Ex-just saying these things because he cares, or because they're true?

[Aerorobyn]

You may remember me. I posted a few days ago. My ex and I were together for almost two years, and he broke up with me 6 days ago. He's been keeping in contact with me (calling), but he hasn't kept in as much contact as he did when we were together. One day I didn't get a call at all, another day he called me twice and sent me a text.

 

He agreed to meet me today so that I could give him some things back, and I could get a few of my things back. I met him at his house. He allowed me in for a bit, and everything was a huge memory. I felt miserable, but happy to be in his presence nonetheless.

 

Anyways, while there, he gave me a tight hug and said that everything would be ok. Before I left, he gave me another hug and a kiss (not just a peck, an actual kiss kiss, tongue and all). He said that was the last one. I apologized for the wrongs I made (I did make some in the relationship), and he just told me I had nothing to be sorry for. I was a great girlfriend, and he loved me (and still does love me) dearly, but that he is just not "relationship material" as he thought he was when he first got into the relationship. He says we can just be as good of friends. But now, he's not coming back and I have to move on...that's what he said to me.

 

I asked him about something he said earlier in the week, that "maybe in time we'd be together again"...he basically said that he still doesn't know what time will bring, but I still just need to move on, and we can be friends if I want.

 

I'm so heartbroken. So confused. I want him back. I honestly cannot tell if he SERIOUSLY does not want a relationship, or if he's just saying that because he doesn't want me to be miserable by "waiting around" for him.

 

I know he cares about me. I know he loves me. I know there is NO other girl. Trust was something we did have together. But I'm just so confused...all I want is him.

 

And one more thing: If I truly want him back and want to have a chance, how should I go about doing it? I'm seeing different opinions; (1) stay his friend, continue to eat lunch with him when I can, talk to him, try not bringing up the past, etc. and just see if a spark will come again in a few months; or (2) play the NC rule. Don't answer his calls, don't call him, and if I see him on the street or something I'll just say a casual Hi, and walk on...and just hope that by doing this he'll see whether or not he misses me?

 

Thanks..

[BCCA]

but that he is just not "relationship material"

 

Think, 'its not you its me'. This is a BS line, he just said that instead of being honest that he doesnt feel the connection anymore. He doesnt want to say he doesnt feel the spark anymore, because hes heading his bets in case he needs your attention later (which, should not be confused as reconciliation, but more a FWB). This way, he can always come back around, say a few things to get you hooked, and then feed you back the same line on his way out the door.

 

maybe in time we'd be together again

 

Again, BS line. He doesnt want to tell you straight out that the answer is no, because then he'll feel like a jerk and youre not going to want anything to do with him anymore. Its just selfish, he's toying with your emotions instead of being honest. Seriously, no one in their right mind is going to dump someone if they feel like they have long term potential. What sense would that make?

 

I honestly cannot tell if he SERIOUSLY does not want a relationship, or if he's just saying that because he doesn't want me to be miserable by "waiting around" for him

 

I hate having to be the bearer of bad news...

 

He doesnt want a relationship with YOU. I know that sounds harsh, but its reality. Trust me, whether or not you wait around on him is not a real concern for him. Its not that he doesnt care, but you cant care about other people equally to how much you care about yourself. We should all love ourselves first, and unfortunately that means doing whats best for us, even at the expense of other peoples feelings.

 

(1) stay his friend, continue to eat lunch with him when I can, talk to him, try not bringing up the past, etc. and just see if a spark will come again in a few months

 

Anyone who gave you that advice should write a book called 'how NOT to get your ex back'. Thats terrible advice, that will never work. Youre only dragging it out, and hurting yourself over and over. He gets what he wants from you, and you get a big mound of nothing.

 

play the NC rule

 

NC is not meant to bring someone back. Its what you NEED to do to put space and perspective between you and an ex. Its for healing, and does not guarantee, or even make it more likely, that he'll come back.

 

If I truly want him back and want to have a chance, how should I go about doing it?

 

This is going to sound counter productive.

 

The first step is letting go, and realizing that its over. If you truly care about someone happiness, you let them go. Completely. Not just 'Ill let you go and wait'. It doesnt work that way. For him to realize he made a mistake, he'll need time and interactions with other people. And there is the more likely scenario of him just not coming back ever.

 

The only way to get over this, whether he comes back or not, is to completely let go of the idea that he will. Live life like he's gone, and you need to move on alone.

[kizik]

BCCA,

 

it's always a pleasure to read your advice. You're right, as usual. I, too, made the mistake that we all did: allowing my significant other's opinion of me to become more important than my own. It f*cking killed me and I'll never do it again.

 

OP, you deserve so much more. The only way you'll realize this, however, is by not hanging out with this guy anymore, and instead hanging out with people who BOOST you up and make you comfortable to be yourself.

[hopesndreams]

BCCA is right on the money with this one. Keep reading it til it sinks in. Tell yourself you are not a toy. That is how he is treating you. Move on. Forget him. Go NC. NOW.

[JoL]

The reality is, as the previous posters said, he doesn't want to be with you. I know it's a hard pill to swallow.

 

He may have moments of regret, weakness or questioning his decision and he may want to see you or talk to you- but for your sanity and peace of mind you need to be as far away from him as possible.