gavinus Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 I was with my ex for 3 years. She dumped me 7 weeks ago. I have been NC for 3 weeks now after I saw her and put her off me permanently. She had anger issues which is why I said I would not marry her for or have a child with her. She then dumped me and blamed me for her anger etc also she said # I am a rescuer, which I need therapy for, # I do not love you, respect you and would not be proud to marry you at all etc etc etc. I want an out going sporty guy. She sent me an email today of some cat pictures I asked for 2 weeks ago. Her email read: Hi I have finally got some cat pictures for you, I will send more as I get them, have a good day. Should I respond?? All my friends/family say no, because she treated me so bad. In a week I am doing a endurance race for the first time. I really want to reply and drop in that I am doing an endurance race to show I am getting on with my life without her. I don't know if I should reply or not, any advice would be better than none as I want to make the best decision for me, thanks heaps
blondesmiler Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 Don't bother sometimes saying nothing is actually saying more!
famke Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 cat pictures? so she send you pictures of your cat? well, I don't really see why you would reply. It's not like she said anything like: how are you doing? I miss you.. Im sorry for everything. she just send you pictures. I say: don't!
RedRussian Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 Yea I agree with Famke...it was just " hi, here is stuff you wanted, bye" I say no reply!
Author gavinus Posted March 21, 2009 Author Posted March 21, 2009 thanks, I still care for her and miss her. I know the effort she would have gone into to take those pictures. She is a perfectionist. The temptation is to reply and pour my heart and soul out. What have I got to lose?? she doesn't want me anyway, so the end result of pouring my heart and soul out is nothing would change. would I feel better?
exclusive. Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 if you can do what I can't - Don't reply, as said above, its just a hi - heres your stuff - bye. If anything, this is actually her sly way of seeing how much of a hold she still has on you and whether you will boost her ego but replying, thats all she wants, to feed her confidence your still besotted by her that after 3 weeks of painful NC, you will give it all up for a sniff of conversation. the only thing any of us should even be tempted to reply to, again said above, is; Im sorry, made the biggest mistake - will you take me back?
socialight Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 do not reply to this woman regardless of the request.
Author gavinus Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 I won't contact her. I have been going to regular therapy sessions and now my therapist is having a month off. I don't know how I will cope. Thankyou everybody for supporting me, if I did not have this support I would of contacted her by now
Truly Lost Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 The anger issues are good enough reason not to continue a relationship, but telling her that you would not marry her or have her children would be reason enough not to pursue any further progression of a relationship. I'm sorry you are hurt and are probably just accepting this fact. Since she has the anger issues it would be fair to reason why she takes out anger on you. Was there something that she mentioned to you that you may have not taken seriously? I know when my ex told me he needed to work on making me happy, I closely watched if any effort was made and I recognized, weeks after he said this to me, that he was never going to put forth effort, it was just words. It only fueled more anger on my part. Telling someone you love them is not enough. I don't know what you did to show her love or fueled disappoint in her, but something was lacking in someway. Or maybe she is just crazy. If so, then sorry it didn't work. There are other people out there.
Author gavinus Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 She was diagnosed with hypomania/depression recently. She would come home after a day at work and something I would say would make her snap. She would then yell at me, get in my face, push, slam doors, cupboards, etc then run off and cry. I would comfort her. I thought her tears were tears of sorrow and change. I was wrong. Other days I could say the same thing and she would be ok. It just hurts that she has blamed me for issues I tried to support her with and in the end she made me the villain.
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 do not respond, seriously!!! matterr of fact ban her email!!!
Author gavinus Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 In the end I said I would not put up with her anger, but I did not back this up with actions. I suppose I felt powerless. And in the end I was the one who had the problem with her anger....not her. Some days I think maybe I should have stayed with her and put up with it, but I just believe it would not have been a good environment to raise kids.
Truly Lost Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Oh, I say reply if you want. It probably won't make a difference unless you ask or want her to reconcile. If you don't want that then I say go for it. She would like at least the acknowledgement that you got the photos. No need to show her that you harbor resentment, by ignoring her. Its probably clear, on both sides, that you both won't work out. Being kind is harmless. Just don't expect anything from it.
Author gavinus Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 the problem is I still love her, part of me wants to....but everytime I contact her, I end up upset.
Truly Lost Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Then why would you tell her you wouldn't marry her or have children with her? That's a deal breaker. No one wants to hear that from a romantic partner. Especially if she is emotionaly unstable. It sounds like a catch 22.
Truly Lost Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 She is incouragable. I'm sorry your at a loss. Acceptance really is only your "out" at this point. Your situation with her is unhappy for the both of you. You are obviously better off with out her. Being in love or not. Sorry.
Author gavinus Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 For 3 years she took her anger out on me. I tried to tell her, explain it to her, get therapy for her, she did not change. I told her I would not marry her or have kids while she treats me like **** when she gets angry. I told her anger is ok but the way it was presented at me was not. I had visions of coming home from work, her yelling at me, kids watching this behavior and then the kids copying it. I tried my best to get her to deal with the source of the anger, it did not work. I feel like I have failed. She then told me I need therapy for trying to help her.
Truly Lost Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 You didn't fail her. She failed you. This relationship is unhealthy. Perhaps you need a much needed break/breakup for her to realise the difference. Its not like she can go to the boyfriend store and find someone else. Tough love is only the answer for you right now. It may not relieve the situation, but can give you a better perspective on what you may or may not want to deal with. She sounds aweful. I'm sorry you have to deal with that type of abuse. You should let her go if she doesn't want to take attention to your happiness. Thats extemely important.....or are you a gluten for punishment? Its really up to you.
Author gavinus Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 no I am not a glutton for punishment, I tried my best. I told her I would not beg her back, she said "no please beg me back". It hurts that she admitted to me her anger was there long before I came along, but she would not or could not change it. Its hard when somebody agrees with you one day and then the next denies it, then shifts the blame elsewhere. Because I was upset and stressed the last time I saw her this only confirmed for her that I was the one with the problem not her. Its hard letting go
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