gypsygal Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 First time on this site and after reading i figure why not post and get some advice which is needed We have been married for 18 years and known each other for 21 years. Everything in our relationship was normal and typical until about 4 years ago. At that time I was depressed and not wanting sex and basically told hubby that if I didn’t like it to find someone else Him Not wanting to ever really cheat on me he turned to an internet chat room where over time he did meet someone far away that he talked with and got some comfort from. After a month or so of chatting I found out got mad, even though I had basically said for him to find someone, and asked him to stop talking to the person which he did Over the next few years if we had a situation where I pushed him away or was in my depression he would look for comfort in the chat rooms and find someone for a short period of time This has gone on and off the last 4 years. Well the last time I got into my funk and he turned to the internet a person he was talking with who he thought was a ways away turned out to be local. She asked if they could have lunch and he agreed. She was married with two kids and having problems and he just wanted to talk so he saw no harm They met for lunch twice and talked about our situations and such and found some comfort in each other. He says they shared a hug each time but nothing else. Well again I found out and went crazy over this. This was the early part of this year and now we can’t seem to move on and put it behind us. I am afraid the next time I get this way he will meet someone again and he has the same fear We have tried counseling and that didn’t seem to work for us. We have talked till we are blue in the face with no resolve. We are now trying to live apart in the same house in separate bedrooms and such in hopes of figuring out what to do, but it doesn’t seem to be working at all Thankfully we have no children so that has not been an issue. The issue has become what he can do when I get in my moods and funk for comfort that won’t lead to situations that upset me. He says he has hurt me and does not want to be in that situation again but he knowns me for over 20 years and knows I will get in that mood eventually and he need a release valve for that time In addition, to that we have had discussions over frequency of sex and such, i am more the few times a month person recently while he is still the few times a week person he always has been. Recently also the sex has gotten down to a one position type sex over the last few years as well. While we would love to see things change and become spicier like they used to be and go beyond that. Since all this recent stuff happened we have been away from each other sexually for a few months as we felt that was best. Now I feel rejected and he told me now you know how he felt during those times For some background he has always made good money so I work when I want to, many times just a few days a month and we for the most part have a good life and are the best of friends a good portion of that time. I do have issues with him having to constantly check on work even when we are on vacation or weekends and such through my blackberry but he always reminds me that it is what pays for the trips and allows us to do what we do so it is a necessary evil. We love to travel and do so often. I am Hispanic, He is white, and I do have a feisty moments for sure We are just lost right now as to what to do and have talked of divorce because he don’t want to hurt me again and I don’t want to hurt him again. he says part of him really wants to work this out with me, but a small part of him after 20 years cannot deal with the mood swings and funk anymore and really needs something or someone to help him during that time. He misses the chatting and friends he has made there but he has stayed away from it at my request. We are both catholic so family, friends and such really have not been helpful as their only advise is marriage is forever so work it out and deal with it. So any help would be appreciated thanks in advance
hopesndreams Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 Sounds as though you have put him through the mill. You want him? Smarten up and treat him with respect and quit feeling so down on yourself and expecting him to always pick you up.
sadintexas Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 Have you had any individual counseling (IC)? It really sounds appropriate and necessary based on what you've said. I would say you communicated your needs poorly. You were looking for him to do something else to help you and instead pushed him away and expected him to read your mind. I say this because you freaked each time he went when you pushed. Depression, IMO, is not an excuse. If you knew you were depressed, you had an obligation to work on that and get the appropriate help. I'm not implying there's an overnight cure, but working on it and including him in the process is beneficial. Pushing him away and saying things you don't mean isn't. As far as the getting jealous over time spent on him checking on work while it's his personal time...that's something you'll have to deal with. It buys you the freedom and luxuries you enjoy. It's a necessary part of life. I feel for your husband. It sounds like he hasn't been able to approach you in a direct and open way in a long time. I think, again, you should see an IC before you push him too much. Give him some space and work on yourself if you still value this man. Do it for both of you.
Gunny376 Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 First I would suggest a full medical check-up for both you, but most especially for you. You could be premenopausal or even going through menopause ~ that plays hell with a women hormones. If you have a history of breast cancer in your family ~ then HRT ~ Hormone Replacement Therapy is out of the question. If your not menopausal ~ it could simply the type of birth control that your on. It could be your Catholic background in that the Church teaches that sex is only for the procreation of children. For that you would need individual and joint counseling from a more enlightened Priest that is school and more knowledgeable as to human sexual behavior. By your stating you periodically get into "funks" I believe that this is hormonal ~ and thus could be influenced by diet and any types of medications that you may be on. It would be best to speak to more than one Dr. about this. Don't take just one or two Dr's word for it ~ seek other's opinons until you find the solution to your problems. Women on birth control tend to have less need for sex, but when they come off birth control they have about the same desire as men ~ and its how men relate to eitherside of that which determines the sucess of the relationship? Its also age dependent, (which you didn't state). Obviously you and your DH value your marriage and your relationship ~ you just have this "sticking point" and you've obviously have told him something that you didn't have the heart for but which made sense in your mind at the time. Guns
Author gypsygal Posted March 22, 2009 Author Posted March 22, 2009 Thanks for all the comments. We both have regular physicals and they tell me i am fine although i still have my doubts. I have seen two doctors who both tell me i am not pre-menapausal so i don't know. I don't take birth control and never have. We always wanted kids but were never blessed with them. Thanks again for all the input and keep it coming please.
Author gypsygal Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 Ok I set another doctors apoinment for thursday ... to tlak to him ......
TrustInYourself Posted March 24, 2009 Posted March 24, 2009 Relationship problems are solved by addressing what we have the most control over. Ourselves. Your focus is his behavior, when you should be focusing on your own mental state/health. Why worry about and demand a change from him, when you are the catalyst? You asked him to find someone else, yet when he forces you to face consequences, you choose to blame him? On the other side, you're enabling his behavior. Stop making excuses for him and yourself. Take responsibility for your actions. Get help. Also, understand yourself and what triggers the behavior that forces your husband away. I'm not saying you're completely at fault. I'm saying that you have to address this complex issue with the most effective action possible. Doing something to personally change, rather than communicating or blaming your spouse. He's not perfect, but the focus should be you and your imperfections. Yeah, it's not going to be easy either. No one likes to look at themselves and say yeah, I am responsible for this.
Author gypsygal Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 thanks for all the advice at this moment while we are kind of separated different bedrooms I have done alot of thinking and I understand why he turned to computer friends because I pushed him. Well now I am determined and believe I can turn myself around that it is not to late. I have been exercising and going to start yoga soon they tell me that helps, but after pushing my husband away for so long how can I make him believe in me that I can change. I do not want to loose him and our marriage so I am willing to go get help. I am going to go see the doctor again on Thursday and ask about the moods and etc. again I have told them I am in that age 45 I keep saying pre menopausal they say no so we will see what he recommends
pelicanpreacher Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 How strong is and has been your desire to have children? How close are you to your own family and how often do you get to visit or interact with them? What passions inspire your life that you could put effort toward in fulfilling yourself within the boundaries of your own being? From what I've gleaned, you have the luxury of idle time on your hands because of your husband's earning capacity. I think that the weight of taking stock of what's missing from your lives gets too heavy from time to time for inner reasons known only to you so maybe a little introspection into the nature of the intangible issues driving your unhappiness can help you to identify those factors that cyclically manifest themselves in the form of depression allowing you to become more aware of why these funks keep happening! You are right to worry for everytime you put your husband through the ringer you take a little more life out of the marriage. Sooner or later your husband will hit his breaking point and then what will you do?
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 26, 2009 Posted March 26, 2009 When you deprive a man of sex you hurt him, very deeply. It is good that you are dealing with your problems instead of putting your head in the stand. I know if I was him I'd just outright divorce m wife, 20 years, little sex??? But im glad he's taking the lead as well. Most guys could just have easily left the marriage, women too. I'm glad y'all trying to work it out.
Author gypsygal Posted March 27, 2009 Author Posted March 27, 2009 Ok well went to doctor he prescribed me some medication to take daily so hope that will help with the moods he says since I do not have a thyroid my hormones are out of wack so he is guessing that’s why I get in this moods, meanwhile I will also work on me working out and going to work more often and giving my husband what he needs TRUST, SEX and a HAPPY wife he can count on and I thank you all for all your input Gypsygal
Author gypsygal Posted April 7, 2009 Author Posted April 7, 2009 well i have been on this medicine doctor gave me i think it has helped me but i need to give it more time and see ...
Author gypsygal Posted April 20, 2009 Author Posted April 20, 2009 well things have not been any better and now hubby wants to go our different ways i do not want that i love him to much to let him go i have tried and him 2 and we just can not seem to get past the issues we have i try to push them aside and try to act like nothing but he says i can not ignore the issues and until we can there is really nothing. i do not what the answers are to our issues and him either we have bad attitudes to each other we get along fine away from home and then when we come back its trouble. i cried my eyes out and told him i did not want to walk away but he says without a solution to attitude we can not move on ....i am lost i do not know what to say for me to stay with him and make him realize it would not be good to walk away after 20 years of marrige...
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