To tell or not to tell....

[ezg3]

as the struggle continues, putting the peices back together. still not sure how I want to arrange them to create what picture. alone...with W...with OW...for now I dont see OW anymore and its hard. trying to fix the marriage...trying to find that connection again... so the question is to tell about the A or not to tell. here are the reasons or desired outcomes I see why one would tell...

 

1) Tell to be single again....to cowardly to walk away so one tells so that the BS will end it themselves.

 

2) Tell to "heal" the relationship .... tell in an honest attempt to want to reconcile things. how can you with such an albatross of guilt around your neck.

 

3) tell to be with the OP...tell the BS ... ive met someone else and this is the way it is now.

 

4) tell to ease your own conscious...you cant live with the guilt, cant sleep, are weighed down with a year plus worth of betrayel to someone that loves you dearly.

 

if you are going to tell... you need to know the answer as to why you are telling. b/c that is the next obvious question from the BS right... "your an ahole...so do you love her?" ... "youre an ahole...so is she what you want"... "youre an ahole so do you want me or her and can i ever trust you again?"

 

until you know the answer to the "why" you are telling...im not so sure you should tell. IC session is like 2 weeks away....AHHHH!!!!

[Snowflower]

I would say you need to tell her especially if you think you want out of the marriage which from your post above, it sounds like this might be the case. At least your wife will know the truth and can hopefully find some type of closure or perspective eventually because what you tell her will hurt her deeply whether your marriage continues or not.

 

Your wife might go ahead and make that decision for you-to end the marriage- once you do confess. Just be prepared for this possibility.

 

Whatever you do, please do not tell your wife simply to take the burden of guilt off of you and to make you feel better. Don't tell her this awful news and then say, "Well, I'm not sure if I want to stay with you but I had to unload this." She will have enough pain of her own and doesn't need your guilt on top of it.

 

If you're finished and want to move on (with or without the other woman) then tell your wife the truth and move on.

 

If you want to try to salvage your marriage, then I still think you need to tell her so that she can make an informed decision about your marriage and so there will no longer be any secrets between the two of you.

[Mr. Lucky]

So in order to know the "answer" as to why you're telling, you need to know your W's response?

 

How do you know her response without telling her?

 

How about reason #5 -

 

5). Tell to be honest to the person to whom you promised commitment and honesty.

 

At some point, no matter how screwed up you are and how confused your situation seems, the road back involves doing the right thing. If you think that, as you've stated, the cheating and lying have damaged your marriage, then how do you fix that with more deception?

 

Mr. Lucky

[ezg3]

So in order to know the "answer" as to why you're telling, you need to know your W's response?

 

How do you know her response without telling her?

 

How about reason #5 -

 

5). Tell to be honest to the person to whom you promised commitment and honesty.

 

At some point, no matter how screwed up you are and how confused your situation seems, the road back involves doing the right thing. If you think that, as you've stated, the cheating and lying have damaged your marriage, then how do you fix that with more deception?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

well to me your #5 and my #4 are almost the same. yes it is being done in the name of honesty and openess to someone you pledges that to, but its also just a means to clear your soul of the burden of carrying this.

 

im not saying i need to know how she will respond...im saying I need to know the answer to the inevitable questions that will follow. in order to know those answers you should know your motivation for even telling to begin with.

 

everyone has secrets...and somethings are better left unsaid no?

 

i like your insight...its very hardline and black and white. good to hear as I have been operating in a grey area for a long time. maybe i havent, but have justified it as such. thus the journey im on now in putting things right.

[ezg3]

Whatever you do, please do not tell your wife simply to take the burden of guilt off of you and to make you feel better. Don't tell her this awful news and then say, "Well, I'm not sure if I want to stay with you but I had to unload this." She will have enough pain of her own and doesn't need your guilt on top of it.

 

If you're finished and want to move on (with or without the other woman) then tell your wife the truth and move on.

 

If you want to try to salvage your marriage, then I still think you need to tell her so that she can make an informed decision about your marriage and so there will no longer be any secrets between the two of you.

 

 

agreed...telling to make myself feel better is garbage. thats why i want a gameplan or plan of action to respond and enact if/when i do tell

[65tr6]

until you know the answer to the "why" you are telling...im not so sure you should tell. IC session is like 2 weeks away....AHHHH!!!!

 

You dont know the answer and you wont know the answer. There is no quick answer and by the way your wife will play a significant role in defining that answer for you. You are "confused" but you dont have to depend on IC to figure this out.....

 

It is easy. Own up like a man and tell your wife not because...

 

1) you dont love your wife

2) you love OW

3) of guilt

4) of shame

 

BUT

 

because it is the right thing to do......

 

By the way, did you not have another thread couple of days ago... ?

[jj33]

What is it that you want? If you are asking this question, it sounds like you have put OW "on ice" to see if you can fix the marriage. If you can, then OW may be history I say that with a cautionary note as you dont seem to think you owe your wife fidelity,

 

If you cant fix things with W then what? Will you continue to see OW and stay married or will you will leave.

 

You still havent worked out the main issue.

 

Until you have decided what you are going to do you dont know why you are telling her.

 

But you do owe her honesty. The fact that you dont know what you want is teh reason why you dont know whether to tell her. It is also the reason you cant fix the connection - you are still trying to control everything.

 

You need to tell her and you need to be HONEST.

 

1. I have met someone who I have feelings for

2. I am sorry I have cheated on you I was wrong

3. We have issues that need to be fixed because I cant live with the marriage as it is and that is why I cant have babies with you now

 

That is really the bottom line. SHE may kick you to the curb. She will be angry and upset. But its not cool for you to be playing puppeteer here.

 

My suspicion is you are still toying with the possibility that if you cant get things on track with W that you will simply take ow off ice and continue as you were.

 

Not a good option. By that time you will have children.

 

Be honest now. Man up and accept that this is all happening. Its all hit the fan, you arent happy in your marriage and you may end up walking.

 

This middle game you are playing is not strong. You are telling yourself its the superhero position but its not. You are not being all things to all people. You are being weak.

 

Face the music. If you and W can get on track that is great. If you cant you will be single.

[troubadour]

So in order to know the "answer" as to why you're telling, you need to know your W's response?

 

How do you know her response without telling her?

 

How about reason #5 -

 

5). Tell to be honest to the person to whom you promised commitment and honesty.

 

At some point, no matter how screwed up you are and how confused your situation seems, the road back involves doing the right thing. If you think that, as you've stated, the cheating and lying have damaged your marriage, then how do you fix that with more deception?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

I agree with ezg3 that his #4 and yours #5 is one and the same... I don't see any difference.

[whichwayisup]

I could be off base here completely, but I think one main reason for you not wanting to come clean and tell your wife the truth is, by doing that it takes away your power of decision (let's say final decision) on being married. If your wife knows, there's a good chance she may want a divorce - Then you'd be free to pursue the OW..Problem is, IS this a case of the grass is greener..? Your fear could be, freedom and being with the OW, but once the dust settles, you'll wake up and realize you infact DO love your wife and want to stay married, but by that time, it'll be too late.

 

Bottomline is, sooner or later your wife WILL put two and two together, figure this out. Better for her to hear about the OW from you and not someone else.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Gaaaaaaaaaaah...never mind. (Edited out most of my post.)

 

Suffice to say I find it ironic that the OP is concerned about not getting hurt, and about being able to make his own choices; where he has already hurt his wife, and is giving her NO choices.

 

It's all about you, eh, OP? (rolling eyes)

 

Do what you want. You have so far and it seems to have worked out for ya! I say, just tell her already. For all you know the poor thing will weep with joy and pull out a suitcase she's had tucked away in hopes she'd eventually be set free to find a man who can satisfy her in every way.

[Mr. Lucky]

4) tell to ease your own conscious...you cant live with the guilt, cant sleep, are weighed down with a year plus worth of betrayel to someone that loves you dearly.

5). Tell to be honest to the person to whom you promised commitment and honesty.

I see a difference and it's not subtle. #4 is all about the OP - his conscience, his guilt, his lack of sleep, his burden. #5 is about the very minimum his wife is owed and what she deserves.

 

Not being able to differentiate between those two may be a factor in his current choices and situation...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sadintexas]

It sounds as if you really don't know what you want and you're unable to make a decision; or

 

You know what you want, but you're too afraid to tell your wife that you want out for whatever reason; and

 

By telling your wife you're hoping that SHE will make a decision of some sort and then "that's what was meant to be".

 

I disagree with another poster about you not wanting to lose your power. I don't think you want that power. I think you want the decision made for you and you just don't know how you want to spin this confession to your wife because you don't know what her reaction will be.

 

If you want to continue with this game plan, simply say "I've been unfaithful to you. I think you have a right to know." and let the fallout happen. My real advice would be to decide what you want and tell her based on your true feelings and hope that she wants the same thing you do and then let the fallout happen.

[OWoman]

ezg3, I see two distinct issues here:

 

1. Do you (need to) tell your W about the A for your own piece of mind in order to balance yourself and put yourself into a space where you can best move on with your life (whichever way, and with whichever - if either - of your two current women partners)? This was the question your therapist answered (on your other thread) with a "no". You yourself seem less certain of this, as your number 4 reason in your OP implies.

 

2. Do you (need to) tell your W about the A in order to respect your M as a partnership, whether or not you choose to continue your M? This is the question most posters have been addressing in their responses to you, mostly answering "yes".

 

But they are distinct issues. You seem stuck on the first bit, while most people have been focussing on the second bit. Your therapist is paid to focus - with you - on the first, unless you specifically employed them as a MC. People here - by the nature of this forum - will mostly focus on the second issue.

 

If you're asking for input on how best to resolve YOUR issue - that's probably best dealt with with your therapist who's more familiar with the various issues and the dynamic you're dealing with. People here can advise based on their own experience but ultimately it will be about THEM, not about YOU.

 

If you're asking for input on how best to approach your R issues - most people have advised preserving the integrity of your M by telling your W, not only because they (and this particularly from the BSs) would have liked to have been told, but because they recognise that if the M is to be a true partnership of equals, the power dynamic between the two parties requires both to have the capacity of equality. Yes, partners in a R can choose to abdicate their power but there's a big difference between choosing to abdicate that and the power being taken - or kept - from you and your not having claim to it. By keeping the A a secret from your W, you are denying her the possibility to function as an equal in your M.

 

Perhaps she doesn't want to - you mentioned in your other thread that YOU would rather not know if she was having an A; you did not mention what HER response to that was or whether she's given any clues more recently whether or not her perspective on that would have changed. Instead, you're making that decision for her based on what YOU would prefer - knowing that pretty much everyone who has posted on your thread has advised the opposite (suggesting that, in your W's position, they'd want to be told and given the choice about whether to continue in their own M or not).

 

Of course it's possible to continue your whole life - if you remain together, or if you split - without telling your W. She may never find out from any other source, may continue thinking her M is getting back on track and may build a future with you in blissful ignorance. As the psychologists say, if you THINK you're happy, you are. This, of course, would only work if you were 1000% sure she'd never find out from any other source, and that you'd never have twinges of guilt or remorse and 'fess up. From what you're describing, you don't have that certainty and don't have the facility of compartmentalisation that would allow you to shut the door on that and never look back. If you did, you'd have done that and ended things with the OW without a second thought and not have posted here in the first place.

[RecordProducer]

if you are going to tell... you need to know the answer as to why you are telling. b/c that is the next obvious question from the BS right...

Oooohhhh, you are apparently new here. Now everybody is going to tell you that you need to tell your poor, wonderful wife because the sorry excuse for a rat that you represent doesn't deserve to walk on this earth and your wife deserves a chance to decide what to do with you.

 

It's funny because you don't come here to get advice that implies that you're not important, that only your spouse matters.

 

On a more serious note, you first need to decide what you want. Good that you're not seeing the OW. Pick one path and stick to it. It's kinda disgusting that you don't know what you want, dontcha think? I mean, one would think that you don't love either one of these two women.

 

Do you have kids with your wife? Is she your first wife?

[sunnyO]

Maybe she already knows or suspects. Spouses often do.

 

Moreover, even if she doesn't, as time goes on chances are that she'll hear it from someone else. And that's going to be a lot worse.

[jj33]

I totally agree Record Producer. It seems many WSs dont know exactly what they want. Which kind of makes sense. If they knew what they wanted, they would simply get on with it, no?

 

I think its a question of not wanting what you have. They know they dont like the M as it is, but they dont like the option of leaving well enough to pull the trigger, either because they arent sure the OP is "the one" or because leaving has its own set of problems. The whole thing pretty much leaves them in limbo.

 

Whats that old saying - not making a choice is a choice in and of itself?

[RecordProducer]

I totally agree Record Producer. It seems many WSs dont know exactly what they want.

It seems like many MEN don't know what they want. They usually want what they can't have and if they have one woman (or two, or three), they want the next thing (or woman) that they can't have.

 

So disgusting! I so wish I were a lesbian.

 

Sorry to bash the entire male populaton. I am going through a phase of getting over a (second) husband who dumped me cuz he doesn't know what he wants. Oh, no, wait, he was 100% sure he wanted me out of his life - until I actually left. Now that he doesn't have me, he misses the heck out of me. :mad: :mad: No, thanks to that kind of "love"! :mad:

[bentnotbroken]

It seems like many MEN don't know what they want. They usually want what they can't have and if they have one woman (or two, or three), they want the next thing (or woman) that they can't have.

 

So disgusting! I so wish I were a lesbian.

 

Sorry to bash the entire male populaton. I am going through a phase of getting over a (second) husband who dumped me cuz he doesn't know what he wants. Oh, no, wait, he was 100% sure he wanted me out of his life - until I actually left. Now that he doesn't have me, he misses the heck out of me. :mad: :mad: No, thanks to that kind of "love"! :mad:

 

 

Were you married to Mr. Messy too???

[Mr. Lucky]

Sorry to bash the entire male populaton. I am going through a phase of getting over a (second) husband who dumped me cuz he doesn't know what he wants. Oh, no, wait, he was 100% sure he wanted me out of his life - until I actually left. Now that he doesn't have me, he misses the heck out of me. :mad: :mad: No, thanks to that kind of "love"! :mad:

I guess I'm compelled to poimt out that there's a female equivalent of the same thing. She "loves" you but she's not "in love" with you, she wants her space, she gets her freedom and dates (and sleeps with) other men, and...she wants to come back and try again. I went through it in my first marriage and see it happen many times here. I don't think that self-centeredness is gender specific...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jj33]

Good for you Record Producer for getting out and realizing that yes it was him it wasnt you.

 

And yes Mr. Lucky it happens with men as well as women. This whole death til us part... when it happens but one party isnt fully engaged (or is coasting) I would think that is just as painful as having them leave. I cant imagine someone staying out of honor - as if they were doing me a favor... (isnt it Ivana Trump who said dont get mad, get half... ) if I were married to someone like that, that would be my game plan...

[ezg3]

ive read thru you many posts and thanks for your responses. I understand the common response is...to respect her as a wife and partner i need to tell her and give her full disclosure so she can decide if she wants to stick with me or move on. i get no extra credit for the fact that I ended the A without being caught in an attempt to start to do the right thing by her. without full disclosure i still have zero characther capital in the bank.

 

i do love them both. flame me as you will for saying that...but it is true. im coming to grips with all of this...im making progress... i am not going to sweep this under the rug. im going to face it all head on...why did i even start the A? Who am I do do such a thing? what are the honest probs with us/me that led me to a place where I thought it was ok to act in such a unscrupulous manner? it may cost me the life i know, but I need to be strong enough to accept that and I am...I am just so sad at how heartbroken my wife is going to be if I tell her. she used to tell me i made her want to be a better person...ha...in the end looks like i shuld have been the one to say that.

[2sure]

EZG3-

 

All of the things you listed are valid reason to tell your spouse.

And each of them are formed from different needs as to the outcome.

 

If you are hesitant or confused , why not list the reasons NOT to tell your spouse?

 

I'm thinking that list will tell you more about how you feel than the first one.

[RecordProducer]

Were you married to Mr. Messy too???

I don't know who Mr. Messy is.

 

I guess I'm compelled to poimt out that there's a female equivalent of the same thing.

I am relieved to hear that it's not gender-related.

 

Good for you Record Producer for getting out and realizing that yes it was him it wasnt you.

Thanks, JJ.

 

isnt it Ivana Trump who said dont get mad, get half...

Women like Ivana will never be truly happy because they think that things can make up for bad feelings.

 

i do love them both. flame me as you will for saying that...but it is true.

I don't think you're being honest with yourself.

 

I am just so sad at how heartbroken my wife is going to be if I tell her.

Don't hurt your wife! Forget the morality preaching. It's all BS. The people here who are telling you to tell your wife don't have to live with her for the rest of their lives. Don't listen to anybody (including me), do what you think is the right thing - and do it for the right reasons. If you feel guilty, suck it up. It's your problem. If you feel you must tell your wife, then do it, but don't do it because a bunch of strangers told you that is WWJD (what would Jesus do).

[CaliforniaGirl]

The people here who are telling you to tell your wife don't have to live with her for the rest of their lives. Don't listen to anybody (including me), do what you think is the right thing - and do it for the right reasons. If you feel guilty, suck it up. It's your problem. If you feel you must tell your wife, then do it, but don't do it because a bunch of strangers told you that is WWJD (what would Jesus do).

 

For the record, I personally don't believe in Jesus. (No offense to anyone here who does.)

 

As far as the above advice, it seems the OP is interested in telling based on what he wants out of it, not whether or not, or when, it will hurt his wife. So advising him not to tell because it would hurt her may not figure into the equation or be applicable.

 

Therefore, I personally voted that he tell, but not on his terms--let her have her own chance to dole out whatever she doles out to him. Because he seems to be leaning toward telling--he just wants to make sure that it's at a time and in a way that's advantageous to him and/or hurts him the least. So since he seems to want to tell, despite what the subject line here says...just DO it, don't hang her on even longer. And then take your own lumps. That was my stance and I still believe it, no matter what Jesus would do. Or King David, for that matter (perhaps the better choice to ask, since, if I recall correctly, David was a cheater).

 

Peace...

[jj33]

Record Producer I agree about Ivana and have never been through a divorce but if someone thought they'd stay out of honor I suspect Id have a desire for some sort of vengance - even if it was only financial. (not a noble thought but an honest one) I dont think I could stomach the thought of being a charity case in my own home. Its really insulting.