what to do Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 So here's the long story. Met this girl three years ago. We dated, and were together for about a year and a half. I loved her and she loved me, but I always felt in the back of my mind, that she just wasn't somebody that I would want to be with long term. However, I still loved her, but just felt like I needed time to figure out WHAT it is I actually wanted. So, I broke up with her. It crushed her. She was completely blindsided because things were fine, but I just didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. I cared about her and wanted the best for her, but just didn't feel that at that time I could be with her without feeling resentment or trapped or something (was young at the time...22). Anyway, we still wanted to be friends, because we get along pretty well and she's very smart and a bunch of other things. Problem was, after about four months or so...we started to meet up a little bit more....fool around, and well, we sort of got back together for a month. We never said we did, we never even said we were dating...we were just "hanging out", but it was all the same. So, I realized this, knew that I didn't want to get trapped back into this, so I broke up with her again. If I thought she was crushed last time....she was absolutely defeated this time. I mean...she wanted nothing to do with me, and she just hated my guts. Which I was fine with, even though I loved her so much, but I just knew that we weren't meant to be. Fast-forward about 6 more months. No friendship this time, no talking. Maybe three times I said "hello, how are you doing" on the internet, but nothing more than that (literally). She began dating other guys, and I was fine with that. I wanted out and we both were. However, for some reason we started to talk a little bit more. Started getting into some conversations, and we kind of fell into our old banter, and it felt good. Maybe it was the familiarity...who knows, but we basically started to meet up a bit, and got back together again. However, she made it explicitly clear that THIS time, she wouldn't be able to take it if I broke up with her again. And I believe her. She would be so crushed, that all hope she will ever have for a man would be lost. Her view of the world and relationships would be so damaged, that I doubt she would ever be really trusting and/or honest with another person. She's told me these things. We've been together for almost 9 months now...and I've been wanting to break up with her for the past 3. I just can't do it though. She's too sweet, too in love with me, just too MUCH. I just CAN'T do it to her again. There's no way. We've even had conversations, where it got to the point if I just said "yes" it would mean we're broken up, but I still couldn't do it. Because of what I'd done before. I'm so ridden with guilt about what I've done, that no matter how badly I believe we should end the relationship, no matter how badly I wish for her to date other people, that I'm just unable to do it. Now, I know I am cowardly, I know I am weak, but this girl is kryptonite. She is the sweetest person I'd ever known, my whole family is in love with her, we get along decently...it's just that I know I would not be able to marry her, and even though I am young (25) to be thinking about this, I can't help but think why am I wasting my time with her? The only problem is, that this time isn't exactly wasted, we still get along alright, I help her with things, she helps me with things. I'm just not IN love with her anymore, and haven't been since the first time we had been together. I see her as more of a great friend than somebody I'm in love with. I have no passion for her, I have no desire to scream to the world that I love her, I have no need to make her the top priority in my life. But I still love her. I love her so very much. I know I am rambling, I know I sound immature, but this is my life right now, and I need help somehow to change it, and do as little damage as I possibly can to make this easier on her. All I care about, is to make this as easily as possible on her, and to somehow get her to break up with ME even. It's just so tough...so confusing...
socialight Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 why dont you try posting the short story and I will get back to you.
confused11 Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 Wow, I am reading your post and I feel like I am talking to my ex. He said pretty much of what you are feeling. We did the whole on and off thing for a year and a half but he just didn't/couldn't express that passion for me that I felt for him. I don't know if it will ever be there or if it is just the timing (he is in the military, and travels A LOT and doesn't want a relationship). Everythng you say you feel about her that you love her so much but aren't in love with her, things between you are good, family and friends love her, I was just in her situation. Ok, from being on the other side of your situation, I can tell you that no matter what you do, she will be hurt. I am sure she senses something is off between you she is just hoping she is wrong. It's a sense of "security" in the relationship, like she feels her heart is safe with you, I never felt that when I was with him, like I couldn't just let go and trust that he loved me the way I loved him. It sucks and it hurts because as much as you want that person in your life, it just can't be that platonic. The fact is something is there, it is just not enough. I only spent a year and a half with him and wish it never went past the first month, because of how broken my heart is, it has gotten better to the point where I only cry on the inside and keep strict NC but it doesn't mean I dont want him to call. A few questions if you dont mind me asking...have you ever been in love before? Have you ever gotten your heart broken? Do you know why you can never see yourself marrying her? (religion, different goals, etc.) What holds you back from her? (attraction there?) This is a pattern that needs to be broken as soon as possible and maybe figuring out why you are against it, will help you from falling back into the pattern in the future. I would love to help as much as possible, because as I said, I feel like your g/f in this situation and want to help make it as easy on her on possible so she doesn't go through what I went through. She will be hurt though, that is unavoidable, but she doesn't need to be "tortured" so to speak.
EmperorR Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 Are you 100% sure about this? If so stop being greedy and leading her own if she is such a great girl like you say, then she deserves to be with a guy who loves her with all his heart.
Author what to do Posted March 22, 2009 Author Posted March 22, 2009 Short-Story: I very deeply love my girlfriend, but I am not IN love with her. I often find myself wishing I could get out of the relationship, but I have broken up with her two times in the past, and I fear that she would be greatly distressed if I broke up with her for a third time. She is a very smart, beautiful, and proud girl who has already told me at the beginning of this past "reconnection" that she could not handle a third time, and she already feels kind of ashamed that she came back to me this last time. I love her very much, and she is a great friend and person whom my family absolutely adores. But I am simply not IN love with her anymore, and am desperately trying to find ways to have her break up with ME, or break up in someway with the least amount of pain for her. RE: confused11 I have been in love before, and have had my heart broken. I cannot see myself marrying her, simply because we have very different tastes in a lot of things, and because we can only handle each other in small doses (currently we only see each other about 2-3 times a week because of our jobs). Also, I am in a position where I travel a lot, and am often gone on weekends (about every other). What also holds me back, is the fact that I am pretty young, and haven't really met a lot of people. In high school and college I was very shy, and was a bit of late-bloomer socially. I feel that since I don't have that passionate love for her, surely there is somebody else that I could connect with? However, I know am greedy, and that I am leading her on. It's just very difficult when you come to love somebody not as a partner, but as a person and friend, and THEN you have to break their heart. I just wish there was some way I could have her believe that I am not what she wants, or that she deserves better (which I tell her often). But thanks for the reply to this thread. I was not expecting any help, and just thought it would get lost in the board, but thank you for taking the time to read my scenario. I am sorry to hear about your ex as well. If he was anything like me, I am sure he was absolutely crushed to have had to break up with you (I was the first time I broke up with her).
Flying Burrito Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 This is almost EXACTLY the same situation I had with my girlfriend only I would say there was plenty of passion for both of us. I just didn't have that IN love feeling anymore. She is beautiful and strong and proud and so damn smart. And she loves me better than anyone has or could. I couldn't tell her no either. I couldn't lie to her and I couldn't stand to see her hurt so I did what I knew would be the worst thing, I stopped having any contact with her. She had no warning. Probably she'll never trust anyone again after what I did. The problem I have is that she was perfect for me. There has never been anyone else for me since I met her. I miss her every day and I'll never be able to talk to her again. I know I made it happen that way but it hurts anyway.
norajane Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 I love her very much, and she is a great friend and person whom my family absolutely adores. But I am simply not IN love with her anymore, and am desperately trying to find ways to have her break up with ME, or break up in someway with the least amount of pain for her.If you love her as much as you say you do, then STOP BEING A F*UCKING COWARD AND BE HONEST with her. You're 25. Time to grow some balls and stop stringing this girl along and trying to make HER break up with you. BE A MAN already and tell her the truth. All you're doing right now is creating more pain. Just be honest and tell her the truth. Trust me, she'll get over it, and you. She's told me these things.And you know why she told you these things? She was being honest and telling you that if you weren't all in, then you'd best not get involved again. But you did anyway. So now you have to do the hard thing and be honest and get out and stay out of her life so she can move on.
messed-mind Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 Dude, have a serious word with yourself and give yourself a shake. You're messing with someone's life, mental state, feelings, future; you name it. What you're doing to her is horrific. Yes, everyone gets broken up with and some people try again only for it to not work for some reason - but to get back with her another TWO TIMES and in both situations turn round and say "well, I don't quite fancy this anymore, cheerio!". Man up about it. You are simply NOT into this girl, but by christ you love the attention and sex when it suits you. Do the right thing NOW, break up with her and leave her the-f'ck alone. It's not completely your fault you're in this mess, she needs to have a word with herself for sucking up your b*ll**** for the third time. She should have known better by now to go back to someone spineless like you. But hey, you can't help how you feel, but you need to start having some respect and dignity for human decency.
Flying Burrito Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 I think I understand what you're going through because I'm there myself. If you're anything like me, you probably hate yourself now. I wasn't jerking her along for the three years we were together. The on and off wasn't because I wanted to get laid. I didn't need the attention. I wanted HER. If I asked God to make the perfect woman for me, it would have been my girlfriend. I never wanted another girl when we were together. I never cheated. I just knew I wasn't going to marry her and I hated myself for it. You can come over and read my situation. Reading your situation sounds so like mine its painful to read. I did stop having all contact with my girlfriend. I felt like I was released but she had no warning. For the rest of my life I will live with knowing I probably hurt her so badly she'll never recover.
Lippy2 Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 Be a man. Step up to plate and tell her the truth. Do not just disappear, do not lie, TELL HER THE TRUTH. The truth may hurt her but trust me it's better than the leading her on and toying with her emotions. SHOW SOME RESPECT FOR THIS PERSON YOU CARE ABOUT.
jessicarabbit Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 I am very firmiliar to this situation, I can help you. One of my ex's and I are still very close friends and he was in the EXACT same situation. He loved the girl to death and thought she was really sweet, and she adored him, but he had wanted out for almost 6 months and just felt too guilty breaking her heart. Let me tell you something, coming from a woman, you are only making it 10 times harder on her everyday that you dont break up with her. Everyday that goes on, that is just one more day that she is more in love with you, and that you are not in love with her and when the news hits her its going to be even more devistating the longer you wait. If you are not happy, and you can not see yourself marrying her, and you are not in love with her anymore you have to gain the courage to tell her. Waiting for her to break up with you or for her to mess up is not the way an adult should handle this situation. It is not going to be fun, it is going to be the hardest thing you will ever do and there is a very good chance that she is not going to want to speak to you for a long time but if she is the sweet girl that you say she is she will forgive you and maybe at some point in time you two can find a way to be friends or at least civil with each other. Sit down, write down everything you want to say to her, tell her that you love her but you just dont feel the same anymore, I know its hard, I really do, and I wish you the best.
Maria_la_Guera Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 I know exactly what you mean. I had a boyfriend for a year who I knew I would never marry, although I missed him when he wasn't there and wanted to spend time with him every day. At the beginning, when he said he loved me I would have trouble saying I did as well, just because I knew I didn't really truly love him in that way. Eventually HE started avoiding me and we broke up (probably as a result of me picking fights and being jealous, because I guess I needed to speed up the breaking up before it would be too difficult). After that I was devastated for a while (mainly because I was blaming myself and thought I'd never find another guy, for being so picky and because it was too late to get him back) but then very very happy to have got out. I still don't know what it is that tells one that this is not the right person for you. In any case, in my experience, you should listen to yourself in that because you won't be able to change what you feel. I'm sure your girlfriend would never want to be with someone who thinks that she is not the one, if she is that devouted to you. At least you should let her know that and not make her waste any more time with you. Also YOU shouldn't waste any more of your time if you think you could find someone you truly love instead. It would be easy to say that you are being selfish but I think I know what you're going through. It's really hard to break someone's heart when they love you and you care about them but it's even worse, for them and for you, if you keep on waiting.
Beautiful Inside Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 somtimes people start to think "the grass is greener on the other side" or what if theres osmthing better....how could you say your not inlove with this girl. yes feelings change after motnsh of years with being with somone but doesnt mean you dont love them anymore. Its just prob that the honeymoon stage ended a little thats all. if you weren inlove with her then why did you keep contacting her all those times to get back into her life. why wouldn't you just let her be happy with someone who did love her then..... i think the truth is you might be wondering at age 25 now is this it? is this my life? maybe your bored i dont know for sure but you need to figure **** out and figure it out quick how dare you play with this girls heart and emotions you should be ashamed of yourself, especially your whole family loves and adores her.... do you have any sisters or think if you had a daughter one day would you want a man treating them the way your treating her....then put a stop to this and either end **** right now and let her move on with her life starting now or try and figure out what is your deal, she seems likes she a wonderful person from what you describe....i just think guys start to get nervous about the future and commitment, let me tell you something life is sooo short your half way to 30 and you've been lucky to have meet someone who is deeply in love with you unconditionally and your so selfish for whatever your reasons are to even really stop and think about what you will be loosing....i think your so taking her for granted....i really feel sorry for her....
Fantastic1987 Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 This is easy. How would you feel if you guys broke up and she found the man of her dreams and not some guy that is inconsistent like you? (not saying its your fault at all) How would you feel? at the same time you dont want to hang onto something if yu cant see yourself marrying her one day you know? this is up to you. The relationship seems so rocky though because of the breaking up/getting back together so soon afterwards. Also, even though she says she cant handle it she is a girl nad has to be prepared and strong! you have to live your life too you know? i really dont knwo waht else to say but its up to you.
socialight Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 messed mind beat me to it. You are acting like a selfish, inconsiderate jerk. "" I very deeply love my girlfriend, but I am not IN love with her. "" Please write these words down on a sheet of paper and reconcile them. It's like saying "I'm really dead, but I'm not dead". Being in love is an absolute condition. You are or you are not. You are not, and you can't have it both ways. A selfish child tries to have everything he wants. You are trying to enjoy the benefits of this woman w/o the guilt you will experience of blowing her off again. For that, you deserve condemnation. Be a man, and respect this girl and act on your real feelings (ie, the not love part) and show some conviction. And if you only understand it in selfish terms, consider how other are going to view your actions down the road, and how that could come back to haunt you.
Zeta4PhiSius Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I echo socialight's sentiments. Man up and tell her what's really going on once you reconcile what he told you to write down on paper. What you're really doing right now is living a lie. You're having your cake and eating it too, a very selfish thing to do when your partner is probably thinking about marriage to you at this point. If you're not going to marry her or want to be with her long term, tell her. Sure it's going to hurt - it's SUPPOSED to. You're telling someone you care about that you don't want to be together anymore. The damage is already done, BTW. You'll be able to prevent further damage down the road if you wait a year to tell her. So what's she supposed to think then? "My boyfriend lied to me for a whole year and then broke up with me?" Do you realize how that sounds? You need to man up, let her know, face it, and be done with it if that's really what you want to do. She'll respect you more in the end for it and perhaps you can still be friends.
confused11 Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 what to do - I cannot express enough how much I feel for you and her. I am really trying to understand why you feel the way you do or how it has even gotten to this point. If you weren't in love with her, why did you keep going back to her and if you were in love with her the entire time, then why did you break up with her the first two times. I'm going to call you mr. selfish lol (i mean that in a nice fun way so please don't take offense) From what you wrote mr. selfish, it sounds like you don't want to settle down anytime soon, you want to experience life and there is nothing wrong with that but it sounds like you don't want to experience it with her (go out and do things, anything, that you don't want to have to censor or defend). There are certain red flags that arise in a relationship, like the difference in taste you were talking about. Have you ever spoken to her about them? I mean if something is wrong in a relationship, you try to talk them out, communicate with your partner to get over them together, it doesn't sound like you did. Also, you can only hanlde each other in small doses? Do you guys fights if you are together too long?? I'm confused (lol - a small haha for me ) Make a list of your "issues" being in a relationship with her (differences, amount of time spent together, and anything else that makes you not want to be with her and the things you want to do in/with your life that you feel you are being held back for) can you work through any of them because if you love her so much, and can work through them, wouldn't you want to? But if you just want to be a single guy, and just enjoy a carefree bachelor type lifestyle, then admit that to yourself and do it. (btw...i think thats what you are feeling because you are not asking how to fix it but to rather end it) But either way, if there is a shimmer of hope or not, you gotta talk to her very soon, to rephrase from another post above (too many to go back and find it and it is late, sorry lol) each day that you don't do it, is another day you are lying to her and another day she is in love with you. BTW...thanx for the kind words, he seemed upset to do it, but who knows. He knows right now, he doesn't want to be with me. I was crushed but it is getting better everyday, 3 weeks NC started by me. He couldn't make uo his mind and I couldn't waste anymore time loving someone that wasn't in it like I was. Mayeb our paths will cross again one day, maybe not, you never know what the future brings so don't waste the present not being happy or living a lie. I always try to treat others how I want to be treated, would you want what you are doing done to you?
crisla Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Well... you need to have a REALLY SERIOUS THINKING THERE DUDE! If you decided that she is not the one, you need to tell her and PLEASE DON'T EVER EVER ASK HER BACK to you EVER AGAIN when you are feeling lonely! SHE IS A PERSON WITH A HEART NOT A STONE! Think how would you feel if you put yourself in her potition. IT HURTS! She deserve better!
Donovan Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 just let her go man. please dont' play with that poor girl's emotions and be selfish. it's not a great feeling to be strung along and played with to satisfy one's needs for the moment.
Alex_M Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Maybe you don't understand what love is. I don't think a lot of people do, but passion is something you create in your mind, not something that just magically happens. Love is a commitment as well as an emotion, you TOLD HER you were in on it. We all get scared about long term commitments, but if you can't see your self with this girl long term then can you tell me why? What do you want? The honeymoon period? Because that feeling will wear off with every girl that you meet after a while if you don't act yourself. If you're certain you want out then the answer is obvious, destroy her. But live knowing you did so. You're feeling guilty, now guilt is actually a very selfish emotion. It's stopping you doing the right thing for HER because it makes YOU feel bad. You don't sound like a bad guy but it does sound like you made some dumb decisions. We all do, but this one's a whopper. Maybe you should explain all this to her, instead of just breaking up. Tell her that you really wanted it to work and that you thought it would but
Ruby Slippers Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Let her go, and DO NOT EVER CONTACT HER AGAIN. If you really care about her, you will let her go and LEAVE HER ALONE. In spite of what she said, she'll get over you.
carhill Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 I know I am cowardly, I know I am weak I know I am rambling, I know I sound immature we can only handle each other in small doses I know am greedy, and that I am leading her on I just wish there was some way I could have her believe that I am not what she wants, or that she deserves better Try getting in front of a psychologist and sharing your story and the quoted portions in particular. I think you'll find the process enlightening You're young, been in love, lost love, have had the love a woman and don't feel the same love in return. I'd say you've been pretty busy for a "late bloomer", busier than me in my 50 years on this planet. Make that appointment today
ranae Posted March 28, 2009 Posted March 28, 2009 I really do feel for her. I really do. And you know why? I was that woman, I AM that woman right now. After six long years of an off and on relationship with my ex, he gave me all these reasons why he couldn't go on. At first I wasn't 'opening' up to him, then he couldn't get over his ex, then there was no passion and he didn't have fun hanging out with me and now, he felt the relationship was one-sided after all these years, I was not supportive and he felt he couldn't marry me because he felt those things will never change. I find it laughable when he wrote these things (yes break over email) as I was the ONE who showered him with love and affection and was there to listen and play psychologist whenever he felt down and had problems. He even told me last week that that his past actions was out of his character, he was in love with me and there was no one else out there for him, what a freakin joke. What to do- You are definitely confused and unstable, just like my ex. You want her with you for your convenience. How the hell can you stay with someone you are not in love with for that long? I don't care how delicate you try to end things, she will be absolutely mortified that you are leaving her once again and unfortunately, she will have a hard time trusting any man in the future and will be emotionally distant to anyone who comes her way. I cannot see myself marrying her, simply because we have very different tastes in a lot of things, and because we can only handle each other in small doses (currently we only see each other about 2-3 times a week because of our jobs). Also, I am in a position where I travel a lot, and am often gone on weekends (about every other).Excuses, excuses, excuses. Different tastes? Have you ever explained to her what are these 'different' tastes? I think a healthy blend of differences and similarities is great and I'm sure somewhere in the relationship there were some similarities between you two if you stayed together for three years. And seeing someone you're dating only 2 or 3 times a week isn't that bad at all, it could be a lot worse. I bet she understood your traveling and if she really had a problem with it, she will no longer be with you. This girl seems like a patient person to me. What also holds me back, is the fact that I am pretty young, and haven't really met a lot of people. In high school and college I was very shy, and was a bit of late-bloomer socially.Okay, you only want to have fun being single and I guess dating a bunch of women to make up for lost time. That's sounds about right. It this was truly your goal, you should have really tried your best not contacting her and hooking up again. I also think you are using these reasons to not be in love with her, if she is so great as you say. I will say you are a selfish man and at 25, I think you should know better. Late bloomer my foot, there is no reason to treat anyone that way because you want to be free for the third time. Just go ahead and end things but just remember, when you find that girl that you 'feel' head over heels in love with, it is a guarantee that what you did will come back to you, she will do the exact same thing you done your soon to be ex. It will defnitely catch you off guard.
rebmalove Posted March 29, 2009 Posted March 29, 2009 Thats what my ex told me flying burrito. How can you feel that way- so strong for someone and just lose that feeling? And on top of that, know that they were perfect for you? It hurts me to my core that my ex feels that way. At least I have a little clarification as to why it hurts so bad and why I feel this way...
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