lyadm Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]I am seeking some advice on getting over an emotional affair. I have read a lot of posts on this site and others. There are a lot of similarities that I see in my own situation, but there are some differences also. My relationship began a year ago with someone who was a stranger, but became one of the closest friends I felt I had ever known. I have been married 8 years. My husband is a good man and I feel he has had good intentions in the past, but things have not worked out that way. Three years into our marriage he began drinking heavily. Financially we were struggling, and I was having to pull much more weight than I should have. I had to drop out of nursing school and go back to working full time to keep us from loosing our home. I was very bitter about this and hard feelings began to form. I frequently told him how I felt, but he continued to take advantage of me, or at least that is how I felt. Soon after I began work I met this other person. I flirted in a way I felt was harmless and he seemed flattered. Our first encounter lasted a whole 5 minutes at the most. I initiated the conversation and he was very polite. Three months later I got to see him again. This time we both made an effort to talk to each other. Again, nothing major was said or done. I flirted and he seemed blown away by it. So all the pain I was going through in my marriage seemed to be less when I thought of this man. I decided I wanted to talk to him more so I called him up one day about 2 weeks after that encounter and the rest is history. He knew I was married and at the time I met him I was convinced my husband and I would be divorcing. His drinking had driven us to the point that we had to file bankruptcy and I was so miserable because nothing I had tried to do to help him was working. Nothing physical ever happened between me and my friend, but it was because he would not allow it. I guess I was lucky he kept a level head, but he did continue to talk to me. When it ended we were talking for hours every day. He was the one that decided to cut off all communication, because I confessed my true feelings for him. My husband knew about my friendship with him and openly encouraged it. That disappointed me some, but by him telling me it was good to have other friends it made me feel as if he was guilty something. He claimed he was guilty for the way he had been treating me and for all that he had put me through emotionally. When my friend quit talking to me I talked my husband into going to counseling with me. He went a few times and claimed “we” were okay now. I am really trying to forgive myself, forgive him, and honor my commitment that was meant to be for better or worse. The problem is I still think about this other man often and recently my husband and I have encountered a very difficult problem. One of our children has been diagnosed with a chronic, terminal illness. My husband’s drinking is really bad again and he is in total denial about our son’s illness. Once again I feel I am so alone, with no one to turn to. My friend will not talk to me and the pain is much greater now than ever. I want things to be right but I have so much going on right now I just want to take the easy way out and run to him for support. With all of this being said, can anyone begin to give me some advice on how to turn from the pain I am feeling from this? I don’t know why I can’t feel guilty. I really want to. I think it would make this easier. My friend is the one that finally saw what was going on. Now I am left here broken, not only over him, but over my child and my marriage all together. Any advice from anyone who has been here would be greatly appreciated.[/sIZE][/FONT]
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 You need to focus on your marriage, you have a chance to make things right. Your husband is drinking to cover something up, you need to be strong qand help him through it.
Adele. Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 First, and foremost, let me say that I feel deeply saddened for your child's illness. I am sorry you ave to go through that. I can totally iunderstand your desire to flee the alcoholic situation with something so much more emotionally devastating. I am not sure how you make it through the day. I cannot offer you any sound advise because I have never had to face sometging as tragic. You are in my thoughts. Stay strong. (((((HUGS)))))
tami-chan Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 You lost your home and now you have a very ill child and an alcoholic husband(yet again)-you need a third party to intervene. Does husband have relatives around? (parents, siblings?) You need to go to them and ask them to take care of your husband(put him in rehab). You need to take care of your very ill child. At this point, you have to decide what is more important to you, your child? your husband? your marriage? Frankly, for me, I wouldn't even bat an eyelash...I would drop my drunk husband and dissolve my marriage if my child's welfare is in question. Focus on your child and do not drag the other man into the fray. This is not a good time for you to establish new relationships, you are vulnerable and emotionally raw (plus you are still married!).
Author lyadm Posted March 20, 2009 Author Posted March 20, 2009 I agree completely with you. I have little support from my husbands family. His father and brother share the same addiction, and my plea falls on deaf ears. I don't necessairly want to drag this other person in, especially with what has happened in the last few weeks, but my pain over him is still very real. I grieve over the idea of him I think more than over him. I have not even seen this man in a year, but I miss talking with him. He really was the only person I had. I pray for strength. I still don't think I done anything that wrong. I am just a human that was looking for a way to make things a little better for me. Right or wrong it hurts now, because it turned out to be a very bad mistake. Thank you for your kind words.
Author lyadm Posted March 20, 2009 Author Posted March 20, 2009 Thank you. Just finding somewhere to vent is a start. There are people here that have survived simular situations, and it is very helpful to hear them say they are still standing, even after all the hurt.
jj33 Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 It makes total sense that you would miss him. You are going through a devastating time in your life and it would be nice to have his support. You might miss him anyway, but its exacerbated by your situation.
taylor Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 You are very, very vulnerable right now. You do need to reach out for support, but reaching out to the OM is the wrong choice. It will add to your emotional distress, not appease it. This OM broke off communication with you for a reason. You need to honor this. If you don't you set yourself up for rejection and that is the last thing you need now. My suggestion would be to get into IC. You need to talk to someone about everything that has been going on in your life. You need a friend for emotional support. If you don't have a trusted female friend, a counselor can provide you with some of the support you need. You can also join the support group for spouses of alcoholics. You may find some additional support there. Lean on family members, friends and clergy to support you thru the ordeal you will face with your son's illness. Hospice may be able to assist you as well. You have alot on your plate. Your husband will not be able to provide you with the support you need most likely. The situation with your son may exacerbate his drinking. The OM will not be there for you like you want him to and this will lead to heartache if you pursue that path. Again, reach out to those who are capable and able. Hugs to you. Please keep posting. We are here for you.
Author lyadm Posted March 20, 2009 Author Posted March 20, 2009 Thank you for your support and kind words and thoughts. For some reason it helps to know that I am not the only person that has gone through this. I had began to rely on the OM exclusively for support, because it was very easy. I feel as if I could only talk to him a weight would be lifted off me. That isn't going to happen, and I am convinced I will live the rest of my life with some of this hurt. I do not lay blame on anyone except myself, but reguardless of the pain I feel that I have walked away with a deeper understanding of who I am. He does know about my son, and he asked that I keep him posted on what was going on. He was very fond of my son. I did talk to him yesterday, but once again he took something I said in a way that was incorrect. He told me he could not allow himself to feel that way about me again. He told me I was selfish for trying to talk to him because I was disregarding his beliefs for my benefit. One day he is telling me that he never wants to go another day without speaking to me, at the time I felt the closest to him I told him I had to slow it down because I was falling in love with him, and then he told me he would not speak to me again because I did not appreciate his friendship if I had deeper feelings for him. I don't know if any of this makes sense, but for some reason it just helps to get it out there. He accused today of not taking his beliefs to heart to benefit myself. He just doesn't get it. I was not asking for anything more than someone who knew me to let me talk with them. At that moment I realized that no matter how much it hurts, I will never try to speak to him again, no matter what happens. I will suffer in silence because after thinking about it I would rather honor his feelings than try and honor mine. Yes rejection does add a new degree to the pain, but I am hoping it will help me see I have subjected myself to this part of my pain, and I can choose to not do it anymore. I am determined now to make it through this without exposing myself any further. Lessons learned the hard way are lessons learned well.
tami-chan Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 lyadm, like they always say here...baby steps...and contact those support groups!
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