Vaz00 Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 I am hoping to get some good advice on my situation.. Background: I'm 26 and the ex is 30, we dated for 7 months and broke up late Nov. We broke up because basically he was needy, clingy, emotional and put me on a pedestal...and because I was emotionally shut-down and felt controlled and smothered. Our break up talk was a mutual discussion started by him, but esentially it was me who wanted the break up. He asked for me back once in Jan after the break up to which i said no. Following the break up we continued to talk constantly and then i asked for space- he got angry and it lead to bickering. The bickering has happened constantly for other reasons over the last 4 months and i have consciously gone "no contact" many times- which he always breaks within a few days by msging/emailing and telling me he wants us to be friends. He has started seeing someone new a month and half ago. He has said they are taking it really slow. He doesn't sound excited about her when i have spoken to him and frankly, i dont want to ask questions because id rather not know. The most recent contact..After over 2 weeks of no contact, he messaged me a few days ago and told me he misses me and my insight on life and that he has so much respect for me and wants us to be friends. I have told him im happy to try to get there slowly but that im still unsure if we are ready. This then lead to a phone convo a couple of days later.. We discussed us and our relationship and maturely came to some realisations about why we wouldnt work. During the convo he seemed to keep asking me if i had met anyone, hooked up with anyone etc..i kept telling him it's dangerous to discuss such things. (And i haven't). He kept asking me about 3-4 times jokingly..he wouldn't let up. He then found out that I was going to be in the same city as him with some girlfriends during an upcoming holiday period and he immeadiately went really quiet and said You arent going over X period are you? And when i said Yes..why? His voice traileld off and said Oh im going to be there too...! And then proceeded to sound excited and tell me that he was ONLY going with his best buddy and nobody else- he told me this twice...he said stuff about how we'd probably run into each other..He really wanted me to know he wasnt going with a girl it seems. At the end of the conversation, i made a joke about my single friends meeting men during this weekend away. He said oh im sure ill be hanging out with single guys that weekend...(which i found strange)....and i then made a joke about how id probably meet the man of my dreams that weekend when all my single girlfriends cant seem to find a nice guy and i actually dont want a relationship..He once hung up on me for a similar joke a couple of months prior..(even though he claimed he doesn't have feelings anymore).he got really quiet and right then said "well I have to go" and ended the convo politely by saying it was great to talk to you etc..etc.. I then sent him a message telling him id be in his town in a couple of weeks (Which he already knew and wanted to give me something of mine i left at his place when i was in town) and whether he wanted to catch up? He has not replied. I sent him another msg the next day saying it's ok if you don't.. Still no reply. I think for me, once i finally see him again i feel i will be at peace -it will be closure and we can actually be friends. I am unsure what to do. On one hand he is telling me he is ready to be friends and totally fine and over me.....on the other hand the things he is saying and doing make me think he still has feelings. Does he? What's the right thing to do? Sorry it's so long
trying123 Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 Time is too close together, being friends after a relationship is tough, its not for everybody. It does not seem like he can handle it. If you even have the slightest inkling that he wants to be more than friends than you should not be with him truthfully, it is not fair to him, that is why people go NC after a break up, it is for both people to heal. It is almost selfish to be friends if the other person still has feelings for you He clearly wants you in his life too much, you guys are talking alot after a breakup, do you might wanna get back with him?
hopesndreams Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 He still has feelings for you. Tell him it is over if it's over. If you want to get together with him do it for unselfish reasons and not because you are getting a kick out of it.
Author Vaz00 Posted March 21, 2009 Author Posted March 21, 2009 I don't want to date him again and i certainly don't want to meet up with him to get a kick out of it. I do genuinley want to be friends with him. I have no cruel intentions towards him ..that's why i'm asking what i should do. I don't want to hurt him or prolong the pain. But he insists he's healed so then how do i tell him i dont think he has?! Doesnt that sound really egotistical?
trying123 Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 Honestly, you are slowly pulling the band aid off, it is just not in the cards to be friends, he obviously can't understand you only have one option, the only true friend thing you can do is to not to be friends with him, you are being a good friend by letting him move on, maybe after time has passed you guys can be friends again time heals all wounds, some need longer than others
AMM003 Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 Its very obvious he can't get you off his mind. He is a bit blind and sounds like he is obsessing over you. Time to cut him off. I think it will help both of you guys move on. Especially him.
Author Vaz00 Posted March 22, 2009 Author Posted March 22, 2009 Thanks for all the advice. Do I tell him I think we shouldn't talk because he isn't over me? Or should I just cut him off? Whenever I cut him off and stop communication he always rings/msgs/emails and then continues to until I repy...so i think it may be cruel to do that? But i think he may think im full of myself if i tell him i think he isnt over me?
burningashes Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 Yes, cut him off. Explain your reasons- ie: he's not over you, and you don't feel comfortable being friends with him as it isn't helping him move on. Then, go NC. Be firm.
era Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 Lots of back'n forth BS going on here. Making a clean break and initiating NC would have been a better choice. He sounds like he wants more than friendship. And you are fuelling the fire by constantly replying to his calls/msgs/texts/emails.
messed-mind Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 Lots of back'n forth BS going on here. Making a clean break and initiating NC would have been a better choice. He sounds like he wants more than friendship. And you are fuelling the fire by constantly replying to his calls/msgs/texts/emails. Good post, and the exact truth. He wants more than friends, you're feeding ideas and giving him hope simply by reacting to his calls. This is going to end in disaster.
Author Vaz00 Posted March 22, 2009 Author Posted March 22, 2009 Thanks for all the honest advice, I really appreciate it. I do agree i should have gone NC at the start. A couple of months back i told him i didnt think he was over me yet and it wasnt fair to this new girl he is dating, and he got really angry and told me he totally was over me and that he liked her now. I am guessing this was a defence mechanism? Im weary of telling him why im not talking to him anymore for this reason, i dont want him thinking im full of myself and egotistical. On the other hand, i am scared that this is going to turn into a form of torture for him. Why does he want to be friends with me? To keep me close in hope? Even though he knows i dont want to get back together. Even though he is dating someone else?
messed-mind Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 Seriously, stop analysing it. Your relationship with him is over, the sooner you both continue your lives with NC, the better. I tried to get another girl into my life when my girlfriend of five years dumped me. When I got one, I was clearly still in love with my ex, and I pursued her on a "friends basis" - by the end of the call, even though I was adamant that this new girl was great for me, I wanted my ex back. I tried to tell her how sweet and lovely she was, but none of it mattered. Needless to say the new girl situation ended quite quickly. Ask yourself this - what does he stand to gain from being friends with you?
Author Vaz00 Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 Okay. I am going to go NC and tell him why...i know he will tell me im full of it and that he's fine but i guess only time will tell...
Alex_M Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 I know you probably don't want to hear this but... if someone loves you and would do anything for you then obviously they are going to go crazy when you leave. You're trying to rationally analyse something that is totally irational. I can tell you from personal experience that anything he's been saying recently isn't really him. It's him unintentionally trying to push different parts of his personality at you to see if you bite. I did it and it hurts more than anything to do... you feel stupid and ashamed and angry. I understand now why my ex suddenly stopped talking to me and was angry at me, because i didn't understand and i still don't but he won't either. If you feel a certain way for another person and you thought they recipricated those feelings it's very confusing when they tell you that they don't. Just tell him it's over, that you don't want to talk to him anymore. But for gods sake don't tell him what to do (e.g. find someone else). It's condecending as hell. ^ All of this will destroy him inside for a while but it's unavoidable. You sound like you care, hell you posted on the forums so at least you care enough to hurt him. Don't be selfish at a time like this, major guilt is nothing compared to a broken heart. Good luck and everything
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