stepka Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 So I've been out of circulation for 25 years and newly separated and feeling like a kid in a candy shop. I thought I'd post on one of those dating sites just to see who might turn up and not expecting a whole lot. At first I waited to see who might write (I'm 49 yo, BTW) but no one did, so I picked a couple of likely looking guys--average looking, not too handsome, since I have no idea what anyone thinks of me really. No answer and no one writes. I start to get a bit depressed, esp since I went out on a very safe blind date with some guy who turned out to weigh about 100 lbs more than his pic and he didn't even like me much--just went straight home after the symphony. That same night I went home all dressed up w/ nowhere to go and went to a coffee shop and this drop dead gorgeous man flirted with me for a while and then at work the next day a very nice looking teacher flirted too--I think he'd just found out I was available. So I was feeling a bit better. Then the next day the hottest looking man on the dating site wrote and told me how beautiful I am and he was only 40. I got a couple more letters from men--also very good looking--and they thought I was very attractive too, and now some 29 yo cutie pie is writing, but WTF! Then some guy from India wants to marry me--in the first email. Is this common for these sites? The thing is, I'm not taking a single one of them seriously--the first one is a construction engineer, but has the worst spelling and grammar I've ever seen--like almost incoherent. I don't know--I guess I thought maybe in a month or two I might have heard from 1 or 2 normal looking and sounding men, but instead it feels like these guys probably don't really look like their pic if they think I'm beautiful--the 29 yo is the only one I was even tempted to write back to--at least he's extremely entertaining. I guess I sound silly, esp at my age, but I'm confused--I'm not attractive to average looking men, but I am to some handsome men? (if they really are that goodlooking on the dating website) I might add that the pix I posted are real--I didn't even have on make-up or nice clothes, though I was on vacation, LOL. I need some perspective here.
Author stepka Posted March 21, 2009 Author Posted March 21, 2009 Sorry, I should have asked my questions in a more straight-forward way: Is it common to only hear from men who live 1000 or more miles away? The one I like best lives in California and I live in Missouri. I've also gotten mail from men in India and London. Is it common to hear from those much younger or older? The 29 yo is darling, but I can't see it working out. He at least lives near here. Is it common to have very good looking people contact you, but no one you consider to be "in your league"? I mean, is this all a joke or something? How serious are people on these sites usually? (They seem serious enough) I don't want to made a fool of or worse--I'm pretty sure I am quite average looking and I look my age. Only a handful of men have contacted me, but they all say I'm gorgeous and I just don't get it. If I am that good looking, why wouldn't I hear from more people who live near me or are closer to my age? It just doesn't make sense. I know enough people who have met online that I know it can work, but it seems to not be working out too well for me--it's one of those free ones--could that be the problem?
Jaytb Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 Online dating is really flaky. Maybe you are more attractive than you think. Have you tried contacting anyone your age?
voldigicam Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 It's an odd thing. Responses are all over the place. Not that I should advertise, but I did. Looking for middle-age moms in need of cuddling. Attracted middle-aged moms who want company walking their dogs and visiting the library. OR who want very quick anon sex in their mini-van. Neither what I like. The surprise was the 20 somethings - several very much wanted to meet me. One engaged, but knowing he's got some weaknesses in the cuddling department. One who is a sub and seems to think I have something to offer that her own cohort doesn't. Well, I very much do, but I don't expect the 20 somethings to know that. And no older women. At all. Not even my age. So it's weird. But there are really compatible and nice people out there, mixed in with all the oddness. And you will get many junk emails. 1000 miles away etc. Just dump them and don't worry about it.
LoveLace Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 Welcome to the world of online dating...if anything it seems to present more disappointments than good opportunities, sadly. And sooo many people use this method that this makes it harder to narrow it down to a mutual feeling of interest. It also depends on how you feel about the idea of a long distance relationship...even though seeking long distance definitely increases the chances of finding someone special to you. Everyone just has the preferences of attraction, I've had everything from very, very unattractive to very above average show interest. It confuses me, too. Don't pay attention to someone international who claims to want to marry you, that sounds a lot like one of those scams where they end up asking you for money....whatever you do DON"T fall for anything of that nature or give out too much personal info. Just stick to communicating with whatever seems reasonably interesting, attractive ,and convenient to you.
Author stepka Posted March 22, 2009 Author Posted March 22, 2009 Don't pay attention to someone international who claims to want to marry you, that sounds a lot like one of those scams where they end up asking you for money....whatever you do DON"T fall for anything of that nature or give out too much personal info. Just stick to communicating with whatever seems reasonably interesting, attractive ,and convenient to you. LOL, don't worry about that--he probably just wants a green card--I asked him where I should mail myself off to. Yes I will take your advice--just haven't been that many takers, but the guy in California is def interesting--I spent the morning chatting with him while he sits on his petroleum rig and he's from France and closer to my age. I hope to keep in touch with him and how can I resist a man who thinks I'm bee-oo-tiful. Well you only need one, right?
Author stepka Posted March 22, 2009 Author Posted March 22, 2009 And no older women. At all. Not even my age. What do you mean by that? You mean you won't date older women not even your age, or that no older women have contacted you? I must say that the younger ones wanting to date someone much older always leaves me a bit uneasy that they might be looking for a sugar mama or daddy. I'm amused by all the pix of men with the top of their head cut off, like they're trying to hide baldness--wouldn't i find out about that sooner or later anyway, and baldness is not unattractive to most women. Or the ones where they show the back of his head--huh? Or the absolutely ferocious and scary looking middle eastern man who had this sinister sneer on his face, but he posted 9 pix of himself! Well it's amusing anyway. I may have weeded out a lot of prospects by posting that I hate sports, but it's true and I don't want someone disappointed that I won't go to a ballgame w/ him.
Lizzie60 Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 You get all kinds on these sites. Most (men and women) lie on their profile, either about their age, weight, etc... men tend to add a few inches (height).. women tend to lie about their weight... both gender lie about their age.. Some women/men are real dummies in there.. on a 'cougar' site, some men in their 50s are looking for a cougar.. what a bunch of idiots.. they have no idea what a cougar is.. It's crazy how many 'young' hot guys are messaging the older women... I say go for it.. if you want to have fun.. why not? You'll be pleasantly surprised.. trust me on that one.
voldigicam Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 "What do you mean by that?" As I indicated, no older women contacted me. "I must say that the younger ones wanting to date someone much older always leaves me a bit uneasy that they might be looking for a sugar mama or daddy." I'm finding this surprising, too. Not that the sugar daddy relationship would be all bad, I suppose. I'm not certain about the driving force behind the younger woman seeking older man is. I would have thought "younger" for a 55 year old would be 38. Rather than 20. Might be that men in their 20s seem to be rude, unskilled, self-centered jerks. "I'm amused by all the pix of men with the top of their head cut off, like they're trying to hide baldness--wouldn't i find out about that sooner or later anyway, and baldness is not unattractive to most women." Very odd! Or just a picture of a head from a woman, which clearly shows she's big. The pictures that work from men are pictures of them acting naturally with their incredibly cute dog, smiling. That opens doors.
Author stepka Posted March 22, 2009 Author Posted March 22, 2009 You get all kinds on these sites. Most (men and women) lie on their profile, either about their age, weight, etc... men tend to add a few inches (height).. women tend to lie about their weight... both gender lie about their age.. Some women/men are real dummies in there.. on a 'cougar' site, some men in their 50s are looking for a cougar.. what a bunch of idiots.. they have no idea what a cougar is.. It's crazy how many 'young' hot guys are messaging the older women... I say go for it.. if you want to have fun.. why not? You'll be pleasantly surprised.. trust me on that one. That is funny--find out what a cougar is b/f you go looking for one! I think I just figured it out--I didn't lie on my profile--my feeling is that if you get to know someone and they find out you did lie, that will stop things in their tracks if you found someone decent, which is what I want. The fact that I'm 49 though, makes it look like I'm lying about my age--well I'll be 50 in 1-1/2 months. The 29 yo, well, he is sweet so I may consider it--he seems to genuinely like me. At least he lives nearby--I don't think I'll introduce him to my family though--can you imagine him introducing me to his mom?
SpanksTheMonkey Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 these guys probably don't really look like their pic if they think I'm beautiful I guess I sound silly, esp at my age, . Why are you even on a dating site if your not going to take any one at all seriously? Also sounds like you have low self esteem and thats not attractive to any one so what the hot guys messaged you be happy no? Sorry don't mean to sound rude that was just my impression from your 1st post here...
Lizzie60 Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 "What do you mean by that?" As I indicated, no older women contacted me. I know.. older women rarely contact younger men.. it's the opposite..
Lizzie60 Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 That is funny--find out what a cougar is b/f you go looking for one! I think I just figured it out--I didn't lie on my profile--my feeling is that if you get to know someone and they find out you did lie, that will stop things in their tracks if you found someone decent, which is what I want. The fact that I'm 49 though, makes it look like I'm lying about my age--well I'll be 50 in 1-1/2 months. The 29 yo, well, he is sweet so I may consider it--he seems to genuinely like me. At least he lives nearby--I don't think I'll introduce him to my family though--can you imagine him introducing me to his mom? I say go for it.. who knows.. he could be part of your life for a few years. I date a guy 20 yrs younger for about 3 years.. he was muslim so his family was out of bound.. but it was fun.. I knew I didn't want him more than that in my life either. He was the second most gorgeous guy I've slept with in my life.. He used to model. I would still be with him if I hadn't dump him... (long story).. Have fun!
Montclair0011 Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 Stepka -- I can so relate to your post. I'm a little over 50 and back to on-line dating after things did not work out with the guy I met there over a year ago. I think it's the best way to meet someone when you are older, but it is not easy. I've always thought of myself as having a thick skin, but this has been such a painful experience. Women over a certain age just don't get much response. Men want younger woman and a lot of the men 20+ years older than me are probably dead or retired and living in Florida. I don't lie about my age but I think maybe I should have. Few guys contact me, so I have started contacting them. A common response is to tell me that they have found someone else or have changed their mind about internet dating. Sounds believable until I see them listed as "online now" every time I log in. The rejection is painful but I'm not sure what else I can do to improve my chances. I only look for guys who live near me (25 mile radius). The LDR thing is just not for me. Fortunately I live in a highly populated area so there is possibility and there are lots of guys on the site I'm on. I'm suspicious of guys who live far away who can't find women near them. I find it hard to beleive that there are decent guys who need to look in other states for dates. The guys near me have tons of women to pick from. I'm also not finding the attraction with much younger men. I did go out with one 12 years + younger guy (who contacted me) but it did not go past the first date but that's the only "kid" that has contacted me. I'd rather be with someone withing 5 years of my own age (but flexible). I'm decent looking and not fat (which seems to be the bigest turn-off), have a very well written profile (get lots of positive response to that) and not too picky (short, overweight, balding guys are OK). You'd think I'd be very busy, but I'm not. I've been alone a long time and I enjoy being by myself but I miss having a relationship so much. Some nights I just cry and cry and feel so rejected and hopeless. I have lots of friends and a therapist and so I get through but I wish it could be better. It seems so unfair. Anyway, I really want to find someone so I stick with it and wait. I'm hoping persistance will pay off. I do get a few responses here and there and I follow up on them if I have any interest at all and give them a chance. I've gone out on some dates and have met some nice people, even if it is not long-lasting. As I mentioned earlier I did find one guy and was head over heels in love which I did not think would ever happen to me again after my husband left me for an old friend. That lasted about a year. Unfortunatly, the guy moved back in with his wife, because of his child. I've been devestated about that (I have major abandoment issues) and am much more cautious this time around. But, if it happened once, I guess it could happen again. It's better than just sitting around being miserable, if only slightly. Despite my extreme negative view on this I am deep down an optimist and hoping, that some how things will work out. I'd be glad to hear from some one with ideas on making it more likely for 50+ women to do better in the dating world.
Author stepka Posted March 22, 2009 Author Posted March 22, 2009 Why are you even on a dating site if your not going to take any one at all seriously? Also sounds like you have low self esteem and thats not attractive to any one so what the hot guys messaged you be happy no? . No STM I don't have a low self-esteem--I am just not really aware of how attractive I might be--after being married for 23 years, I'm just now getting my "radar" back, and I'm trying to realistically assess my chances. It's just that the channels seem to be jammed or something, and I'm thinking that if I was attractive, I'd hear from more men who seem like likely possibilities. But after reading Montclair's post, I think it may be due to age more than anything else--some men close to my age still want to have a child.
pollywag Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 Stpeka, I don't think you have a low self esteem what you may have is a sense of not really knowing who this new singel you is. This is understandable. You just got out of a very long term relationship and I empathise with you that it's not easy to get back into the dating game after such a long time. You are back in rediscovery mode and dating will help you do that. It's hard and especially since the dating world has changed so much in the last 10yrs or so due to Internet Dating sites. I think internet dating has ruined dating in a big way, it has made men very passive agressive to the point where they feel that women should be doing all the work, and women extra critical and demanding of what they want because no one has to work for it anymore, they just sit on their behinds waiting to construct the perfect mate in fantasy land. Their needs are unrealistic and never enough in terms of having them fulfilled. In particular the men who are nearing mid life and have never been married. My suggestion to you is to date men that are divorced or who already have children. For one, they have already had commitments and don't have this need to form a family as their "eternal bachelor" peter pan counter parts. If you are going to do internet dating I would try a dating site for single parents for example. I think single parents have less time to play around, and your profile wont be lost among a sea of capricious children in adult bodies that don't know what they want.
Author stepka Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 Good point Pollywag, do you know of any that you could recommend--I have a lot to learn about this I think. I did sign up for one of those where you have to pass an IQ test, and I did, but there isn't one other person in my city on that site. I could go date some doctor in Spain. Well, I'll dig around and see what I can find.
shazam Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 If you are going to do internet dating I would try a dating site for single parents for example. I think single parents have less time to play around, and your profile wont be lost among a sea of capricious children in adult bodies that don't know what they want. I tried internet dating on single parent dating site...horrible experience. I had many men contacting me that lived ten states away. What is the point of that?? My self esteem suffered because I was getting attention from sooo many very unattractive men. It made me wonder....maybe I was within their league and didnt know it?
MN randomguy Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Stepka, Maybe you are attractive and the average guys you're contacting are suspecting that you're phishing. Always make conversation about something in their profile when emailing on on-line dating. It shows that you at least read the profile have an interest in them and did not copy-paste a mass email. If guys that you like in real life flirt with you.... FLIRT BACK!! Internet dating kinda sucks and if you don't have to do it to find someone you like, WHY! Don't worry about how attractive you are. Nothings better than an attractive woman that doesn't know it.
BobSacamento Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Stepka, Don't worry about how attractive you are. Nothings better than an attractive woman that doesn't know it. Yes! I find modesty extremely attractive. When a woman starts to comment on all the men, supposedly, throwing themselves at them it's a big turnoff for me.
pollywag Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 I'm sorry Stepka, I don't since my personal experience with internet dating is limited. I suggested single parents because it seems like that would have more serious people on it but Shazam is saying it was horrible so maybe she is a better person to get feedback... If you are really set on doing online dating here's what I would do I would search all the sites in your area that are for over 40 or single parents or whatever criteria you wish to search under and I would look to see which ones have the most appealing profiles, because it all depends on where you live some sites are better for some cities than others. If you see a site with more than 10 guys that would potentially appeal to you I would give that a try. There are a ton of sites out there. What about that eharmony site what's the deal with that? Personally I would try to attend singles events, nothing beats meeting people in person especially if you go alone, men approach women more when they are alone. Have you heard of speed dating?
era Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 stepka and Montclair0011... I am in your age-group, and considering joining an on-line dating site. I actually met a younger guy once in a chatroom. We really hit it off. BUT I had lied to him about my age, and it came back and bit me in the bum - don't do it. A little off topic, but funny non the less, is the story of a LS member who posted here : when he met the woman in-person she was pregnant!
samiam143 Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 First off stay away from the sketchy sites. I was on match.com and was completely truthful on my profile. My pictures were all random and I wasn't hiding anything. I let men message me and I decided which ones I'd respond to. Finally a very good looking guy messaged me. I assumed he'd be self centered but he was far from it. We exchanged tons of LONG messages and finally met up in a PUBLIC place. We hit it off. He was everything his profile said he was. We're still dating. You just have to be patient, and don't be afraid to take chances. Also don't let a dating site dictate your self esteem.
samiam143 Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Stick with sites like match or eharmony. No weird ones you've never heard of.
shockandawed Posted March 23, 2009 Posted March 23, 2009 Absolutely Sepka, Don't do anything other than the mainstream ones..Match, Yahoo, maybe Plenty of Fish, but be careful on all of them. Like you, I was married for a long time and am in my 40s. I have done online dating off and on for the last 5 years. I have come across all kinds of things. You list St. Louis as your home. If so, you live in a heavily populated area and should have no problem, regardless of your appearance, in meeting people within your area. I would strongly discourage you from any communications with anyone outside of say 100 miles or so. Be honest with yourself..what is so amazing about your profile to get people half your age in California to blow past all the profiles of women between California to St. Louis to throw themselves at you? No offense..I get "hot" 20 somethings hitting on mine..yes, gorgeous 26 year old babe in LA is interested in mid 40s guy in the midwest. Stick to the St. Louis area Stick to guys reasonably close to your age Make sure the email you use is not the same one tied to any of your bank or financial information. Make sure your email doesn't have your name. Only meet in a public place, such as Starbucks. There are some legitimate and great people online, but if it seems to good to be true, chances are it is. Be safe and good luck!
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