39388 Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 I don't have a lot of dating experience either, but this one's just kind of common sense 39388. Would you want to be felt up when you were sick? Why she said it would be okay, we'll never know, but he really shouldn't have asked in the first place. I agree it should have been common sense, but some people miss things which are "unspoken rules" which most others get. The OP has been attacked in very nasty ways for missing this and to me that is wrong. On just about every thread when a man is too agressive I'd side with the woman in a second and completely blame the man. On this one both made mistakes. I will add that if the woman showed (at any time) during the making out that she didn't want to do it, the OP may be more in the wrong than I thought. I don't know if this was the case or not.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 Count me in with Tony, Wuggles, and Island Girl. 39889 guy- you talk about the girl giving mixed messages. First of all, he never should have out her in a position to be giving any kind of message at all. He should have brought the soup and spent some time with her but all the rest is unnecessary. He was clearly "moving through the bases" and this was just not the time for it. Second of all, I can tell you exactly why she gave mixed messages. She likes the guy. She doesn't want to offend him. If he wants to make a move on her and she says no, then he would be posting here about a different subject. "Why did she let me come over with chicken soup and then reject my advances?? Why are girls so entitled? She was using me for my generosity." I get the feeling that both of you are fairly young. It is difficult as a young person to stand your ground in these types of situations. Many girls have gone along with things they don't necessarily want to do in order to not upset the guy they like. Not saying that's ok, or something for women to think about, but it doesn't happen. OP, you sound like a genuine guy who does care about this girl. Now show it to her. Lesson learned.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 I swear that I type one thing and it prints something else. In my last post, towards the end, I meant to say "it DOES happen".
Author turnshyness Posted March 21, 2009 Author Posted March 21, 2009 Thank you. Indeed, lesson learned. I'm fairly new with this dating world so yes I should have read those signals and never should have asked in the beginning...lesson learned...lesson learned. I got carried away and got too excited but I'll keep this mistake in mind. I'll do my damnest and my best that I care abt this girl. Count me in with Tony, Wuggles, and Island Girl. OP, you sound like a genuine guy who does care about this girl. Now show it to her. Lesson learned.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 Turnshyness, you will be ok, and everything is probably fine with this girl. You did bring her soup when she was sick, and that counts for something We all have made mistakes, for most of us, many mistakes. It's part of life. It's how we grow. Best of luck to you.
Author turnshyness Posted March 21, 2009 Author Posted March 21, 2009 To the other posters LS - I appreciate your opinions and advices. I'm human, and I make mistakes. Your advices and opinions are duly noted and I will keep those in mind is I show this girl how I care about her. Thanks once again! Wish me luck.
Author turnshyness Posted March 21, 2009 Author Posted March 21, 2009 Thank you so much. At least there's someone here who recognized that I really had good intentions w/ that girl. I do hope everything works out w/ her. I like her and she's just such an amazing person. Turnshyness, you will be ok, and everything is probably fine with this girl. You did bring her soup when she was sick, and that counts for something We all have made mistakes, for most of us, many mistakes. It's part of life. It's how we grow. Best of luck to you.
Author turnshyness Posted March 21, 2009 Author Posted March 21, 2009 Cherry Blossom 35 - if your still reading this post. If I may ask some more advice - what's my next step from here? What do you recommend I do? Turnshyness, you will be ok, and everything is probably fine with this girl. You did bring her soup when she was sick, and that counts for something We all have made mistakes, for most of us, many mistakes. It's part of life. It's how we grow. Best of luck to you.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 Call her up and ask how she's feeling. Tell her you were sorry if you made her uncomfortable because that was not your intention. If she responds positively, ask her to do something when she feels better. Ask her to do something fun that doesn't necessarily lead to make out sessions, so that she knows you value your time with her in other ways as well. Ask her to go ice skating, or to a comedy show, something. If she sounds cold on the phone, tell her that you just wanted to check in and see if she was feeling better and ask her to call you when she's up for something.
Author turnshyness Posted March 21, 2009 Author Posted March 21, 2009 We actually spoke last night and I've apologized too. She did sound positive abt it. She's actually out of town and she was kind enough to text me that they made it safe to where she's going. I told her too that I'll understand if she needs space and when/if she's ready to talk, she can give me a buzz. Yah, I guess I'll try to stay away staying closed doors that way there's no temptation. How do I know if I'm moving too fast? Thanks again!
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 How do I know if I'm moving too fast? Thanks again! If you ask to do something and she says, yeah I guess, or she sounds in anyway not thrilled about it. Just have fun kissing and make her want it so that she starts making moves on you
39388 Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 Count me in with Tony, Wuggles, and Island Girl. 39889 guy- you talk about the girl giving mixed messages. First of all, he never should have out her in a position to be giving any kind of message at all. He should have brought the soup and spent some time with her but all the rest is unnecessary. He was clearly "moving through the bases" and this was just not the time for it. Second of all, I can tell you exactly why she gave mixed messages. She likes the guy. She doesn't want to offend him. If he wants to make a move on her and she says no, then he would be posting here about a different subject. "Why did she let me come over with chicken soup and then reject my advances?? Why are girls so entitled? She was using me for my generosity." I get the feeling that both of you are fairly young. It is difficult as a young person to stand your ground in these types of situations. Many girls have gone along with things they don't necessarily want to do in order to not upset the guy they like. Not saying that's ok, or something for women to think about, but it doesn't happen. OP, you sound like a genuine guy who does care about this girl. Now show it to her. Lesson learned. Cherry, your message was very helpful to me (and probably will be to the OP) and the tone far far nicer. The OP and I are very late bloomers and in some ways that can make us come off as younger. He is about 25 and he has had only been dating a couple months. My situation is like his but messier given I am 35 and have still had none. I have been getting rid of much of my anger from a couple of months ago (which I unfortunately directed towards at least a dozen people on here including you at one point) and am just about happy and confident enough with myself to start dating. I have followed his threads closely because I may well have some of the same challenges as the OP. Yes, the OP did put her in a difficult situation. I just don't know how to read a "mixed message" very well. If she says yes, but unenthusiastically should I interpret it as a "No"? It is a fine line between too passive and too agressive. Too passive and she thinks you're not interested in her and the consequences for even a little too agressive are far worse. I know it about getting the middle ground which has not seemed to come naturally to the OP (given this thread) and to me. I can only speak for myself but mixed messages put fear into my eyes. I know I likely have to figure out the proper responses to them since it is almost certain I will encounter them at some point. Obviously, getting experience helps, but I want to avoid a situation like the OP got into where nobody was a winner. I can by never dating, but I don't want to be the 40 year old virgin.
Waitress Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 Obviously, getting experience helps, but I want to avoid a situation like the OP got into where nobody was a winner. I can by never dating, but I don't want to be the 40 year old virgin. I spent a lot of time shying away from dating. Closing myself off. I came to the same conclusion that it's better to put yourself out there than to hide away. Even if it means making mistakes and trying to figure out how best to date.
wuggle Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 39388 , the reason my second post was more aggressive was because the op did NOT sound so nice, he didn't sound to me like he was a nice shy person who was misreading the signs, his comment:- 'I think dating this girl just made me realize more how great catch I am' Just made me think he was selfish and arrogant, and reinforced my belief that it wasn't that he was misreading the signs but not bothering to heed them because he was too wrapped up in getting to 2nd or 3rd base. If I have misinterperted that then I apologise, but I'm not sure I have ?? Turnshyness, you have received good advice from Cherry Blossom, if you are not as arrogant as you came across then good luck, if you are then stop being so, IMHO people lke confidence but not arrogance.
39388 Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 I spent a lot of time shying away from dating. Closing myself off. I came to the same conclusion that it's better to put yourself out there than to hide away. Even if it means making mistakes and trying to figure out how best to date. Yeah, I have shown closing myself off has gotten me 0 dates. I'm afraid that I might make a mistake similar in size as to the OP which got him angrily ripped to shreds by several posters. I have to take the risk anyway. While it may be scary, going dateless as long as I have is even scarier. I hope others who have started very late like the OP or even later like me (when I do start) realize this and take the risk.
Author turnshyness Posted March 21, 2009 Author Posted March 21, 2009 Wuggle - No problem. I should have made it more clear - I guess what I was leaning towards to was it made me appreciate how I'm willing to bend for someone whereas other guys maybe would have ditched her come to find out that she has this baggages w/ her. I'm such a humble guy (well at least I try to) that's why I was trying to seek advice so that I can at least correct my mistakes. Last thing I want is to hurt this girl. She's been through enough and I'm trying to be there so that somehow I can also help her heal if that make sense and I recognize that I might have added another burden to her by making a move so lesson learned and I'm trying to make up for it...it's doing the right thing. Hopefully, she does gives me a chance to correct it and to show her that I'm not other ex bfs she had but I guess I ended being like another when one them that night. *sighs*. Wuggle - once again, my apologies if I came across cocky and arrogant. No Sir, that's not my nature at all. 39388 , the reason my second post was more aggressive was because the op did NOT sound so nice, he didn't sound to me like he was a nice shy person who was misreading the signs, his comment:- 'I think dating this girl just made me realize more how great catch I am' Just made me think he was selfish and arrogant, and reinforced my belief that it wasn't that he was misreading the signs but not bothering to heed them because he was too wrapped up in getting to 2nd or 3rd base. If I have misinterperted that then I apologise, but I'm not sure I have ?? Turnshyness, you have received good advice from Cherry Blossom, if you are not as arrogant as you came across then good luck, if you are then stop being so, IMHO people lke confidence but not arrogance.
Art_Critic Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 Tony T, did you even read this post? Where in it does he implicitly or explicitly mention he wanted to move beyond second base THAT NIGHT? I even bolded the part to help you out. Dude.. he wanted to bang her.. I could see that in his OP.. the guy went over to make soup for her then tries to get a little... hahahahaha.. The OP has his priorities out of order and the girl really should be pissed at him...
Waitress Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 Yeah, I have shown closing myself off has gotten me 0 dates. I'm afraid that I might make a mistake similar in size as to the OP which got him angrily ripped to shreds by several posters. I have to take the risk anyway. While it may be scary, going dateless as long as I have is even scarier. I hope others who have started very late like the OP or even later like me (when I do start) realize this and take the risk. I'm in a re-introduction phase right now and even with the years of experience under my belt I'm having a really hard time. I want very much to hide away and shut myself off. I feel like I'm really, really bad at relationships. The guy I've been dating is away right now and it's comforting in a way. I spend so much time worrying that I'm getting everything wrong. Ugh! It's hard to muster the strength sometimes.
Beautiful Inside Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 Beautiful Inside - follow up question. How do I make sure that I'm not forcing myself upon her and how do I make sure I'm not moving too fast or too slow? I really want for things to work out w/ her. Thanks again! sorry it took so long for me to respond! the way you know your not forcing yourself is let her make the move trust me she will once she feels like she can trust you and be safe. kissing and all is ok but leave the rest up to her dont even ask her if its ok to move to the next step you know....i promise you she will come around just keep doing what i said and being you a great wonderful caring guy
39388 Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 39388 , the reason my second post was more aggressive was because the op did NOT sound so nice, he didn't sound to me like he was a nice shy person who was misreading the signs, his comment:- 'I think dating this girl just made me realize more how great catch I am' Just made me think he was selfish and arrogant, and reinforced my belief that it wasn't that he was misreading the signs but not bothering to heed them because he was too wrapped up in getting to 2nd or 3rd base. If I have misinterperted that then I apologise, but I'm not sure I have ?? Turnshyness, you have received good advice from Cherry Blossom, if you are not as arrogant as you came across then good luck, if you are then stop being so, IMHO people lke confidence but not arrogance. Ok, I do see what you are saying. However, he seems like a good guy (having read all of his posts) who has started late and made some mistakes getting going. Inexperience can do that. Being in a situation like him, but 10 times worse, I sometimes go between extreme non confidence and sometimes sounding very arrogant, having trouble finding the middle which is confiedence. He and I both have to work on that. Begiing dating when you start late has got to be very stressful. I can't think of many things which are more difficult. I agreed with much of what you said, just not the tone it was said in. I also agree that Cherry Blossom gave excellent advice.
Author turnshyness Posted March 21, 2009 Author Posted March 21, 2009 Thanks again for your help! I think I'm worried now that she won't come around and give me a chance to show her that I care for her. Darn this sucks. Hopefully she does give me a chance. sorry it took so long for me to respond! the way you know your not forcing yourself is let her make the move trust me she will once she feels like she can trust you and be safe. kissing and all is ok but leave the rest up to her dont even ask her if its ok to move to the next step you know....i promise you she will come around just keep doing what i said and being you a great wonderful caring guy
wuggle Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 Hopefully we all got something from this thread then, I will try to be a bit less aggressive next time. Turnshyness\39388 - good luck to you both, hope you both find what you're after. ps Turnshynes, you don't have to apologise to me, This is a discussion\advice forum, your allowed your own opinions etc, remember , confidence
whichwayisup Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 Just take it slow and be honest, upfront with her. Stop focussing on moving to 2nd base - Just get to know her, BE a friend, DO nice things for her and with her. Cuddle, hold hands, kiss but nothing past that until SHE tells you she's ready. And yes, that means you telling her, 'the ball is in your court, when you feel ready to take it to another level, I'll be ready. No pressure.' I think if the pace (sexual stuff and fooling around) slows down and you two focus on really getting to know eachother on an intimate level emotionally, her walls will come down and she'll trust you more. Oh and one more thing, don't forget to have fun too! Be silly, laugh and just enjoy spending time together. Good luck and keep posting!
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted March 21, 2009 Posted March 21, 2009 I also agree that Cherry Blossom gave excellent advice. Thank you :)
Author turnshyness Posted March 21, 2009 Author Posted March 21, 2009 Thank you! I was actually getting a little bit discouraged from posting coz of all the attacks I got. Oh what can I say it is a board of opinions. lol. Alright so I'm just waiting for her to call me and hopefully we can talk a little bit and hopefully she'll give me second chance after all. Just take it slow and be honest, upfront with her. Stop focussing on moving to 2nd base - Just get to know her, BE a friend, DO nice things for her and with her. Cuddle, hold hands, kiss but nothing past that until SHE tells you she's ready. And yes, that means you telling her, 'the ball is in your court, when you feel ready to take it to another level, I'll be ready. No pressure.' I think if the pace (sexual stuff and fooling around) slows down and you two focus on really getting to know eachother on an intimate level emotionally, her walls will come down and she'll trust you more. Oh and one more thing, don't forget to have fun too! Be silly, laugh and just enjoy spending time together. Good luck and keep posting!
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