shockandawed Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 Hello all, After two years of casually dating, I met a girl who grabbed my heart back in September. She was very different than anyone I had dated in the past. She was quirky, unique with a great personality. We really hit it off with lots of sparks and chemistry right off the bat. Through the fall, everything progressed very well. She lives about 100 miles away, but we made that work. We saw each other at least once a week, spoke and texted everyday. Got to be around her teens and she did the same with mine. There were a few things that bothered me during that time. She excessively texted when we were together. She also had 3-4 ex boyfriends who seemed to be hanging on. She said she had told them there was nothing there, but they remained on her friend lists and would continually comment or contact her. I don't think she was seeing any of them, but it struck me as odd that this many guys were unable to move along. She told me she doesnt like to cut anyone out of her life. Other than the above, our relationship was moving along until after the holidays. About mid-January, she hit an abrupt wall. One day, she changed her facebook status comment to "I hate people" and her picture was just a lamp. Odd..when I talked to her that night, she was like a different person. She told me she was just having a bad day and needed to "reset" herself. As the weeks went on, she grew more and more depressed and withdrawn. She stopped inviting me or even allowing me to stop by. We have seen each other maybe 4 times in the last two months. She told me she is a sufferer of depression and has been since her teen years. Since that time, she has been backpedaling the relationship ever so slowly. First, the visits decrease. Obviously, the sex has disappeared. She then stopped saying I love you. Now, in the last two weeks, the phone calls have dramatically slowed. Even through some of her lower moments, we would still talk everyday. She has told me repeatedly during this period that it's not me, she just needs time to focus on herself. I can understand and have stepped back quite a bit to give her the space. While she stopped saying the L word, she has told me she cares for me greatly and wants to continue to see me. As the weather has warmed, she has seemed to be more chipper, yet, the contacts are greatly decreasing. She hasn't answered any calls from me after 7PM any night this week. She told me she has been asleep, which I find very unusual. I have tried to be very patient, but, my gut is telling me that there may be more going on than she is letting on. Her sudden non-availability in the evenings, the decrease of contacts, coupled with all the former bfs hanging on, makes me wonder if she couldn't just in fact be doing something similar to me. I have asked her several times if she was interested in seeing anyone else. She has always denied that. I decided I would stand by her and understand that depression can be very dibilitating. While I know only I can answer what to do, I am looking for any input from people who may have been involved with someone who suffers from this. I do know the depression has been legitimate.
era Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 Depression. Maybe she does not want to burden you with her depression, so she stays away. Therapy and meds can help alot.
Author shockandawed Posted March 20, 2009 Author Posted March 20, 2009 I think that has been a lot of it, and like I said, things have been very slow since January. She is on meds and supposedly, has the highest dosage allowed. What concerns me is that she "seems" to be doing better, but our relationship continues to slide. I care about her greatly and am willing to be here for her while she deals with this, but I don't want to be a doormat or just put my life on hold while she is lining someone else up. I have always had the gut feeling she never made clean breaks in the past and this could very well be another one.
Shygirl15 Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 Hey, really sorry to hear about this. I think your instincts are telling you something here. If she means that much to you, then by all means talk to her. Tell her openly how worried you are on how things have been, and see what she has to say. If her responses are not satisfactory to you, well then.. you know what to do. I personally do not believe in putting my life on hold for someone, and I firmly believe that grass is always greener on the other side.. But, to be honest, I'm thinking there's more than just depression here..
Author shockandawed Posted March 20, 2009 Author Posted March 20, 2009 Thanks Shygirl, Typically, I am not an insecure type and have always strived to have complete trust in my partner, but you know the old saying, if it quacks... We have always been able to have deep and long conversations. Lately, that has disappeared somewhat. Yes, we have discussed our relationship alot. It always comes down to her just needing to slow a bit, and "reset" herself. She has told me she knows she is holding me back and would understand if I went along. She says she knows she can't give me everything I need right now. Of course, this just locks me in even more. I could never live with myself if I turned my back on her and she was in fact just going to bed at 6PM and was being completely truthful...but I am growing more and more leary that something is up indeed.
serial muse Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 Hi Shock. Depression may be part of the problem here, but it sounds like there's more going on, to be honest. After reading a few of your previous posts, it does sound like there are a lot of red flags here. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be harsh. I just think you sound like a great person who really deserves better. I'm not sure whether part of your concern about what to do is that pulling away from this relationship could put you in the position of feeling unsupportive of someone's pain - and if so, I can easily understand if that's part of how you feel, and it's to your credit. You sound like a caring person. But I don't think that's all that's going on here. Her backing off could certainly be due to depression; depression could also be behind not wanting sex, and perhaps even slowing down with "the L word." But it also seems that she has not been totally up front with you about either her past or her present - and she seems to have a pattern of "hiding" you from her exes and creating separate compartments for the various men in her life. That has nothing to do with depression; perhaps it has to do more generally with low self-esteem and needing validation from multiple sources, but it's not something that you need to take any responsibility for, and you do have a right to ask for better from her, as you guys are exclusive. My warning bells are going off; I hope I'm wrong, but it sounds like she might also be reserving her late-night phone calls for others. Please don't sell yourself short. At the very least you deserve some better answers than "it's not you, it's me."
Shygirl15 Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 Excellent assessment, Serial Muse. Very tricky situation, but I think the best thing you can do for yourself at this point is to let it go. I still feel there's a lot more going on than what's seen on the surface.
Art_Critic Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 I think your own assessment of what is happening is pretty accurate.. I do think you have become one of those ex bf's who texts her.. she just never told you, just like she never told the other guys.. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior... The depression could be what set the ball rolling to the point where she withdrew from you.. I also think the another trigger could very well be one of the other guys she is in contact with.. maybe she heated something back up with one of them or maybe one of them figured out what she is doing and ditched her... I honestly would just see if you could sit down with her and talk about it.. remember that your needs in the relationship and how you feel are also as important as her needs and if your needs are not being met then maybe it might be time to re-evaluate things... Cheers...
samspade Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 I have tried to be very patient, but, my gut is telling me that there may be more going on than she is letting on. Her sudden non-availability in the evenings, the decrease of contacts, coupled with all the former bfs hanging on, makes me wonder if she couldn't just in fact be doing something similar to me. I have asked her several times if she was interested in seeing anyone else. She has always denied that. This should tell you all you need to know. Her behavior toward you is the simplest way for you to deduce whether she wants to be with you or not. Sounds like she doesn't. Trust your instincts - sudden changes in behavior are like flashing neon signs telling you that something is awry. Her having former boyfriends around is suspicious, too. Rather than play detective trying to figure it out, move on. As for her depression, you can't save her from that. Don't try to be the hero. You're not a doctor. I know it sounds harsh, but it's her problem and she has to deal with it.
Author shockandawed Posted March 23, 2009 Author Posted March 23, 2009 Thanks everyone for confirming what I pretty well suspected. This weekend was the final straw for me. As I have mentioned, we live about 100 miles apart. I was in her town on Friday for business. I tried to call her both Thursday night and again Friday morning to advise her of that. She didn't answer either time. She sends a text about an hour later on Friday morning saying she was with a client and what was up? I texted back that I was in town and would like to stop by that evening to talk. She never replied all day. That evening, I called her again before leaving town. She stated she never got the text (BS) and that she already had plans. Of course she volunteered nothing. After I asked her what she was doing, she said meeting a couple of coworkers for drinks. These are coworkers who she generally dislikes. I of course had no desire, but wanted to push the envelope, said I would be happy to stop by whatever bar for a minute and say hello. She quickly changed the subject, picked a fight and hung up on me. She has called a couple of times since and I have ignored her calls. It's tough, but I know I will not be a doormat and play these types of games with her. Time to move along. Thanks again for making me realize she is playing on my sympathy.
Author shockandawed Posted May 21, 2009 Author Posted May 21, 2009 An update... Since this period in March, I have done what I stated. I finally gave up and went along with my life. I started joining activity groups that I was interested in and casually dated. Towards the end of April, I met a girl in real life. She works in a store I frequent. We began talking and eventually started dating. She is perfect for me. We are similar in age, she is attractive and from all indications perfectly normal and ambitious. She also lives within minutes of me and our lifestyles blend very well together. I truly felt I was moving along. During all this time, I have maintained a limited amount of contact with the ex-gf. There has been a side of me that has always felt compassion for her for her illness and felt she truly wanted me in her life in some fashion. Casual texts and very infrequent phone calls. Nothing but how are things, kids, etc..A few days ago, she had to have a pretty extensive surgery. I truly felt I was along, so I offered to come by and see her. The visit started out fine, my intentions stayed on course. Strictly stopping in to see an old friend. Casual conversation then off. Well, she brings up she wants to talk..she states that during the winter and spring, she has purged herself of a relationship with an old boyfriend who was causing all kinds of trouble. We had discussed him in the past and she always denied there was anything. She also admitted she had started seeing someone. While that did bother me, I know I have done the same. The biggest thing that bothered me was she was now telling me these ex-bf that I had convinced myself I was being paranoid about was truly an issue. I left very positive even with a hug, but as I drove home, the comments stewed in my head. She called me yesterday. I told her I wasnt overly happy because I spent so much time worrying about her illness and being convinced there were no other issues to only find out there was. As she was telling me another story, she slipped and mentioned being threatened. I made her explain that immediately. She admitted that the ex-bf who had been sending her letters from out of state began badgering her around the time everything started falling apart in January. He finally told her that he would harm her and a "friend" if she continued to see me. Of course, I am the friend. He told her he knew everything he needed about me. So instead of coming to me, she just ended it and went away. I felt like a truck and just hit me. She admitted it was wrong to allow that to happen, but she can't undo it and has moved on. I feel like all the conversations and experiences we shared are now a farce as she is revelaing the truth about things. Worse, it has knocked me back into playing her games and not having interest in my current relationship. She said she couldn't shake a terrible person from her heart and now I feel like I am doing the same. As you know from the previous posts, this relationship has had issues all along. How can I get out of this trap before I blow something good? It's not as simple as leaving her alone and deleting her. I feel such a strong urge now the hear all the truth from her...and yes, I can't get her out of my head.
Author shockandawed Posted May 21, 2009 Author Posted May 21, 2009 This is the ex-bf who threatened her to break up with me from a previous post I had when all of this started......... A few weeks back, while sleeping on her couch, I found a love letter in a pillow from an ex-bf. She told me about this guy and he is a real slime. Apparently they dated about a year ago, he was an addict, stole money from her, got her car taken by people he owed money too, she eventually got it back, and eventually fled the area to avoid jail or getting killed. Of course, he is still on her page as a friend as well. The letter was dated around Christmas. She claimed she just got it and was going to work on a response.
Recommended Posts