RinClavin Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 Hello, I'm new to the board. I've never made a post like this so of course any and all responses/advice are welcome. We got married very young... I was 19 and he was 21. We'd known each other and been simple friends since childhood... and then one day without warning there was more. From the first kiss, to the day he asked me to marry him (5 months later) to our wedding day (7 months after that) and through our first year of marriage we spent every moment of the day sure of the plain (and ultimately simple) truth was that we loved each other. We set aside compatibility, goals, and maturity for the assurance of spending our lives together. One day, slightly after our first anniversary, it dawned on me that love had become the destination. That our life was one big perpetuation of enjoying the other one... and somewhere along the line we'd lost sight of love being a journey. I shared this with him, looking desperately into his blank expression and realized he didn't feel the same. He told me he loved me, he told me I made him happy, he told me I was enough and I let it go. Time passed and my desire for fulfillment increased. Ultimately... I was a 20 year old woman, married for a year... I have a long way to go to learn who I am... and I had (up until that point) thought that my husband was just as eager to grow and change and learn as I had been. Suddenly when we talked I felt unsatisfied, and he felt pushed. When I talked about my hopes or plans I felt like I was monologuing. Somewhere along the line he had either completely stopped talking, or I had just noticed. I felt completely frustrated that the man I loved was satisfied to sit static, and looked at me confused and hurt when I tried to tell him I wanted to be in action. So lets go back to 5 months before my wedding. Engaged... I start a new job and develop friendships. One man in particular, becomes an instant fried. And although I notice that he's extremely good looking, and enjoy talking with him... there's nothing more. I can honestly say with complete honesty that through almost two years that we worked together... I was completely devoted to my husband and never contemplated a relationship with *sigh* the OM. The OM... moved out of state about 6 or 7 months ago and we decided to keep in touch over the phone. It started out completely innocently, and grew into a close friendship. I don't think I understood the necessity for boundaries, or moderation in a relationship with a man. I'd always had male friends... how was this different? Not to mention our history of being nothing more than casual (although close) friends, and the distance between us gave me a completely false sense of security. Before we knew it, we were both one of each others' closest friends. We talked over the phone multiple times a week... and before either of us knew it several hours had passed. When we didn't talk over the phone, we'd text message. He was never a secret from my husband. In fact before he moved we had done several things with him and his girlfriend at the time (incidentally those were the first non work related things we'd ever done, and also he and his GF broke up after he moved). Soon enough our conversation became flirtatious, and although my husband and my problems had started long before, our distance increased and he began spending even less time at home. We still love each other... we've always loved each other, but when speaking honestly we don't know where we are or where we're going. All the problems communicating and sharing on a deep emotional level that I was having with my husband seemed to be illuminated (and amplified) in the hours of conversation with the OM that varied from light hearted teasing and joking, to sharing our insecurities, to talking about our plans and goals, and everything in between. Finally we (OM and me) admitted our growing feelings (and concerns) to the other one. One night when I was crying and my husband (uncharicteristically) blew me off I went where I always went now when my husband wasn't available... the the phone to call another man. I decided I needed to tell my husband that this was a growing problem. I've always tried to be honest about everything, and hoped that maybe he would understand how important intimate conversations were to me. I told him gently (probably too subtly) that my conversations with the OM had amplified my desires to be close to him and that I didn't like feeling as though this "friend" was the "Other Man" in my life. He completely ignored it. A week later, in tears, I told him I needed him to understand that this was a huge problem for me. And so he tried, blindly, to try to figure out what I meant by "intimacy"... tried to make me feel like a priority... did everything a loving husband should do when his wife tells him there's a big problem. Last week my husband and I had one of the first genuine conversations we'd had in a long time... admitted a lack of excitement that we both felt about our future. We admitted feeling as though we'd grown apart... but we held each other and said over and over that we loved each other and didn't want to lose "us". It was in that same conversation that I told him more about my relationship with the OM. Told him that we had developed "feelings" that were too intense/close for what we ultimately were... a married woman and a single man. And I also told him that by the time I had realized it I didn't know how, or want to, go back to being casual friends. He responded... with support, love... and not an ounce of jealousy. He said "You need friends like him... and sometimes I wish we could talk about... whatever it is that you talk about. But I'm glad you have him" He's wonderful... he's selfless, but he doesn't know how to give emotionally... he doesn't feel threatened in the face of me falling for another man. I don't know what to do. I don't know if there's any saving my marriage. And the part that hurts the most is that I still love him. Meanwhile the OM and I are taking some space. We haven't talked on the phone in over a week, but still text message. But all of the emotions are still there. Giving him up is made even harder when my husband doesn't seem to care one way or another. I feel like... If I can't stop thinking about him, and my husband refuses to see it as an issue... and there's 1500 miles between us... why can't I love you until you find someone else? It's muddled and confusing and apparently all too comon. I don't know what specific advice I'm looking for or if I just want to hear other people's takes on the situation. I can see how this happened, and I know myself enough to know leaving my husband *for* another man would distroy me and any chances that the OM and I might have had in an alternate reality. Anyway... thanks for reading. Anyone that's gotten this far diserves some kind of medal. Thanks in advance for any responses.
carhill Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 Welcome. As LS stories go, it sounds pretty normal. I can say that, in my personal experience, husbands who are as laid back about such things as yours appears to be either have their options open, are emotionally disconnected, or are in an affair themselves. I'm pretty laid back about my wife having male friends but, prior to disconnecting emotionally, I'd never would have shared the perspective he appears to. Now I really don't care what the aspects of those friendships are. I can suggest something you can try, made easier by distance. Agree to not contact each other for two months. Complete NC. During that time, refocus on the issues in your M and actively change your thought patterns regarding the OM. Become a relationship supporter. Try it for two months and see what you feel like at the end... I can tell you that I did this with a "friend" that I've loved for most of my long adult life and it did change my perspective regarding her and my feelings for her. I've tested this change repeatedly and find it to be solid. Of course, that's only one example of one potential, but heck it's worth a try. If there's nothing left in your M, then that's your reality. Find out and take action on it. Good luck!
wildsoul Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 Hello and welcome. I'm on the other side now of my first affair. I was a single woman dating a married (later separated) man. One thing I'm noticing about your story is the polarization in your triangulated relationship. You're in the middle. Dull, unemotive hubby is on your left. Attractive, engaging OM on the right. Watch how the more you look at and compare the two, the more opposite (or polarized) they become. The dillemma grows. Is it an optical illusion, or is it real? I read something recently that makes me wonder how much of these idealized romances are projection. Is it really about this OM? or is it about YOU and something you find lacking in yourself? My own experience as being the "perfect woman" (compared to my xMM's wife) gives some validity to the concept. My guy doted on me so, but I pretty well think that it was more about what I represented to him than who I really am. Have you tried using a therapist as an unbiased 3rd person yet? Ending the friendship with the OM while you and hubby sort out the marriage is the prudent advice, of course. Although "prudent" probably sounds like quite a snorefest, given you're already bored to tears at home.
Author RinClavin Posted March 21, 2009 Author Posted March 21, 2009 Good advice... much of it are things I've thought and re though but it's nice to hear from people with experience. Thanks for letting me vent.
lyadm Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 Hello. I read your post and I saw something in it that really got my attention. I myself, am in some of the same situation. My history is a little different that your own, but in the end the result has been the same. We have wound up having feelings for an unmarried man while we are married. What caught my attention was that you told your husband and he was "all for it". The same thing happened when I told my husband that I was talking to someone that I had met and became friends with. He shared with me that as long as I was not physical with him he thought it was a great idea. He even went as far as to tell me to invite him over for dinner with the family sometime. Now, tell me that is right? It made me furious and at first I thought that maybe I had done it all to elicit some kind of jealous response from him to make me feel better. It that was the case it didn't happen. I want to feel guilty about what I have done, by becoming so attached to this so called friend of mine. But I just cant. On the other hand my friend has decided he was interfering with my marriage, and he does not want to talk to me anymore. So now, I am faced with not being able to talk to him at all and I am trying to understand all of this. I would have never considered this an affair if he hadn't told me he thought it was, so needless to say I understand where you are with your husbands lack of concern. It seems as if someone really loved you there would be some sort of an effort there to try and win you back, don't you think?
Author RinClavin Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 Lyadm, Wow, we are in a very similar situation. I had never heard the term "Emotional Affair" until a few days ago. Just as with you... I hadn't considered it an affair and my only real worry was that it could become an affair. IT wasn't until he used the word that I was compelled to try to find a definition of an affair and stumbled across "Emotional Affair" It took a lot of brutal self honesty to finally admit that, if it hadn't happened already, I was at least in grave danger of falling in love with this other man. I shy away from the term "in love" for obvious reasons, but had this happened at a time when I was single I wouldn't... which speaks for itself. It's been a lot to digest in week but I have finally come to understand the severity of our relationship. I was never furious with my husbands response, but I *completely* understand where you're coming from. If feels as though he should care more... as though there should be a slight insecurity. If nothing else, that it would communicate the urgency of working on our problems together. The conclusion I've come to (and I'd be interested to see if this fits your situation at all) is that because my husband doesn't understand my need for emotional (and verbal) intimacy he's rather relieved that I there is someone else to "deal" with that side of me. Almost as if the existence of the OM takes the stress off. That sounds very strange and I know to some it probably sounds seriously messed up... but when coming from a place of simply not understanding that side of me... it could explain a lot. Kind of like fathers being really relieved that mothers are there so they don't have to talk to their daughters about periods and sex. So the problem that this causes inside of me and the OM is that both of us see this as a serious problem. We haven't gone as far as NC but have seriously limited the amount of contact we have (since we live in different states now, for us this means that we're not talking on the phone anymore). We're trying really hard to do the "right" thing and it freaking hurts most of the time. If my husband had requested this, or if I believed that he even wanted it... I think it would help me believe that it would save our marriage. But instead... in the back of my mind I hear a little voice saying "he doesn't even care... why do you care?". I actually haven't even told him that we're not talking on the phone anymore because I'm pretty sure he'd say "Oh that explains why you've been so lonely lately... you should call him". As much as I'd like to just continue the way we had been... I do understand that it was tearing apart the marriage from my perspective, and that it was tearing my OM apart as well.
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