curiousnycgirl Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 As many of you know - my b/f of 4.5 years has been without an income for 4 of those years and I have been the one paying for all of our "extras" (dinners out, vacations, etc) ever since. This has never been a huge issue to me, I do not support his household (he still has a mortgage, utilities, etc) - but I certainly am the one who supports the relationship. He has told me on several occassions that he is very grateful for this - but that it makes him feel very uncomfortable and that he has never asked for any of it. Despite his expressed discomfort during our last fight, in January (not a frequent occurence) - I actually raised an issue similar to the one I am having now - and frankly his response was very childish which is why I am posting the question here, before saying anything to him. My b/f has been supplying his goods to a new customer, a restaurnat not too far from us. He kept telling me how badly he wanted to go there - specifically for their prime rib special which was $16.95. He finally said that's it - let's schedule to go on X date. I said fine. We got there and I ordered the special - he on the other hand ordered a $38 prime rib (larger portion that came with salad). I feel so freaking cheap even discussing this - and I know that I am NOT cheap - but to tell the truth it irks me. Had he said he wanted to go for prime rib, fine. But all this time he said $16.95 - so that is what I assumed it would be. I figured with wine, dessert, even salads, perhaps we'd spend $100 for dinner - not exactly McDonalds - but not Lutece either. As it was dinner was $140 - again not a huge difference, but there's plenty I could do with $40. He knows I'm stressed about money, and he knows I took a huge hit to my total compensation this year - all of which is making me way more sensitive to this stuff. So on the one hand I feel it is reasonable to point this out. On the other hand he gets so bent about it that I don't feel comfortable and am looking for opinions on whether or not I'm being ridiculous. The example from January was when he said he never asks for anything - I pointed out that that wasn't true - he had indicated a desire to go to Europe for a vacation (to visit his family) - and that he had enough points for the airfare. I told him that the trains, local transport, hotel and food would still be a lot of money - to which he said fine he would never express such wishes again. My answer to him was that if that is how he felt/reacted, he was not ready for a real relationship - and that we should be able to have these discussions without him turning into a child. So now my dilemma - should I just let it go or try to point out my issue?
samspade Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 You're not being cheap. Suggesting a $16.95 prime rib special - a good deal during tough times - and then ordering a $38 steak is terrible form, especially if this guy isn't paying for it. Now, I know times are tough, but he hasn't had an income for 4 years?? You are supporting a freeloader, sweetheart. You're indulging very childish behavior. Of course he'll take everything he can get from you if you are so willing. I'd either put my foot down or jettison this guy.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted March 20, 2009 Author Posted March 20, 2009 Sam - Thanks for your reply - but let me ask you a question. Let's switch the genders for a moment. If this were a woman we are talking about. Who has not had an income for 4 years, but is living on her own, paying her own bills, and allowing her b/f to take her out - would you tell the guy to jettison her? Just curious.
2sure Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 One way or another, you have both "gotten used" to your supporting the relationship. In other words - you are responsible for the extras, you are the grown up. He has accepted the role of being the child or at least your being the boss - and his behavior about your vacation discussion in January reflects that. In fact, given the small but noticable insult regarding the prime rib special - he may not even be aware , but he IS taking advantage of you. He is so used to his role, he doesnt see it. If you are going to continue to date him, you are going to have to do something like go on vacation without him to show him that in reality, you are not responsible for his entertainment. You should also stay in and have dinner when you are with him, to save your money - but on occasion go out without him. Now, really there is no problem with one person in a relationship being the main bread winner or even the "boss"...but you arent living together or married so thats different. If your households were combined, meaning sharing a mortgage, etc...this might be ok. But you dont mention if that is where you would like to this 4.5 year relationship to lead.
Jersey Shortie Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 I can't even understand how you put up with this for 4 years. He really is not being very kind towards you and I would highly recommand getting a new boyfriend. He is not only taking advantage of you but being completely selfish and immature. He wants to take a trip to visit his family on your dollar ? Come on, how can you put up with this?
Lucky_One Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 Sam - Thanks for your reply - but let me ask you a question. Let's switch the genders for a moment. If this were a woman we are talking about. Who has not had an income for 4 years, but is living on her own, paying her own bills, and allowing her b/f to take her out - would you tell the guy to jettison her? Just curious. I want to know HOW he manages this? HOW do you pay your own bills with no income? I WANT TO DO THIS, TOO!!!
Author curiousnycgirl Posted March 20, 2009 Author Posted March 20, 2009 2Sure - thanks. let me clarify a few things 1. we do eat most meals in - however I've got to tell the truth - sometimes I just like to be a little lazy and have someone else do the cooking! 2. I don't think I am the boss - I am just assumed this responsibility. 3. I have gone away without him, specifically due to finances. But that is a really good idea, and perhaps I should do it a bit more. So do you think I should discuss this issue with him, or let it go? I feel so cheap and petty bringing it up. But it IS irking me - so I feel something should be said.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted March 20, 2009 Author Posted March 20, 2009 I want to know HOW he manages this? HOW do you pay your own bills with no income? I WANT TO DO THIS, TOO!!! I was wondering too - he had a boatload of savings that he has been living off of. At some point it will run out - but there really was ALOT!
Author curiousnycgirl Posted March 20, 2009 Author Posted March 20, 2009 I can't even understand how you put up with this for 4 years. He really is not being very kind towards you and I would highly recommand getting a new boyfriend. He is not only taking advantage of you but being completely selfish and immature. He wants to take a trip to visit his family on your dollar ? Come on, how can you put up with this? I understand why you say this, I did not represent it correctly - but I actually don't feel taken advantage of in this instance. His neice is in Germany for the year and we could get an amazing deal because she is there. He wants to share it with me. I understand not understanding why I put up with it - but let's accept that I do, and there is more good than bad. I'm just trying to understand how to deal with this one issue - minor in the scheme of things, but still.
Trialbyfire Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 If you don't express it, it will become more of a resentment than it is already. Let him know that the wallet isn't bottomless and how difficult it is for you to discuss this issue. Don't make it an accusation against him, just against his actions. Are you certain you really want this man? Moving in with him can only exacerbate the issue.
Lucky_One Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 I was wondering too - he had a boatload of savings that he has been living off of. At some point it will run out - but there really was ALOT! Not many people have this much money to live off of for FOUR years, and with this economy, he MUST be panicking about cash. Is he actively and desperately looking for a job? To be perfectly honest, if he has THAT much money in his savings, then he can pay for some dinners out and some vacations. He's a free-loader. As my mom says, if he hasn't proposed after 3 years, it is time to end it. Especially if you only see each other once a week.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted March 20, 2009 Author Posted March 20, 2009 If you don't express it, it will become more of a resentment than it is already. Let him know that the wallet isn't bottomless and how difficult it is for you to discuss this issue. Don't make it an accusation against him, just against his actions. Are you certain you really want this man? Moving in with him can only exacerbate the issue. As usual good points TBF - I don't know if I want him long term - I do know that I am willing to keep trying for now. At the moment with things so uncertain at work I cannot deal with huge changes in my personal life. Need to keep a happy status quo for now. does that make sense?
Author curiousnycgirl Posted March 20, 2009 Author Posted March 20, 2009 Not many people have this much money to live off of for FOUR years, and with this economy, he MUST be panicking about cash. Is he actively and desperately looking for a job? To be perfectly honest, if he has THAT much money in his savings, then he can pay for some dinners out and some vacations. He's a free-loader. As my mom says, if he hasn't proposed after 3 years, it is time to end it. Especially if you only see each other once a week. All really good points, and ones I've thought about a lot. For now, we are seeing eachother 3 nights 2 full days a week, sometimes a bit more. We shall see. As far as his job hunt goes - he's started 2 companies, both are making progress, but not yet far enough into the black for him to draw an income.
Trialbyfire Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 As usual good points TBF - I don't know if I want him long term - I do know that I am willing to keep trying for now. At the moment with things so uncertain at work I cannot deal with huge changes in my personal life. Need to keep a happy status quo for now. does that make sense? Understood nyc. Keep in mind that if you decide to address it with him, it's a good way to see him a little more clearly, reliant on how he reacts. If you approach it in a non-accusatory fashion and he immediately reacts defensively and unreasonably aka over-reacts or withdraws, it's a great weaning off tool.
2sure Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 You dont have to feel petty just for being irritated. The circimstances in general seem to be somethig you are ok with. If the relationship is going to continue as it is, your irritation will pass. However, if you see this moving forward you might want to make yourself less the partner responsible for the extras all of the time.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted March 20, 2009 Author Posted March 20, 2009 You dont have to feel petty just for being irritated. The circimstances in general seem to be somethig you are ok with. If the relationship is going to continue as it is, your irritation will pass. However, if you see this moving forward you might want to make yourself less the partner responsible for the extras all of the time. Oh I have flat out told him that I am paying it forward! I believe in what he is doing 100% - and am confident these businesses will suceed and he will be able to support me in the style I would like to be accustomed. I have told him that once he makes it, I expect to be allowed to retire, and that he will pay all my bills including my horse. My sole obligation during that relationship will be to be my charming, delightful, witty, sometimes cranky self.
Star Gazer Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 I certainly am the one who supports the relationship. This, in and of itself, is grossly unfair, IMO... regardless of gender. You're not cheap. I'm certainly not cheap, and I'd have reacted the same way in both instances (prime rib and Europe). I think he's really got some nerve... his behavior indicates he EXPECTS you to front pay for his recreational activities.
2sure Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 . My sole obligation during that relationship will be to be my charming, delightful, witty, sometimes cranky self. LOL. My sole obligation according to my wonderful H is not to get fat. Thats it! But I'm still challenged . LOL.
samspade Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 Thanks for your reply - but let me ask you a question. Let's switch the genders for a moment. If this were a woman we are talking about. Who has not had an income for 4 years, but is living on her own, paying her own bills, and allowing her b/f to take her out - would you tell the guy to jettison her? Yes. You are essentially asking me if I would tolerate paying for someone else's entertainment (food, drinks, movies, trips) for four years. Hell, no. Look, it's one thing to be unemployed. I have been and I know what it's like. I also know not to order $40 steaks when I can't afford it. And just the fact that she would have suggested a $16 meal and then ordered a $38 one shows she has been suckling at my teat for a little too long. I think four years is ridiculous. He can't flip burgers or fold clothes at the Gap? You are enabling him to be a leech. It's examples like this why welfare is limited to so many weeks. At the moment with things so uncertain at work I cannot deal with huge changes in my personal life. Need to keep a happy status quo for now. does that make sense? Frankly, this doesn't make any sense, and it's a pretty lame excuse not to make a change, if a change is what you want.
socialight Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 i am not familiar with the OP's entire story. Can someone explain to me why she has spent 4 years with this f-ing spounge?
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