whambar Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 Hi My story is that I am in love with a woman who has just dumped me and it is tearing my heart to pieces. We had a semi-casual Long Distance relationship. I say semi casual because we started out not wanting anything serious but then I fell for her. She kept saying she doesn't want to hurt me and she doesn't want to do serious, but when we were in each others arms I honestly thought her actions suggested she had feelings for me. We planned so much together then all of a sudden its over - she feels terrible for stringing me along and having casual sex with me. She says she was trying to be someone she is not and can't do casual anymore. She has been hurt and let down in the past and when we talked last she said she had fallen for me, but she can't trust me. She said every time I mentioned a female friend it really freaked her out. She said she wasn't totally happy in our relationship. She says she isn't ready for a relationship and needs time on her own to sort her life out before she can be in a position to trust again. In the meantime she says she will be steering clear of men and staying celibate. I have tried and tried to understand. The little things she does and the look in her eyes told me so much, but now I feel like such a jerk, getting it all wrong and telling her I had fallen in love with her. Should I have been more cautious. Is she really telling me that she just doesn't want me in her life anymore? What is she saying? All this stuff about how I only ever made her feel good, and that she felt the same about me as I did about her..why tell me that? What is she trying to do? I don't think there is someone else in her life, although her ex of 12 years periodically gets in touch. He was a drunk and keeps calling her to say how he's doing. I am trying so hard to sort myself out and do the No Contact thing. I have told her that I'm Ok with her decision but really it's killing me and I miss her so much. We used to talk via webcam every couple of days and I thought she was so happy with everything. She knew I was in love with her and I thought maybe wrongly that she was in love with me. Is she missing me? Will No Contact help bring her back to me or should I just try to forget her? She was away for my birthday and she is sending me a belated gift in the next couple of days. Should I bother to get in touch or should Ijust leave it? I don't know whether I have been taken for a ride here or whether her feelings were as she says but she really just couldn't handle a relationship at this time in her life. Any thoughts would be appreciated Thanks
Knight_Ctrl Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 Man I've said it lots of times on here, go No Contact for sure. There really aren't any other options. Take care of yourself buddy.
era Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 So this is a LDR. How much actual face time have you had?
semi spritzer Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 So sad but we can't answer yr questions as only you know her. BTW how old are you guys? I always thought this happened to girls not guys. I don't think it matters if what she has told you is true or not. What matters is the CONTENT and there is plenty there. Not only is she sorry for stringing you along (ouch), she wants to sort herself out, she is taking a break from men, relationships AND WANTS TO REMAIN CELIBATE!! Isn't that enough? How much more of a rejection do you need? Much as it hurts I think you should look out for other options. IMPLEMENT NC till you are stronger, I hear it is killing you and I feel bad for you mate. Love stinks sometimes, we've all been there. Good luck, hope it works out
Author whambar Posted March 20, 2009 Author Posted March 20, 2009 I am 39, she is 44. Face time...2 nights July, 1 in August, 3 nights September, 3 nights October, 4 nights November, 3 nights December, 3 nights January, 4 nights February. Nothing in March - dumped on 10th while she was away on holiday. There hasn't been a single month when we haven't got together but our lives are so busy with other commitments. These visits were mostly me going to her as I'm sure you won't be surprised to hear. She has also talked of old wounds which haven't had time to heal. I just think she can't do casual with someone who is in love with her. She feels guilty, knows there is no chance of anything more and can't carry it on. My mistake was thinking that time would help her trust me and commit too.
Author whambar Posted March 20, 2009 Author Posted March 20, 2009 One thing I have realised looking back at this relationship is that I have constantly put her needs before mine. I have had her on a pedestal and I have forgotten all about the fact that here I was in love with a woman who for whatever reason could not love me back. I should have cut my losses with this one and forgotten about her, but that's love..or was it just infatuation. I hope I haven't been stung so much that I am over cautious next time. I will try to be more realistic in any future relationships though.
semi spritzer Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 You say she dumped you while on hols? Do you think she may be seeing someone else? It's good to be talking to someone mature, I'm 39 also. I posted here under dating and breakups, maybe you can look at my posting and give me some feedback? I'm in a similar boat started out casual, I wanted more, cared for him. he blows hot and cold. It sucks, sorry for what you're going through. Yes yours is LDR, I live 40 mins drive from mine, or he can get to mine with the train, we haven't seen met up since November last year cos of arguments and I'm not happy Did you get your present in the end?
BCCA Posted March 25, 2009 Posted March 25, 2009 I have constantly put her needs before mine Common mistake, but usually the kiss of death. When you do that, people start to feel like they ARE more important than you, and they lose respect and a sense of value for what you bring to the table. Its also a by-product of being manipulated. Your wants and needs are just as important as anyone elses, and if someone doesnt play fairly, youre wasting your time and WILL get dumped eventually. NC is you only option, but she probably wont be back - sorry to say. Ive seen this song and dance befofe, and its usually bad news.
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