetime (I was not involved with them). The reasons and psychology are as unique as each person. IME, most of the issues stem from childhood and are exacerbated by unhealthy relationships. The best way I can describe it is she's (generically, not the OP) using a vibrator with a human attached to it. A corollary would be thinking love rather than feeling it. Big difference.
Sam Spade Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 Women can have sex and remain detached. My wife did this. I know a number of women who have told me this directly in my lifetime (I was not involved with them). The reasons and psychology are as unique as each person. IME, most of the issues stem from childhood and are exacerbated by unhealthy relationships. The best way I can describe it is she's (generically, not the OP) using a vibrator with a human attached to it. A corollary would be thinking love rather than feeling it. Big difference. Wait, how do you tell the difference between the attached and detached (through sex) women???
carhill Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 I wish I could do a flow-chart. You have to be sensitive to little nuances of behavior and expression to really perceive it, IME. I've had this discussion with Lizzie since she asserted any woman could make a man believe, through sex, that she was invested and into him, something which I disputed. Someone upthread, I think Bob, made a good observation, that being essentially not to over-think the current state of the relationship. At this juncture, at this stage, I'd likely would remain aware of the nuances but not dwell on them. The OP has no way of knowing what the man is thinking unless he communicates it to her. She's decided that she's had her fill. By guarding her heart (not becoming invested), this is a much easier decision to make and implement. When he calls her again (he will, eventually), she won't have any lingering hopes. She will have moved on. Because I invested myself emotionally in the women I had/have sex with, it takes me much longer to "get over" those experiences, so, even when dating, months would go by before I felt healthy enough to try again. That's just one style. Others are equally valid. I would love to know how to have an intimate relationship without investing in intimacy. Maybe LS will teach me how
BlueEyedGirl Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 For the record, I can have sex and remain detached, On the other hand I can get very emotionally attached to someone I have never had sex with.
Author jen83 Posted March 22, 2009 Author Posted March 22, 2009 The guy I dated before this one. We were only together for two months also. I wasn't really into this guy intially, but he grew on me and I ended up really liking him. He was really into me intially but back off very slowly until he just dumped me one day, well by that time I *was* really into him and rather shocked. I'm not sure why it had such an effect on me after only two months, but I was near-devasted. It was terrible, I remained in contact with him for months hoping he'd change his mind. He didn't. So this time, I guess when I say I guarded myself better, I mean that I was more sensitive to signs he was pulling away from me. Or signs that something was up. I never acted on them, I remained as cheerful and pleased as ever, this *was* purely internal. But even when I was convinced this guy really liked me(the most recent guy), I still didn't allow myself to bask in happiness. I was ever-cautious because I know that human emotions are rather fickle. And now, I'm glad that I reacted that way because I couldn't stand to be destroyed again--I'm not up for it. Not to say that I'm not very saddened right now, but I can't allow myself to fall into a depression over it.
carhill Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 So this time, I guess when I say I guarded myself better, I mean that I was more sensitive to signs he was pulling away from me. Or signs that something was up. Enlighten me. I'm trying to reconcile this quote with what I'm reading in your OP. I'll set aside for a moment the mindset of "guarding" and its effect on the relational dynamic. I'm interested in the little indicators that, even in light of the big indicators he was into you, he was "pulling away". I will say, and this is for BEG's benefit as well, if you are able to and do have sex without any emotional attachment, IMO, it's better to be with a man who has a similar perspective, because you will toxify a man who invests his emotions with his sexual desires. He will sense your detachment and will, in his mind at least, move on and invariably will leave when another opportunity presents itself. I'm not saying the man in the OP is that kind of man, but it is possible. I've been a poster child for over-thinking feelings and I now can see that keeping to simple emotional honesty seems to work the best for me. YMMV, of course
Author jen83 Posted March 22, 2009 Author Posted March 22, 2009 Ok, I guess an example would be two weeks ago. He spent the entire weekend with me. It was awesome. He came over Friday night, stayed all day saturday, we went out to eat twice that day--breakfast and dinner--spent the night Saturday night(after buying a toothbrush to keep at my house), left Sunday around 2pm. At that point, I thought things were going really well. I thought *maybe* I'd see him Tuesday(that was another day off for me), but he was busy. That was ok. He doesn't come online for a few days. I was fine, I figured I'd see him Friday. He texts me Friday night, I respond to him asking him what he's up too--fully expecting at that point to see him either that night or over the weekend. He doesn't reply to me, but he texts me at 2am(while I was asleep). I text him back Saturday, he doesn't reply or come online all weekend. I was a bit disappointed because I'd expected to see him sometime over the weekend--by this point I'd not seen him since the previous Sunday, so it'd been a week. So he comes online Sunday night and we have a really good convo, he's playful, upbeat. I ask him to come over Monday(this being the last time I saw him), he agrees and brings over the food like I mentioned earlier, makes dinner, we have the sleep over--then he took off. So I was a little concerned that he didn't talk to me or make any attempt to see me last weekend, but I thought Monday had made up for it--until he stopped coming online and responding to me and making no attempt to see me since then. My guess, he either met someone or made progress with someone else either last weekend(and Monday was some guilt-visit) or on St. Patty's Day(Tuesday) that caused him to withdraw from me without a word. He still hasn't contacted me--remember now that intially we spoke *daily* and he'd always respond to me, so 5-6 days with nothing is a big change, it's not just in my head. Also keep in mind that all these days he didn't make it online to talk to me, he did indeed make it on Match.com and Facebook--every.single.day.
carhill Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 OK, that is good information. Something changed for him. Tell me, how good was he at proactively communicating his needs/wants and hearing yours? Is the behavior now experienced out of character for him in your opinion? Would you say, absent this singular event, that your instincts about him were that he was compatible with you at the level of intimacy that you had? Why? No need to articulate if you don't wish, but think about your instincts and how they match up (or not) with reality. As far as actions, the predominant advice here seems appropriate to me. Take no further action with him. Entertain the attentions of those men who are consistent and interested
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